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punknoya

I’m baby and I’m very confused, pls help

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***I’m sorry if this isn’t formatted well!! I’m just writing down my thoughts/concerns as they form in my mind***

I’m 17 and I’ve never questioned my romantic attraction before, I always assumed I had it- that I experienced it in the “normal” way- because I love sweet things and I like way too many fictional characters. (As well because I’m pansexual and polyamorous) I do know that I find people of all kinds sexually attractive and I do know that, when the right people came, I would be into having a relationship with more than one person. But lately I’ve been wondering if I actually do experience romantic attraction. My main question is: Is it possible to be on the aromantic spectrum if I like the idea of/want all the things that happen in a relationship? I do want to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, have dates, make out, maybe have sex etc. with people I’m close with but I don’t really feel anything aside from “aw that’s a sweet/cute/neat thing to do”. 

I keep looking up what “romantic love” and “attraction” are supposed to feel like but I still have no clue. I do get excited and happy reading, watching, thinking of my self in romance situations but when placed in a scenario where I would experience it, it just feels off. 

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten “butterflies” before. I’ve seen people describe it as “you‘re weightless, floating, nervous, giddy, warm and fuzzy” but the only thing I’ve ever felt towards a person irl is stress, a bit of anxiety and slight excitement (because “omg, I’m finally having a sweet moment!”, yes that’s what I thought) I don’t get any of those butterfly feelings when I think about people I’d be interested in doing relationship stuff with.

Idk maybe I just haven’t been in enough relationships to know but don’t people feel all of that even when they’re not in a relationship??? That’s what I’ve always assumed after consuming all that lovey-dovey media. I’ve had a few what I assumed were crushes (two friends, a few celebrities and several fictional characters) but, after reading into aro terminology, they could very well be meshes. 

I got into in my first relationship at the end of last year but it only lasted about a month or so because it didn’t feel right to me. I liked this girl but we jumped into a relationship way too quickly. We didn’t know all that much about each other so it felt really wrong to me- really insincere. And I was starting to feel guilty since the main reason I said yes was because I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be able to say (not really outright but still) that I had a gf. I feel bad because she says that she actually likes me and still would like to be in a relationship if I’m down. I told her I felt something for her, which is true. I care about her a bit more than other friends but I don’t think it’s the same thing that she’s feeling. I think I just think highly of her and want good things for her. I do want to do cute relationship stuff with her but not because I’m in love with her. But because I just want to. Because that stuff is sweet and cute and it sounds nice. 

I’m not certain in very many of my emotions. In general, I don’t think I feel things the way I’m “supposed to”. (But that’s a problem for another time)

I want to be loved romantically. Though, Idk if that’s because I really want that or if I just want the reassurance that I’m capable of being loved. 

I feel bad that I think I’d be okay with a single sided romance.

Again idk, feelings are really complicated and I really wish I felt things very obviously. 

 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, punknoya said:

Is it possible to be on the aromantic spectrum if I like the idea of/want all the things that happen in a relationship? I do want to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, have dates, make out, maybe have sex etc. with people I’m close with but I don’t really feel anything aside from “aw that’s a sweet/cute/neat thing to do”. 

Short answer : yes absolutely, it's possible.

There is no monolyth in aromantism. There is also many kind of relationships, and none of them are exactly like the other,. And peoples can use the same word for differents "results", or different words for what would be the "same" thing for someone, if that make sense.

What you describe don't have to be tied to romantic feelings, even if it has this connotation.

Aromantic peoples who like romance and are in a relationship (even in one they would call romantic) also exist.

Hope it help?

 

2 hours ago, punknoya said:

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten “butterflies” before. I’ve seen people describe it as “you‘re weightless, floating, nervous, giddy, warm and fuzzy” but the only thing I’ve ever felt towards a person irl is stress, a bit of anxiety and slight excitement (because “omg, I’m finally having a sweet moment!”, yes that’s what I thought) I don’t get any of those butterfly feelings when I think about people I’d be interested in doing relationship stuff with.

I got them sometime, it's not romance for me. It's either excitement for various reasons or anxiety. I suppose that romantic attraction (or other attractions) can be a form of excitment?

Edited by Leton.
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5 hours ago, punknoya said:

Is it possible to be on the aromantic spectrum if I like the idea of/want all the things that happen in a relationship? I do want to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, have dates, make out, maybe have sex etc. with people I’m close with but I don’t really feel anything aside from “aw that’s a sweet/cute/neat thing to do”. 

Yes, it is possible. There is even a word for aromantic who still want to be in a romantic relationship : cupioromantic.

Though in the aromantic community, you find a lot of people repulsed by romance, it is not always the case. Personally, I can enjoy romance in books and movies,  for instance, even ship characters sometimes (though I am not crazy about my ships).

 

Also, you list sex in the romantic things, but sex don't have to be romantic. Aros are not necessary asexual. The same way, all your desire for doing these things are not necessary linked to romantic attraction. Maybe you just enjoy physical contact.

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I’m afraid that someday I may end up feeling something. I know logically that that’s fine and it doesn’t mean that I was lying about how I feel now. That people are always growing and constantly learning new things about themselves but I’m still afraid. I’m afraid that people of past relationships will be mad at me for “playing them” or “using them for fun when I didn’t care about them”. I already know that that’s not the case, I guess by voicing this I’m searching for some kind of outside reassurance?? 

I’ve thought that maybe I could be either cupio or grey but I’m worried to fully decide on one because I don’t think express it like the “average” person of those identities do. (Which I of course known is dumb but I still feel that)

Am I being fair by wanting to be in a relationship with this person even though I may not feel romantically???
 

I suppose that’s up to her to decide in this specific situation

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, punknoya said:

I’m afraid that someday I may end up feeling something. I know logically that that’s fine and it doesn’t mean that I was lying about how I feel now. That people are always growing and constantly learning new things about themselves but I’m still afraid. I’m afraid that people of past relationships will be mad at me for “playing them” or “using them for fun when I didn’t care about them”. I already know that that’s not the case, I guess by voicing this I’m searching for some kind of outside reassurance?? 

I’ve thought that maybe I could be either cupio or grey but I’m worried to fully decide on one because I don’t think express it like the “average” person of those identities do. (Which I of course known is dumb but I still feel that)

I want to reassure you by saying that you're not bad for it and that labels are up to you (and i would mean it) but i understand to anxiety. For what it's worth, changing what you call yourself as many times as you need is not bad. There is no real "perfect label at first" there, not really. I changed mines a lot. It's up to you.

17 minutes ago, punknoya said:

Am I being fair by wanting to be in a relationship with this person even though I may not feel romantically???

It's not unfair. I have almost zero experience with that kind of relationship (my only experience was saying no) but i believe that communication is good (easy to say i know. it don't work for everyone). For exemple, what kind of relationship? Friend? Romantic? Other? And do you need to label it? (it's up to you and them ).

I am sorry, i am not great with relationship, so i hope its not too bad and i understand if it's not what you need.

 

Edited by Leton.

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11 minutes ago, Leton. said:

I want to reassure you by saying that you're not bad for it and that labels are up to you (and i would mean it) but i understand to anxiety. For what it's worth, changing what you call yourself as many times as you need is not bad. There is no real "perfect label at first" there, not really. I changed mines a lot. It's up to you.

It's not unfair. I have almost zero experience with that kind of relationship (my only experience was saying no) but i believe that communication is good (easy to say i know. it don't work for everyone). For exemple, what kind of relationship? Friend? Romantic? Other? And do you need to label it? (it's up to you and them ).

I am sorry, i am not great with relationship, so i hope its not too bad and i understand if it's not what you need.

 

It’s completely okay! I do appreciate your words. They’ve made me feel a bit better. Logically I know all of that but it’s nice to hear them from someone else. 

You are right though, communication is key. I think I would like to have a romantic relationship with this person (hold hands, kiss, maybe call each other pet names etc. Of course not the physical stuff rn, since the virus is still going on)  I will have to talk about this with her to see how she feels. 

I think for right now, I just need to exist however feels right at that time. For now, cupioromantic feels right. If something else feels right later, I have to remind myself not be scared of it. 

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2 minutes ago, punknoya said:

You are right though, communication is key. I think I would like to have a romantic relationship with this person (hold hands, kiss, maybe call each other pet names etc. Of course not the physical stuff rn, since the virus is still going on)  I will have to talk about this with her to see how she feels. 

👍

And remember : even in a romantic relationship you can discuss boundaries ! Seem obvious but can't hurt.

3 minutes ago, punknoya said:

I think for right now, I just need to exist however feels right at that time. For now, cupioromantic feels right. If something else feels right later, I have to remind myself not be scared of it.

Nice !

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1. loveeee the username

2. I literally felt the EXACT same way! For me, I think it's really important to note that societally defined "romantic actions" aren't really exclusively romantic. Like, I've held hands and cuddle with someone platonically. Which also means that you can have sex with someone meaningful without it being romantic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything we define as "relationship things" doesn't have to be romantic. You may want to look into what a QPR (queer platonic relationship) is! In a QPR, like all relationships, you get define how you want to show/receive affection (inclusive to all the typical "relationship things" but non-romantic)

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People have already said this, but yeah it's completely okay to desire all those things and still say you're aromantic. I want all of those things (except for maybe kissing on the lips in a non-sexual context, unsure about that)  and it doesn't make me any less aro, and there's no reason for it to make you any less aro either (unless of course you prefer to label yourself as such because of those feelings). As for wanting to be in a relationship, of course that's okay. Just make it clear to any partner that while you're interested you may not experience romantic attraction the same way they do; openness and communication is good in any sort of relationship.

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Oh boy, I feel you. I'm also 17, and while I consider myself also asexual, I can totally understand your feelings about relationships. Right now, I'm trying to figure out whether it's cuz society expects me to have a relationship, or because I actually want one. Whatever you decide to label yourself as, just know you're not alone! I'm going through the same thing and it's really freakin hard, but I'm glad that I have this community and countless others on the internet. And in the end, it's ok to not use labels either! You wouldn't be less aro if you decide that maybe you don't want to identify with any specific microlabel. 

(wow, this post was a mess, sorry for the rambles)

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On 7/12/2020 at 8:05 PM, boba said:

1. loveeee the username

2. I literally felt the EXACT same way! For me, I think it's really important to note that societally defined "romantic actions" aren't really exclusively romantic. Like, I've held hands and cuddle with someone platonically. Which also means that you can have sex with someone meaningful without it being romantic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything we define as "relationship things" doesn't have to be romantic. You may want to look into what a QPR (queer platonic relationship) is! In a QPR, like all relationships, you get define how you want to show/receive affection (inclusive to all the typical "relationship things" but non-romantic)

1. Thanks lol love the profile pic. We stan a pretty setter

2. I was wondering about qprs, they sound like something I might be interested in but at the same time I’m still worried that whoever I’d over up the idea to, would be offended or upset that I wouldn’t be able to feel for them in the exact same way. Idk, life’s complicated. I’ve still got things to leave about my comfort levels. All I can do is do whatever feels right in the moment. (Which is way easier said than done but it’s the thought that counts lol) It is nice to actively know that people have felt close to what I’m going through 

3 hours ago, Kat/Katya said:

I'm trying to figure out whether it's cuz society expects me to have a relationship, or because I actually want one.

That’s exactly what I’ve been wondering for a while!! I still don’t exactly know. It does sound nice but, in the one relationship I was in, I felt off. I assumed it was because I didn’t know this person enough to actually like them yet but I honestly don’t know if that’s really it.
Of course, logically I know that there are tons of people in this community that can relate to things I feel but it can be hard to genuinely feel it. This is nice though, I really appreciate you and all the others for taking time out of your day to reassure me and make me feel valid. ❤️
It wasn’t a mess lol don’t worry :)

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