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AroAnomaly

How did this happen AGAIN

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I accidentally got roped into dating 3 whole people.

And they all believe I have romantic feelings for them

and I'm too scared of what they might do if I tell them I don't to stop faking it.

The problem is not that there are three of them (they all know about each other enough to consent to me doing this)

The problem is that I'm only doing it because I feel emotionally manipulated into it.

I didn't want to let them down when we ~casually~ started dating and I didn't even realize we were dating until the "I love you"s became not platonic.

I want out but they are all very high-strung and depressed

and I don't want them to do something stupid 'cause I break up with them when I finally get to f**king tired of dealing with romantic sh*t

So yeah. Also this is not the first time this has happened to me and no I have no idea how I managed to solve this last time.

(I can't stand up for myself and just say no in cases like this because of the environment in which I was raised)

 

 

So, in conclusion: HELP

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Posted (edited)

I've also been through this, and I know it's very hard to do this. But it's important that they let them know how you're feeling (or not feeling.) Did they ever officially ask you out? If not, that's a place to start. Communication is very important in any relationship, romantic or not. If they never asked or pushed your boundaries to ask, that should be addressed. Not saying anything will just hurt yourself and potentially them as well. That all said: this is not your fault if you got pressured into this, your own feelings and boundaries are more important than letting others push yours, no matter how they feel about you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now and I hope it gets resolved peacefully.

Edited by Tarantulapaws
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8 hours ago, Tarantulapaws said:

I've also been through this, and I know it's very hard to do this. But it's important that they let them know how you're feeling (or not feeling.) Did they ever officially ask you out? If not, that's a place to start. Communication is very important in any relationship, romantic or not. If they never asked or pushed your boundaries to ask, that should be addressed. Not saying anything will just hurt yourself and potentially them as well. That all said: this is not your fault if you got pressured into this, your own feelings and boundaries are more important than letting others push yours, no matter how they feel about you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now and I hope it gets resolved peacefully.

Thank you for the advice. I’m going to try and see what I can do, and this was very helpful.

More context in case you have different advice with said context:

I offered to be in a platonic relationship with two of them (who are also dating each other) but it somehow turned romantic on their part (I guess that’s normal? Maybe?) so that’s why I’m hesitant to ask to get out because I did offer to be in a relationship with them, if not the kind that we apparently are in right now.

The other one also didn’t really officially say we’re dating but the attitude they present to me is no longer the queer platonic one we used to have but instead an explicitly romantic one.

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8 hours ago, AroAnomaly said:

I offered to be in a platonic relationship with two of them (who are also dating each other) but it somehow turned romantic on their part (I guess that’s normal? Maybe?)

As you don't know if it is 'normal' or not, it is possible that they also don't know how to keep things platonic in a relationship? maybe they just make assumptions about what progression happens when something becomes a relationship. This all boils down to you asserting your boundaries. Tell them when you are uncomfortable, and if they start interrogating you about why you are uncomfortable don't let them make you feel like it is your problem. If you cannot articulate why you feel uncomfortable that is fine, vocabulary and communication can be hard and some people just don't want to understand, so say something along the lines of: This action/activity/word makes me uncomfortable  and I am asking you to stop, the reasons why I feel uncomfortable are not as important than respecting my wishes.  

8 hours ago, AroAnomaly said:

The other one also didn’t really officially say we’re dating but the attitude they present to me is no longer the queer platonic one we used to have but instead an explicitly romantic one.

This one might have to be a conversation about what the relationship really is (as compared to a conversation about boundaries, though you probably need to talk about them too). If you didn't talk about what sort of bond you had, well now is the time to go over that. If this person is truly seeking a romantic relationship you will have to make it clear that you are not the person for that. 

This might give you some help with boundaries if you don't know where to start, or maybe give you some new ideas

On a final note, heavily biased from personal experience, if you are truly worried about them self-harming because of their possible reaction take some psychiatrist/therapist/counsellor numbers or fliers with you because if they are really in that state they need professional help. Also because threatening self-harm is a form of domestic abuse and control...so if they are holding it over you just get out of the situation and if you are still worried call the cops for a wellness check a few hours later. 

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Hey there, so help you need? Well let me try and give some. First comes you, and then comes the rest of the world. You cannot live for someone, you can only live for yourself. You cannot control what people feel, but it is in your right to say not if the new Term of Service (ToS) changes. You went in cuz it was said to be platonic, then it changed. So you should not feel bad to say this isn't what I signed up for. An example to make my point is that you signed up in your job to be a cashier, but the second day they give you a knife and say you are the new butcher. If you do not feel comfy, you can say no. Ik it is kinda hard, me speaking as an introverted with anxiety, but if you do not put up boundaries, it is bound to bite you later on the road. 

Your intention is not to make people feel bad. But you are not their therapist either, if your partner has some kind of illness, a doctor is the one that can help, not you. Your job is not to save people, it is to be in a mutually happy relationship. 

For the other one, the one that now is presenting as a romantic relationship, you should make the boundary clear too. If you like cuddles, the yay. If you don't like kisses, then nay. Just cuz your partner is changing the ToS, doesn't mean you have to accept them.

This is my personal experience, but it may help you. I went in a relationship thinking A. My partner knew that, but along the way it developed into something that I wasn't comfy. And I said nothing. Time flew past and my partner, thinking I agreed to the new ToS cuz I did not say the contrary, went in deeper. And because I wasn't putting boundaries, I ended up hurting them more than if I said something from the beggining. It was my fault not to speak first, but it is not my fault the feelings that my partner felt after it blew up, cuz those I cannot control. I put the boundary and that's it. If the ToS isn't agreed by both parties, the service is cancelled. And I use ToS because it is a simpler way of explaining. It is not by any means the perfect way, but it is more physical to grasp.

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On 7/9/2020 at 8:53 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

As you don't know if it is 'normal' or not, it is possible that they also don't know how to keep things platonic in a relationship? maybe they just make assumptions about what progression happens when something becomes a relationship. This all boils down to you asserting your boundaries. Tell them when you are uncomfortable, and if they start interrogating you about why you are uncomfortable don't let them make you feel like it is your problem. If you cannot articulate why you feel uncomfortable that is fine, vocabulary and communication can be hard and some people just don't want to understand, so say something along the lines of: This action/activity/word makes me uncomfortable  and I am asking you to stop, the reasons why I feel uncomfortable are not as important than respecting my wishes.  

This one might have to be a conversation about what the relationship really is (as compared to a conversation about boundaries, though you probably need to talk about them too). If you didn't talk about what sort of bond you had, well now is the time to go over that. If this person is truly seeking a romantic relationship you will have to make it clear that you are not the person for that. 

This might give you some help with boundaries if you don't know where to start, or maybe give you some new ideas

On a final note, heavily biased from personal experience, if you are truly worried about them self-harming because of their possible reaction take some psychiatrist/therapist/counsellor numbers or fliers with you because if they are really in that state they need professional help. Also because threatening self-harm is a form of domestic abuse and control...so if they are holding it over you just get out of the situation and if you are still worried call the cops for a wellness check a few hours later. 

 

On 7/9/2020 at 9:10 PM, Blake said:

Hey there, so help you need? Well let me try and give some. First comes you, and then comes the rest of the world. You cannot live for someone, you can only live for yourself. You cannot control what people feel, but it is in your right to say not if the new Term of Service (ToS) changes. You went in cuz it was said to be platonic, then it changed. So you should not feel bad to say this isn't what I signed up for. An example to make my point is that you signed up in your job to be a cashier, but the second day they give you a knife and say you are the new butcher. If you do not feel comfy, you can say no. Ik it is kinda hard, me speaking as an introverted with anxiety, but if you do not put up boundaries, it is bound to bite you later on the road. 

Your intention is not to make people feel bad. But you are not their therapist either, if your partner has some kind of illness, a doctor is the one that can help, not you. Your job is not to save people, it is to be in a mutually happy relationship. 

For the other one, the one that now is presenting as a romantic relationship, you should make the boundary clear too. If you like cuddles, the yay. If you don't like kisses, then nay. Just cuz your partner is changing the ToS, doesn't mean you have to accept them.

This is my personal experience, but it may help you. I went in a relationship thinking A. My partner knew that, but along the way it developed into something that I wasn't comfy. And I said nothing. Time flew past and my partner, thinking I agreed to the new ToS cuz I did not say the contrary, went in deeper. And because I wasn't putting boundaries, I ended up hurting them more than if I said something from the beggining. It was my fault not to speak first, but it is not my fault the feelings that my partner felt after it blew up, cuz those I cannot control. I put the boundary and that's it. If the ToS isn't agreed by both parties, the service is cancelled. And I use ToS because it is a simpler way of explaining. It is not by any means the perfect way, but it is more physical to grasp.

Thank you both so much for the help, I am going to be talking to all three of them today (and my therapist lol) because I have suddenly had a burst of self-confidence.

So hopefully things go well! Again, thank you so much!

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Okay good news so the talk with one out of the three went well we'll see how the other two go

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And I think another one has gotten it! One more to go, but they're not responding rn unfortunately.

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Oh update!

Everyone is on the same page now, I think, and for the most part has stopped being emotionally manipulative! So that’s good!

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