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Aromantic, demiromantic or inexperience?

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Guest Redpanda

So I never really got crushes or been interested in someone enough, but I thought it was due to my upbringing (traditional asian were you don't date while still in school).

I've recently finished school and started trying to date, but everytime I meet a guy on the first date I find myself seeing if he could be a good friend. (I only have a few male friends, so I'm not quite use with interacting with the opposite sex).

So I was wondering if I was aromantic or I did I not meet yet a guy that attract me in real life (despite liking the flirting banter online) or I need to know more about the guy and I just dont have enough experience in changing my mindset in finding a romantic relationship instead of friendship?

One of the reason that i wonder if i might be demiromantic is because I develop kind of an alterous attraction to one of the guy after we agreed to remain only friend.

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I had a friend who was in a very similar situation.  She really wanted to have a romantic relationship, it is a life goal for her. She became very active on dating sites for experience. For her it was simply a case of not having much experience in the beginning as she has since found love, even if the relationships didn't last. 

When you don't have obvious clues (like romance repulsions) working things out can be very hard. Experience is helpful just because it gives you more data to work with.

There is nothing wrong with using a label that fits your experience now and then changing to something that fits better when you learn more about yourself and how you experience things. You can choose to use a specific label or a more general one (greyromantic, aspec) depending on what you feel more comfortable using. 

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Firstly, hi!!! ^^ and second, only you can know what label you want and fits you, like @Apathetic Echidna said, there is nothing wrong changing labels based on your experiences. They are there to help you and your brain find something comfy and wholesome for you. Now, let me try to help you by telling you my experiences as an aromantic.

I experience don't experience romantic attraction at all, but I do experience other types of attractions, like platonic, sensual and aesthetic. One of the things that people misunderstand when they interact with me is that my behavior is socially flirty, not because I want it, but because my actions do not go according to what society stipulates it should be for people that barely know one another. So that is something that you should ask yourself. Also, I am speaking as an aromantic, not as a demiromantic, so idk if you want to experience it (by this I mean to develop a with someone a romantic relationship to know how you react) to convince yourself (you should only try to convince yourself not others). This ofc, should be done if you want, and the other person should be aware of the situation,  that you are rightfully exploring your sexuality, there is nothing wrong with that.

For me, I knew I was aromantic cuz I was in a relationship and I felt nothing of the romantically coded activities, and I was told multiple times I did not have feelings, which I do, but they are not romantic ones. You can befriend people because maybe you crave meaningful interactions with persons. We are social animals and there is nothing wrong with that, and maybe that friend can be a fbw, or strictly just friends, that is up to you to put boundaries. For me, every friend I have know that I have no problem having sex with them, but do I do it? nop. I look in a friend someone to be able to be relaxed, and enjoy myself and I see sex as an activity, just like riding a bicycle or exercising, not as a special moment cuz I don't think sex should be high on a pedestal, you can do it or you don't, that is up to you and life will continue either way.

Now if you want to identify with the label demiromantic, maybe you want first a friend, but then want something more intimae with that person. Maybe first they have to be a friend, and have a bond to then develop mushy feelings. Personally I don't so I won't speak a lot of it cuz I don't know it, but from what people say, you will develop feelings for that person after you form a bond, so i guess that is where you should start (if you do plz be safe).

As a scientist,  one experiment is not enough make a conclusion (natural science here, not social science), you should explore different scenarios until you are satisfied with the results. But keep open communications with whoever you are exploring your sexuality plz, you are exploring yourself but that other person is a human too and keeping them in the dark about whatever is happening is at the very least inconsiderate cuz that person may develop feelings for you and it is spending of their time to be with you. Sorry if it was too long, cheers and hope I could help you.

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Guest Redpanda

@Apathetic Echidna Thank you for your reply, it reassures me. 😊

@Blake Thank you for sharing your experience, it made me think a lot.

On 6/22/2020 at 10:14 PM, Blake said:

But keep open communications with whoever you are exploring your sexuality plz, you are exploring yourself but that other person is a human too and keeping them in the dark about whatever is happening is at the very least inconsiderate cuz that person may develop feelings for you and it is spending of their time to be with you.

I would feel too guilty to keep someone I'm trying to date in the dark. How would you go about explaining that I am exploring my sexuality without sounding like I'm using them? (which I do not I think, I only meet those that I'm truly interested in). I just said that I am still unsure/confuse to what I am feeling and that I never had crushes before. And looking back, I don't think it was the most accurate thing to say. I don't want to be misleading :/

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On 6/27/2020 at 9:41 AM, Guest Redpanda said:

How would you go about explaining that I am exploring my sexuality without sounding like I'm using them? (which I do not I think, I only meet those that I'm truly interested in). I just said that I am still unsure/confuse to what I am feeling and that I never had crushes before. And looking back, I don't think it was the most accurate thing to say. I don't want to be misleading :/

I would tell them straight up in the first date that you are exploring dating, and that you want to take it slow to get to know everything about it at your own pace and get to know if dating is for you or not. That is honest, and if the guy is worth something he will understand and won't pressure you. The important thing is that you feel comfy dating. Feelings are confusing, and having crushes is overrated :3 You are not misleading them by any means, it is not your responsibility if they don't understand that feelings are complex and that you are exploring yours. What is important is that you take it at your own pace and don't let anyone pressure you into anything. Hope it could help you.

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