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Guest Zdenko

My friend asked me out and I am in a panic

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Guest Zdenko

I have a good friend from college with whom I have been doing a lot of activities and we got along very well for two years, but now, she tells me she is in love with me and I don't know what to do about it : I like her as a friend, but I never imagined having a relationship with her, and I might have made a big mistake, because I'm not sure if i'm aro or not, I might even be asexual, what more, I don't know if I'm bi or hetero but when she asked me, I got a little carried away by curiosity and I told her we could try to learn more about it.

but now, because I told her I would invite another friend to an activity we were supposed to do together, she sends me weird messages, saying that she is very hurt, but I can't see why. I have zero experience in relationships, it has never interested me but I thought I should try before judging, but now I am all but circumspect. What should I do ?

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Hello there mate, Ok starting from the top. I don't know the situation completely since I just have what you told me to go on. Your friend told you without going around that she is in love with you. Not that she thinks she is, but that she is. This means that she wants to spend time with you, and you only, not another friend. Idk if you told her that you don't know your identity yet or what you meant with getting a little carried away(below).

7 hours ago, Guest Zdenko said:

because I'm not sure if i'm aro or not, I might even be asexual, what more, I don't know if I'm bi or hetero but when she asked me, I got a little carried away by curiosity and I told her we could try to learn more about it.

Before entering into a relationship with someone that is alloromantic, you have to understand that it is gonna be kinda wacky if you are a-spec. Since that other person is feeling things that you maybe don't feel. Also, what may be obvious or normal for you, may not be for that person. The example is when you said that you wanted to bring a friend. That is ok, but think if she would want that above spending time with you. Maybe she had plans for later, but now it can't be done because of that friend.

Now on what I consider is the important part. Under no circumstances should you enter a relationship to just "try it out" before telling that other person that you are not sure what you feeling, that this is new for you, or that you want to try being in a relationship but just want to know how it is. It is very important that the other person knows that you are testing the relationship to understand it. Because if you do not make those warnings, you will hurt the other person. This is a person, not a toy, she is giving her time for you, she is expressing feelings for you. And you told her that you accepted them, that means that she trusts you, and if you betray that trust by not taking it seriously, it is a bad situation. My counsel, as someone that got in a relationship without telling the other person that my feelings where not romantic, is that you sit down with her, tell her that this is new, you have zero idea of what you are doing, you do not know if you are a-spec, meaning that maybe you will not be able to reciprocate her feelings. To not get her hopes up, not until you explore your identity. In my opinion, if you do not know what you are feeling, you will hurt the other person giving them false hopes. Be in a relationship if you are crystal clear with that other(s) person that you are a hot mess (pun??) and that you are discovering yourself. Hope it helps

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Guest Zdenko

Thank you very much !

I had a long talk with her and could explain the things I did not/ could not feel and the situation got a lot safer. I still feel bad because I hurt her feelings unintentionally, and I am reassured that we can still be friends. Thank you for your advice, I will not make the same mistakes if this kind of situation occurs again. ( This lack of understanding is maybe due to the fact that I'm very likely to be on the autisme spectrum. but I'm not sure... they are a lot of emotions I don't understand and I have already have had problems because of it .)

Thank you again for your advice .

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Not a problem. Glad I could help you mate. And happy thoughts for you and her. Cheers

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