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Forcing yourself to have crushes

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Random thought: I used to try to sort of force myself to have crushes. I remember thinking, "okay, so I'm supposed to care more about my appearance now, right?" and I tried to care. I gave up after a bit and went back to my usual shorts and a T-shirt.

Sometimes I'll randomly remember these things that I used to do when I didn't know about aromanticism. Anybody have stories like that?

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I didn't really force myself to have crushes, I thought I'd just have to wait a bit longer and I'd get a crush eventually, but that never happened. However I sometimes get really strong squishes, so at some point I thought those must've been crushes, but when I had those "crushes" I was just like "romantic relationship? Naahhh, I'd rather be friends with them." And then I just ignored that I thought they were crushes and just tried to make friends with them ^_^

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I wouldn't say I forced myself to have crushes; more like it took me a long time to realize that what I defined as crushes was not exactly what other people though of when they "crushed". When I said crush I meant "I am physically attracted to them, perhaps I even like them as a person, and I probably would be open to making out with them and maybe something more", but it was always tinged with something uncomfortable that I couldn't pinpoint at the time. Like it was an intellectual feeling more than an emotional one, if that makes sense.

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at a period of time I forced myself to "take a chance on love" so I wouldnt end up forever alone.

 

so when I got squishes I would try to force myself to a point where I would become confortable with being with them romantically. I thought it would be a matter of time or practise.

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11 minutes ago, Natkat said:

I thought it would be a matter of time or practise.

That's exactly what I thought. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I would develop romantic feelings. (Hint: it didn't work.)

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I feel you all the way! (That sounds weird)

But really I tried to force a friendship into a smooch smooch because of peer pressure and heteronormativity a bunch of times and that's something to regret.

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 I always used to 'have' crushes on conveniently unavailable people, on the tag-you-are-it basis. I was really insecure about my sexuality, so I felt the need to create an excuse so the whole homosexuality thing did not sound so pervy.

Because you know, the stereotype that romance is all flowers and kittens and tea parties but sexual stuff is dirty, soulless, objectifing if you don't feel the True Love to redeem yourself. thump_9280741skleroz.gif

 

So I choose a random very pretty female friend (I wasn't even sexually attracted to her, so it was perfect) and decided to tell everyone I had a crush on her. She was straight and had a boyfriend, so it was perfect. Safe as it gets. I had the token straight crush, therefore I was a Proper Lesbian. No risk of her asking me out, and because I wasn't attracted to her, I thought it was a noble thing lol. Oh naive teenage me... 9_9 ¬¬ But at least I'm not the only one with some weird internalized nonsense here.

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I had crushes on people, but I never actually wanted anything to come from them. It wasn't out of a fear, because many of these people were my friends. I just didn't like the thought of being in a relationship with anyone. I always thought it was funny that people pursued their crushes, or at least I couldn't quite understand why they'd be so bold.

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I never tried to force myself into crushes, but I didn't think I needed to since I assumed that eventually they would just happen.  I thought maybe I was just pickier than most people, so it was taking longer xD  Then by my late teen years it still hadn't happened, and I was like, "oooohhhh..." and realized it wasn't ever going to happen.

 

But @Cassiopeia's post reminded me,  I was often the object of closeted gay friends' "crushes."  Off the top of my head I can think of three of my closeted gay friends from when I was a teen who had a "crush" on me.  I was quite a popular target for a cover, it would seem 9_9

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5 hours ago, PerformativeSurprise said:

I never tried to force myself into crushes, but I didn't think I needed to since I assumed that eventually they would just happen.  I thought maybe I was just pickier than most people, so it was taking longer xD  Then by my late teen years it still hadn't happened, and I was like, "oooohhhh..." and realized it wasn't ever going to happen.

Pretty much the same for me, too :P

 

I don't think I really forced a crush, but I think I tried to "exaggerate" some friendships into thinking that it was a sort of crush... but it didn't really work.

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Much like PerformativeSurprise, I never did. I just figured it would eventually happen and was 23 before I finally embraced that it probably wouldn't xD. I have never been the type to force it for reasons of wanting to fit in either. I've always been pretty casual. "who do you like?" "nobody."

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In year 4 I told myself that I had a crush on some random dude. And then tried my very best to be upset when I learnt he was moving schools. I forgot about him completely the day after he moved. Oops.

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I don't feel like I ever had to force crushes for anyone else. When that type of conversation came up at sleepovers, between my group of friends the question was more like 'who would you go out with?' than 'who do you have a crush on?' and I think it was fairly clear that I was just coming up with someone who would do as an answer because it would take me ages to come up with one. I would also follow along when my group of friends had an infatuation on a celebrity, but I know that there was no romantic attraction involved for me and it was more sexual attraction/following group behaviour.

 

Thinking about it some more though, I have this diary that I purposefully lose so I can finded it every year or 2, look back at previous entries to see how I've changed and then write about present me. Included in the notebook is a list of people I've 'fancied' but I know I've never really fancied any of them? Their more like the resposes I would come up with at sleepovers. I suppose they were me trying to do the whole 'learning to have crushes' thing. It's funny how I've never all-out lied about crushes to others, but I seem to have lied to myself.

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4 hours ago, Dodgypotato said:

In year 4 I told myself that I had a crush on some random dude. And then tried my very best to be upset when I learnt he was moving schools. I forgot about him completely the day after he moved. Oops.

Haha! I forget people too if they leave unless we have a strong friendship to remember 

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I had a few squishes on guys before. So I kind of decided that they were crushes later on (like two years ago). Then this year, I kind of realized "Oh wait, they were really just squishes. And very mild at that." But then I got a more intense squish/crush and know for absolute sure those were all squishes. But I might have a "fake crush" right now. I kind of told some people about it, so I'm at this weird point where my friends refer to me as aro, but still refer to my crush sometimes.

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I forced myself to have crushes but it was because everyone had them and I didn't really know what it felt like, so there was a constant Gollum-like discussion in my head between what was imposed and what I really felt:

"I like this person, they are funny and I like their appereance and I kind of want to put my face on theirs..."

"THAT'S IT, YOU HAVE A CRUSH"

"Are you su..."

"YES THAT'S A CRUSH GO ASK THEM FOR A DATE"

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I used to flirt a bit when I went to parties, I thought the feelings might show up once we had flirtily interacted, but then I would slip up and say something weird or unflirty or forget I was meant to be paying attention to that specific person and I would disappear on them. 

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