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WaywardHeroine

Why do I feel the need to avoid my partner?

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So first, hello! I'm Katie and I'm new.  Second, I have a bit of a dilemma:

I think I’ve dated a lot of people for someone definitely on the aromantic spectrum (I assumed I was biromantic until recently, but I think that was just denial, to be honest).  My current partner and I have been together for over six months now.  When we first met, we clicked immediately, and I was even a little jealous when they started chatting with the other people in our group.  Afterwards, we started texting, and things just fell into place.  This was the first relationship I’ve ever actively pursued.  I really really wanted this person in my life.

The thing is, lately I’ve found myself trying to avoid them- making excuses to get out of dates, or finding a reason to be busy on the weekend to avoid hanging out.  It’s gotten really bad in the last couple of months.  I’d write it off as just me being an introvert, but I don’t get this kind of anxiety when I’m just hanging out with my friends.  It’s kind of hard to explain, but whenever my partner asks to make plans, I become irrationally and unreasonably defensive, like they’re encroaching on my space or personal time.  I know it’s stupid, and I feel awful, but I don’t know what to do about it.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, either.  In my past relationships it would happen all the time.  I would be friends with a person, they would confess, and as soon as we started “dating” a switch would be flipped, and I would immediately engage avoidance procedures.  I would get ticked off whenever they would wish me goodnight, or ask how my day was, and I didn’t want to hang out as frequently, even though we’d been hanging out as friends for months.  Not to mention that every time we kissed, I would be counting the seconds, and cuddling made me incredibly uncomfortable.

I assumed those feelings of “wrongness” was just because I wasn’t with the right person.  I’m really worried now, because I care very deeply about my current partner.  I don’t want to feel this way, but lately I have this voice in my head saying, “Okay, is it over yet?”

I really like this person, but I don’t understand why I feel the need to avoid them.  Am I just being irrational?  How should I deal with these feelings?

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Hello there mate! now on to your dilemma. From what you described you may be lithromantic. here, since from what people have described in this forum, you like/love romance in theory, but once a relationship is initiated you suddenly lose interest. I may be wrong and if so, anyone may correct me. And no, you aren't being irrational, you just are what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

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Sounds like romance repulsion to me. Just because you like someone as a person doesn't mean you like them in every scenario- Like, I love my grandma, but I wouldn't feel very comfortable going to see a graphic horror movie with her, right? You might love this person as a friend, but feel uncomfortable in a romantic situation with them. And you may very well not be comfortable in a romantic situation with anyone. There's nothing wrong with that, and I would advise you to take care of yourself and not put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable.

Speaking from experience... I think the only way to really handle it is to break up with them gently, sooner rather than later. I've been in a similar situation, and it only got worse and worse until I didn't want to be around them at all. If you just say something like "Hey, I think you're a great person but I don't think this whole romance thing is working out, can we go back to being strictly friends?" you have a chance at saving yourself, and frankly, your friend, a lot of frustration.

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Hello and welcome!

You're the only person who knows how you feel, but I was in a very similar situation and I'm, like, 80% sure I'm aro. :)

I was in a romantic relationship for about a year and like Jot-Aro Kujo said, it's best to just tell them how you feel. Maybe you can go back to being friends, maybe (like in my case) it'll take a few months, but just talking about it is going to be huge.

Good luck with your dilemma, and remember that you're never alone!

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I know I'm v late to this thread, but I have a similar problem where I get avoidant when someone initiates romance, and my feelings for the person vanish if they like me back. I have two ideas for why this happens to me, personally, and maybe they could apply to you too:

Possibility #1: Blake already talked about this on this thread, but Lithromantic is an identity on the aromantic spectrum that might fit you. Here's a link to more info: Linky link

Possibility #2: Attachment disorder! I don't know a ton about this, but it's a thingy in psychology relating to how we behave in a romantic relationship, or basically any relationship. There are different attachment styles, for example, Secure, Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant, Preoccupied, etc. They're often influenced by ur relationship with ur parents when you were growing up, as well as past trauma. These can be overcome and improved to be more secure, such as through therapy. Here's a link about that too: linkety link link, and here's another: lonk. (These are both videos.)

I hope these help. This sounds hella difficult, but you're gonna figure it out. Take care!

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Guest Arrow1

How can we tell the difference between lithromantic and attachment avoidance?

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On 5/13/2020 at 9:31 PM, WaywardHeroine said:

So first, hello! I'm Katie and I'm new.  Second, I have a bit of a dilemma:

I think I’ve dated a lot of people for someone definitely on the aromantic spectrum (I assumed I was biromantic until recently, but I think that was just denial, to be honest).  My current partner and I have been together for over six months now.  When we first met, we clicked immediately, and I was even a little jealous when they started chatting with the other people in our group.  Afterwards, we started texting, and things just fell into place.  This was the first relationship I’ve ever actively pursued.  I really really wanted this person in my life.

The thing is, lately I’ve found myself trying to avoid them- making excuses to get out of dates, or finding a reason to be busy on the weekend to avoid hanging out.  It’s gotten really bad in the last couple of months.  I’d write it off as just me being an introvert, but I don’t get this kind of anxiety when I’m just hanging out with my friends.  It’s kind of hard to explain, but whenever my partner asks to make plans, I become irrationally and unreasonably defensive, like they’re encroaching on my space or personal time.  I know it’s stupid, and I feel awful, but I don’t know what to do about it.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, either.  In my past relationships it would happen all the time.  I would be friends with a person, they would confess, and as soon as we started “dating” a switch would be flipped, and I would immediately engage avoidance procedures.  I would get ticked off whenever they would wish me goodnight, or ask how my day was, and I didn’t want to hang out as frequently, even though we’d been hanging out as friends for months.  Not to mention that every time we kissed, I would be counting the seconds, and cuddling made me incredibly uncomfortable.

I assumed those feelings of “wrongness” was just because I wasn’t with the right person.  I’m really worried now, because I care very deeply about my current partner.  I don’t want to feel this way, but lately I have this voice in my head saying, “Okay, is it over yet?”

I really like this person, but I don’t understand why I feel the need to avoid them.  Am I just being irrational?  How should I deal with these feelings?

I’ve had a very similar experience as an apromantic, maybe look into it and it’s other names, lithromantic/apromantic/akoiromantic? Hopefully this helps/makes sense.

On 8/31/2020 at 11:58 PM, Guest Arrow1 said:

How can we tell the difference between lithromantic and attachment avoidance?

Personally, I don’t think the difference matters too much. If a label makes someone comfortable, they should use it. But I can kind of see where you’re coming from, and I don’t know how to answer that. I might get back to you once I’m more educated on attachment avoidance.

Ok, so all I really found so far is that it’s considered pseudoscientific, because it currently has no definable diagnostic requirements. It’s validity is questioned among many medical professionals. Also, who says someone can’t be both? One label doesn’t invalidate another, intersectionality is common

Edited by Tylore
Attempting to be helpful, but I feel like I failed, so I might edit it again later

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