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panda27

Aromantic or commitment issues?

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For reference, I am a lesbian (or at least I think I am.)

It has been a running joke among me and me friends for years that I have commitment issues, because no relationship I get into lasts very long.
At first I was getting into relationships that would consist of being in a "talking" stage for a few months, before dating for maybe a couple of weeks and breaking up, either because I felt trapped in the relationship and broke it off, or because I would start giving very dull replies and so they would break it off. Now its got to a point where even in the "talking" stage I feel trapped even texting back is a chore.

So far every time I lost interest I've had something to pin it on: mental health; exams; family life etc. but recently I've started talking to a girl who is litterally everything I thought I wanted in a relationship and at an ideal time because my exams have been cancelled due to covid-19. On paper this is the ideal situation, but already a couple of days into speaking to her I'm getting that feeling of dread when she messages me because I know I'll have to come up with a reply.

Another thing to note is I have only ever had two major "crushes" throughout school. One was on a girl who is now my best friend, and the other was on a girl who I have now become very close friends with. In both cases the sort of butterflys-in-my-stomach "crush" feeling went away once I became friends with them, so could it be that I was misinterpreting my feelings all along?

It could be that it is just commitment issues and I need to "find the right person" or whatever, but I wanted some anonymous opinions?
Thanks.

 

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Guest myt namet

Well, noone can tell what you feels except yourself. Maybe you have not found someone that suits you or maybe you are on the aro spectrum or maybe this is something else. Maybe read some stories on this forum about what others lives and see if you relate to their experiences. But based on what you said, here is some links that might help you.

12 hours ago, panda27 said:

In both cases the sort of butterflys-in-my-stomach "crush" feeling went away once I became friends with them, so could it be that I was misinterpreting my feelings all along?

It could be, a lot of aros (and some allos as well) have misinterpreted squishes to be crushes. Also, have you already read stuffs about Frayromantics   a?

12 hours ago, panda27 said:

I've started talking to a girl who is litterally everything I thought I wanted in a relationship and at an ideal time because my exams have been cancelled due to covid-19. On paper this is the ideal situation, but already a couple of days into speaking to her I'm getting that feeling of dread when she messages me because I know I'll have to come up with a reply.

have you already read stuffs about Lithromantics   ?

overall, there is a thread on this forum with a lot of "symptoms" of beeing aro : https://www.arocalypse.com/topic/135-you-might-be-aro-if/?tab=comments#comment-2309

And anyway, labels are not that important, you just need to find out what makes you happy or unhappy in the romance universe.

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I'm not an expert or anything, but what you described, @panda27 , is similar to what I went through. For the longest time I thought it was commitment issues. Turns out, I'm lithromantic.

I was in a relationship for over a year with a guy who on paper was practically perfect and is everything a parent would look for in their child's significant other. But newsflash, being in a relationship when you're lithromantic sucks and is not advisable. I felt trapped, I dreaded getting texts from him because I knew I had to answer with something, I felt guilty because I wasn't being a "good girlfriend", and I was not emotionally available like he was. When we broke up, I felt so free and I was truly happy for the first time in months. I am learning to be friends with him again, and in all honesty, I am way more supportive as an ex than as his girlfriend. A little more than two weeks after we broke up, I figured out I was aromantic, more specifically lithromantic. The flirting stages when you are getting to know someone are fun and feel nice. Actually knowing the person and trying to be more than friends/ romantic with them brings feelings of dread and anxiety. 

I am not you. My experiences do not speak on the behave of others. If anything, I hope that my this makes you feel less alone and more at peace. Only you can decide what is best for you. If you think it is commitment issues, I wish you good luck in dealing with them and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. If you think you're aromantic, welcome to the community and know that you are not alone. In either case, take your time and figure stuff out.

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On 5/4/2020 at 3:00 AM, panda27 said:

So far every time I lost interest I've had something to pin it on: mental health; exams; family life etc. but recently I've started talking to a girl who is litterally everything I thought I wanted in a relationship and at an ideal time because my exams have been cancelled due to covid-19. On paper this is the ideal situation, but already a couple of days into speaking to her I'm getting that feeling of dread when she messages me because I know I'll have to come up with a reply.

A similar experience to this was what tipped me off I was aro. I dated this guy that was perfect on paper, and by the third date all my feelings for him had disappeared. I realized my problem to find someone was not about waiting for "the one"

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I don't think you have commitment issues, also "the right one" can be fulfilled by more than one person, I don't believe that of the billions of people that there is, just one is "the right one". It is more possible that there are many "right ones" and you stumble upon one of those, or even several. Now, as they said above, maybe you can be lithromantic, frayromantic or you can be aromantic. But only you will know that, only you can put the label upon yourself. From what you wrote, I can partially identify. That feeling of being restrained, suffocating inside a relationship and putting up an "excuse" of my behavior. If you feel restrained, then do not be inside that relationship, that much I can say, because you will eventually be miserable. One thing you can do is, tell the other person how you feel when they text you. Try to find a comfortable place but together. Set rules and boundaries, and discuss them with the other person. If one rule doesn't work, change it. Be dynamic, a relationship can as fluid as you like to. Respect each boundary, each step is one closer to knowing what you want and what you don't want. Hope it helps you.

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