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hart watcher

my identity is a secret (is yours?)

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i personally only ever plan to come as aromantic out to close friends, and otherwise keep my family and coworkers in the dark. they perceive me as being queer, which is fine because i can maintain my aesthetic attraction openly while also just... not dating.

it may come up one day, and i may change my mind and be honest... but it is for my personal safety that it remains a secret. 

so, here’s my question to y’all out of pure curiosity to see what people think on the subject of coming out etc:

how do you feel about keeping your aromantic identity a secret? have you come out, and if so, to whom? friends - family - coworkers - etc? 

do you plan to never come out? if not, im interested to hear why, and if you think that may change or not.

its sort of nice to see how other people relate & deal with this topic, personally!

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To me, it isn't a secret, it is just not relevant to most people. My close friends and family know, but not relatives and acquaintances. But I perceive it differently I think. I don't think of it as a secret, but I don't feel any need to be vocal about it either. So I will never have a 'coming out' moment in that sense. My aromaticism and asexuality too I suppose, feels more like, just some stuff I am not interested in doing. It isn't information that most people around me need to know. I am always a bit nervous with talking about it, that people will think I am weird, but it is very much a social worry, if that makes sense. I never feared for my safety or anything. And everyone who's known me for a length of time have likely noticed my complete lack of dates and partners at least.

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It isn't a secret... except for my parents. I kinda tell my mother but I'm not sure she gets it, and I don't want to have an argument with my dad,  though I'll probably tell him once because I'm getting tired of his frustation that I'l still not dating ("at this rythm, I'm not getting greatchildren soon!" well dad, you'll have someday, but I won't get a husband).

 

But for other, it is not a secret. Not necessarily something I speak about every second, but if it comes in the conversation, I surely don't hide it. First time I say it I was nervous, but not anymore. I have open-minded friend, that helps.

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My friends know that I'm genderfluid and pansexual, but not that I'm demiromantic. I don't really feel it's necessary to tell people because I'm not actively looking for someone to date, and I don't want to date any of them. 

My parents just think I'm a lesbian, because that's what I first came out to them as in 7th grade, and I don't really feel brave enough to update them that I'm not a lesbian, because 1. they don't believe in ace-aro identities 2. they don't believe in non-binary genders, and are very reluctant about binary trans people.

It'd be nice to tell people about it being demiromantic one day, but I'm not in the position to do that right now. 

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My romantic identity is known to a selected few of my friends. This is because it is mine and it doesnt affects them in anything since I won't date them, so it is just useless info for them that I just don't like them to have if is not absolutely neccessary. I am very reserved with what I share about me because that is information that I no longer have control of how it would spread. My sexual identity, I am more liberal, since I can explain it and not have them think that I want to be a special snowflake. People believe more in sexual attraction than in any other type of attraction. 

I don't plan to come out since I don't believe I have to do it. I can explain what is aromantism without telling that I identify as one. Now, if I trust the person, I may tell them I identify as aromantic, otherwise is a big no. My reason is cuz bigotry and trying to invalidate my identity is not something I take lightly, so to avoid conflict I prefer to keep silent. My fam is part of why I am reserved, cuz they don't believe what I tell them, so I won't waste my saliva in that. "There is no one blinder than the one that doesn't want to see"

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I like to think I'm in a sort of "glass closet" situation but honestly I'm scared to come out to new people because I never know how they'll react. I know that 99% of the time they'll need a vocab lesson, but what I don't know is where they'll go from there. Will the accept it? Will they tell me I'm just trying to be special? I don't know, so I usually don't like to tell a lot of people I'm aro.

I have, however, told almost all my closer friends, and I've told my brother, because I like making aro jokes all the time.

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I'm still young and waiting to make that definitive, "if I haven't felt it now, I won't ever feel it," decision, and I don't want to tell anyone until I do. 

I did tell my sister, because she was making bets with her friends that I was lesbian, and I had to put a stop to that. It's also nice for someone to talk to. 

But I wish I could just hang a sign on my neck that says "I'm aromantic" and that will ward all the people away. I don't want your love, leave me alone!

 

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I have discussed my bisexuality and polyamorousness with a few other people in my community.  I have not discussed my aromanticism with anyone in my community but my therapists.  I'm not sure that I can give a full explanation of why I haven't told my friends.  One thing is that I haven't found anyone that I want to be in a physically affectionate or sexual relationship with in a bit over 5 years -- the disadvantages of living in a small rural community whose predominate values vastly differ from yours (Yes, I do have hopes of moving to a bigger city in the next couple of years.).   I suppose part of it is that coming out to friends as aromantic takes more explaining.  Bisexuality is something that people know what is -- I might have to worry about disapproval, but I don't have to explain what it means.  My quick explanation of polyamory is that I believe in "open relationships" or that I don't "do exclusivity"; it doesn't usually take a lot of explaining for people to understand what I mean -- again there is the question of disapproval or not understanding why I would do my relationships in that fashion, but it seems like it is easier to explain what I do.  I know that I could come out to a couple of my friends as aromantic and not have to worry about disapproval, but I guess that it seems that my feelings are not as "solid" a thing as my behavior -- though, that is an interesting question: given that I haven't had any partners in over 5 years, to what extent is my bisexuality and polyamorousness truly a behavior rather than an attitude?  

Potential partners need to know that all I am looking for is an affectionate and sexual friendship.  (Would I want some kind of more committed QPR?  Perhaps at some point in the future, but it would take quite a while to build that level of trust.)  I thought of making the analogy that one's potential partners need to be told about one's kinks, but one's friends do not need to be told; but I have already discussed a couple of my kinks with one of my bestfriends who I never had a sexual interest in, so that analogy doesn't seem to hold up to scrutiny in my life.  

When I put up a profile on a dating site -- which for various reasons will be after I move to a bigger city --, I will have to disclose what I am looking for in a relationship to potential partners; but as it stands now, I can't see the urgency of discussing my aromanticism. 

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I'm to afraid, one time I tried telling the school therapist who really was a great resource and she said my feelings would "change with time" I don't think my parents would be happy, 've dropped some hints but they say things like "It's natural to feel like that at your age"

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With my parents (and other family), I kind of feel that my ace and aro identities need to be secret. I don't fear their disapproval, etc, but the thought of telling them feels so wrong in my body.

With everyone else, it's neutral. I don't want to keep it a secret, but I don't want to blurt it out randomly to them.

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I casually came out as lithromantic to my parents and brothers (three times for my mom as she dismissed it and forgot the first two times:facepalm:xD) and I usually say that I'm aro or ace if someone asks because lithromantic is complicated to explain and because I don't date anyway. I like to make fun of myself because of my aro moments and romance obliviousness when I'm with certain of my friends.

I never told anyone  that I'm aplatonic (exept for one person that was obviouslly aplatonic too), because I never needed to, and because I'm afraid of the potential reactions. I lay some hints to those I trust though.

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I keep it a secret, but just the identity, you get it? No one really knows that I am aro (besides of my closest friends) but everybody knows my lack of interest in romantic relationships

I've never planned of "coming out" and I do not plan to. My lifestyle is obvious, my interests are obvious. If someone asks, I'll answer with sincerity

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I've mentioned that I don't really ever want to get married, but I haven't come out as aro. I own a few pride things and I've actively lied about what they represent. I don't really know why. I'm not ashamed of who I am and I want to be open about it, but it's just hard for me to do that when I know a lot of people will think it's weird or won't understand it, or might not even believe that it's a real thing. I also know most people don't know what aromanticism is and I don't want to have to go through the whole process of explaining it every time it comes up. I usually just say vaguely that I'm not interested in dating right now and leave it at that.

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My mom and some of my friends know, but I don't care a lot about telling other people. I don't have this "I must be out to everyone" thing. I just live my life and my sexuality the way a feel it

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I tell people that I’ve never had a crush, and that I’m not interested in dating or getting married. I don’t want to explicitly tell anyone about my romantic and sexual orientations. To me, they’re very personal.

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I'm bi and super open about it, which contrasts a lot with how I feel about my aroallo identity. It feels less like an orientation and more like a specific label that applies to a strong part of my personality that I'm only now beginning to understand-- not to say that's a universal truth for everyone, that's just how it feels personally! I don't feel the desire to openly tell people about my personal view on relationships and romantic attraction. 

I'm honestly dealing with this right now. I have a tentative thing going on with a girl at my work. We've both agreed that we weren't in a good place for an actual relationship right now (when we did, I hadn't yet realized I was aro), but we're still open to a physical relationship (in theory-- thanks, covid) and we flirt a lot at work. So, naturally, my other coworkers tease me about it. I'm fine with that-- but one of them, though he's super sweet, keeps asking me what the deal is with us. I told him we're not in a relationship and not going to be, and he asked me why. I ended up just telling him "I don't want to," which worked pretty well. In terms of outside people who aren't in any sort of close relationship with me, no, I don't think I'd come out to them unprompted, maybe even if they asked me about it.

However, I'm thinking about telling the girl from my work-- because if she has feelings for me, then it wouldn't be fair to enter into any kind of relationship without being honest with her about how I feel. I think it's just a case-by-case basis. 

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I wouldn't say it's a secret but I don't tell most people because it feels like it will just be an unpleasant conversation without a reward. I'm very open when it comes to things like my trans identity, since that is important for other people to know, but my lack of a love life isn't anybody's business but my own. My close friends know but if an acquaintance asks if I'm seeing someone I generally just respond with something vague about how I don't have an interest in dating. 

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