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Artemis's Aro

Would a QPR be unfair to an alloromantic?

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Context: I am aromantic heterosexual, and the girl I want to be in a QPR with is biromantic asexual, and I'm pretty sure she already has a crush on me. We both love each other a lot, but I know that she probably feels some type of romantic feelings for me that I can't reciprocate. She knows I'm aroallo, so she probably hasn't said anything because she knows it would make me uncomfortable. We've both joked around with pet names like "wife" and "zucchini" (I explained what a QPR is) and I think I would be comfortable in a QPR with her. I think we're even already in an unofficial QPR. 

The thing is, I'm worried a QPR is unfair to her. It'd be the same as our current relationship with the addition of hand-holding and cuddling and stuff like that. I could probably even do a little kissing but it's not what I would initiate. The reasons I'm worried:

  1. We literally have opposite orientations (me being aroallo and her being alloace).
  2. We have two years left in school together, and then we're probably going to different colleges, and I don't want to deal with the possibility of breaking up.
  3. She might feel like she's not getting enough from the relationship; I would probably feel bad for not being able to give it.
  4. It's almost impossible for me to be attracted to her in any way other than in the context of a QPR. I think sex seems gross and terrifying, so at least, since she's ace, we don't have to deal with that, but would it be limiting to me? If I'm with a girl and not a guy?
  5. Both our parents are homophobic. Even if we tried to explain a QPR I don't think they'd take it well, so we'd have to keep this secret from them. We'd be safe at school and with our friends. My parents are homophobic, but I don't think I'm in danger of getting kicked out or anything. I think they'd just take away my internet and stop letting me hangout with friends, which would absolutely suck. Her parents know she's bi but probably don't want her dating girls yet? Like they've accepted that she's bi but it's still sort of an uncomfortable topic with them..

I really do want a QPR with her and we already love each other a lot. We talk all the time and if it weren't for quarantine we'd probably be hanging out together a lot. I'd love to go on 'dates' with her just to hang out. We've made a playlist with songs that remind us of each other and I find it adorable. Every time I see her face or get a text from her my mood changes for the better so quickly it's unbelievable. I really do love her, and I know she feels the same, I'm just worried about the implications of an official relationship.

Do y'all have any advice?

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Posted (edited)

I feel like it would be unfair. She could be with someone who can feel the same way about her, and you're not even into girls. You should be with a guy. Just be honest and tell her you still want to be friends but that you'd also be interested in hand holding and cuddling.

Edited by Finn

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Ask her. Does she want to be in one? How important to her is romance? Can she be in a QPR and have a romantic partner, or do you want this to be her only partnership of any variety?

We can't read her mind. Alloromantic folks are not all identical in their desires, and not every QPR is the same by far. If you don't know how she would feel about something, ask her.

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@Artemis's Aro I can't answer all your questions, but FTR, some of the earliest people to use "queerplatonic" were Meloukhia (whose QP partner went on romantic dates with other people) and Sci (whose partner is alloromantic). So a QPR with an alloromantic is something there's already been precedent for from the beginning.

Apart from that: What will work for either of you as people is going to depend on the two of you, as people, not the terminology you use.

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I do believe QPPs can work where one party is alloromantic, but I think if I were in this situation, I would encourage my alloromantic partner(s) to find romance somewhere else, with someone else whilst still being in a QPP with me. As I am still allosexual, I would also seek to find sexual fulfillment with someone else. I don't know if people who aren't poly like myself can do that but I think it's unfair to stop people from fulfilling their needs, as long as both parties are informed of what's happening. But I do understand that people who are not poly could find this difficult. 

I also think it's a bit risky to be in this partnership due to both your parents' intolerance for gay people, but if you both are willing to take that risk, go for it. Just be careful. I think you just need to talk to her about what you both want from your relationship. 

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Posted (edited)

 QPRs like this are entirely possible. I have people I know long distance who I engage with in a number of "inherently romantic" ways, but it wasn't without in depth conversations and a constant reiteration of boundaries and ensuring that they also know they can get their romantic affection elsewhere. I didn't get anywhere without the emotional labor and patience of sitting down and explaining myself, and making sure the people I love are also satisfied in the state of our QPR. I don't think we've put a name on it, but I don't think we need to. It's worked for us this long so-- but that's my story and I'm getting ahead of myself.

What a QPR/QPP is for each partnership is entirely up to the people involved. How it's defined and how it works would be up to you and her. It sounds like you both are inherently compatible in a lot of ways, but situationally there's going to be a lot of roadbumps and potential harm to both sides. Still, it's up to her and you if you're willing to put in that risk.

As well, and stop me if it's too forward-- but if you're considering this with your heterosexuality in mind, does your orientation feel like it needs reevaluating? These are questions unfortunately only you can answer yourself, but you care about her- that much is obvious. Would it be fair to her? That's something to weigh as well, but something I think she's also capable of weighing.

None of this is solvable without an upfront discussion, and since the care is there I think that makes it more the plausible to have these discussions. Just be careful, mind each other, and respect each other. If this is something she wants, great. If she doesn't want to put a label on it, or if she just considers you guys close friends-- great. If you both go for it, or decide not to-- it's not without deliberation. Just mind each other, and be safe.

Edited by sunny
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I think you should talk to your friend about this. you can use this chart as a template for discussion about what kind of relationship you want.

 

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What I get from this whole thread is communication is key. I'll make sure to talk to her about all this. Thanks everyone for your input! I think it'll go well.

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