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tryingnottomessthisup

I want to ask my aro "wife" to be in a qpr with me but I'm unsure

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Okay so I want to clarify that I'm not aromantic or ace, and I might mess up some things up so feel free to correct me in places or delete this entire post but I wanted to ask aromantic people who will properly understand my "wife" 

I really really like this girl. I met her 2 years ago and we kinda just clicked? We're really close and I wouldn't date her, but I also don't feel comfortable calling her just my friend. We always kind of do these things that aren't super strictly friend things, like I'd never do them with my best friend, but with her they're fine. Shes really affectionate with everyone but it feels different between us? At least for me. She asked me out halfway through last year and I didn't say yes because even though I'm pretty sure I wanted it, it didn't feel right. We'd been calling each other "wife" for a few months at that point(feels weird putting it in quotations, but for claritys sake I will) . I had (and still have!) really intense feelings for her but they were never quite romantic and definitely not sexual. I got into a relationship with someone and hoped the feelings would leave but they never did, but as a result we kind of drifted a little bit. That relationship flopped and we're getting closer again. She came out as aromantic and asexual recently and that lead to me doing a bunch of research on it and discovering what a qpr is and I think I want that with her? But I have no clue if she'd want that, I don't think she feels nearly the same as I do. Plus she's dropping out of school in a few months and has been talking about "divorcing" me and even though it's a silly fake marriage, it actually kinda stings when she says it? And someone in our queer support group at school said "you know she can't really love you right?" when our "marriage" was mentioned and I got really really angry. Like I wanted to go over and yell at them angry. Idk I just love her a lot and I feel like if I ask her she might think I'm just settling for a qpr when I have romantic feelings for her but I don't! I wouldn't be settling because I love her so much sometimes I think I might die and I want to be there for her and make sure she's comfortable and safe for as long as I can. but I don't know if that would be okay for her and that's fine but I just feel uncomfortable feeling so intensely for her and not telling her and can feel myself pulling back, but I'm autistic and have never been good at expressing my feelings so I think she'd misunderstand if I tried to tell her. I don't really want anything to change between us but I want to be able to be able to have a solid way to describe what's between us, but I don't even know if she feels the same anymore . How do I navigate this without seeming insensitive to her or stepping over a line? Is it even okay for me to ask her as someone who still wants romantic relationships with people even if I'd still prioritise her over them? I'm just really confused and don't want to end up hurting her in any way. 

Geez I just realised how long this ended up being, sorry about that folks! 

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Just ask her? You say you want a QPR with her but you’re not sure if she’ll feel the same way. Then... Ask. Say, “Hey, do you want to have a QPR with me?” No one else can answer that question for her, and she can’t answer if you don’t ask, so it’s best to be direct.

Also, something I would like to point out, as an aro myself- I was once in a relationship with someone and we also referred to each other as our “wife” for silly reasons, but eventually I grew to hate this term because it really set off my romance repulsion. Are you sure that’s not the reason why she’s “divorcing” you? Many aros are uncomfortable with romance or romance-coded acts. If she recently came out, she may have been trying to convey this. Ask her what she’s comfortable with and what she isn’t. Remember, just because she claimed to enjoy something while closeted doesn’t necessarily mean she still does.

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You mentioned you're worried about your ability to communicate, but it seems to me that you've expressed yourself pretty well here. This may sound a bit trite, but maybe you could write her a letter? I know people sometimes make a big deal about discussing these things in person, but if you just told her "There's something important I want to talk to you about, but I'm nervous that I'll have a hard time expressing myself or forget everything I want to say, so I wrote it down," to me that would seem really thoughtful. Decide if you want her to read it then or read it in private, or give her the option, depending on what you're comfortable with. Then you can have an in-person conversation following that. 

Otherwise, I agree you should just talk to her about it. It'll be better to know than not know, even if it's scary. You say you're worried about stepping over a line or being insensitive, but nothing about what you've said here sounds that way to me. You sound like you really care deeply about her and have a lot of respect for her. 

Good luck!

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Here's the thing: if you don't communicate these feelings to her or ask her what she thinks about being in a qpp, you'll never know what she thinks about it. And the best way to know what she thinks will be to talk to her about it.

Communicating your feelings and asking a question about if someone wants the same type of relationship as you isn't being pushy or pressuring someone or crossing a line or being inappropriate. It would be pushy to expect that she feel 100% the same as you or bully/harass/coerce/force her into a qpp without sincerely listening and respecting to her answer to your question. It would be inappropriate to tell her how to feel.

But simply communicating how you feel is taking an active part in a healthy relationship that includes open and honest communication. Asking someone to enter into a newly/differently defined stage of the relationship is scary, but it's just a question! Even if she says no, the relationship only has to end if one of you wants it to end. Plenty of people continue friendships after one asks for a romantic relationship and the other says no and the same can be true for qpps. It only depends on if the both of you still want that friendship and are willing to work on it and continue it.

Being in a qpp does not preclude being a romantic relationship, just as being in a romantic relationship doesn't preclude someone from having platonic relationships.

I agree with sajastar that you did a great job of communicating your feelings here!

This is scary, but I think you can do a great job doing it. Good luck!

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From what you just said, I think you should talk with her so both can be on the same page. I don't think you are stepping out of line from what you wrote, you conveyed the message clear enough for more than one person to understand you ^^. 

On 3/30/2020 at 12:20 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

Ask her what she’s comfortable with and what she isn’t. Remember, just because she claimed to enjoy something while closeted doesn’t necessarily mean she still does.

^ This is so important. I am completely different between my close friends and the rest of the world. From the outside, people describe me as funny, driven, high self esteem, super intelligent, romantic. But those who I truly let know the real me know that I am insecure, vulnerable, that i am indeed aro and my self esteem is lower than a amoeba. If she told you that she is aro ace then that opens the door to ask what things she is comfortable and what things she isn't. 

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I know this is late, but seconding everyone else who said you should just talk to her. It seems like you have a really clear idea of what you want, actually, and the best way to find out if you're on the same page is to ask. But if that seems scary, you could also start with something like this: 

--Raphael

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5 hours ago, Raphael said:

I know this is late, but seconding everyone else who said you should just talk to her. It seems like you have a really clear idea of what you want, actually, and the best way to find out if you're on the same page is to ask. But if that seems scary, you could also start with something like this: 

--Raphael

This is the most wholesome thing I have ever seen. I am going to use it in the future because it is both informative and everyone is crystal clear.

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16 hours ago, Blake said:

This is the most wholesome thing I have ever seen.

Isn't it just adorable? It popped up on my Twitter timeline during aro week and I almost died of cute. I love it so much.

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16 hours ago, Raphael said:

Isn't it just adorable? It popped up on my Twitter timeline during aro week and I almost died of cute. I love it so much.

I feel you 100%. If I where out, I would post it on my fb, just cuz that way I would get a chance to meet peep who actually got it. Buuut then I would be out to all my fam as well, which is not exactly what I want. (So awesome tho)

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