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I think I may be experiencing internalized biphobia

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I don't know exactly where to start this so I'll just go. 

 

I believe I'm experiencing internalized biphobia due to a history of being slut shamed regardless of my lack of sexual activity. That was an idea a friend in a server had and I guess I wanted to share and vent my frustrations a little.

 

My mother has been known to sex shame, I remember this once being directed at me when I was 14- telling me I looked like a sex worker (this is in kinder words than what she really said) in a costume I was wearing. Specifically it was about the thigh high socks with the colorful lacing on them, which covered more than they showed. I was a budding goth tween, and wanted to look like my goth teenage sibling. My sibling dressed like that and seemed to have fun, so why should I have expected her to say that? I thought it was cute, and it was, because I was a kid. Developing body aside, I really was a kid and I have no idea where she got it in her to say something like that. Along with that, while I don't think this part was implicit, she refused to let me shave. These things together caused me to cover up to avoid the bullying from home and school alike. I did this for years and only recently at age 19 have I come out of this self imposed shell.

 

Recently she asked me what aromantic meant. She is demisexual, and in her own words also sapiosexual (I could go on for a day and a half about how much I hate this word, but lets not open that can of worms tonight). So when she asked, I had first assumed it was in good faith. What instead happened was she scoffed at my explanation and then asked if that meant all aromantic were sluts, then. My pain at hearing that aside, in this conversation she'd learned I was aro. She didn't choose to retract this statement, she didn't choose to simply not say that.

 

Once I had a friend pressuring me to date and hook up with him. Long story short, we met up at his place under false pretenses and he continued to pressure me. I argued with him, at which point his mother came home. I went to leave, and she began yelling as soon as she saw me, blaming me for being there and calling me a harlot. Which.. another painful experience even if the use of harlot made me laugh a little.

 

I'm sure that my experiences overhearing slut shaming did not help either.

 

I used to think I was aroace. and I felt like I was broken. But even then, at least I wasn't filthy, right? And then I started actually growing into my own sexuality without being informed by what others wanted for me and that fell apart real fast.

 

Now I feel wrong telling my sibling that I was wrong about my being aroace. I feel dirty. I feel like my bisexuality proves these people right. Especially given the fact that I fit the stereotype of bisexuality just being aro, not making romantic connections. Sometimes I really want to stop using the sam model and just be aro to avoid this.

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From one bi aro to another, I'm really sorry you had to experience that. I've had similar experiences, though not quite to this degree. My mom eventually came around; I can only hope yours does too.

I don't really have a ton of advice, but I can at least say that you're not alone. If you ever need to talk, I'm open. (You're also welcome to add me on Discord or Tumblr if you prefer.) Good luck, stay strong ❤️💜💙

 

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People need to stop thinking that bisexuals just go along with anyone. Nobody will just go with anyone, not even animals do.

I think that bisexuality is very 'noble' because you can in a way see the beauty/sexual appeal of persons from different genders. Almost spiritual. (Sapios should understand the appeal of the personality above the flesh considerations.)

You are valid, specially not a slut and should not feel that way. I'm very sad that you had to experience this.

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I'm so sorry for how you've been treated, Korbin! That's awful. < / 3

You didn't do anything wrong exploring and discovering your identity. You didn't do anything wrong in changing your labels.

I hope you know that people who treat you that way haven't earned a place in your life. It's okay to take space from people like that. It's okay to not share everything about yourself with people like that. It's okay to keep people like that at arm's length. It's okay to do what you need to protect yourself and your mental health and your physical safety.

And most of all, it is okay to be you and experience your sexuality how you experience it.

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On 3/28/2020 at 12:07 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

From one bi aro to another, I'm really sorry you had to experience that. I've had similar experiences, though not quite to this degree. My mom eventually came around; I can only hope yours does too.

I don't really have a ton of advice, but I can at least say that you're not alone. If you ever need to talk, I'm open. (You're also welcome to add me on Discord or Tumblr if you prefer.) Good luck, stay strong ❤️💜💙

 

 

On 3/28/2020 at 1:39 PM, Ch0c0 said:

People need to stop thinking that bisexuals just go along with anyone. Nobody will just go with anyone, not even animals do.

I think that bisexuality is very 'noble' because you can in a way see the beauty/sexual appeal of persons from different genders. Almost spiritual. (Sapios should understand the appeal of the personality above the flesh considerations.)

You are valid, specially not a slut and should not feel that way. I'm very sad that you had to experience this.

 

On 3/28/2020 at 3:25 PM, horriblegoose said:

I'm so sorry for how you've been treated, Korbin! That's awful. < / 3

You didn't do anything wrong exploring and discovering your identity. You didn't do anything wrong in changing your labels.

I hope you know that people who treat you that way haven't earned a place in your life. It's okay to take space from people like that. It's okay to not share everything about yourself with people like that. It's okay to keep people like that at arm's length. It's okay to do what you need to protect yourself and your mental health and your physical safety.

And most of all, it is okay to be you and experience your sexuality how you experience it.

 

Quick response to all of these. I've been really stressed due to a bunch of different factors, and its getting to the point that I need to stop with some of my hobbies which sucks but it's unrelated. Point being I have no energy and I'm sorry I left all this untouched for days. I'm grateful for all these words of support, it means a lot and reading them the first time made me feel so much better!!

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First of all, I am sorry that you had this experience. Family can be super toxic, since they know only some information about you, and assume the rest. I wish that your mom gets around, but never think you are not valid, nor your fake just by chaning labels. A label is something that is used to better help yourself and others have a north to understand something, it is by no means something written in stone. Live your life, it is yours to decide, do not let anyone slut shame you, or -shame you of anything. If you need a vent, you can always message me. 

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On 4/6/2020 at 5:26 PM, Blake said:

First of all, I am sorry that you had this experience. Family can be super toxic, since they know only some information about you, and assume the rest. I wish that your mom gets around, but never think you are not valid, nor your fake just by chaning labels. A label is something that is used to better help yourself and others have a north to understand something, it is by no means something written in stone. Live your life, it is yours to decide, do not let anyone slut shame you, or -shame you of anything. If you need a vent, you can always message me. 

Thank you. I appreciate this comment a lot- sorry it's been a whole month before a response, but I'll keep all this in mind.

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Your mom is demisexual and did that to you? That's massively messed up. I'm new to the aro community and it makes me really sad to see the conflicts happening with aces. I really hope that she'll come around to accept you because that's just totally unacceptable.

I'm a lesbian, but as someone who used to ID as bi and pan, I know how to feels to be slut shamed. In fact, even if I am a lesbian I don't think I'll ever stop being slut shamed. Not only because I just realized that I'm also aro, but because I'm polyamorous too. My parents especially made me feel very miserable for being the stereotypical polyamorous queer. (Even tho sex was always so hard to access)

Being queer overall leads to a lot of sex shaming, that we're all perverted deviants. It's something that a lot of us unfortunately can't escape. I wouldn't blame you for having internalized biphobia for this, your bisexuality is valid and you have the right to own your sexual autonamy. You are also free to present yourself however you like! Altho if it feels unsafe doing it around your mom and other family, you can always look into safe spaces where people won't judge you for something like that.

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