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Cassiopeia

Alloromatic people in a QPR?

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So, I guess it would be easier if everyone around us was aro, but obviously that is not the case.

 

Technically they can be in a QPR, but how well would it work out if their partner was aro? I know, there are some examples, but I would like to know if any of you have personal experiences or thoughts on the matter?

 

Do you think such a relationship could work well for both parties? Would an alloromantic person even want a QPR as their primary relationship? Do you think honest communication is enough or some arrangements are just doomed from the start? Is it possible to have both of their needs met, or are some compromises and sacrifices necessary?

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I can't speak for alloromantic persons, but as a grey-romantic I definitely always had this kind of desire in me, while I never had an intrinsic desire for romance despite experiencing romantic attraction (although I experience it quite rarely) so if it's possible to experience both romance and desire for 100% platonic relationships that is just as strong or stronger (and it does exist for me), why not for very romantic persons too ? It's technically possible, so if it is, there's no reason that romantic people can't experience it.

The question is : how common (or rare) is it ?

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To be honest with there being over 7 billion humans alive, as well as everyone who came before and everyone who has yet been born, no matter what shaped box you make and what lables you put on it there will be people who fit in it.

 

On a less philosophical note, I've seen stories of alloromantics being life partners with friends. Also not everyone who gets married and the like actually sees their romantic partner as their primary relationship. So on that side of things I don't really see a problem, depending on the person. Also since not all aro people are interested in QPRs I don't see why all allos would exclude themselves from them.

 

I don't know if I've really added anything useful to the conversation there xD

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i totally get it working for somebody else and i don't want to interfere with somebody else's relationship like that but....i would jsut be So Uncomfortable being in a qpr with a romo person tbch like i would constantly be anxious that they would leave me for a romantic partner or start seeing me in a romantic way and i dont know how i would be able to handle that? i have delicate feelings :/ but also idk?? i dont know a thing my dudes

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I'm sceptical on being with an allo. The last time I was in something that seamed like a qpr it didn't go well because he prioritized someone romantic over me. The second time I had a squish and considered if we could be in a qpr he also felt like our feelings were too confusing and preferred his romantic relationship.

 

I only had bad experience with allows who either expected/hoped I would turn romo for them or they gave up on me to be with someone romantic. It sucks a lot cause most of the population is romantic. I won't say it's impossible and if I had more language back then to talk about such things as qpr it may sure also had helped. However even so with things going well I would still be worried I wasn't enough and they would just give up on me.

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Personally, I'm in a QPR with an allo girl! She identified as aro-spec for a while because her desire for strong friendships is just as strong for her as her desire for romance, but she eventually realized she's allo. Since she has a strong desire for friendships, it works out well for both of us. It's hard, sometimes, because I sometimes get jealous of her girlfriend because I'm afraid she loves her more than she loves me, but when that happens I try to just talk things out with her and we can usually work something out. We have to compromise sometimes, yes, because all relationships do (she watched Hamilton with me even though she doesn't like musicals! ;)) but it's definitely possible. However, I think that QPRs with most allo people are doomed from the start--from what I've seen, my QPP is more the exception than the rule, and the majority of allo people aren't willing to have and maintain a nonromantic relationship as their primary relationship, especially if they also have a romantic relationship; romantic relationships tend to be prioritized over platonic ones almost by default by the majority of allo people. However, I say "majority" because it's not true for all of them--and it is absolutely possible, in my opinion, to have QPRs with the minority (or even with some members of the majority, as long as there's clear communication about what everyone involved wants and needs out of the relationship, and a willingness of both to compromise; the main thing obstacle the 'majority' of allos from QPRs is not their ability, but their desire to even have one, so as long as they wanted it I'd imagine that it could be worked out with their partner).

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I think as people get older and go through more experiences, especially bad ones, they adjust their outlook in ways that can accommodate QPR kind of relationships. For example, if a romantic person is married for 20 years and goes through a devastating divorce, she might adapt to her new life better by living with a friend or relative, and if that works out really well she may not need a romantic partner to feel fulfilled. (I know relatives aren't really QPRs, but they're essentially the same if you agree to function as a single household.) This has happened to a couple people I know, who have taken a more casual approach to dating after their divorce because they want to keep their QPR as their primary relationship.

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On 16/05/2016 at 8:41 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Do you think such a relationship could work well for both parties? Would an alloromantic person even want a QPR as their primary relationship? Do you think honest communication is enough or some arrangements are just doomed from the start? Is it possible to have both of their needs met, or are some compromises and sacrifices necessary?

 

Not everyone wants a "primary relationship" in the first place. Things such as hierarchy (even exclusivity) can be far less of an issue within a QPR too.

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5 hours ago, Mark said:

 

Not everyone wants a "primary relationship" in the first place. Things such as hierarchy (even exclusivity) can be far less of an issue within a QPR too.

 

Well for example, I'm one of those people who are less than sure if they want or would be able to cope with one primary prioritized relationship. xD

But some aro people might want that, so I guess for them that question is quite relevant.

And I guess some people in the aro community don't even want any relationship, and that's also a valid choice, but I'm still also interested to hear their thoughts on the matter.

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I think it would be a challenge to have a QPR with an allo person, but like with any type of relationship it really depends on the person. My best friend and I are basically in a QPR and there's no danger of her falling for me or anything like that, and we have an understanding that her boyfriend is important and I'm also important and one is not necessarily prioritized over the other. In the future I would be interested in a long term sexual friendship/partnership, but I feel like that kind of QPR would be trickier with a romo person. I dunno.

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I think a QPR with an alloromantic who need the feelings returned will always fail, I don't know how far the need for reciprocation goes but surely there are allos who don't need their feelings returned on exactly the same wavelength. 

Personally if I had a QPP who was allo it might freak me out a bit if they were romantically attracted to me, and if they weren't I would worry that they would dump me on the sidelines when they felt it for someone else. Maybe if it was a poly, then I wouldn't be expected to be everything for someone else. A polygamy-QPR might work. 

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8 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I think a QPR with an alloromantic who need the feelings returned will always fail, I don't know how far the need for reciprocation goes but surely there are allos who don't need their feelings returned on exactly the same wavelength.

I suspect that alloromantiics who require romance are not that common.
Otherwise we wouldn't have got through thousands of years of history without romance...

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I'm in a QPR with an alloromantic person and it's going fine. Communication is key, of course, but I think that's par for the course in all healthy relationships. They ID'd as a-spec for a while so they were familiar with the idea of QPRs without me having to explain it to them, and after a while our friendship got to the point where we both realized that yeah, what we had could probably be called a QPR. We make it work, but that might be because they've told me that they feel like they don't need to go have a romantic relationship with someone else to be happy. I'm not scared that they'll leave me for a girlfriend, and while it's not perfect because we're both humans with issues, we make each other happy and I think that's what relationships are about.

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