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mythlady

Questioning, need advice...

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I figured I better get this off my chest now before the forum possibly shuts down...

 

I've been questioning for a while now, and am wondering if I'm on the aro spectrum. Some stuff that made me wonder about the possibility:

- While doing a school project about my future, I never mentioned a boyfriend or husband, no romantic partner at all in fact

- I think I only tried dating because I thought it was something I was "supposed" to do

- I don't want to get married/have children (being tied to someone sounds like a total nightmare)

- I don't think about romance/dating

- I actually got disgusted at myself for becoming infatuated with a guy (I know I'm not attracted to women, so...)

- I could never consume any media with romance as the main plot without being bored/frustrated

- I found myself searching "what does it mean if you're not interested in romance" online some years ago (It's how I found this place)

 

Now for the part that has me confused: I got burned the one time I tried dating and my parents' marriage isn't the healthiest, so that could count against the possibility.

 

Anyway, I would be grateful for any advice from anyone reading this, thank you in advance.

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I think it's good to be aware of how certain experiences may be shaping us, but I also don't think you need to get too caught up in the fact that those experiences may have shaped us to the point where you try to talk yourself out of your feelings or invalidate your feelings.

 

So, maybe the relationship your parents modeled for you and the time you tried dating did impact how you feel. ... So? The question is: do you want to change any of the ways you feel about dating and romance and marriage?

 

If you're comfortable and satisfied with not wanting to date or get married, then why try and change that just because you've had bad experiences of how relationships were modeled to you? Correlation or causation - you may never really be able to work that out, but does it really matter? I don't think so.

 

What it comes down to: do you want to ID as aromantic (spec)? Would it help you to do so? Then do it!!!

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First of all, if you feel that you belong in the aro-spec, then you are more than welcome to label yourself with it. Only you know what is happening inside your head.

Now, saying that, let me tell you something that happened to me that may help you have better knowledge of you. I got myself in a relationship some years ago for the wrong reasons. I did not knew about ace nor aro. I felt really bad because, what society and tv told me that a relationship was supposed to be was not being my case. I could not reciprocate the feelings that my partner was giving me because i did not felt them. I understand now that what I wanted at that moment was a qpp. I now know what that is. I wanted someone that i could talk to without feeling the overwhelming pressure that each time we saw each other we had to hold hands, or kiss, or make out. Or that we had to date at least once per month, or each night the we where together we had to automatically have sex.

Those things caused me to feel broken, because I could not always fulfill my partners desires without draining me inside. At the end I broke up the relationship because i understood that they would be able to fulfill they desires of a relationship with someone else. My moral of the story is to ask yourself what you want and talk with the other(s) person(s) if they agree to your terms and you with they. As long as you are happy all will be good.

Ps. You can be allo aro or ace aro, both are valid, hope I could help you. And the marriage of your parents can help you understand what you want and not want for you in a relationship. Use all the experiences that you can to better understand yourself.

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