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Holmbo

How to put your roots down as an aro?

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I'm feeling a bit adrift at the moment. Maybe you fellow aros can help me. Sorry if it's coming of as a bit of a rant. Feel free to comment about relating experiences, it doesn't have to be about my own personal musings.

Ever since I moved away from my parents home, ten years ago, I've lived this kind of temporary life where everything I did was somewhat fleeting. Whatever I did it was always in my mind that it wouldn't last, college, the places I lived, my first job, my second job. I was always looking forward, feeling like the present was a preparation, a saving up for the future where my ideal life could begin. That's not to say I've not been happy. I've mostly enjoyed myself and I feel proud about how much I've accomplished. But now, when I'm close to thirty, I feel like I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to feel like I'm settled. For most people this would correspond to finding a partner and having kids, but I don't want either.

 

When I try to imagine my ideal living situation it's some sort of communal living with a group of people. Preferably with a mission of some kind to promote community building and sustainability. But it's not like such a group is readily available. I've been trying to connect to different organizations to find like minded people but it's hard to know how to seek people out for such a big thing. I also feel like I'm afraid of actually trying to make such a thing happen for real. Because when it's in your mind it can be perfect.

 

Does anyone struggle with similar feelings, wanting to settle down but being unsure about how?

 

 

 

 

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I understand that, like, we've been told all our lives that the ultimate goal is marriage and kids, which I do not want. So, how do either of us proceed? I'm thinking of having like a close friend that I can live with but that also wont leave me for a romantic partner. Thats hard to find though.

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I would enjoy a certain level of communal living too. It is nice to have a common cause to work on.

It doesn't hurt to expand your network to find such groups. At least you are more free to embrace the kind of life that you want than if you had kids.

Now I'd probably need to follow my own advice too once more 🙂. Until now most initiatives I joined died out because of family limitations of the other participants.

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I basically put down roots by joining organizations, and being active in them. I organize weekly board game nights, and am active in most of the other activities I do... 

Not having kids means I have more time and energy for such things...

It DOES mean that the people I interact with tend to be significantly younger than me... (30-ish vs 47) but I've become the fixed point... 

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9 hours ago, AllTimeBubble said:

I understand that, like, we've been told all our lives that the ultimate goal is marriage and kids, which I do not want. So, how do either of us proceed? I'm thinking of having like a close friend that I can live with but that also wont leave me for a romantic partner. Thats hard to find though.

I want the same thing but it is hard to find. Probably another aromantic person or at least someone for whom romance isn't a high priority would be the best option.

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11 hours ago, DavidMS703 said:

I want the same thing but it is hard to find. Probably another aromantic person or at least someone for whom romance isn't a high priority would be the best option.

Yeah, thats what I'm thinking too! Its so hard to find, especially since aromanticism is quite the underground romantic identity.

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12 hours ago, AllTimeBubble said:

Yeah, thats what I'm thinking too! Its so hard to find, especially since aromanticism is quite the underground romantic identity.

I feel the same way. I actually have someone in my life who seems perfect in most ways and might be open to the type of relationship I'm looking for, though she hasn't figured out her future relationship goals and isn't focusing on them right now so I can't be sure at this point what exactly is going to happen with her.

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15 hours ago, DavidMS703 said:

I feel the same way. I actually have someone in my life who seems perfect in most ways and might be open to the type of relationship I'm looking for, though she hasn't figured out her future relationship goals and isn't focusing on them right now so I can't be sure at this point what exactly is going to happen with her.

Awh, that's still good! It just depends what happens with her and what she wants in the future

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On 3/2/2020 at 8:38 PM, LBMango said:

I basically put down roots by joining organizations, and being active in them. I organize weekly board game nights, and am active in most of the other activities I do... 

Not having kids means I have more time and energy for such things.... 


Yeah I think I'm on a similar track. I've joined some different groups but I think should also try initiating some activities myself as well.

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i'm nearing the end of my college career now, and as i'm trying to figure out what comes next, this is the problem i am facing. i have great friends here, but because we'll likely go our separate ways some day, i can't help but dwell on the fact that every phase of life is fleeting.

 

the first step is deciding what you want from the rest of your life. the second step is figuring out how to achieve it. i don't even have the first one figured out yet.

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On 3/16/2020 at 5:08 AM, techno-trashcan said:

the first step is deciding what you want from the rest of your life. the second step is figuring out how to achieve it. i don't even have the first one figured out yet.

I don't think you have to choose for the rest of your life. You can always change your mind. And sometimes life might change it for you.

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I feel very similarly, even though I am just beginning college. I have no idea how I will ever settle down when my ideal life would involve some sort of platonic communal living situation (also I think I do want kids and I have no idea how the script to a "would you want to ever raise kids with a group of friends" conversation would go). I would love to find an in-person aromantic group or other organizations that interest me, but I currently live in a small town. Hopefully the prospects will get better when I move to a larger city next year.

I've been reading the Terra Ignota series where the default family unit is a sort of communal/found family thing and I have such mixed feelings about it because that's what I want and it's lovely seeing that but also--sometimes it makes me feel like I have no real future because the future I want is limited to social sci-fi series set in the 25th century. There are just ... barely any narratives for people like us, models for us to follow.

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12 hours ago, kernsing said:

I've been reading the Terra Ignota series where the default family unit is a sort of communal/found family thing and I have such mixed feelings about it because that's what I want and it's lovely seeing that but also--sometimes it makes me feel like I have no real future because the future I want is limited to social sci-fi series set in the 25th century. There are just ... barely any narratives for people like us, models for us to follow.

Sounds interesting! I'll have to check it out. I know what you mean about wishing for something that's not really done. But I feel like now might be the time for it. We're living in interesting times after all. I keep thinking there must be some way to create synergy from all this different problems floating around: loneliness, gender inequality, the environment... That somehow there's a way of living that can solve them all.

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Posted (edited)

I found my label pretty young, as I'm still in high school, but I have these concerns as well. My friend and I plan on living together after highschool if possible, such as rooming together in college etc, but I don't know what will come after that. My dream is to have a friend I live with who will help raise some pets and hopefully a child, because I still do love kids despite my orientation. It's hard since society says we've succeeded when we we're married, have a house, and family to figure out when we've, as Aros, "succeeded"

Edited by AroThroughMyHeart
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I know that for the last few years there seems to have been more of a push to form small communities, some of it is a push against climate change some is from the growing of permaculture as a way of life and sustainability being more present in people's minds. There have been planned self build/sustainable communities springing up all over the world. My personal choice for laying down roots is to work myself into a career that I can work from home then move to a very small town. Yes I know I will always be a 'new comer' to the locals but the sense of familiarity is so much more in a small town than anywhere else. However who knows what is going to happen now? I cannot even predict how these next few months will change the future for everyone.  

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Posted (edited)
On 4/7/2020 at 5:28 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

I know that for the last few years there seems to have been more of a push to form small communities, some of it is a push against climate change some is from the growing of permaculture as a way of life and sustainability being more present in people's minds. There have been planned self build/sustainable communities springing up all over the world. My personal choice for laying down roots is to work myself into a career that I can work from home then move to a very small town. Yes I know I will always be a 'new comer' to the locals but the sense of familiarity is so much more in a small town than anywhere else. However who knows what is going to happen now? I cannot even predict how these next few months will change the future for everyone

Yeah I also see this trend and somewhat feel it myself. I've recently started to get involved more in activities and groups related to the transition movement. The work to shift from globalization to more focus on local comunities and self reliance. I think Corona virus will only increase interest in these things so you'll likely to find likeminded people for your way of living I think. Do you know what kind of career you want to pursue?

I grew up in the suburbs of Stockholm but currently live in Nyköping, don't know if it constitues as a small town or not, we Swedes don't use that categorization. I like it overall but sometimes I feel lonely. Most people here are partnered and with kids and don't really give time or attention to much else. The transition community is interesting but I've felt my atention split between it and with other acitivities going on in Stockholm. I think my long term plan is to move back there but keep some of my link to Nyköping still.

Edited by Holmbo

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On 4/26/2020 at 6:13 AM, Holmbo said:

Do you know what kind of career you want to pursue?

I've never had a solid clue to what I want to do. I tend to fall into things and I stay with stuff while it is interesting. I'm not professionally ambitious in any way, if I had been I doubt I would have figured out I was aromantic! The easy choice would be to go to the country town my family comes from because there are the social connections that can lead to odd jobs if no work at home job is sustainable. 

On 4/26/2020 at 6:13 AM, Holmbo said:

Most people here are partnered and with kids and don't really give time or attention to much else.

That is definitely one of my concerns, with smaller community sizes the importance on children is generally greater because children make work for people who live in the town and symbolically give the town a future population.

If only a billionaire would buy up the assets at Leigh Creek and make it an aromantic work at home community oasis!

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On 4/7/2020 at 5:28 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

My personal choice for laying down roots is to work myself into a career that I can work from home then move to a very small town.

If just the mangers wouldn't suddenly be so suspicious...
Because of Corona I now feel like a very overworked hikikomori.

At least I can sleep longer, because no commuting.

19 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I'm not professionally ambitious in any way, if I had been I doubt I would have figured out I was aromantic!

yeah, well... In professionally very ambitious people I sometimes notice a strange contrast between their intelligence and their shallowness. 😃

19 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I've never had a solid clue to what I want to do. I tend to fall into things and I stay with stuff while it is interesting

I can't complain about interesting new projects. But at some point you start to pine after specialization. After all, it's not just for insects. Human malemployment is possible, too! I know it!

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@DeltaV COVID 19 has changed so much so fast. The real guessing game starts now though, will everything eventually return to how it was? or will a new order to work/life structure prevail? 

I'm just wondering how many people decide to flee to the country seeing as the news keeps interviewing virus experts who seem to live in tiny villages far away from any major population centres. I'm fairly sure there are still some towns offering $1 a week rents to save their small communities, and that has got to be tempting....though they prioritise families with kids because that means students to local schools, us single childless people get sidelined once again! 

I find that I can't really get along with many professionally ambitious people because it seems like we speak a different language most of the time...................though it may also be the fact that I resent people asking me what I do as the 2nd or 3rd question after an introduction so I say something along the lines of "I am bettering myself as a person and strive for inner calm and oneness with the universe". I guess I'll never put down roots in that sphere of society!

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