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DogObsessedLianne

Lithromantic discussion

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I decided to see if we could start a lithromantic / akoiromantic / aproromantic discussion. I've just had an epiphany and have realised that I'm lithromantic - the attraction fizzles out when I'm in a relationship (when partners start reciprocating it by being romantic with me, which always makes me go cold in terms of attraction). It's not them saying "I love you", but the whole body language when they become romantic with me. It's highly frustrating. I'm fed up of my relationships going pear-shaped. I can crush on a celebrity for years or someone who doesn't reciprocate back, but once I'm in a relationship I tend to want out fairly quickly. I'm lucky to get a few months. Usually I end up alternating between women and men because I've always misread the lack of attraction. An ex has just come back in my life (not as a partner as yet), but I'm scared I'll hurt him all over again, I don't want to hurt anyone and definitely not a good 'un like him. I suppose with awareness comes mindfulness about how I then function in such relationships, helping me to have choice about how I then respond in a relationship (unlike being unaware and on autopilot that is). Are there any other lithromantics on here who could tell me their story and how they approach being lithromantic especially in relation to relationships (or have you given it

up as a futile attempt?) Can we get a lithromantic chat going? It's like I theoretically am attracted romantically to some people, but in practice it is just stressful and nauseating and I feel like I need to run a mile. It's not that I'm scared of commitment because I actually value commitment in terms of loyal and trustworthy friendships. 

Thanks. 

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It's an interesting topic this.

 

When I was first learning about aro identities a few years back, I really resonated with some of the descriptions of lithromantic I read at the time. I'd fantasised about getting into romantic relationships in the past, but found it had never gone beyond that. Fantasising. Apparently I lacked motivation to take things further than that.

 

My experience as a heterosexual man has been that if I don't actively pursue romantic relationships with women and seek to initiate them from my side then they won't happen. I won't have those experiences. I sometimes wonder how things might be different if I were gay or bi. I suspect I would have experienced romantic relationships by now as a result of being 'seduced' (and thinking 'why not try going along with this?'; which I think is easier than having to initiate it youself) and would have felt similarly uncomfortable to you, as partners tried to get romantically closer. But it's hard to say for sure without the direct experience.

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I would be glad to share some of my experiences about being lithromanitc. It sucks sometimes. I've lost friends because of it but to the fact that most of these friendships were made in college and i figured out who my central group of friends are and the fact some of them graduated so I never have to see them again helps. I figured out the aro/lithro thing about a month or so ago. It's good to know that I can put a name to it and that I am not alone nor broken. I am who I am and everyone else can shove it. Dating and romance are not for me. I love my family and my friends. But I will not love anyone romantically and that't fine by me. 

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A few years ago, I was introduced to the term "lithromantic" and I thought, "Yeah, that fits."  But since I thought, at the time, that I wanted to be in a romantic relationship, or that I had to be because of the type of relationship that I do want, I didn't really look into it any further. Since learning that the type of relationship that I actually want exists (queer platonic), I've revisited the idea. I'd actually tried to explain the way I "crush" on people back in college, before I'd even heard of being lithromantic. I just called it having a "movie star crush." Like you said, I can crush on someone for years as long as there's no danger of it actually going beyond that.

As far as relationships go, I can't really help you there. Sorry. I've only ever been on two dates in my whole life. The first one I didn't even consider a date until he said it was explicitly. Other than that, no one has ever liked me. :( Sad, but at the same time, I could never actually imagine myself dating anyone anyway. For me, it's just a mess. Haha.

Maybe look more into queer platonic relationships? That might help you a bit more than pursuing romance and then not liking it.

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I get it, to all the comments above. It's tough. I personally hate being lithromantic because I wanyed romance and the relationships and all the things you see in movies or read in books. It's just something I've always looked forward to but have to come to realize I'll never have. I love flirting and developing crushes but when they start to reciprocate, my feelings just dwindle down to nothing and I dont see them the same. I'm personally probably asexual so I dont really ever want that either. So it's difficult even trying for romantic relationships. 

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