Lithromantic discussion

[DogObsessedLi]

I decided to see if we could start a lithromantic / akoiromantic / aproromantic discussion. I've just had an epiphany and have realised that I'm lithromantic - the attraction fizzles out when I'm in a relationship (when partners start reciprocating it by being romantic with me, which always makes me go cold in terms of attraction). It's not them saying "I love you", but the whole body language when they become romantic with me. It's highly frustrating. I'm fed up of my relationships going pear-shaped. I can crush on a celebrity for years or someone who doesn't reciprocate back, but once I'm in a relationship I tend to want out fairly quickly. I'm lucky to get a few months. Usually I end up alternating between women and men because I've always misread the lack of attraction. An ex has just come back in my life (not as a partner as yet), but I'm scared I'll hurt him all over again, I don't want to hurt anyone and definitely not a good 'un like him. I suppose with awareness comes mindfulness about how I then function in such relationships, helping me to have choice about how I then respond in a relationship (unlike being unaware and on autopilot that is). Are there any other lithromantics on here who could tell me their story and how they approach being lithromantic especially in relation to relationships (or have you given it

up as a futile attempt?) Can we get a lithromantic chat going? It's like I theoretically am attracted romantically to some people, but in practice it is just stressful and nauseating and I feel like I need to run a mile. It's not that I'm scared of commitment because I actually value commitment in terms of loyal and trustworthy friendships. 

Thanks. 

[NullVector]

It's an interesting topic this.

 

When I was first learning about aro identities a few years back, I really resonated with some of the descriptions of lithromantic I read at the time. I'd fantasised about getting into romantic relationships in the past, but found it had never gone beyond that. Fantasising. Apparently I lacked motivation to take things further than that.

 

My experience as a heterosexual man has been that if I don't actively pursue romantic relationships with women and seek to initiate them from my side then they won't happen. I won't have those experiences. I sometimes wonder how things might be different if I were gay or bi. I suspect I would have experienced romantic relationships by now as a result of being 'seduced' (and thinking 'why not try going along with this?'; which I think is easier than having to initiate it youself) and would have felt similarly uncomfortable to you, as partners tried to get romantically closer. But it's hard to say for sure without the direct experience.

[Atlamillia Pixie]

I would be glad to share some of my experiences about being lithromanitc. It sucks sometimes. I've lost friends because of it but to the fact that most of these friendships were made in college and i figured out who my central group of friends are and the fact some of them graduated so I never have to see them again helps. I figured out the aro/lithro thing about a month or so ago. It's good to know that I can put a name to it and that I am not alone nor broken. I am who I am and everyone else can shove it. Dating and romance are not for me. I love my family and my friends. But I will not love anyone romantically and that't fine by me. 

[Mrs. Nightwing]

A few years ago, I was introduced to the term "lithromantic" and I thought, "Yeah, that fits."  But since I thought, at the time, that I wanted to be in a romantic relationship, or that I had to be because of the type of relationship that I do want, I didn't really look into it any further. Since learning that the type of relationship that I actually want exists (queer platonic), I've revisited the idea. I'd actually tried to explain the way I "crush" on people back in college, before I'd even heard of being lithromantic. I just called it having a "movie star crush." Like you said, I can crush on someone for years as long as there's no danger of it actually going beyond that.

As far as relationships go, I can't really help you there. Sorry. I've only ever been on two dates in my whole life. The first one I didn't even consider a date until he said it was explicitly. Other than that, no one has ever liked me. :( Sad, but at the same time, I could never actually imagine myself dating anyone anyway. For me, it's just a mess. Haha.

Maybe look more into queer platonic relationships? That might help you a bit more than pursuing romance and then not liking it.

[Sleepysloth1234]

I get it, to all the comments above. It's tough. I personally hate being lithromantic because I wanyed romance and the relationships and all the things you see in movies or read in books. It's just something I've always looked forward to but have to come to realize I'll never have. I love flirting and developing crushes but when they start to reciprocate, my feelings just dwindle down to nothing and I dont see them the same. I'm personally probably asexual so I dont really ever want that either. So it's difficult even trying for romantic relationships. 

[hermi1e]

Idk if this thred is ded, but hi, hello, I'm also questioning as lithro.  When I first started questioning, I did the appropriate Gen Z thing and scoured the internet for memes about the identity. And I think that the memes about lithromanticism say a lot:

 

1. The identity is underrepresented as shit. I get that it's a tiny minority, but for real. There are like 3 lithromantic memes on the internet, and two of them are comics. Come on people, we can do better than that lol

2. We're aware of the underrepresentation. This is clear, i think, bc half the memes are just explanations of the identity. I feel like the creators are either venting their self-discovery story (i think that finding ur identity feels more special when the identity is little-known, because it's more surprising or can take longer to discover it), educating questioning lithros (because it might be the only way baby-lithros ever learn their identity), or educating non-lithros to spread understanding (because there's not much understanding, obv). Educating others is great, telling ur self-discovery story is great. This is all great. It just makes me sad that we have to focus so so much on explaining and justifying ourselves and grasping at visibility. I'd love if we could make some content for ourselves. (I know there are some great lithro memes like this. I just wish there were more.)

3. We hate being lithromantic. This one is the worst, i think. I personally hoped for memes that displayed pride, and showed that a lithromantic could live a happy life. Instead, i found #lithromanticproblems. And guess what. The problem most lithros have with being lithro is being lithro. "That moment when your attraction fades lol." Idk, it makes me sad. Yes, it can suck to be lithro. But what if all the memes about lesbians were "That awful moment when you're a woman attracted to women lol?" Like, no. That seems like internalized homophobia and shame, not pride. I get that it's good to talk about the disappointment, but I'd also like to talk about how great it is to be lithro.

Such as....

- We don't have to deal with the complications of actually being in a relationship.

- Once we acknowledge that romance isn't in the cards for us, there's no pressure for us to pursue it. 

- We can focus mostly on other relationships, like friendships (this applies to a lot of the aro/ace community, i think).

- We still get the dopamine-inducing experience of having crushes. Legit, just having a crush can reduce stress and increase self-esteem.

- We can find ways to fulfill our own needs without romance, which some alloromantic people never learn how to do. We learn that romance isn't goin to make our lives perfect, and we can live fantastic lives without it. 

 

Basically what I'm saying is, can we make some memes about that stuff? ?  Ok thank you for listening to my meme ramble, byeeeee 

 

 

Edited August 5, 2020 by hermi1e

[Sleepysloth1234]

I completely understand, its rough on most lithromantics. I usually end up dating people I was friends with first and I'm lucky the romantic relationship lasts more than a couple weeks. I hate how it always ends up because once again, they were friends before. I can like someone romantically for months, but when they finally reciprocate, the feelings dwindle down to nothing but annoyance and being uncomfortable when they want to hold hands or even be romantic at all. 

[John Rando]

I like to look at my lithromanticism as a balance of allo and aro benefits, such as having the time to watch some movies because you don't loose time with bf/gf bullshit while still understanding the actual intended plot of said movie before the characters kiss.

[candles]

Just broke up with my second partner after realizing what I've been feeling for a few months is me being lithro. Sucks all around. I'm sure I will be able to find pride in the identity later on, but right now it's so visceral and not abstract and stuff kind of sucks. I understand that pride is meant to be despite hardship and negativity, and that it's perfectly fine to be how you are, but I feel shitty right now cause I hurt someone else and myself cause I didn't know how to deal with my own feelings. So like, I get what yall are saying, but I feel like shit in the moment.

[Uva]

On 8/5/2020 at 1:05 AM, hermi1e said:

Idk if this thred is ded, but hi, hello, I'm also questioning as lithro.  When I first started questioning, I did the appropriate Gen Z thing and scoured the internet for memes about the identity. And I think that the memes about lithromanticism say a lot:

 

1. The identity is underrepresented as shit. I get that it's a tiny minority, but for real. There are like 3 lithromantic memes on the internet, and two of them are comics. Come on people, we can do better than that lol

2. We're aware of the underrepresentation. This is clear, i think, bc half the memes are just explanations of the identity. I feel like the creators are either venting their self-discovery story (i think that finding ur identity feels more special when the identity is little-known, because it's more surprising or can take longer to discover it), educating questioning lithros (because it might be the only way baby-lithros ever learn their identity), or educating non-lithros to spread understanding (because there's not much understanding, obv). Educating others is great, telling ur self-discovery story is great. This is all great. It just makes me sad that we have to focus so so much on explaining and justifying ourselves and grasping at visibility. I'd love if we could make some content for ourselves. (I know there are some great lithro memes like this. I just wish there were more.)

3. We hate being lithromantic. This one is the worst, i think. I personally hoped for memes that displayed pride, and showed that a lithromantic could live a happy life. Instead, i found #lithromanticproblems. And guess what. The problem most lithros have with being lithro is being lithro. "That moment when your attraction fades lol." Idk, it makes me sad. Yes, it can suck to be lithro. But what if all the memes about lesbians were "That awful moment when you're a woman attracted to women lol?" Like, no. That seems like internalized homophobia and shame, not pride. I get that it's good to talk about the disappointment, but I'd also like to talk about how great it is to be lithro.

Such as....

- We don't have to deal with the complications of actually being in a relationship.

- Once we acknowledge that romance isn't in the cards for us, there's no pressure for us to pursue it. 

- We can focus mostly on other relationships, like friendships (this applies to a lot of the aro/ace community, i think).

- We still get the dopamine-inducing experience of having crushes. Legit, just having a crush can reduce stress and increase self-esteem.

- We can find ways to fulfill our own needs without romance, which some alloromantic people never learn how to do. We learn that romance isn't goin to make our lives perfect, and we can live fantastic lives without it. 

 

Basically what I'm saying is, can we make some memes about that stuff? ?  Ok thank you for listening to my meme ramble, byeeeee 

 

 

HAHAHAHAHA I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! Yeah man, we shoud be proud of ourselves. Of course, it is not easy, especially when you never had been in a simliar situation before, but it's completely possible if you try.

 

When I first realized that I was asexual AND sex repulsed, I had such a hard time trying to accept myself... but now I'm really proud of being asexual! It's been 4 years since I found myself asexual, and, then, a few weeks ago, I sarted to realize that most of my ''relationship problems''  wasn't because I'm asexual, but because I must be aromantic too. I alredy knew the term litho and akoi, because of the ace commutity, but I always tried to run away of this possibility.

But in the beggining of this damn year, I have been almost in a relationship. Like... the person liked me back, and then, my feelings started to change. I always tought it was because I was insecure about myself, or because I was afraid for never been in a relationship before, but THE THING IS: WHY WASN'T I HAPPY TO HAVE MY FEELINGS MATCHED? Like, even if YOU ARE INSECURE ABOUT YOURSELF AND EVERYTHING, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY IF THE PERSON LIKES YOU BACK. I was a little bit happy, but I was also feeling pressured, and, I don't know, romantic repulsed? 

Like Dog said, ''the whole body language when they become romantic with me'' was making me feel romantic repulsed. I started to wonder what the hell I was doing, like, ''do I really want THIS?''. I sartarted having difficulties seeing what I liked about my partner... my favorites moments were  when we acted like friends, and I didn't feel like we liked each other. We were just good friends. When he acted like just a good friend, I felt that my romantic attracion returned. When we got close and he started acting like a guy in love, I felt that my attraction was going away.

 

This is different of frayromantic to me, because my attracion do not depend of a bond to disappear, it depends of my feelings being reciprocated or not. And my attracion do not dissapear suddenly, they become weaker and unstable, and even if I wat to be with that person, I feel tired and stressed if I insist on the romantic relationship.

When we kind of broke up (I had to move for another city), I wasn't THAT sad, you know? not like the girls in the movies when they broke up because now they have to live in different cities. I was sad, but I was mostly RELIEVED. And then, I sarted to wonder if I was really a ROMANTIC person.

 

Hey! I'm brazilian, so sorry if I made some mistakes while writing, english it is not my native language

 

Edited August 17, 2020 by Uva

[kernsing]

I consider myself lithro, in that I experience what's usually called "romantic attraction," but this does not lead me to want to date or do many things that are considered "romantic," and that doing things that look like what my culture (USA) calls "romance" actually makes me uncomfortable.

I never knew that this was a possible experience while I was young. I tried to fit myself into a shape that wasn't comfortable, just because I never knew that the shape that is comfortable for me existed.

I like being lithro! I like having knowledge about what I do and what I don't like, and being free to say, "No, I don't want this," even when society doesn't acknowledge it as a possibility. I like knowing that how I naturally am is, yes, valid. I like how having an aromantic spectrum label makes me feel like I'm allowed to exist, and that I'm allowed to be happy even though amatonormativity is convinced that I can't be. It thinks that if you're in love and not "together" with the person, it's a categorical tragedy. But that's a lie. I like being friends--I'm so much happier being friends with someone, no matter my "attraction" to them, than I would be if I were dating. It's not sad that "romance" makes me unhappy, just like it isn't sad that someone doesn't like chocolate. It's just how I am, and if I were any different, I wouldn't be myself anymore. I refuse to accept that my existence is unconditionally sad. I'm allowed to own my happiness.

(I don't think anyone shouldn't be unhappy about being lithro or express their frustrations. There should be spaces for that; it's fine to feel whatever about your identity. But I just want to say: it's very possible to be lithro and to be proud of it!

And also: this experience isn't limited to lithromanticism or even aromanticism. People should feel free to dislike dating, romance, whatever, no matter the labels they use for their emotions or identities.)

[I've said basically the same thing in a comment on a post about romantic denial in love songs. It's a pretty good read.]

Edited August 23, 2020 by kernsing
info correction

[Tylore]

Hey, so I’ve been doing research on the labels lithromantic/apromantic/akoiromantic and I would like to know more about their origins, how they were coined, who they were coined by (I know that lithromantic was coined by stopanthropomorphizingme) the meaning behind their word roots according to their creators, really, anything about their history that I can get my filthy hands on; so if anyone knows anything that would be appreciated.

[Tylore]

On 8/5/2020 at 12:05 AM, hermi1e said:

Idk if this thred is ded, but hi, hello, I'm also questioning as lithro.  When I first started questioning, I did the appropriate Gen Z thing and scoured the internet for memes about the identity. And I think that the memes about lithromanticism say a lot:

 

1. The identity is underrepresented as shit. I get that it's a tiny minority, but for real. There are like 3 lithromantic memes on the internet, and two of them are comics. Come on people, we can do better than that lol

2. We're aware of the underrepresentation. This is clear, i think, bc half the memes are just explanations of the identity. I feel like the creators are either venting their self-discovery story (i think that finding ur identity feels more special when the identity is little-known, because it's more surprising or can take longer to discover it), educating questioning lithros (because it might be the only way baby-lithros ever learn their identity), or educating non-lithros to spread understanding (because there's not much understanding, obv). Educating others is great, telling ur self-discovery story is great. This is all great. It just makes me sad that we have to focus so so much on explaining and justifying ourselves and grasping at visibility. I'd love if we could make some content for ourselves. (I know there are some great lithro memes like this. I just wish there were more.)

3. We hate being lithromantic. This one is the worst, i think. I personally hoped for memes that displayed pride, and showed that a lithromantic could live a happy life. Instead, i found #lithromanticproblems. And guess what. The problem most lithros have with being lithro is being lithro. "That moment when your attraction fades lol." Idk, it makes me sad. Yes, it can suck to be lithro. But what if all the memes about lesbians were "That awful moment when you're a woman attracted to women lol?" Like, no. That seems like internalized homophobia and shame, not pride. I get that it's good to talk about the disappointment, but I'd also like to talk about how great it is to be lithro.

Such as....

- We don't have to deal with the complications of actually being in a relationship.

- Once we acknowledge that romance isn't in the cards for us, there's no pressure for us to pursue it. 

- We can focus mostly on other relationships, like friendships (this applies to a lot of the aro/ace community, i think).

- We still get the dopamine-inducing experience of having crushes. Legit, just having a crush can reduce stress and increase self-esteem.

- We can find ways to fulfill our own needs without romance, which some alloromantic people never learn how to do. We learn that romance isn't goin to make our lives perfect, and we can live fantastic lives without it. 

 

Basically what I'm saying is, can we make some memes about that stuff? ?  Ok thank you for listening to my meme ramble, byeeeee 

 

 

Time to put my procreate meme skills to use, hehehehehehe

I cannot think of any memes, h e l p

Edited September 17, 2020 by Tylore
Failure to follow through on promise

[Guest blagberg]

Hi! I am a 47-year-old cisgender man who has identified as gay for as long as I can remember. Internally, I've always believed that I was "deficient" in love. Until I discovered the existence of asexuality and aromanticism spectrums last year, my only frameworks for analyzing my experience were those provided by pop and mainstream psychology: attachment issues, fear of commitment, etc. I thought there was something broken inside me that I needed to find and fix to have lasting romantic relationships.

This year, I've set records for the shortest romantic relationships! In the most recent case, it took just three dates to reach a familiar point of complete intolerance for romantic reciprocity from my partner. It seems like my reactivity increases with age. It's as if I have an allergy to romantic reciprocity: imagine not having the physical ability to eat the food you desire the most, like chocolate. That's a bit how I feel about romantic reciprocity. I want it, but I can't stand it.

This led me to search for "allergy to romantic reciprocity" on Google today. That's how I learned about the akoi/lithromantic orientation.

In my Google searches, I noticed that different sources describe lithromantic orientation as "Someone who is lithromantic can experience romantic attraction but DOES NOT WANT it to be reciprocated." This doesn't match my experience. For me, it's more like: I WANT it to be reciprocated, and I WISH I COULD endure that reciprocity. So, I'm still in the stage of struggling against myself. I see it as a limitation.

I've read your inspiring posts about pride. I'm not there yet. I imagine that when you take pride in being lithromantic, you can genuinely desire that romantic feelings are not reciprocated.

In your journey, have you reached a stage where you positively wish that the romantic feelings you have toward someone are not reciprocated? I find it challenging to understand how I could come to wish for that. Thank you for sharing whatever you're willing to share about your experience that led you to this state of acceptance.

[Helion]

On 2/26/2020 at 1:08 PM, DogObsessedLi said:

I decided to see if we could start a lithromantic / akoiromantic / aproromantic discussion. I've just had an epiphany and have realised that I'm lithromantic - the attraction fizzles out when I'm in a relationship (when partners start reciprocating it by being romantic with me, which always makes me go cold in terms of attraction). It's not them saying "I love you", but the whole body language when they become romantic with me. It's highly frustrating. I'm fed up of my relationships going pear-shaped. I can crush on a celebrity for years or someone who doesn't reciprocate back, but once I'm in a relationship I tend to want out fairly quickly. I'm lucky to get a few months. Usually I end up alternating between women and men because I've always misread the lack of attraction. An ex has just come back in my life (not as a partner as yet), but I'm scared I'll hurt him all over again, I don't want to hurt anyone and definitely not a good 'un like him. I suppose with awareness comes mindfulness about how I then function in such relationships, helping me to have choice about how I then respond in a relationship (unlike being unaware and on autopilot that is). Are there any other lithromantics on here who could tell me their story and how they approach being lithromantic especially in relation to relationships (or have you given it

up as a futile attempt?) Can we get a lithromantic chat going? It's like I theoretically am attracted romantically to some people, but in practice it is just stressful and nauseating and I feel like I need to run a mile. It's not that I'm scared of commitment because I actually value commitment in terms of loyal and trustworthy friendships. 

Thanks. 

I think this is really interesting. I'm aromantic, I'm not sure if I fit into any more specific terms like lithromantic, etc., still gotta figure things out and all, but I really relate to the "Losing interest if repricated" part. I don't think I have any romantic interests, but I am a really affectionate person. I like being affectionately with friends, but if they repricate it too much I become repulsed.