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Cassiopeia

Early signs that you were aro

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im pretty different from most of the people replying to this, for me im not grossed out by displays of romantic attraction as long as they don't include me. sometimes it'll make me slightly uncomfortable but reading about it/watching a romantic movie isn't something i utterly despise or can't do, i just don't see myself having that type of relationship.

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So many things I relate to in this thread! In hindsight, the biggest signs that I was aro for me were:

 

- I got repulsed/fidgety when watching romantic scenes in movies - hardcore sex scenes were fine though. Now I just get bored/wander away or make snarky comments, lol. 

- When daydreaming about my 'adult' life, I always pictured myself single. Even if I made up a husband (yay hetero/amatonormativity), he was a faceless entity that was never featured and my daydreams revolved around daily life with my horses and dogs and cats. 

- Along those same lines, I could never imagine my wedding (and still can't tbh, even the most general details), outside of 'I guess I'll wear my mother's/grandmother's dress...???' 

- I always found the idea of living with my best friend to be far more exciting and fun-sounding than with a romantic-type partner. 

- I was primarily interested in the sexuality/physical nature of a 'crush' during high school - I wanted to make out and have a flirty friendship, not date. 

- If I read romance novels, it was for the sex scenes and friendships/secondary character development...to the endless frustration of my very-romantically-inclined best friend. 'Wasn't it cute when -'  'NO'. 

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when i was younger my parents would always tell me that i could not date till was 16 (im 16 now almost 17) and i have never really had a intrest in dating i felt that if i dated a friend i would not be able to hug my other friends or i would lose touch with them so i dont date or have a intrest in romance sometimes i feel a little left out and im not able to give romance advice because i dont have any experice myself. i also prefer not to be attached to anyone and i hate people who are super clingy its kind of anoying i dont mind romance in animes(if theres a good plot) or even in books  its ok aslong as theres a good plot and the sories not a typical love story where theres love at first sight. being aromantic i have had people ask me out and ive always turned them down cause i dont want it to be weird orloose friends if we would break up so yeah 

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On 10/13/2017 at 9:54 AM, nicole said:

im pretty different from most of the people replying to this, for me im not grossed out by displays of romantic attraction as long as they don't include me. sometimes it'll make me slightly uncomfortable but reading about it/watching a romantic movie isn't something i utterly despise or can't do, i just don't see myself having that type of relationship.

i feel the same way

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Well,when I was a kid I used to write some stories. Some of them bit like boy-meets-girl but always ended up with brother-sisterhood in the battlefield. Actually those characters were pretty much non-binary, plus they were usually not humans :D

Other thing is when I came to know there are people who chose to be single. I was like 'yayyyyy' (I was 9 or 10 years old at that time)

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It's actually a pretty funny thing to think about but when I was a child in.... I don't really know how school work in the US system but I guess it's preschool before primary school and anyway that's when I had my first kiss because I remember really well getting actually mad at people who were acting so childish saying "Oooh oooh they like each other they're gonna kiss ooooh" and teasing about Kissing to some other kids and I was pissed because the "couple" were ashamed and reacted like it was embarassing and getting mad and I remember really well saying "But seriously what's the big deal about it kissing doesn't mean anything. I could kiss like him (the random guy next to me) and it doesn't mean that I care" somebody dared me and I actually did with the tongue per request of the person giving me the dare. I was so young and it is so funny to think about looking back. Already at that age I seriously didn't see the appeal.

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When I was younger, like 13\14 years, my school mates were interested in finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend.. I didn't care and i thought that maybe we were still too young and they were just pretending..

Now I'm 17, everyone is always looking for a partner and i don't think they all pretend ahaha but i don't care and I don't understand why it's so important for everyone

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On 21/02/2018 at 6:24 PM, Alyssia said:

When I was younger, like 13\14 years, my school mates were interested in finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend.. I didn't care and i thought that maybe we were still too young and they were just pretending

 

I thought the exact same thing! I assumed they were just copying what they'd seen adults do, or seen in movies, without there being much of an intrinsic drive behind it. It all seemed very silly xD

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When I was sixteen I took a few driving lessons to get some extra practice. The driving instructor suggested, as a trick for looking well ahead on corners, to imagine I was looking for my crush/someone I found good looking. Well, I told him I didn't have a crush. After some pondering I was like, I guess I kind of like the look of Ryan Gosling (who doesn't). And he was like okay, you can imagine you're looking for Ryan Gosling around that corner. And I was like... I'd rather look for kittens...

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Getting really irritated when people shipped me with my best friends.

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Let’s see... we’ll when I was a kid (elementary school)  everyone would talk About who they had a crush on... when I was asked I’d say nobody I don’t even get what a ‘crush’ is! And they’d literally get angry insisting that everyone had a crush on someone so I ‘had’ to have one! My friends would get really giddy around romantic comedies and keep talking about all these guys they wanted to date (ages 13-16) and I’d get really mad about that cause everyone insisted that because I was a girl it had to mean I was obsessed with Romance! I never understood why people felt the need to shove liking someone down my Throat... and everywhere I’d go people would make me feel bad about not being in a relationship through high school. Also growing up I never understood why everyone thought that single = miserable..... I’ve been in relationships before and have actually tried it out but I’m able to exhale a lot better when I’m single 

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On 6/25/2017 at 12:00 PM, James White said:

 To this day, her attempt is the only thing that's ever really triggered the "fight" part of my fight-or-flight response. She ran away crying, and I just stood there wondering why I had done it. 

Oh man.  So speaking of fight or flight responses....

 

I had a guy in high school who basically stalked me from class to class; like, I'm pretty sure he had my schedule memorized.  He would show up at the doorway of the class I was leaving, follow me through the halls to my next class, and then go to his own.  (There was also a whole thing with him trying to ask me to prom and a ton of panicking on my part and telling him I had promised to go with my friends as a group and then avoiding him the entire night of prom.)  Fast forward to college and he ended up going to the same school as me.  Part way through the year I spotted him across the campus and before he saw me I basically threw myself behind the nearest building and then ninja-ed my way back to my dorm like a Mission Impossible character.

 

I am really glad I didn't I have to deal with the inevitable awkwardness at our high school 10 year reunion over the summer because he didn't show up.....

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On ‎18‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 10:30 PM, starstuff said:

I had a guy in high school who basically stalked me from class to class; like, I'm pretty sure he had my schedule memorized.  He would show up at the doorway of the class I was leaving, follow me through the halls to my next class, and then go to his own. 

I feel you. During three years, there was this guy who followed me in high school, he even changed his way home to bring me home after school (the fact that I never waited for him didn't stopped him). I tried to tell him that I don't even like him as a friend, I tried to be cold, to not answer him... but he kept going. After  high school, he sent me mails. And when he told me he loved me and I rejected him, he told me that he was going to commit suicide if I didn't date him. I think it would have been easier if I knew I was aro at this time.

 

I was lucky, my friends didn't speak about love relationships a lot. But one day, I said that I would hate to marry someone who works at the same place as me, because I would be tired to see him. They looked at me as if I was an alien and says that when you love someone you want to be with him/her all the time.

Also, I'm not sure i this is an aro or an ace thing. But when I was twelve, it was the first time I saw on television girls fantasizing with the picture of a guy. I was used to see boys fantasizing on women bodys, but not the contrary. So I thought : "Men are exciting about the chest, but us women, what are we supposed to look out?" If I have been straight, I had known I suppose; but I needed to be taught what is attractive.

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On 4/20/2018 at 11:21 AM, nonmerci said:

think it would have been easier if I knew I was aro at this time.

Oh man, SAME. :facepalm:

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On 4/20/2018 at 4:21 PM, nonmerci said:

And when he told me he loved me and I rejected him, he told me that he was going to commit suicide if I didn't date him. I think it would have been easier if I knew I was aro at this time.

Aro or not, him threatening to hurt himself is a textbook tactic of emotional abuse. That's not okay under any circumstances. 

 

Looking back, I think swearing to myself when I was 13 that I would not date anyone until at least after high school might have been a sign 😂 At the time that sentiment was all tangled up in rejections of anything I perceived as feminine, though. 

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On 4/18/2018 at 1:30 PM, starstuff said:

Part way through the year I spotted him across the campus and before he saw me I basically threw myself behind the nearest building and then ninja-ed my way back to my dorm like a Mission Impossible character.

 

I saw this guy who asked me out when I was in high school (it was a very public display and I should have noticed I wasn't into romance when I felt like I had had cold water dumped over me instead of butterflies. Mind you I had a squish on the guy which I confused for a crush, so his asking me out wasn't exactly unfounded) one day at the library. He didn't see me. I bolted like I was being chased and never went to that library again. 

 

And the first real instance where I could have figured out I was aromantic had I known what I was feeling, was in middle school when my friends made up a secret admirer and left letters in my bag. It wasn't a very nice thing to do and they were probably expecting me to swoon over this invisible guy, instead I hid the letters because I thought it was a real person and I was disgusted by being thought of as a romantic object. We stopped being friends soon after because after a while I figured out they were behind it and I had been stressed for months because of disgust towards this imaginary admirer. 

 

Also I could never handle teasing. It mae me feel icky when someone teased me about a boy I was friends with. 

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On ‎5‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 8:41 AM, eatingcroutons said:

Aro or not, him threatening to hurt himself is a textbook tactic of emotional abuse. That's not okay under any circumstances. 

 

True. But if I had known I'm aro, I guess I would have mention it to him way before he asked me out, so maybe he would have understood that I will never date him, never ask me, and never threaten. Or maybe not, I'll never know.

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14 hours ago, nonmerci said:

True. But if I had known I'm aro, I guess I would have mention it to him way before he asked me out, so maybe he would have understood that I will never date him, never ask me, and never threaten. Or maybe not, I'll never know.

Honestly, the thing about abusers and manipulators is they don't give a shit about logic or reason. They will trample all over any boundaries you try to set, no matter how genuine or important the reason you have for setting those boundaries. I would bet good money that if you had known you were aro, and told this guy you were aro, he would still have tried to convince you otherwise, and would still have blamed you for not being interested in him romantically.

 

None of his behaviour is on you, it's all on him.

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I was never interested in a relationship and I could never figure out why especially since I'm allosexual too it took me awhile to realize that romantic and sexual are two different things (funny part: I have three Ace friends and even thought I was Ace trying to figure out why I was different and I only realized less then a month ago that they are separate...I've been friends with all three for over four years and knew all about asexuals for at least two and I never processed this...)

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I was never interested in weddings or love stories or any of that stuff when i was a kid. I never imagined what my future wedding or SO would be like, it just didn't seem important to me.

 

My favorite movies were the ones that focused on cool stuff or friendships, without love interests. When i got older, i was okay with romance, but love triangles frustrated me and i often wished they'd all just be friends. Confession: i was a huge twilight fan when i was 12-14. My favorite book was, of course, the one edward is barely in. I was totally absorbed in bella and jacob's friendship, and i was so upset when he decided he was in love with her and turned into a douchebag >:/

 

When my friends asked who i had a crush on, i said no one, and when they insisted there must be someone, i picked a random kid in my class. At that point i was convinced that everyone else was doing the same thing, making up a fake crush so their friends would leave them alone. It was really awkward dealing with them teasing me whenever my "crush" was around after that lol i was terrified they would say something and i'd end up stuck in a relationship i didn't even want!

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2 hours ago, brook_worm said:

Confession: i was a huge twilight fan when i was 12-14. My favorite book was, of course, the one edward is barely in. I was totally absorbed in bella and jacob's friendship, and i was so upset when he decided he was in love with her and turned into a douchebag >:/

 

Lol saaaaaaaame! I just loved the idea of having a friendship as close as Bella and Jacob's, although admittedly I only ever saw the movies so I'm sure I missed out on their friendship. Things got way boring for me once the love triangle came in, I was not into it. I always used to think those kinds of friendships were what romance should be like, oh how naive my aro ass was. 

 

2 hours ago, brook_worm said:

When my friends asked who i had a crush on, i said no one, and when they insisted there must be someone, i picked a random kid in my class

 

I was always so confused when they told me I must like someone. I just didn't get it. I would think, well who made that silly rule? When pressed I would actually say I liked someone from "my old school" so they wouldn't tease me about a real person because I just loathed teasing. Still makes me cringe and I'm 23. 

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1 hour ago, snapesonalane said:

 

Lol saaaaaaaame! I just loved the idea of having a friendship as close as Bella and Jacob's, although admittedly I only ever saw the movies so I'm sure I missed out on their friendship. Things got way boring for me once the love triangle came in, I was not into it. I always used to think those kinds of friendships were what romance should be like, oh how naive my aro ass was. 

 

Yes! That was the appeal for me too. They were so close and from bella's point of view, that didn't make them "more than friends." It was nice until the stupid love triangle kicked in and stephenie meyer had to demonize him so he wouldn't get in the main couple's way. Looking back the books aren't great lol but i cared a lot about them at the time!

 

1 hour ago, snapesonalane said:

I was always so confused when they told me I must like someone. I just didn't get it. I would think, well who made that silly rule? When pressed I would actually say I liked someone from "my old school" so they wouldn't tease me about a real person because I just loathed teasing. Still makes me cringe and I'm 23. 

 

Yeah same. It was always weird to me that they'd go into these conversations with the assumption that i liked someone. As if it was obvious that everyone had a crush at all times. That's not even how that works? Very weird. Haha i should have used your excuse! I changed schools enough that it would have been plausible.

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6 hours ago, brook_worm said:

When i got older, i was okay with romance, but love triangles frustrated me and i often wished they'd all just be friends.

I never got why it was so important to pick one or the other.
Rather than forming a vee or rejecting both.

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