Jump to content

Early signs that you were aro


Cassiopeia
 Share

Recommended Posts

I remember at one point in high school thinking 'How do people just 'find' each other and know they would want a romantic relationship with that person. What is this so called 'magic' people describe?'

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

1. I had a "crush" (actually a squish) on a guy and I wrote in his yearbook, "You're a cool friend, I hope we can hang out some time soon!" and thought i was being so romantic lol

2. My friend was telling me about her crush on my other (straight, female) friend and how terrible unrequited love is. My first thought was "why is that so bad? you guys are really close friends".

tbh, I sometimes feel bad that I can't really understand it bc I don't really know how to support my friends through it :(( 

Edited by sunflowerfriend
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a kid I wasn't thinking about all this at all. As a teenager in junior high and in highschool I was the only one who wasn't interested in having a boyfriend. I really didn't get why people wanted a relationship so young. I thought that it would maybe change growing up but it didn't.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I realise now that whenever I made serious plans for the future I always worked on the assumption that I would be living alone and as self sufficient as I could be. I remember when I first went to university and I was making sure I learnt all the cooking things I wanted before I left, my grandad joked that I should 'just find myself a woman for that'.

This was also a thing when I was first looking for places to live, the thought of having a bit more space incase someone moved in with me just never occured to me and I only found out that was unusual when a friend visited and asked me what I would do if I got a girlfriend. 

When I was at school and wondering what to do with my life I had no problem with moving way across the country or even going abroad. Someone I knew asked me what if I was with someone who wanted to stay local, I shrugged and said I would just leave. He looked at me like I was crazy and I never really understood why.

Each thing on its own didn't seem of any meaning but when I think back on it I did really just not consider the possibility that I would end up in a romantic relationship.

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/8/2021 at 2:14 AM, sunflowerfriend said:

2. My friend was telling me about her crush on my other (straight, female) friend and how terrible unrequited love is. My first thought was "why is that so bad? you guys are really close friends".

tbh, I sometimes feel bad that I can't really understand it bc I don't really know how to support my friends through it :(( 

Haha, ain't that a mood :D

I sometimes feel bad because it's difficult for me to understand my friend's relationships too. I try to be there for them and listen to their struggles, and that's usually just what they need.

When it comes to understanding romance though, I actually had to consciously study things like "signs that people like someone" or "why breakups are terrible" and "romantic subtext" and the like because I basically don't have a personal frame of reference when it comes to feeling romantic attraction or being in a relationship. Being aegoromantic helps to sympathize with romantic feelings, but it's still no a substitute for actually being in love with a real person.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/15/2021 at 1:47 AM, roboticanary said:

I realise now that whenever I made serious plans for the future I always worked on the assumption that I would be living alone and as self sufficient as I could be. I remember when I first went to university and I was making sure I learnt all the cooking things I wanted before I left, my grandad joked that I should 'just find myself a woman for that'.

This was also a thing when I was first looking for places to live, the thought of having a bit more space incase someone moved in with me just never occured to me and I only found out that was unusual when a friend visited and asked me what I would do if I got a girlfriend. 

When I was at school and wondering what to do with my life I had no problem with moving way across the country or even going abroad. Someone I knew asked me what if I was with someone who wanted to stay local, I shrugged and said I would just leave. He looked at me like I was crazy and I never really understood why.

Each thing on its own didn't seem of any meaning but when I think back on it I did really just not consider the possibility that I would end up in a romantic relationship.

I so relate to what you have said. 

I have never imagined myself in a relationship, never occured to me that this could happen. I have always made plans for myself and still do it. 

The thought of someone living with me just don't cross my mind. I really can't picture it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

something that i think was a very aromantic thing for me to do as a kid (age 10 to 15 ish i think?), was when i would look at my classmates and decide to have a crush on a specific person. this would actually take a bit of effort, funnily enough! for example, if my "crush" said something i found annoying, my "romantic feelings" would weaken quite a bit, and i would have to put real effort into cranking that romantic feelings-meter back up

soooo uuhhh......... it turns out romantic attraction does, in fact, not usually work that way lol. most people don't just "pick a person" to be having a crush on for the next couple of months xD

also, as a kid my ideal living situation as an adult was to live together in one house/apartment/building/etc. with a group of friends rather than for example a spouse haha

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I could never imagine myself marrying someone out of love, marriage has always felt like something I'd have to check off my list to be "a proper adult".

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I was in middle school I dated a couple people. All of the relationships ended after a few weeks with us not even talking to each other after the second week. At first in the relationship I would want to hang out with them and possibly do "unsavory" things with them but it never went that far. After the first two weeks of dating I would be completely uninterested in them. I would want nothing to do with them. I just thought I was broken, or a player, something along those lines anyway. Did anyone else have a similar experience to this?  

1 hour ago, Kallie said:

I could never imagine myself marrying someone out of love, marriage has always felt like something I'd have to check off my list to be "a proper adult".

That how I felt aswell. I didn't and still don't want to marry at all. Whenever I was younger I always felt so pressured by all my family and friends to get married when I get older.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/12/2021 at 2:37 PM, PancakeSnake said:

something that i think was a very aromantic thing for me to do as a kid (age 10 to 15 ish i think?), was when i would look at my classmates and decide to have a crush on a specific person. this would actually take a bit of effort, funnily enough! for example, if my "crush" said something i found annoying, my "romantic feelings" would weaken quite a bit, and i would have to put real effort into cranking that romantic feelings-meter back up

I did this as a kid too! I thought I was supposed to have crushes, so I would choose someone who seemed like a nice person and convince myself that I had romantic feelings for them. I would keep forgetting that I supposedly had a crush on them, and it would take so much mental energy to try to keep up my "romantic feelings."

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remember in elementary school there was this one girl I would be extremely close to, I would talk to her about my messed up home life, fantasize about her, and would want her as a girlfriend then when we did become a couple first day I broke up with her because people on the playground said she was my girlfriend

In highschool I tried to have four romantic relationships and they all failed after two months  because I never felt anything for my significant others except for lust and platonic interest and I only really tried to have romantic relationships because I wanted to be like my peers and I also subconsciously saw it at the time as  gateway to happiness but then whenever I tried it felt suffocating and draining

i remember being in this one particular relationship where I remember wanting to break up with this girl but I didn’t want to make it seem like I used her so I planned to try to stay with her until I had to go to college but I couldn’t take it anymore and I broke up with her a month later 

Edited by GaiGantic
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Oh god.

In middle school, when my friends would talk to me about their crushes and tell me stories, I would always make fun of them. I know, I know, I was a douchebag but I really thought they were lying!

I did not believe that kids could feel romantic attraction. So my friend would come to me and start talking about her crush, I would be the know-it-all that I was back then and talk about how what she was feeling at the time was not romantic, she was just trying to grow up fast and act like an adult. We were 11 or 12 back then. Then I would question her about what she felt when she saw him, then I would compare that to what I've seen from books. Sometimes it would match and I would be like, it checks out, you're free to go. But most of the time my poor aro little brain couldn't comprehend what she was saying.

I had a friend that join me sometimes. I don't know why she agreed with me but yeah, she ended up being very alloromantic.  She had a boyfriend at the end of middle school. All my friends did. I lost a soldier that day folks. There was no one else to fight beside me. After that, it only took me one or two years to figure out I was actually aromantic.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I think the biggest one for me is thinking back to all the times I felt terrible about not being in a relationship but that feeling never came from genuinely wanting one but for somehow feeling like I was "less than" because I hadn't dated anyone. I started feeling this way in early high school and only started feeling less bad about it a couple years ago (I'm now 22) but that was even before I realized I was aro, I thought it just wasn't my time yet to date. Now I realize I don't even want to! Lmao how the turn tables

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

When I was in high school, we wrote the play we will play at the end of the year. At some point, we had something about a wedding in it. And I ask "can I play a woman that hate weddings?"

  • Like 3
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I remember that whenever I developed interest in someone, I never was focused on doing romantic things so much as having a deep emotional connection and someone to talk to

Edited by flyingfish
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Same lol
On 3/8/2021 at 7:26 PM, DivineCyst said:

I think that for me it was the thought of crushes and i made one up in like 4th grade and it was a squish i realized once i found out i was aro... whoopsies haha.

Same! I just realised I did this my whole life 😂 (I’m turning 18 in a month)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Kagsart
Em 12/06/2021 às 16:37, PancakeSnake disse:

algo que eu acho que era uma coisa muito aromântica para eu fazer quando criança (idade entre 10 e 15 anos, eu acho?), era quando eu olhava para meus colegas e decidir ter uma queda por uma pessoa específica. isso realmente exigiria um pouco de esforço, curiosamente! por exemplo, se minha "paixão" dissesse algo que eu achasse irritante, meus "sentimentos românticos" enfraqueceriam um pouco, e eu teria que me esforçar muito para aumentar o medidor de sentimentos românticos

muuuuito uuhhh ...... ... Acontece que a atração romântica, na verdade, não costuma funcionar dessa forma lol. a maioria das pessoas não "escolhe uma pessoa" para ter uma queda nos próximos meses xD

além disso, quando criança, minha situação ideal de vida como adulto era viver juntos em uma casa / apartamento / prédio / etc. com um grupo de amigos ao promover de, por exemplo, um cônjuge haha

(I used the translator so if something is wrong it's because of that)

I definitely identified with that, I think since I was very young I thought that to be happy I needed to be in a loving relationship and that it was something natural. dating but in the end it turned out that "dating" was nothing more or less than a great friendship that was titled as a love relationship.

I often found myself ending relationships as if it were nothing and after a while feeling extremely guilty for realizing that even being with that person for months I didn't feel any romantic feelings at all and it bothered me to the extreme because I wanted to have a relationship like other people, i wanted to love someone romantically like other people and it started to become a huge obsession with HAVING to be in a relationship to be "normal".

I've caught myself in conversation with my friends of theirs saying that I dated a lot of people and I said with such disinterest that phrase "I never really felt anything for them" heard I never really liked them it was just something in my head" but even after saying these phrases I was still actively looking for people that I would get along with and that would serve for me to date. In one of these situations I wasn't dating him but the situation somehow felt romantic to other people so much so that one of my classmates asked me if I liked him and I saw it as an "opportunity" and said yes but I DEFINITELY DID NOT FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.(we ended up dating for a few months) and when it was over I felt very liberated and free because this person was very fond of physical contact and enjoyed doing romantic activities

Even after that I ended up getting into a toxic relationship where I was obsessed with continuing relationships and not being alone and the guy who basically used it against me, after this relationship disaster I stopped and decided to give up, I was tired and honestly didn't feel more need for a relationship with anyone and that's when I discovered arromanticy and I felt wrong (I still feel but this is my thing) maybe that's because I want to have a relationship where I love my partner and be reciprocal but I think I definitely won't have it. 

By the way I love novels and how all the development happens it becomes something fascinating just like magic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...