"friendzone"

[Guest Apple Cake]

Have you ever seen people crying over being "friendzoned"? I just don't understand it. Why would "just friends" be something bad? And what does "just friends" mean? Friendship is important, for god's sake! Why doesn't people give it the value it deserves? People act like this "friendzone" is some kind of curse. I know it might be hard to know that someone you "love" so much doesn't feel the same way but... friendzone sounds like paradise for me. Telling a friend I have a crush on them, and them telling me they "love me but just as friends"... it sounds like my perfect scenario

[Vega]

I'm lucky that I've never had friends like that...

It just seems like such a poisonous thing, basically claiming ownership of whoever you have a crush on and generally not respecting their feelings at all. You know, the whole "Well I wasn't a raging asshole to you so you have to love me and sleep with me!"

The friendzone is my favorite zone anyway.

[RedNeko]

I have so many opinions of the friendzone.

 

I understand that it is a fustrating thing to happen to you if it wasn't what you were aiming for, so I used to give people the benifit of the doubt about it but:

 

• Have you even asked them out? Actually, explicitly asked them out not any of this vague 'you want a coffe?' crap. If they don't know you're interested in them in that way, how is the relationship going to ever change into what you want? And in this situation the person you desire hasn't 'friendzoned' you, they can't take actions against you because they don't know!
• You did ask them out, but they said they 'see you as a friend'/'I don't like you in the way but we can still be friends' and those types of responses. At this point you need to start thinking for yourself: do you want this type of relationship with them? If no, don't be their friend! Don't put yourself into the 'friendzone' if you don't want to be there! And don't act like you're OK being their friend at this point to try and work the friendship into your desired relationship; they already turned you down, respect that.
• Don't blame the other person for the situation. They are not your emotional babysitter who must always look after your feelings, you are your own person. Look after yourself; you don't like the current dynamics of the relationship? can't change it? constantly feeling upset over it? Then you need to end it. You know the worst thing you could make  happen by heaping your emotional baggage onto this other person? You could end up emotionally blackmailing them into a relationship - don;t do it.

I probably have some other things I could rant about when it comes to the behaviour of people who think they've been friendzoned, but I think it's better if I stop there.

[Rising Sun]

There is an emotional difference between being "friends" and being "just friends"... Many of you already know what I mean, I think ? It's nice to be friends, but isn't it painful to get only a secondary place in your friend's heart, without ever having the possibility to move up ? This is the bad side of being friendzoned, just friends, as opposed to being friends. The negative vs the positive.

If people did give more importance to friendship, I'm ready to bet that we would hear much less complaints about being "friendzoned".

[peridotty]

oh my god put me in the friendzone i dont want to be romance zoned

 

more specifically, ive had someone that i explicitly view on 'friendly terms' ask me out before, and it was incredibly uncomfortable to have to go through >.<

 

tbqh the term in itself bothers me, but mostly because it's used by people who think theyre entitled to a romantic or sexual relationship with you because you hang out with them sometimes and are friendly towards them

[breaddd]

To quote myself from another topic: "I've nearly stopped trying to relate to alloromantic people tbh"

Also, the friendzone is a myth. If anyone cares to know.

[owl]

I kind of understand why people would be upset if they're only friends with someone and not dating, but if you start complaining that you're in the friendzone, there's about a 99% chance I won't take you seriously.

Most people who say it use it as an excuse to shame the person ((typically women)) they asked out into feeling bad for not wanting to date them, and just generally being an ass 

[Ugh...]

I am this kind of person who either puts you in the “friendzone” or the “must avoid-zone”... if I say that one is in the friendzone, one should be glad about it

[artemis]

Tbh, in my mind anyone who wines about being in the friend zone probably has a fedora and says m'lady a lot.

[Bee]

I personally never understood the phrase "just friends". From what I knew of friendship, basically that it's the family you choose to have, I couldn't imagine anything MORE than that. Maybe that should've been a tip-off that I'm aro ace, but instead I've just come to decide that they're all different kinds of love that aren't more or less or even comparable to each other. It's like asking if a hot dog or a hamburger is a better sandwich: you could argue either way, but there isn't really a right answer (in my opinion).

[omitef]

Lots of problems with the friendzone. First off, as @Simowl said, it's primarily used to reinforce the idea that women owe men sexual/emotional intimacy because men are doing the minimum of being a decent human being and treating them with respect. Second off, it also reinforces amatonormativity--the term "just friends" really bothers me because it implies friendship is lesser than romance, which is not true. 

 

We should just call the "friendzone" being romantically rejected--which is a broad term that encompasses everything from, "They aren't romantically interested in me" to "They think I'm nice, but I'm not their first choice of partner, and they want to save me as a potential romantic partner in the future in case their first choice option doesn't work out." A lot of allos, I've noticed, seem to see friendship as a precursor to inevitable romance. "I'm not romantically interested in you" doesn't mean "I may be romantically interested in you later," and telling people that you "may be interested later" to "be nice," offering them the possibility of romance masquerading as "friendship," as a consolation prize--that I have an issue with. When the person you reject is just a tool to you, to be used to boost your ego, to be used as a backup, you are not treating them like a friend. You are treating them like an object, and when you're treating them as an object, they are perfectly entitled to get angry at you. 

[Zema]

On 18/05/2016 at 10:30 PM, artemis said:

Tbh, in my mind anyone who wines about being in the friend zone probably has a fedora and says m'lady a lot.

But they're "nice guys" you just have to give them a chance. (sarcasm)

[FishPanda]

On 5/14/2016 at 3:34 PM, Vega said:

I'm lucky that I've never had friends like that...

It just seems like such a poisonous thing, basically claiming ownership of whoever you have a crush on and generally not respecting their feelings at all. You know, the whole "Well I wasn't a raging asshole to you so you have to love me and sleep with me!"

The friendzone is my favorite zone anyway.

 

I'm of the same opinion. When people claim they are "friend-zoned" it really annoys me. When it's combined with "all these girls go off with guys who treat them like crap and ignore the good guys", I want to barf a little. What's wrong with being friends? It's great! You get to meet a lot of interesting and fun people, not just one. I once knew a guy who claimed that at this point in his life, he wasn't going to invest time and effort in a girl he didn't date. All I could think of was "your loss".

[aihpen]

To be honest, I wish I would be stuck in the friendzone more often. The amount of times I tried to make a friend, but they were only interested in either a romantic relationship or no relationship at all, is too big at this point. While most people complain about being in the friendzone, I'm practically begging to get in there

[Mark]

Is there a good term to describe seeking something queer platonic and instead being offered purely platonic (occasionally romantic)?

[omitef]

1 hour ago, Mark said:

Is there a good term to describe seeking something queer platonic and instead being offered purely platonic (occasionally romantic)?

 

Yeah, "disappointment."

[aussiekirkland]

I absolutely despise the concept of the friend zone. If I hear anyone call themselves friendzoned they can consider themselves unfriended in my books.

[paporomantic]

@Apple Cake It's easy to understand romantics here. People who're crushing on you suffer when they're reminded about the fact that you're unattainable for romantic and sexual purposes, so they have to reduce contact with you to stop being reminded. Getting over their feelings is more beneficial to them than maintaining the friendship with you.

 

Compare it to eating sweets compulsively. They cheer me up when consumed in moderation, but if I eat too many of them, they treat me badly - my energy levels drop and the risk of diabetes increases. So I don't buy sweets at all (ideally ) so that I don't succumb to the temptation.

 

Though you're not going to give your fans romantic action (so my analogy is poor), they're tempted to do stupid things nevertheless (buy flowers for you that won't help them 'get' you and will only distress you, I guess) and they find it necessary to avoid the trigger of their silly behavior (you).

[morallygayro]

It mostly seems to be straight men.

[Cassiopeia]

On 2016. 05. 16. at 9:59 PM, Simowl said:

Most people who say it use it as an excuse to shame the person ((typically women)) they asked out into feeling bad for not wanting to date them, and just generally being an ass 

Exactly. Its a manipulation tactic, and its nasty. If you read some of these articles by so called PUAs, the logic behind these tips ranges from mildly dodgy to predatory and creepy.

 

On 2016. 06. 08. at 0:39 AM, morallygayro said:

It mostly seems to be straight men.

Generally they are the ones who feel entitled to women's emotions and bodies. Some of them have this weird magical thinking that if they throw in the right kind of currency, sex and romantic love will fall out at the bottom.

 

On 2016. 05. 25. at 6:17 PM, aihpen said:

 While most people complain about being in the friendzone, I'm practically begging to get in there

 

I started to actively look for friends who would not find me romantically interesting, therefore I'm surely in there.

[aihpen]

On 8. Juni 2016 at 3:11 AM, Cassiopeia said:

I started to actively look for friends who would not find me romantically interesting, therefore I'm surely in there.

But how do you know if they'd find you romantically interesting?

[Cassiopeia]

2 hours ago, aihpen said:

But how do you know if they'd find you romantically interesting?

Well gay men, straight women, aros of any gender are less likely to fall for me? (Obviously there is no guarantee but you know, it's a lot less likely)

[paporomantic]

57 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

Well gay men, straight women, aros of any gender are less likely to fall for me?

 

Mention that you want children in the Tumblr 'About Me' and the 'Sexuality' or 'Romanticism' section of the Arocalypse profile - I think this will further cut the probability of a blog / forum reader accidentally falling for you by at least half or at least a significant percentage (I estimate that a significant fraction of greyros hate being parents in general).

[Cassiopeia]

3 hours ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

Mention that you want children (...) I think this will further cut the probability of a blog / forum reader accidentally falling for you by at least half or at least a significant percentage

Well, that isn't really so. I said under different circumstances, I'd probably have kids, but as things are its would be a horrible decision for several reasons....so its a not sure/highly unlikely.

But what does wanting kids have to do with romantic love? Wanting kids is a rational decision based on multiple factors, and romantic love is something people can't help feeling or not feeling. I don't really see the causality?

Quote

in the Tumblr 'About Me'

I don't know what blog you found, but I'm pretty sure I do not have anything like that on mine.

[paporomantic]

2 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

I don't know what blog you found, but I'm pretty sure I do not have anything like that on mine.

 

I know none of your blogs, don't worry  Just I looked up the 'Where did you find Arocalypse?' thread at some point and saw that you are on Tumblr.

 

2 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

But what does wanting kids have to do with romantic love? Wanting kids is a rational decision based on multiple factors, and romantic love is something people can't help feeling or not feeling. I don't really see the causality?

 

I think it's not so black-and-white. Romantic love is not always 'at first sight'. And regardless, the more someone crushing on you sees you or dreams about you, the deeper they're going to 'fall in love'. Learning something they don't like about you early on would help them take the rational decision to stop fantasizing about you and do something else that will distract them from thinking about you, and would make their crush 'lighter' and shorter.