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so, there's been a lot of discourse on twitter around people identifying as a "bi lesbian" or a "pan lesbian" and on one side people are saying bi/pan lesbians are harmful to bis, pans, and lesbians, and on the other side people are saying bi/pan lesbians aren't harmful. and the problem is, i'm close to people on both sides, so if i take one side, i lose people on the other side, and i don't want to get dragged into this discourse, and i don't want to have to lose people over this discourse, but i have people on one side, dming me about following someone, who is on the other side, and vise versa, and i'm not a lesbian, so i can't say anything, and idk what to do.

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I think it would depend on what they MEAN by the term... since it seems kind of contradictory to my understanding of the usage of those words, I'm not sure what information they're trying to impart... 

Is it: bi/pan, but strongly tending towards lesbian? 
or: Bi/pan romantic, lesbian sexual (or vice versa)?
or: Bi/pan, but lesbian sounds cooler? 

If it's the last one, then, yeah, I'd say it's maybe harmful. The middle one, is/are not harmful. The 1st one... maybe? 

(Note: I don't think it's the 3rd one, I just put that in there for completeness)

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Here's an essay I know of about gay bisexuality, for reference.

 

I don't have a dog in this particular hunt, besides a general opposition to too much essentialism, but from what you described, @Alexisaromantic, it sounds like you're mired in a case of people trying to sort other people into Ally or Enemy factions, rather than working together to solve a problem, and that's never a good situation. You might end up burning some bridges no matter what you do. Faced with conflicting demands like that, I think the only thing really left to do is figure out how to maintain your own sense of integrity.

 

Are you looking for input about the particular issue itself, or more on how to handle the DMs?

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I believe your sexual and romantic orientations almost always line up with each other, unless you are alloace or alloaro (the SAM exists for alloaros, aroaces and alloaces). I've never seen an allosexual alloromantic person use the SAM in a way that doesn't hint at some sort of internalised homophobia, biphobia, lesbophobia, etc. And that's usually the case. Either that and/or they are confusing sexual or romantic attraction with another type of attraction such as platonic, alterous or sensual. 

For example, it could be that someone's attraction to the opposite gender/sex isn't strong enough in a romantic way for the person to realise they're actually biromantic as well as bisexual and not a bisexual lesbian. For example, my attraction to men isn't quite as strong as it is for women and that, along with other things, made me believe I was a lesbian for years. It was only fairly recently that I had sexual attraction to men and that was very strange for me, since I was convinced before that I wasn't and wouldn't ever be in any way attracted to them at all. I know the struggle of feeling ashamed of being attracted to men as a sapphic and feeling like you somehow betrayed lesbians because you found that you weren't a lesbian after all, and I dealt with a lot of internalised biphobia at first. 

Perhaps allosexual alloromantics could have different sexual and romantic orientations, but if that were the case, it would be fairly uncommon I think. 

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On 1/7/2020 at 7:31 AM, Coyote said:

Are you looking for input about the particular issue itself, or more on how to handle the DMs?

Lets keep this to conflict resolution (ie. how to deal with the friends issue) please - we're unlikely to get input from anyone directly affected, given this is a forum for aromantic people, in order to deal with the issue of which side is in the right.

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On 4/26/2020 at 11:46 PM, Momo said:

Lets keep this to conflict resolution (ie. how to deal with the friends issue) please - we're unlikely to get input from anyone directly affected, given this is a forum for aromantic people, in order to deal with the issue of which side is in the right.

Hey there Momo. Unfortunately, the original poster of this thread (Alexisaromantic) hasn't been online since February 17, so at this point I have no reason to believe they're still looking for advice here anymore.

If what you're saying is that we shouldn't discuss this topic here at all, a person who might need to hear that also is TripleA, the user who just necro'd this thread. If (modding-wise) you're fine with his post, though, then I want to get into my own objections to it.

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On 4/29/2020 at 1:32 AM, Coyote said:

If what you're saying is that we shouldn't discuss this topic here at all, a person who might need to hear that also is TripleA, the user who just necro'd this thread. If (modding-wise) you're fine with his post, though, then I want to get into my own objections to it.

@Coyote @TripleA my note was mostly aimed at TripleA, I only quoted you Coyote to make a point about what would be OK to talk about from the original post.

I'm locking this post as of now. If the OP comes back and wants more help, they should feel free to start a new thread.

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