Gal Pals: Or, Romantic People Being Assholes to Aros

[Cassiopeia]

So the other day I found the blog lgbtlaughs through a post, and made a mistake to read like three pages. I used to follow them because its good to have some satire... and somehow I kind of forgot about them. I felt kind of sad at the time, alienated by heteronoramtivity and straight people in general, so I needed a laugh. It was fun while it lasted.

But then I found it, and I just knew why I savioured them a year ago.

 

Instead of e-slapping like half of the online lesbian community and running away to live in a cave, I went for a run, drank some cold of water, even meditated.

It did not help, I'm still furious. So, here is an article on the arophobia in the lesbian communities.

 

This is why we can't have nice things.

 

In other news, water is still wet and queer spaces are still not safe enough.

 

[DannyFenton123]

I'm not a fan of this joke, precisely because I'd LOVE to live with a friend. Maybe not so much the marriage, sharing a bed and kids but that's totally my dream!

 

Unfortunately people do laugh at it. I don't know why it's so funny, but the best I can make of it is that romantics don't even know we exist, so they have no idea some people want to live with their friend. Not that it makes it any better.

 

Here's some and a hug if you're a person who likes hugs

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Yeah, gotta put down people who lead lives differently than everyone else...

 

What is the term for male "gal pals"? You never hear of anything like that.

[DannyFenton123]

44 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

Yeah, gotta put down people who lead lives differently than everyone else...

 

What is the term for male "gal pals"? You never hear of anything like that.

Guy... groups? I have no idea

[Cassiopeia]

On 2016. 05. 07. at 1:19 AM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

What is the term for male "gal pals"? You never hear of anything like that.

 

Well, I have heard the "just bros being bros" variant, but only from (straight) female shippers, when talking about their OTP, so I'm not sure if that's really an issue for actual people.

What I actually heard from gay (and straight) men is the classic "no homo tho" problem. As far as I know, for guys usually its the other way around, the toxic masculinity+homophobia combo.

 

For women all forms non-sexual intimacy seen as purely platonic, as long as they are femme, two girls can hold hands in the mall and nobody will think they are a couple. (especially common for asian women, I guess its cultural) If two boys of the same age would hold hands in the same setting, people would think they are in a sexual relationship. (I guess for an ace to explain to a potential QPP when they are both men, that sex isn't on the agenda isn't gonna be easy either).

 

But for obvious reasons, I'm not really familiar with gay men's issues, so if anybody knows more, please correct me All of this was based on what I heard from friends or read on lbgtq+ forums.

 

Lots of straight women refer to their friends as 'girlfriend'(I guess to calm down their overprotective parents or jealous boyfriend) so lesbians usually go with the word 'partner' or 'lover' to distinguish. (That's why we need a more casual word for queerplatonic partner-that isn't 'zucchini'.)

But yeah, even if those same two girls would make out at a random bar, they would still be perceived as straight, doing it to attract and entertain men.

 

Btw, this is also a problem. Even though I do not pursue romantic relationships, being seen as a straight woman does harm me too, and I guess all aros and aces too, invisibility and erasure aren't such good things.

But ridiculing and dismissing female friendship in order to make female homosexuality visible is harmful, and will not fix the problem.

[Natkat]

it's funny because in some cultures 2 men holding hands are seen as a friendship thing and in other cultures 2 women can hold hands as friendship but not 2 guys, and then there is those place where friends holding hands are just seen as an only couple thing regardless. 

 

I also remember the making out thing. it's funny because one of my school semesters it was typical that girls would make out to attract the boys, but then the second semester there were more guys than girls, so while it was still rare 2 guys started making out it did turn alot more homo for the guys front. 

--

btw. I actually really jealous on female friendship. I feel the way western portrays female friendship seems much how I would prefer my male friendships to be. I hate the whole "no homo" thing. not just for the homophobic part but because it seams so limiting to guys. 

 

[Cassiopeia]

1 hour ago, Natkat said:

it's funny because in some cultures 2 men holding hands are seen as a friendship thing and in other cultures 2 women can hold hands as friendship but not 2 guys, and then there is those place where friends holding hands are just seen as an only couple thing regardless.

 

I have heard, that in (east asian?) cultures, hugs are more intimate, sexual than hand holding.

And in many cultures/families a kiss on the lips is a familiar/friend thing.

But actions aren't feelings, so those things are cultural.

 

BTW this video reminds me of me and my friends. Some of the gay men I was friends with totally acted like this with me. Mmmmaybe more vouge battles, and the occasional sexual humour to cope with the daily nonsense heteropatriarchy has thrown at us, but yeah. And I consider it normal? I don't think this is a strictly girls thing. That's how you act with close friends.

Ok, some people aren't this tactile, not with them. I do respect personal space.

But in my experience its just some of the straight guys who just don't get it. Like this level of non-sexual physical intimacy isn't in their dictionary, and they misinterpret it completely. I had a few creepy experiences, so now I'm more suspicious if they are too closely in my space.

 

But I totally get what you say, straight women do the no homo thing as well. If I tell them I'm not really into them, they aren't even my type etc, they get so offended. You just can't win ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[omitef]

1 hour ago, Cassiopeia said:

I have heard, that in (east asian?) cultures, hugs are more intimate, sexual than hand holding.

And in many cultures/families a kiss on the lips is a familiar/friend thing.

But actions aren't feelings, so those things are cultural.

 

I'm East Asian, and I've never seen my parents touch each other affectionately at all. My Indian friend says the same exact thing. I've also never seen any East Asian parents acting physically affectionately towards each other. I think, in East Asian culture, any physical contact is generally seen as super intimate, and not something you just do with anybody, but I may be wrong. 

[Cassiopeia]

@omitef

and the hand holding and arm in arm thing for teenage and early twenty something girls? I used to mistake them for sapphic couples, but its way too common, I'm guessing that all of these girls are unlikely to be all gay.

[peridotty]

ok, unpopular opinion time D:

 

i personally think gal pal jokes are hilarious? like i totally agree with y'all, they're generally directed at gfs who are doing nonsexual/nonromantic things like cohabitating and the like (many things that id like to do platonically), but its sort of the point? the thing is, media tends to censor f/f relationships more vigilantly than m/m ones? and 'gal pals' was sort of a way to make fun of the fact that they wouldnt admit that two women were in a sexual or romantic relationship. in all the places ive seen it used, its directed at an established relationship (usually in media? like ruby/sapphire or korrasami - tho the handmaiden/feudal lord thing is a discussion for another time) that is meant to be romantic, but which people insist is 'only' platonic. 

 

i totally get it if aro ppl arent happy with this? i really do? sometimes i find the joke tiresome? but it is an important thing to the wlw community as well. maybe we just need to find a balance r sth

[PerformativeSurprise]

8 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

@omitef

and the hand holding and arm in arm thing for teenage and early twenty something girls? I used to mistake them for sapphic couples, but its way too common, I'm guessing that all of these girls are unlikely to be all gay.

 

One of my roommates in college was an exchange student from China, and she was like this.  Sometimes she would just link arms with me (or the other girls we roomed with) or grab my hand in a totally platonic way and think nothing of it.  It took my roommates and I off-guard at first, but we realized it was cultural difference.  Her interpersonal style with other girls was just very different than the American style.

[omitef]

11 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

@omitef

and the hand holding and arm in arm thing for teenage and early twenty something girls? I used to mistake them for sapphic couples, but its way too common, I'm guessing that all of these girls are unlikely to be all gay.

 

In modern day Taiwan I actually see this happen a lot. It's perfectly normal for younger girls to hold hands and link arms. Guys, though, definitely not. 

[Louis On Air]

Yeah this is annoying and if it was obviously romantic or sexual it would be better but it just feels dehumanising

[morallygayro]

I'm honestly angrier about the homophobia coming from that writer and homophobia in the aro community in general than about wlw "oppressing" aros (whether straight, asexual, or queer) by making jokes about straight people desexualizing us and invalidating our relationships.

 

While The Thinking Aro has apologized for the homophobia she's displayed in the past - probably prompted by the time I very publicly called her out on it - her tone in that post seems like "wlw are talking about something that hurts them but what about ME and MY PROBLEMS" and like...does she not realize that this affects aro wlw too?

 

I'm so tired of the aro community (and the ace community too) being like "we're here for ALL aros (and aces)" but then immediately erasing aro and ace wlw or disregarding our needs or spitting homophobic, sexist vitriol at us. Do I not count among "ALL aros"?

On 5/6/2016 at 8:19 PM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

Yeah, gotta put down people who lead lives differently than everyone else...

 

What is the term for male "gal pals"? You never hear of anything like that.

It's "dudes being bros" but you don't hear about it as much because it's not used against men as much