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AroH

Platonic va Romantic

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Hi!

I'm completely new to this forum FYI, so if I do something wrong give me a shout-out.

 

I have only just started questions my romantic orientation. It probably started when I realized that all the crushes I've ever had were more like squishes. Then I realized that I can't really tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction. And to mess me up more, I'm also allosexual. I honestly can't tell if when I like someone i like them aesthetically, sexually, romantically, or platonically. Anyone else have the same issue?

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Welcome to Arocalypse! :icecream::icecream::icecream: Have some ice cream :P 

 

Sometimes that stuff confuses me too tbh. When I feel attracted to a person, I have to slow down and figure out how I'm attracted to the person. Sometimes I'll be sensually attracted to someone, but not sexually. Sometimes I'll only be platonically attracted but it will be such a strong attraction and I wonder how there's no other attraction tied to it. There are so many weird forms of attraction :P

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1 hour ago, breaddd said:

When I feel attracted to a person, I have to slow down and figure out how I'm attracted to the person. Sometimes I'll be sensually attracted to someone, but not sexually. Sometimes I'll only be platonically attracted but it will be such a strong attraction and I wonder how there's no other attraction tied to it. There are so many weird forms of attraction :P

Dosn't help that some forms of attraction don't have a label.

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14 hours ago, AroH said:

Anyone else have the same issue?

Heh.  I'm quoiro, so I feel you.

 

My advice to anyone in the same boat, although it might not seem very satisfying, is not to focus on finding a Proper Classification for every single feeling.  Personally, I really like having words for things, so I know it can be tough.  But instead of dwelling on what you don't know, for me it's always been more productive to start at what you do know.  For example -- if I get, say, fixated on a cute girl, instead of agonizing over whether the feeling is a real "crush" or something else, I'll just think about what the feeling inspires me to do (like, say, spend more time with her) and pursue that.

 

As much as sorting attraction types can be useful and rewarding in some cases, there's no legitimate Attraction Police that are going to come and get you if you decide not to specify these things to yourself.  ...On that note, related reading: Rethinking Romantic Orientation and Attraction Types as "Required" Identifiers.

 

Anyway, if you want to read more about similar experiences, I've got some posts about that on my blog, like here.

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For a long time, I couldn't understand how I didn't want to date or have sex with someone, but I did want to spend time with, touch, and look at them. Then I found out about the five types of attraction and things made more sense.

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Sometimes I'll only be platonically attracted but it will be such a strong attraction and I wonder how there's no other attraction tied to it.

 

I know that one.... While I am usually pretty sure I am not sexually attracted to someone, and am able to tell the difference between aesthetic and other kinds of attraction (and am never sensually attracted to humans), the difference between romantic and platonic attraction is sometimes difficult. I mean, I am completely sure about being aro since I don't want a relationship and stuff, but sometimes, I develop a feeling towards persons which is somewhat similar to this "fall in love stuff", when you often think of them, look forward to see them as the peak event of your day, and so on. Thus, people have asked whether I was having a crush or being in love with them "because it'd look like that". I was never sure what to say about that, except for a teenager-like "Naaaah!" Still, I think that was the best response, though. A squish maybe? Or, as I prefer to call it, emotional attraction. To me, that one sounds closer than "platonic". 

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honestly i dont really understand the concept of a squish well enough to accurately say whether or not i get them... tbh ive stopped trying to label my attraction at all. i define it by actions - what sort of things do i want to do with a person (or in general?) for me, ive found that i have a desire to do The Sex™ with people of various genders, but not things that i associate with romance like monogamous commitment, 'sweet talk', pda, et cetera. ive got a complicated identity (dont get me started talking about my gender lmao), and words like 'aromantic' and 'genderfluid' are words that ive found most closely match up with what i feel for myself. obvs its not perfect (im not great with the 'pansexual' label because even though "its what i FEEL" i dont think it covers what i need it to) but it does the job! ^_^ 

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On 5/4/2016 at 11:05 AM, breaddd said:

. Sometimes I'll only be platonically attracted but it will be such a strong attraction and I wonder how there's no other attraction tied to it. 

 

okay! I'm going through something like this right now! I've been fighting with myself because I really like this girl but I'm aro af so like I wanna ask to just be around her right?? But it's been such a strong feeling I'm like okay I'm gay(?) and I think If I wanna do like romo stuff and I'm like nahhhhh, and then I'm like do you wanna do her and fuck I don't want to do that either. So I'm like ???? How can I be feeling this strongly for this person, and JUST want to be there friend??? 

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On 5/4/2016 at 11:05 AM, breaddd said:

Sometimes I'll be sensually attracted to someone, but not sexually. Sometimes I'll only be platonically attracted but it will be such a strong attraction and I wonder how there's no other attraction tied to it.

 

I'm pretty much magnetically attracted to my friend from pre-school does that count lol

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yeah I can relate too.

one of the most helpful things I've ever found is saying out loud to myself "I love ___________." or "I love you."

For me being aro I have a need to say "but platonicly" somewhere after. Idk, I've found that helpful in telling that my squishes are in fact squishes and not crushes.

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On 4/5/2016 at 5:05 AM, AroH said:

And to mess me up more, I'm also allosexual. I honestly can't tell if when I like someone i like them aesthetically, sexually, romantically, or platonically. Anyone else have the same issue?

Oh yes, I know that.

I think it is a typical problem for allosexal aromantics ... :D
I find many women sexually attractive, And I also have friendly feelings to them, as well as I like the way they look ..

So all sorts of attractions are more open and more mixed, than they are for romnantics ..

 

It is complicated to navigate in that, because in a 'romantic' world you are ceartainly NOT supposed to mix friendship and sex, unless you are - or you want to be -  romantically involved ...
This is actually quite a problem for me ..

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for me, the fact that i can't understand what romantic attraction is was an indication that i don't experience it.  like, if i did, i'd know...you know?  i've never doubted my heterosexuality so whenever i got a squish on a girl, i knew it was platonic.  the platonic attraction i felt towards guys, if in combination with sexual, i guess i assumed was romantic, though not in so many words--this is before i knew about aromanticism or split attraction--i just mean i assumed it was a "normal" crush.  (i now refer to the phenomenon as an aro crush.)  but it wasn't, in itself, different from pure platonic attraction i felt towards anyone.  amatonormativity, man, it'll mess with you.  if what you're experiencing seems like a squish  or aro crush, it probably is, but i'm not familiar with anything else, so that's as much help as i can be.

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On 1/28/2018 at 10:06 AM, aro_elise said:

the platonic attraction i felt towards guys, if in combination with sexual, i guess i assumed was romantic, though not in so many words--this is before i knew about aromanticism or split attraction--i just mean i assumed it was a "normal" crush.

It's usually even described that way! Like, what differentiates love from friendship? The typical answer you'll get is: sexual attraction.

 

For all the importance placed on romantic love it's weird that many people find it difficult to admit that it has a sui generis character to it.

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As an aromantic pansexual, I feel those feels a lot! Normally, if I'm feeling very strongly about someone but can't figure out exactly how,  I try to articulate my feelings by asking myself a series of questions: 

 

Do I think they're pretty? (Aesthetic) 

Do I want to be physically close? (Sensual)

Do I find them interesting/want to hang out with them and get to know better? (Platonic)

Do I want to bang them? (Sexual)

Do I want to intertwine my life with theirs/be romantic? (Ha, no, never)

 

I have a difficult time figuring out if a particularly strong platonic-aesthetic-sensual-sexual combo of feelings is romantic or not. It kind of feels like it, because I genuinely care deeply about the person and love being around them, and it doesn't help that I don't really know what romantic attraction is (shouldn't it be similar??). It helps that I was in a relationship with a very romantic person, so usually I just picture the person doing the kind of things my ex would do (like flowers, introducing me as a partner, expressing their romantic feelings, etc.) and note how it makes me feel - usually, uncomfortable lol. So you could try those strategies to help clarify your feelings toward someone, and figure out if it's romantic or not. If you don't have personal experience with someone being romantic towards you, picture the person doing a romantic gesture from a movie, and note what your initial reaction is. :)

 

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Interesting...

 

On 3/5/2018 at 7:18 AM, ladyasym said:

Do I find them interesting/want to hang out with them and get to know better?

 

On 3/5/2018 at 7:18 AM, ladyasym said:

Do I want to intertwine my life with theirs

 

Why is intertwining your life with theirs combined with "be romantic"?

What is the difference between intertwining lives and hanging out with them to get to know them better? I imagine they would both involve spending a reasonable amount of time together. Where is the line between these two things?

 

 

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3 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

Interesting...

 

 

 

Why is intertwining your life with theirs combined with "be romantic"?

What is the difference between intertwining lives and hanging out with them to get to know them better? I imagine they would both involve spending a reasonable amount of time together. Where is the line between these two things?

 

 

In my experience, there's a significant difference when the relationship is more of a romantic-type. Personally, I define intertwining lives by such things as:

 

* Having a common or shared bank account

* Co-signing long term loans, mortgages, or car payments 

* Spending significant amounts of time with the other person's family, especially around holidays or when you would prefer to spend more time with yours

* Referring to 'we', 'us', or 'our' when discussing beliefs, future plans, etc. 

* Symbolically intertwining lives in a marriage ceremony 

* 98% of your personal time (outside of work or friend gatherings, and family commitments) is spent with them

* Being mentioned in one of their family members obituaries 

* Any and all long-term personal, career, or life goals are worked around with them as the primary concern.

 

Now, I totally get that any or all of these things might be present in a QPP without it being romantic. That is, by definition, the essence of a QPP or QPR. This is more of a general list of how (again, in my experience) romantic-type people intertwine their lives, and how I view the more practical components of a romantic relationship. 

 

Generally speaking, when you hang out with someone for a reasonable amount of time, or want to get to know them better, you don't ask them for joint access to back accounts and credit cards, or want to spend a significant amount of time with their family around the holidays to the detriment of your own...unless you're a con artist, lol. 😁

 

 

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I know this is like two years old but that is exactly how I feel >  . < so if you've figured anything out please I need your wisdom and if not let us alllll be confused together 

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