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Help with romantic identity?


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Hey everyone

 

I don't know if this is the right place to write this... but I could use some help. I think I might be aromantic (surprise surprise, I know this is arocalypse...)

I'm 18 and I have never had a crush, fallen in love or been in a relationship and I have no urge to change that. I didn't even realize in the beginning that this was not normal, I always got the feeling that I missed some kind of step when everybody around me started dating and I'm just not interested in it. I admit, I'm not the kind of girl anybody wanted to ask out or was interested in, but that never really bothered me. Everybody in my environment always told me that would change, but I don't want to be in a romantic relationship or something, I always say I'm too busy if somebody asks. Also I don't like romantic movies or books, and the fastest way to ruin a good series or book for me is to include a always ridiculous and unnecessary romantic subplot. I somehow missed to step to stop looking away when people in movies get too mushy. I'm not romance repulsed, but I really do not need to see that.

About a year ago I started talking to more people in the lgbt+ community and started thinking about it more. I started to google more and stumbled over the term aromanticism (the fact that my computer does not recognize aromantic or aromanticism as a real word makes me feel unsure). I think it fits, but I don't know exactly where on the spectrum I really am. I tried to start a conversation about it with my lgbt+ friends, but it didn't really work, so I thought maybe one of you could help me. 

Am I too young to know that I'm aromantic? I haven't tried romantic relationships, I don't really want to try it to find out for sure.

(Sorry I just realized this is very long and not very coherent, but it's something that has been weighing on me for a few weeks)

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You're not too young; I knew at 15 that I didn't want a romantic relationship, though it took until 17 to discover the term. And I haven't tried it either but I know I don't want to, the same way most people know they don't want to kiss a pig without ever doing it. If you feel like you identify as aromantic then that's totally valid. And don't listen to spellcheck because spellcheck is a bigot.

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You're not to young, for sure. I just turned 15 and I'm fairly confident in my aromanticism. Unfortunately, there's a bit of stigma even in the lgbt community about aromanticsm. But I think eventually if you come out to a couple friends at a time people will start to understand. Start out slow and let yourself think more about how your identity feels, and if this feels right to you then that's something to be proud of. Don't forget you can be whoever you want to and you don't have to change for anyone else. As long as it makes you happy, your identity is valid.

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Adding to what was already said: Even if this was just because you're too young (which I don't think), there's no damage in identifying as aromantic. I've heard that you tend to notice if you've got a crush on somebody, so even if you are wrong you'll notice once it becomes relevant.

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You're not too young at all! I was about 14 when I realized that I was aromantic because, like you, I hated romance in television/books and couldn't understand why I didn't have "crushes" like my friends were describing them. I ignored this discovery and tried to convince myself that I wasn't aromantic for awhile. But now, I'm 19 and I realize that that's what I truly am. If you really have no urge to change the fact that you're not in a relationship, then don't. Your peace of mind and your thoughts on dating are a priority and you shouldn't change that just because you feel pressured to. There's nothing wrong with you for not experiencing the same desires as "everyone else" because there are plenty of aromantic people who feel the same way. For me, what helped with coming to terms with my own aromanticism, was going on youtube and watching other aromantic people sharing their stories. I realized that 1) I could relate to many of their stories and 2) that there were a lot more of us than I had previously thought. The road to self discovery can be difficult, but on arocalypse, there are plenty of people who can support you on your journey! Just know that your feelings are completely valid and that you deserve to live your life any way that you want to live it. 

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You may occasionally hear the 'late bloomer' narrative, and it's probably fair to assume that some people start feeling attraction or gaining interest in things later. However, there's absolutely no reason to assume that has to be the case! What you are describing sounds like textbook aromantic to me. 

 

I would caution in general, though, be aware that labels like 'aromantic' are tools! If there comes a time where you're not sure if it fits you anymore, it's totally fine to recontextualize your experiences and identify as something else instead. It happens to folks all the time, that one word fits them for a while and then they find that something else fits better. It's much healthier to be open to changing the word for your experiences as needed, then to lean too hard into a label and think that anything you experience forever must fit under that word. But with that in mind, I wouldn't see an issue with using the term aromantic at any age, if it suits you- and it sounds like it does. 

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@Whistle  @Cheerio  @Tagor  @Chibi Sam Winchester   @DavidMS703

 

Thank you all for your responses. What you said really makes me feel better and more valid in what I feel :)

I feel like I'm definitely in the right place here.

I think I label myself as aromantic, but I'll wait to come out to my friends and family.

 

 @Cheerio You mentioned youtubers, could you recommend any? I searched youtube but most of the stuff that popped up wasn't about aromanticism, instead it was about romance. That would be really helpful.

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On 9/19/2019 at 12:29 PM, Emerald said:

@Whistle  @Cheerio  @Tagor  @Chibi Sam Winchester   @DavidMS703

 

Thank you all for your responses. What you said really makes me feel better and more valid in what I feel :)

I feel like I'm definitely in the right place here.

I think I label myself as aromantic, but I'll wait to come out to my friends and family.

 

 @Cheerio You mentioned youtubers, could you recommend any? I searched youtube but most of the stuff that popped up wasn't about aromanticism, instead it was about romance. That would be really helpful.

Sure! Connie Glynn is definitely a good one. So are yasmin benoit, Blue Pheonix Ace, and Celeste M! All of them have a bunch of stuff about aromanticism. There are also coming out videos by a YouTubers Nik Hamshire and one by Eva Abidin. Their entire channel isn't dedicated to aromanticism but I totally related to and appreciated their coming out videos. Also, if you go onto youtube and just type in "aromantic", things should pop up!

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