Prom Season

[peridotty]

Soooooo like many others here, I'm in high school. It's almost May which means, unfortunately, that Prom Season is upon us. Expect hallways full of hormonal teenagers, near-constant declarations of undying love, and the endless "so who are *you* taking to prom??"

 

idk lol im sick and tired of it let's complain here

 

also, fun and clever ways to avoid the amatonormativity prom season always brings (with it the choking cloud of hetero nonsense)!

[omitef]

Oh my god hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaa *self-effacing and pained laughing*

 

I hate prom for multiple reasons, but the reasons that specifically have to do with being queer are:

• Enforcing the gender binary. Guys are supposed to be in a tux, girls are supposed to be in a dress. There are actual rules about this. Have fun if you're outside of the gender binary, or don't conform to gender norms, or if you're trans. Also, guys are supposed to ask girls to prom, which brings me to the second point...
• Sexism. Expectations for guys to be the "active initiator" and girls to be the "passive receiver" when it comes to taking people out to prom, driving people to and from prom, and asking people to dance at prom. Newsflash, not all guys want to initiate, and not all girls want to receive. Also, girls getting killed because they turned down an offer to go to prom with someone.
• Heteronormativity. Guys are supposed to ask girls. Okay, so if you're queer, who asks first? If you're non-binary, do you just flail around and hope senpai notices you? And if senpai does notice you, are the two of you even allowed to go? And what if you're poly? Why can't you take multiple dates to prom? (My school doesn't allow it.)
• Amatonormativity. Oh, right, people say that they're not going to assume you and the person you go with are a romantic couple. Except so many people do go to prom with their romantic partners. Have fun if you want to take your queerplatonic partner, or if you're super good friends with someone of the gender you're attracted to, or if you're super good friends with someone of a gender you're not attracted to, and want to have your sexuality questioned and invalidated for days after. And of course, if you're aro and/or ace, have fun trying to convince people you're not a cold, selfish prick for turning down requests, especially if they start getting romantic or sexual.
• Ableism. People who are either physically disabled or neurodivergent being asked to prom, and then being turned into bloody inspiration porn, like the abled, neurotypical person is a frickin' hero for asking the other person to prom. And by the way, autism isn't even a disability or a disease, it's a different brain type. Please stuff your mouth up with my ally cookies and stop talking.
• Classism. Because all people are able to afford buying a $30~$70 prom ticket, plus formal clothes, plus a boutonniere, plus a limo (is that even a thing anymore), plus a greasy breakfast at McDonald's the next morning to treat their terrible hangover.

Omitef's guide to allocating aros away from the prom-allos:

• Go stag. No, literally, go stag. If any allo tries to ask you to prom, put your hands on your head to mimic stag antlers, and then grunt at them until they go away. For added humour, actually show up to prom dressed as a stag, and continue grunting dismissively at allos.
• Go with friends. Print out life-size, cardboard cutouts of Rachel, Monica, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross. Drag them with you to prom. If anyone attempts to dance with you at prom, grab a cardboard cutout and waltz aggressively. Bonus points if you can convince the actual actors from "Friends" to help you out.
• Freak out. When an allo attempts to ask you to prom, look at them in shock and exclaim, "What? You can see me? But...but I thought I was invisible! I thought you said I didn't exist!" If they are confused, keep asking them why they have magical aro-detection powers. "How long have you been able to do this? You don't mean...oh, are you? Are you one of them? Are you...one of us?" And then start chanting, "one of us, one of us" until they walk away with as much fear as a child who has just realized that Santa Claus is not actually real.
• Dye. Call upon your inner Marcus-who-bought-100-watermelons-in-all-those-third-grade-math-problems, and buy an obscene amount of dyes in the colour of your favourite aromantic flag. Proceed to dyeing everything you own in the aro colours until you're a brilliant mess. The allos must know that you are to be avoided like the plague. It worked for the poison dart frogs in the Amazon Rain Forest. It has to work for you.  

 

[Mezzo Forte]

I personally was bored to tears at prom since 1) I only started liking dressing nice when dressing nice became wearing a tux instead of a dress, 2) I don't like teenage dancing, 3) once the music gets going, you need to basically scream to maintain conversation, and 4) big crowds tire/overwhelm me. I had no qualms going without a date and nobody tried to pressure me into finding someone, so I had no hiccups just going with my twin and my friends. I didn't have to deal with any of the prom hype regarding who is asking out who either. Honestly, I didn't find the event good or bad at that point, it just wasn't my scene.

 

I guess I don't have any advice because I just kinda avoided the most annoying parts without trying. Still, if you have friends who don't tend to obsess over the kind of stuff you'd associate with prom, just spend more time with them for the time being!

[DannyFenton123]

Ugh, prom stuff

[Spud]

3 hours ago, omitef said:

Dye. Call upon your inner Marcus-who-bought-100-watermelons-in-all-those-third-grade-math-problems, and buy an obscene amount of dyes in the colour of your favourite aromantic flag. Proceed to dyeing everything you own in the aro colours until you're a brilliant mess. The allos must know that you are to be avoided like the plague. It worked for the poison dart frogs in the Amazon Rain Forest. It has to work for you.  

Hair already dyed colors of ace pride flag. Mission accomplished

 

No, but seriously. I have an 8th grade dance rather than prom, and I want to go, but only with my friends. The only problem is that a lot of people think I'm gay (and I have been assumed twice that I was dating one of my best friends-- of the same sex). So it's gonna feel slightly uncomfortable. No matter what I say or do, people assume things about me. It's not that I'm homophobic or have a problem with being gay, but it gets really tiring to have to deal with people thinking I'm gay just because some of my friends are (or having them assume I'm dating said friends).

[omitef]

@Spud I can relate. People always think I'm dating my squish. This ridiculous bisexual dude we met while we were gaming together actually PM'd me and asked me if he could "f*ck my b*tch" in reference to her. It was terrible.

 

I think people always make assumptions no matter what we do. And I think the best thing we can do is exist in defiance of them.

[Mezzo Forte]

36 minutes ago, Spud said:

Hair already dyed colors of ace pride flag. Mission accomplished

 

No, but seriously. I have an 8th grade dance rather than prom, and I want to go, but only with my friends. The only problem is that a lot of people think I'm gay (and I have been assumed twice that I was dating one of my best friends-- of the same sex). So it's gonna feel slightly uncomfortable. No matter what I say or do, people assume things about me. It's not that I'm homophobic or have a problem with being gay, but it gets really tiring to have to deal with people thinking I'm gay just because some of my friends are (or having them assume I'm dating said friends).

 

I feel you about the being presumed gay situation. The whole idea is that they're assuming you're something that you're not, which tends to feel disingenuous to just play along with, especially when the identity everyone is assigning to you is that of an oppressed orientation (with potentially very different ramifications to asexuality/aromanticism).

[peridotty]

9 hours ago, omitef said:

Go stag. No, literally, go stag. If any allo tries to ask you to prom, put your hands on your head to mimic stag antlers, and then grunt at them until they go away. For added humour, actually show up to prom dressed as a stag, and continue grunting dismissively at allos.

 

i would.....actually do this.......omg

[Lume]

Prom... I am so glad that this is not a thing in Europe (at least not in Germany, although there are imitations like Abiball). It sounds like the real aromantic and asexual nightmare. Is it really such a social pressure? Like, can you not just not go?

[peridotty]

Just now, Lume said:

Prom... I am so glad that this is not a thing in Europe (at least not in Germany, although there are imitations like Abiball). It sounds like the real aromantic and asexual nightmare. Is it really such a social pressure? Like, can you not just not go?

 

frankly there are a lot of people who literally just don't go, but people always find some sort of issue with that - like, you're """allowed""" to not want to go if you and your date had a messy breakup, or for some other romance-associated reason, but mostly if you say "I'm not going," people interpret that as "I'm single and a loser." :////

[Lume]

Quote

frankly there are a lot of people who literally just don't go, but people always find some sort of issue with that - like, you're """allowed""" to not want to go if you and your date had a messy breakup, or for some other romance-associated reason, but mostly if you say "I'm not going," people interpret that as "I'm single and a loser." :////

 

Ugh, that's what I meant by "social pressure". That is really the worst. When I was a teen, I almost never attended any school party (and they were definitely not amatonormative, just partying with your class mates), but I had not the impression that anyone bothered, for I was known to be a "loner" and not a "party animal" anyway. I was not the only one, by the way. But from what I have seen (in TV shows, admittedly), US high schools are very, how shall I say, social-oriented. Or even collective-oriented. When you are just pissed off with that, and tend to head home to your own stuff after class, you don't get much far, do you? Is my impression right? Of course, that's a lot of pressure, and it takes a lot of chuzpe to hold your head up high when you keep aways from that socialising. 

[owl]

Oh man, we had our secondary school prom last year. Me and my friends didn't go (most of us just weren't interested, way too much money to spend on tickets as well) so we all went to play laser tag and the arcade instead. Much cheaper and more fun. 

 

Can you go with a group of (single) friends? Or just plan something else with them?

15 hours ago, omitef said:

Oh my god hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaa *self-effacing and pained laughing*

 

I hate prom for multiple reasons, but the reasons that specifically have to do with being queer are:

• Enforcing the gender binary. Guys are supposed to be in a tux, girls are supposed to be in a dress. There are actual rules about this. Have fun if you're outside of the gender binary, or don't conform to gender norms, or if you're trans. Also, guys are supposed to ask girls to prom, which brings me to the second point...
• Sexism. Expectations for guys to be the "active initiator" and girls to be the "passive receiver" when it comes to taking people out to prom, driving people to and from prom, and asking people to dance at prom. Newsflash, not all guys want to initiate, and not all girls want to receive. Also, girls getting killed because they turned down an offer to go to prom with someone.
• Heteronormativity. Guys are supposed to ask girls. Okay, so if you're queer, who asks first? If you're non-binary, do you just flail around and hope senpai notices you? And if senpai does notice you, are the two of you even allowed to go? And what if you're poly? Why can't you take multiple dates to prom? (My school doesn't allow it.)
• Amatonormativity. Oh, right, people say that they're not going to assume you and the person you go with are a romantic couple. Except so many people do go to prom with their romantic partners. Have fun if you want to take your queerplatonic partner, or if you're super good friends with someone of the gender you're attracted to, or if you're super good friends with someone of a gender you're not attracted to, and want to have your sexuality questioned and invalidated for days after. And of course, if you're aro and/or ace, have fun trying to convince people you're not a cold, selfish prick for turning down requests, especially if they start getting romantic or sexual.
• Ableism. People who are either physically disabled or neurodivergent being asked to prom, and then being turned into bloody inspiration porn, like the abled, neurotypical person is a frickin' hero for asking the other person to prom. And by the way, autism isn't even a disability or a disease, it's a different brain type. Please stuff your mouth up with my ally cookies and stop talking.
• Classism. Because all people are able to afford buying a $30~$70 prom ticket, plus formal clothes, plus a boutonniere, plus a limo (is that even a thing anymore), plus a greasy breakfast at McDonald's the next morning to treat their terrible hangover.

 

So much this... Out of my group of friends who considered going, we had a (closeted except to us) trans girl and she wouldn't be able to wear a dress (I don't think we had rules against it, but people would have bullied her to no end) and another (cis) girl who wanted to wear a suit but again, already getting teased for it (I also wanted to wear a suit, I hate dresses) so they really didn't want to go.

 

I think the whole idea of teens dressing up in fancy, formal, somewhat revealing clothes and to show off is.... somewhat creepy.

[nightfury326]

My school enforced Hetero dating for the prom, so I never went. My prom night was spent watching a rerun of The Monkees . 

[breaddd]

I kind of want to go to prom or dances just to fuck with people's cishetnormativity. Like, maybe I'll ask one of my friends who is also a trans guy to go. Either way, we're still a gay couple at a dance. Tbh I'd probably want to leave after entering and making people gasp at our queerness. Other than blowing norms out of the water, I don't want to go.

I went to one dance this year with some friends that I just met at the beginning of the year and I decided that that would be the last dance I stay at for over 10 minutes  

[Namakemono]

I experienced the wonders of Senior prom last year. It wasn't anything special or memorable. It actually really sucked. At least my school didn't enforce heteronormative standards. Two of my DFAB transguy friends went together, both in suits. I went without a date, and plenty of my friends did too, so that was nice.

 

Oddly enough, my biggest complaint was that besides the limited food selection, the music choice was terrible. The playlist was composed of bizarre dubstep-esque remixes of the current hits on the radio...and exactly two slow songs: one of which was played when the King and Queen were announced, and another right after. So us common folk only had one slow song. I was really looking forward to dancing with my friends to the slow songs...

 

So my best friend and I pretty much spent the whole night at our table, flicking little bits of paper into the tiny fancy candles that decorated the table. It was a waste of money and I regret going tbh.

[nightfury326]

1 minute ago, Namakemono said:

Oddly enough, my biggest complaint was that besides the limited food selection, the music choice was terrible. The playlist was composed of bizarre dubstep-esque remixes of the current hits on the radio...and exactly two slow songs: one of which was played when the King and Queen were announced, and another right after. So us common folk only had one slow song. I was really looking forward to dancing with my friends to the slow songs...

 

So my best friend and I pretty much spent the whole night at our table, flicking little bits of paper into the tiny fancy candles that decorated the table. It was a waste of money and I regret going tbh.

I actually had that happen at a "prom" like party in college, but they didn't enforce hetero there so I went with a group of friends. Haven't they ever heard of variety? 

[PhysicsOwl]

I went to Prom (but not Junior Prom, because I wasn't dealing with it twice). I didn't really want to go because I hate dressing up and pop music, but I figured I only had one shot to go and it would be a fun last hurrah for high school, so I might as well. I was planning on going with a bunch of my friends, but they slowly all started getting dates until everyone at my table of 12 (idk, thats how ours was organized) had a date except me and one of my best guy friends. We decided together that it made more sense for us to go together than to 11th and 12th wheel, so we did. Our friends were sad that our plan to go together was so boring, but it was pragmatic rather than romantic so I liked it better that way. It was nice to have a designated person to hang out with, but we would have hung out anyway, and we spent a lot of time with the other people at our table. So it was dumb that we "had" to go as dates but I didn't mind because it ended up being purely platonic and fun and we took some nice pictures together. I got out of a lot of talk about dates by not wanting to go, so my friends were happy enough I was going that they didn't care I was planning on going alone. In general, I spent a lot more time talking about dresses than dates, but I will admit I enjoyed hearing all the gossip about who everyone else went with and how they got asked even though it was dumb and I spent a lot of time judging people. 

 

I would definitely say I don't like Prom as an institution and what it represents, but my own Prom experience ended up being pretty good. 

[Spud]

3 hours ago, Simowl said:

So much this... Out of my group of friends who considered going, we had a (closeted except to us) trans girl and she wouldn't be able to wear a dress (I don't think we had rules against it, but people would have bullied her to no end) and another (cis) girl who wanted to wear a suit but again, already getting teased for it (I also wanted to wear a suit, I hate dresses) so they really didn't want to go.

As a person who despises both dresses/skirts and suits, I have yet to find a good "fancy" alternative >_>

[aihpen]

10 hours ago, Lume said:

Prom... I am so glad that this is not a thing in Europe (at least not in Germany, although there are imitations like Abiball). It sounds like the real aromantic and asexual nightmare. Is it really such a social pressure? Like, can you not just not go?

Oh yes! When I hear Americans talk about prom, I'm so glad about what out Abiball was like. No one cared if you had a date, no one cared what gender your date was if you decided to bring one. A guy who sat at my table brought his boyfriend and no one cared. The only people I brought were my parents and again no one cared. Actually there were lots of people only bringing their parents and maybe siblings. When I hear all these things about prom, that is just terrifying. My thoughts are with all of you who go through this hard time (I feel like I'm at a funeral).

[Namakemono]

6 hours ago, cowgirl326 said:

I actually had that happen at a "prom" like party in college, but they didn't enforce hetero there so I went with a group of friends. Haven't they ever heard of variety? 

Yeah, it's like they asked

 

"hey what are the kids listening too nowadays? Oh? Those songs? Hey...don't they still like dubstep? Ok hear me out but.....combine them."

 

"Karen, that's brilliant. We're promoting you to PTA president next year." 

 

[Lume]

Quote

The only people I brought were my parents and again no one cared. Actually there were lots of people only bringing their parents and maybe siblings.

 

So did I, I brought my parents and my sister, and my sister did the same, only including our grandmother who was a widow by then. It was stupid enough and I really regretted going there, but as it was linked to the handing-over of certificates I felt I had to go. But we left right after dinner and after my friend's performance (she participated in the "fun part", which included a men ballet ). But it was so annoying how many of my classmates, mostly girls, bought ball gowns and took dancing lessons for that occasion, and all dull worshipping and show gratefulness towards our teachers .

[Mezzo Forte]

15 hours ago, Spud said:

As a person who despises both dresses/skirts and suits, I have yet to find a good "fancy" alternative >_>

 

For the moments when I've had to dress particularly flashy as a soloist, I had these flowy silk tops that kind of reminded me of 70s disco fashion. Maybe look up different decades of fashion and see if there's anything fancy looking that you might like! (I also have this glorious purple leopard-print jacket that extends down to the knees, and that also worked well for soloist situations in high school haha)

 

I also was recently "that guy" who crashed a school of business event to spend time with my sis. Everyone was in suits/dresses, I was in a short-sleeve tropical shirt (with parrots on it), a waistcoat, dress pants, and converse.

[aihpen]

The worst thing for me was probably the hospital. I hate hospitals and the doctors at our hospital don't either do a terrible job or don't speak my language  I had to go because my foot doubled its size and was hurting like crazy. At least I then had a good excuse not to dance and no one could tell me otherwise 

[Cassiopeia]

Europe has its own hetero-amatonormative tradition hell.

Our variety of prom was a lot more formal, a white tie event with classical music and a choreographed ballroom dance. (And yes, all the cheesy figures were included, the boys had to go on one knee, the girls were lifted up, dipped back, we did bowing and curtsey things like five times)

It was more like a performance than a party, the "dates" were paired up by teachers based on height and appearance, so the whole thing would look professional. The attendance was pretty much mandatory, and the rehearsals were part of the curriculum. The dress code was very strict, tux, white ties, white gloves for the boys, and a sleeveless, open back floor-length, gown in white with a hooped underskirt, white gloves and heels for the girls. Tattoos had to be covered up, no unnatural hair colours, no "extreme jewelry".  I was lucky enough to escape the heels part-only because I'm tall, and there were not enough boys over six feet. And of course everyone's whole damn extended family would show up to see their graduating kids all grown up, cleaned up, adulting.

It was an acting gig with a hint of late 1870s arranged marriage elements, fake smiles, boredom, nervousness.

Been there, done that. Whatever.

 

My advice would be:

-if you can't escape it, just try to detach yourself

-think of it as acting, its just a role

-don't drink to forget afterwards

[Zema]

Didn't have a prom as you describe it. We had a "formal" which was basically most of the year 12s at my school going to an event in formal wear. You could if you wanted to, but i don't like dancing so i didn't. Noone cared if you brought a date and I'm pretty sure all the guys on my table (10 of us) didn't bring a date. 

 

They did make the whole level do a dance practice. All the dances were ones where you changed partner. I didn't like it. The worst part was we had to hold the hands of the other person, and some people's hands were sweaty, some were cold, and others were cold and sweaty. Ew.