Prom Season

[Lume]

Quote

Our variety of prom was a lot more formal, a white tie event with classical music and a choreographed ballroom dance. (And yes, all the cheesy figures were included, the boys had to go on one knee, the girls were lifted up, dipped back, we did bowing and curtsey things like five times)

 

What was that? Wiener Opernball? Presentation at Court? I have never heard of such things being compulsive  or even very common. But I guess it depends on your region, class and other stuff.

[Mark]

On 25/04/2016 at 2:59 AM, omitef said:

I hate prom for multiple reasons, but the reasons that specifically have to do with being queer are:

• Sexism. Expectations for guys to be the "active initiator" and girls to be the "passive receiver" when it comes to taking people out to prom, driving people to and from prom, and asking people to dance at prom. Newsflash, not all guys want to initiate, and not all girls want to receive.

 

With it being difficult for girls who's natural role is "active initiator" and (especially) for guys who's natural role is "passive receiver". The former will most likely get abuse for breaking the rules, but be able to find dates. The latter will be assumed to be uninterested, possible gay, but not going to get asked (unless lucky enough to be found attractive by one of the former.)

 

On 25/04/2016 at 2:59 AM, omitef said:

• Heteronormativity. Guys are supposed to ask girls. Okay, so if you're queer, who asks first? If you're non-binary, do you just flail around and hope senpai notices you? And if senpai does notice you, are the two of you even allowed to go? And what if you're poly? Why can't you take multiple dates to prom? (My school doesn't allow it.)
• Amatonormativity. Oh, right, people say that they're not going to assume you and the person you go with are a romantic couple. Except so many people do go to prom with their romantic partners. Have fun if you want to take your queerplatonic partner, or if you're super good friends with someone of the gender you're attracted to, or if you're super good friends with someone of a gender you're not attracted to, and want to have your sexuality questioned and invalidated for days after. And of course, if you're aro and/or ace, have fun trying to convince people you're not a cold, selfish prick for turning down requests, especially if they start getting romantic or sexual.

 

The poly bit makes more sense under "Amantonormativity" than "Heteronormativity".

 

Someone who's alloromantic ace might be fine with romantic stuff, but not sexual. Someone who's aro allosexual might be fine with sexual stuff, but not with romantic. Someone who's aro ace might not want to do either. It would also be possible for someone to be a heteroromantic homosexual or a homoromantic heterosexual whom would also find amantonormative assumptions problematic.

[Mark]

On 25/04/2016 at 7:43 PM, cowgirl326 said:

My school enforced Hetero dating for the prom

 

How awful.

[Cassiopeia]

@Lume Nah, just prom/graduating class ball. Its mostly cultural, considered an average thing. It isn't even fancy, the whole class got a deal for the rented costumes. I think at the time my monthly bus pass was more than the whole prom thing.

[Dodecahedron314]

The only reason I went to my senior prom was the fact that I got donated a ticket by this community organization that was basically just a bunch of old retirees with nothing better to do with their nest eggs than throw money at low-income high school seniors so they could have the ~•*•~full high school experience~•*•~ or whatever--prom tickets, prom dresses, yearbooks, etc. I didn't enjoy it all that much, but honestly it was much less awful than it could have been. A bunch of my friends all chipped in on a limo because one of them had a mom who insisted on it, and so we rode in a limo and listened to the then-new Fall Out Boy Album all the way there while playing the "would you push the button?" game, and it was pretty much the most stereotypically high school thing I've ever done in my life. Only one of us had a date, so the rest of us just kind of chilled on a couch in a corner that just so happened to be conveniently located near the chocolate fountain, away from all the loud music. I did wear a dress, if only in solidarity with my QPP who would have had to wear one if he'd gone because his family was being a bunch of transphobic <insert suitably harsh expletive here>s. 

 

So yeah. Thankfully it was relatively painless, because I had a bunch of good friends who had the same idea I did of "who needs dates, anyway?", though to the best of my knowledge none of them are aro. That's definitely the way I recommend doing it, if possible. 

[peridotty]

yikes so against my better judgement i agreed to go to q-eer prom with my friends and... i mean itll be better than Het Prom bcos of obvious reasons, but theres going to be fewer people there and also its space themed so.... ill be okay? i can rein in my raging aromantic tendencies for a couple hours to hang out with q-eer kids in the next city over probably, especially because space is a primary interest of mine && its supposed to be Way Casual

 

anyone else going to a q-eer prom? what are your reasons?

[artemis]

Before I discovered that being aro was a thing, this person on my bus kept bugging me about dating, and whenever I said I wasn't interested in dating, her responses were "so you like girls?" or " but you have to start dating somebody before senior year so you can go to prom!"

[PerformativeSurprise]

I considered not having to deal with prom a huge perk of being homeschooled .

[Rose]

On April 24, 2016 at 9:59 PM, omitef said:

Oh my god hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaa *self-effacing and pained laughing*

 

I hate prom for multiple reasons, but the reasons that specifically have to do with being queer are:

• Enforcing the gender binary. Guys are supposed to be in a tux, girls are supposed to be in a dress. There are actual rules about this. Have fun if you're outside of the gender binary, or don't conform to gender norms, or if you're trans. Also, guys are supposed to ask girls to prom, which brings me to the second point...
• Sexism. Expectations for guys to be the "active initiator" and girls to be the "passive receiver" when it comes to taking people out to prom, driving people to and from prom, and asking people to dance at prom. Newsflash, not all guys want to initiate, and not all girls want to receive. Also, girls getting killed because they turned down an offer to go to prom with someone.
• Heteronormativity. Guys are supposed to ask girls. Okay, so if you're queer, who asks first? If you're non-binary, do you just flail around and hope senpai notices you? And if senpai does notice you, are the two of you even allowed to go? And what if you're poly? Why can't you take multiple dates to prom? (My school doesn't allow it.)
• Amatonormativity. Oh, right, people say that they're not going to assume you and the person you go with are a romantic couple. Except so many people do go to prom with their romantic partners. Have fun if you want to take your queerplatonic partner, or if you're super good friends with someone of the gender you're attracted to, or if you're super good friends with someone of a gender you're not attracted to, and want to have your sexuality questioned and invalidated for days after. And of course, if you're aro and/or ace, have fun trying to convince people you're not a cold, selfish prick for turning down requests, especially if they start getting romantic or sexual.
• Ableism. People who are either physically disabled or neurodivergent being asked to prom, and then being turned into bloody inspiration porn, like the abled, neurotypical person is a frickin' hero for asking the other person to prom. And by the way, autism isn't even a disability or a disease, it's a different brain type. Please stuff your mouth up with my ally cookies and stop talking.
• Classism. Because all people are able to afford buying a $30~$70 prom ticket, plus formal clothes, plus a boutonniere, plus a limo (is that even a thing anymore), plus a greasy breakfast at McDonald's the next morning to treat their terrible hangover.

Omitef's guide to allocating aros away from the prom-allos:

• Go stag. No, literally, go stag. If any allo tries to ask you to prom, put your hands on your head to mimic stag antlers, and then grunt at them until they go away. For added humour, actually show up to prom dressed as a stag, and continue grunting dismissively at allos.
• Go with friends. Print out life-size, cardboard cutouts of Rachel, Monica, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross. Drag them with you to prom. If anyone attempts to dance with you at prom, grab a cardboard cutout and waltz aggressively. Bonus points if you can convince the actual actors from "Friends" to help you out.
• Freak out. When an allo attempts to ask you to prom, look at them in shock and exclaim, "What? You can see me? But...but I thought I was invisible! I thought you said I didn't exist!" If they are confused, keep asking them why they have magical aro-detection powers. "How long have you been able to do this? You don't mean...oh, are you? Are you one of them? Are you...one of us?" And then start chanting, "one of us, one of us" until they walk away with as much fear as a child who has just realized that Santa Claus is not actually real.
• Dye. Call upon your inner Marcus-who-bought-100-watermelons-in-all-those-third-grade-math-problems, and buy an obscene amount of dyes in the colour of your favourite aromantic flag. Proceed to dyeing everything you own in the aro colours until you're a brilliant mess. The allos must know that you are to be avoided like the plague. It worked for the poison dart frogs in the Amazon Rain Forest. It has to work for you.  

 

I kept trying to find my favorite part of this to quote but the whole thing had me breaking down laughing over what has been one of the most stressful points of contention with the family--thank you beyond words--I needed that.

[omitef]

@Rose Good! I'm glad I could make you laugh over this. But I'm sorry that you are fighting with your family because of prom. Are you okay?

[Elluna Hellen]

This isn't really a thing in the Netherlands, but my secondary school did have a (boring) rip-off of it. I went with my friends, but did do the dressing nice thing. Everybody thought i looked AMAZING. I thought I looked like not me I also didn't think it was that fun honestly.   Literally people were so hyped over it and me and my friend were just like 'eeeeeh, wasn't that greaaaat...'

On 26-4-2016 at 4:40 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Europe has its own hetero-amatonormative tradition hell.

Our variety of prom was a lot more formal, a white tie event with classical music and a choreographed ballroom dance. (And yes, all the cheesy figures were included, the boys had to go on one knee, the girls were lifted up, dipped back, we did bowing and curtsey things like five times)

It was more like a performance than a party, the "dates" were paired up by teachers based on height and appearance, so the whole thing would look professional. The attendance was pretty much mandatory, and the rehearsals were part of the curriculum. The dress code was very strict, tux, white ties, white gloves for the boys, and a sleeveless, open back floor-length, gown in white with a hooped underskirt, white gloves and heels for the girls. Tattoos had to be covered up, no unnatural hair colours, no "extreme jewelry".  I was lucky enough to escape the heels part-only because I'm tall, and there were not enough boys over six feet. And of course everyone's whole damn extended family would show up to see their graduating kids all grown up, cleaned up, adulting.

It was an acting gig with a hint of late 1870s arranged marriage elements, fake smiles, boredom, nervousness.

Been there, done that. Whatever.

 

My advice would be:

-if you can't escape it, just try to detach yourself

-think of it as acting, its just a role

-don't drink to forget afterwards

 

OMG. that sounds so awkward! At the same time it also sounds... At least a little more interesting than my end of school dance thing. Sounds like a fun little act to me, though of course I would've ruined everything with my entirely graceless way of dancing.. and walking in heels... let alone DANCING IN HEELS.... Yeah. They wouldn't want me there

[Rose]

@omitef Ahh thanks for the concern. Prom is over and much of the "why don't you want to date someone it's amazing and wonderful?!?!" has died off a bit--thankfully.  

[omitef]

@Rose That's good. I'm glad. If you ever need someone to help you encourage allos to embrace the death of "why don't you want to date someone it's amazing and wonderful?!?!", let me know.

[Confirmed Bachelor]

I went to the prom alone and just hung out with friends. But many of you may be surprised to find out in previous generations having a date was a requirement to attend the prom. You weren't allowed to go alone. It's still an event for couples even though it's not mandatory anymore. That's how messed up things are. 

[aussiekirkland]

It's rant time!

 

So our year 12 ball (aka prom) was coming up and I reeeaaally didn't want to go, for many reasons.

 

1) I had already been with my at the time boyfriend in year 11 so I just really didn't feel like it was necessary to go again (also because it was soooo boring)

2) Private school balls are /fucking expensive/. I'm talking $200 for a ticket, $300+ for a dress and whatever your share is for the limo. I reeeaaally couldn't afford that. Even if I were to wear my old dress it was still way too much money.

3) I had put on weight and was feeling super bad about myself, and possibly slightly dysphoric at the thought of wearing a dress and make-up and prancing around and getting pictures taken.

4) I didn't like the people I was going with at all. We were going in a combined group with my actual friends and people that just sucked to be around.

5) Everyone in my group had dates which wasn't so much a problem as the cherry on top.

 

Even with all these /completely valid reasons/ not to go, people spent over a month begging me to go. They tried to convince me it'd be different just because it was my year group and "so much fun" (I knew otherwise, having been and died of boredom the year prior). One of them even offered to pay for me to go, I kid you not. All of this caused me such a ridiculous amount of stress that there was no way I could put myself through that.

[Zema]

I forgot to mention in my earlier post: On the way to formal last year, my mum was telling me that, "girls like a guy who can dance", to which I responded, "I don't care". Honestly, you'd think she'd've caught on by now

 

Also, when I was actually at the formal, I spent a fair chunk of time doing magic tricks to my friends, or at least people with whom I had made acquaintance. If I didn't bring a deck of cards that night, I probably would have died of boredom in all honesty.

[Juno]

In 10th grade I went to my school prom with a close friend. It was pretty boring. I'm not sure why, but I stayed for all four hours. The first three consisted of pretending I loved other girl's dresses, eating gross food, and awkwardly shuffling to pop music. The last hour was better because there were more people dancing. My school was pretty chill as far as proms go. About 80% of people who came didn't have a date, and one couple was a same sex couple, which everyone seemed fine with. Although most people were dressed up, there was no big pressure to get a really expensive dress or suit, and I highly doubt anyone rented a limo.

About a week later I went to queer prom. I'm ace aro and I went with my best friend, who's bisexual. It was pirate themed, and everyone either came dressed as a pirate, or in jeans or a t-shirt. The music was way better than at my school prom, and people were way more into the dancing. In response to @peridotty, I know the group that organizes the queer prom in my area, and they are very inclusive. I consider myself queer, as I am not straight. I though it would be fun to spend an evening dancing and spending time with my best friend, and to have a moment without heteronormativity.

I don't plan on going to school proms again, but queer prom was fun. I wasn't able to go in 11th grade because I was out of town, but hopefully I will get to go next year. (Also, I'm 95% sure the queer prom I went to was organized by the same group as the one peridotty went to judging by their location according to their profile, and the theme of the prom. But that was the year i was out of town.)

[shotinthehand]

On April 24, 2016 at 6:59 PM, omitef said:

Oh my god hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaa *self-effacing and pained laughing*

 

I hate prom for multiple reasons, but the reasons that specifically have to do with being queer are:

• Enforcing the gender binary. Guys are supposed to be in a tux, girls are supposed to be in a dress. There are actual rules about this. Have fun if you're outside of the gender binary, or don't conform to gender norms, or if you're trans. Also, guys are supposed to ask girls to prom, which brings me to the second point...
• Sexism. Expectations for guys to be the "active initiator" and girls to be the "passive receiver" when it comes to taking people out to prom, driving people to and from prom, and asking people to dance at prom. Newsflash, not all guys want to initiate, and not all girls want to receive. Also, girls getting killed because they turned down an offer to go to prom with someone.
• Heteronormativity. Guys are supposed to ask girls. Okay, so if you're queer, who asks first? If you're non-binary, do you just flail around and hope senpai notices you? And if senpai does notice you, are the two of you even allowed to go? And what if you're poly? Why can't you take multiple dates to prom? (My school doesn't allow it.)
• Amatonormativity. Oh, right, people say that they're not going to assume you and the person you go with are a romantic couple. Except so many people do go to prom with their romantic partners. Have fun if you want to take your queerplatonic partner, or if you're super good friends with someone of the gender you're attracted to, or if you're super good friends with someone of a gender you're not attracted to, and want to have your sexuality questioned and invalidated for days after. And of course, if you're aro and/or ace, have fun trying to convince people you're not a cold, selfish prick for turning down requests, especially if they start getting romantic or sexual.
• Ableism. People who are either physically disabled or neurodivergent being asked to prom, and then being turned into bloody inspiration porn, like the abled, neurotypical person is a frickin' hero for asking the other person to prom. And by the way, autism isn't even a disability or a disease, it's a different brain type. Please stuff your mouth up with my ally cookies and stop talking.
• Classism. Because all people are able to afford buying a $30~$70 prom ticket, plus formal clothes, plus a boutonniere, plus a limo (is that even a thing anymore), plus a greasy breakfast at McDonald's the next morning to treat their terrible hangover.

Omitef's guide to allocating aros away from the prom-allos:

• Go stag. No, literally, go stag. If any allo tries to ask you to prom, put your hands on your head to mimic stag antlers, and then grunt at them until they go away. For added humour, actually show up to prom dressed as a stag, and continue grunting dismissively at allos.
• Go with friends. Print out life-size, cardboard cutouts of Rachel, Monica, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross. Drag them with you to prom. If anyone attempts to dance with you at prom, grab a cardboard cutout and waltz aggressively. Bonus points if you can convince the actual actors from "Friends" to help you out.
• Freak out. When an allo attempts to ask you to prom, look at them in shock and exclaim, "What? You can see me? But...but I thought I was invisible! I thought you said I didn't exist!" If they are confused, keep asking them why they have magical aro-detection powers. "How long have you been able to do this? You don't mean...oh, are you? Are you one of them? Are you...one of us?" And then start chanting, "one of us, one of us" until they walk away with as much fear as a child who has just realized that Santa Claus is not actually real.
• Dye. Call upon your inner Marcus-who-bought-100-watermelons-in-all-those-third-grade-math-problems, and buy an obscene amount of dyes in the colour of your favourite aromantic flag. Proceed to dyeing everything you own in the aro colours until you're a brilliant mess. The allos must know that you are to be avoided like the plague. It worked for the poison dart frogs in the Amazon Rain Forest. It has to work for you.  

 

This made me laugh out loud incredibly hard; thank you.

My best friend and I call each other "moose" and that makes the "going stag" bit even funnier.

[Swablu]

My friends and I all showed up to prom as a big clump :U  technically we all had dates, so we could end up all at the same tables and so people in different years could still come.

The dancing was super lame (the dj just played hip hop songs that all sounded the same?? A few here and there is fine but.  Some melody during the night would have been fun.  There was exactly one slow dance song.) 

The best part, though, was that we all rented a room (this took place in a hotel) and after a while we ditched and went there.  Contrary to popular belief we did not all get drunk, but we did chow down on junk food until 3 in the morning and watch cartoons (- there were 7 people so I slept on the floor mm comfy -) then did the same when we woke up the next morning.

 

I guess my point is, prom is super stupid and you should make one that fits you, whether that's an afterparty with all your friends and big bowls of chocolate, or having your own party, or just picking a day to hang out with your friends, or even not celebrating it at all.

Prom is supposed to be a reward for graduating, a thing to celebrate everyone getting through school and if your school's prom doesn't do that for you don't feel bad about taking things into your own hands and making a celebration that you will enjoy in an atmosphere where you can be yourself.

[Louis On Air]

My prom was actually really great: I spent lots of time with my friends, I danced the second-hardest, only beaten by my best friend, it was great to be around people who like me have grown so much over the past 5 years, and it was a great send off with no hostility. Thing is, everyone was there so I felt so connected and good with all these people around me and I really felt part of something which got rid of all the doubt and introvercy I`d felt during exams. I was free. Obviously not all proms are discos that happen just before you move onto the next rung on the ladder of life but this was that.

 

Note how romance has not been mentioned once.

[UncommonNonsense]

I skipped mine.  

 

In all honestly, I was just so fucking *done* with HS at that point.  If my mother hadn't had been a teacher, I'd have dropped out the moment it became legal for me to do so and gotten my GED at Night School with the adults.  I hated everything that was high school by the point that prom came along.  

Also, at that point in my life, I was dealing with a lot of dysphoria about my female body and the social expectations placed on me about dressing feminine, even though I didn't know I was agender at the time... back in 1995, no one knew that agender people existed.  All I knew was that I totally loathed having to dress up in girly clothes (though I didn't mind men's formal-wear at all and often wore elements of men's formal clothing to school as my 'everyday' clothes, like dress shirts and waistcoats) and was absolutely repelled by the idea of having to wear cosmetics and put gross, stinky, sticky hair spray in my hair.  

 

So when my parents started making noise about me going to prom, I said "You force this, I drop out!".  They knew I meant it by this time, and they backed off in record time!  I'd been likening high school to involuntary unjust incarceration in a prison full of idiotic savages for years by this time, and they knew how much I hated everything to do with high school.. well, I didn't mind the work or the classes, and I got along with most of the teachers.. it was the social shit, perpetrated by conformist, homophobic, xenophobic social addicts that I hated with a passion.  But that stuff tainted everything else, so it was all a huge toxic mess to me and others like me.  So when I threatened to drop out, my family knew I'd do it, and they'd legally have no way to force me to return.  By then, I was even willing to risk being kicked out of my home for dropping out... *that's* how deeply I felt about all this crap.

 

Unfortunately, I still had to get through Graduation, which was a big, formal ceremony at my school.  I put my foot down over the dress-thing, and was allowed to wear a navy blue pant suit, but I was still forced to submit to the icky make-up and nasty hair goo.  At least there wasn't the social expectation of going with a (hetero, romantic) date at Grad, though...  Still awful, but not as awful as Prom!

[iridescent-apatosaurus]

On 4/27/2016 at 4:54 AM, Lume said:

 

What was that? Wiener Opernball? Presentation at Court? I have never heard of such things being compulsive  or even very common. But I guess it depends on your region, class and other stuff.

It's called the Yule Ball.

 

 

In all seriousness, I've heard that some non-aros are now going to prom w/ friends.   (i.e Without dates)

Maybe this'll start to be a thing????

Either way though,  there are still extremely annoying/herteronormative things about prom.

[paporomantic]

I don't understand at all why America has this stupid tradition of school prom. Even alloroms can feel uncomfortable being pressed to do romantic acts necessarily with a classmate, out of all people in the world.

[Dodgypotato]

13 hours ago, iridescent-apatosaurus said:

It's called the Yule Ball.

 

 

In all seriousness, I've heard that some non-aros are now going to prom w/ friends.   (i.e Without dates)

Maybe this'll start to be a thing????

Either way though,  there are still extremely annoying/herteronormative things about prom.

People have been going to 'prom' with friends for a long time now, right? It's just that (social) media tends to put the romance in the spotlight as usual.

 

School formal in Australia is probably way different, but the majority of people go without dates here.

[Hey you in the corner]

I went to my prom with a group of friends. It was fun, there was no pressure to get a date for those of us who were single. We simply had a good time with each other and left the couples to dance to the slow romantic songs while we singles hung out and talked on the sidelines.