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ameddin73

I just realized I'm aro... and I have to come out to my partner.

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Hi everyone! I'm Alex and I'm new here as of about an hour ago. I'm a software engineer, I ride a motorcycle, I like to do improv comedy, I workout, and I love TV/anime/video games.

I was also hoping I could get your help.

 

It's all in the title. I've had a few failed relationships in the past, and the idea that I could be aro has floated around. It's not until now, in my first real relationship (at 25), that I've really considered it seriously. I did a lot of research on reddit and read that anagnori list - and basically every point sounded like me. In some ways it's really relieving finally knowing why I'm repulsed by the idea of kissing or holding the hand of someone I genuinely love. Turns out I just don't love them romantically.

 

On the other hand, I'm really sad, fearful, and doubtful. I'm very sexually active and commitment-phobic, so I keep thinking maybe I'm just searching for an excuse for broken hearts in my past. Maybe I just feel bad that I don't love my partner the way they love me. I'm afraid because I feel like I've been lying this whole time, and I know I have to come out to them and I don't want to lose a what we have - at least platonically and physically. We're going to be having a conversation today. Finally I'm sad, because the idea of a romantic relationship seems amazing. It's something I've always wanted and dreamed of. Admitting to myself I'm aro means admitting I'll never have that.

 

So... sorry for dropping all that on y'all. I'm excited to be a part of this community, and if anything here spoke to you, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

❤️ Alex

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Hey there friend! The scariest part is all this working up toward it. 

You arent lacking in anything and you arent being cruel to your partner. Thats what you need to know first off. I got married impulsively before I came out so I have a husband. 

The best thing you can do is have a frank talk with your partner about how you experience being aro, and what each person's expectations for the relationship going forward is.

In our case, we decided to try an open relationship, then poly, and then back to being open. Everyones relationships with their partners changes over time. That doesnt mean it can't still satisfy BOTH of you and your needs. 

And the positives: you also wont feel the dramatic drop after the honeymoon period that can really stress allos out. Most older allos who have been married for years dont experience the same level of drama younger allos do anyway, at least if theyve been together a really long time. 

And finally: the Internet makes this stuff scarier; most likely they will hear youre aro and then move on. 

But the best thing to do is just be really Frank about each others needs, and Id say you should do that with friends too. 

You got this! Good luck.

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Thanks so much for replying.

Update: I did it and it went great!

 

My partner, as always, was incredibly understanding and helpful. I told them I'd need to set some boundaries, and may not be comfortable with the term partner in the future. We also talked about making sure they don't feel like they're not getting enough out of the relationship. 

 

I feel so much better now. It's a enormous relief not feeling like I'm lying, or have to pretend I feel a way I don't. I still have a lot of doubts about my romantic orientation, but coming out and feeling that relief/that click made me a lot more sure. 

 

I'm really happy to be in this community, and hopefully it can be a resource for me in the future! Even more, I hope my story can be helpful to someone else! 

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19 minutes ago, ameddin73 said:

Thanks so much for replying.

Update: I did it and it went great!

 

My partner, as always, was incredibly understanding and helpful. I told them I'd need to set some boundaries, and may not be comfortable with the term partner in the future. We also talked about making sure they don't feel like they're not getting enough out of the relationship. 

 

I feel so much better now. It's a enormous relief not feeling like I'm lying, or have to pretend I feel a way I don't. I still have a lot of doubts about my romantic orientation, but coming out and feeling that relief/that click made me a lot more sure. 

 

I'm really happy to be in this community, and hopefully it can be a resource for me in the future! Even more, I hope my story can be helpful to someone else! 

 

First and foremost: welcome to the family! We bicker and we hug it out, but we are glad to have you.

 

I'm so happy your coming out went well and that your partner took it well! If you are looking for some nifty relationship terms, queerplatonic and alterous may be useful. (but that could be my inclination to all the niche terms ;p )

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8 minutes ago, Lokiana said:

 

First and foremost: welcome to the family! We bicker and we hug it out, but we are glad to have you.

 

I'm so happy your coming out went well and that your partner took it well! If you are looking for some nifty relationship terms, queerplatonic and alterous may be useful. (but that could be my inclination to all the niche terms 😜 )

 

Can you explain alterous? I haven't heard that. I've heard of QPR but to be honest it sounds kinda sterile or over described. 

 

Honestly I think what I feel most comfortable with is "friend" or but that doesn't adequately describe our sexual relationship - and it seems unfair to them. FWB is almost rude to them if they feel a strong romantic commitment. 

 

*sigh* I've been aro for two days and I already wish I was normal :(

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On 7/31/2019 at 9:14 PM, ameddin73 said:

 

Can you explain alterous? I haven't heard that. I've heard of QPR but to be honest it sounds kinda sterile or over described. 

 

I'll do my best! Can't promise it'll be perfect but hey. 

 

So here's a def I'm stealing from AUREA:

Quote

An interest or desire for emotional closeness without necessarily being platonic and/or romantic. Alterous is often used in the place of -romantic or -sexual suffixes (e.g., bialterous instead of biromantic).  

 

and here's a coinage post just for kicks.

 

Really, alterous is not overall specifically defined - the general consensus is that it's an attraction or relationship based on emotional closeness that might not necessarily be romantic or platonic. (Overall, similar to QPR, but not as common or neatly defined, usually? A lil more wiggle room and less connotation, imo.) Possibly sexual, possibly nah, really up to you! 

 

Here's a couple opinions on how the two differ: one, two (i'm gonna note since it's toward thread top that i don't agree with the idea that QPRs are always non-sexual before anyone starts coming @me)

 

On 7/31/2019 at 9:14 PM, ameddin73 said:

 

*sigh* I've been aro for two days and I already wish I was normal :(

 

Hey, you're still normal! Just not straight. I just left a romo relationship and figured out that hey, I don't want that and then hated myself for not feeling more attached - so I get it. But just because it's more complicated in an amatonormative world doesn't mean you won't figure it out. :) 

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On 8/1/2019 at 3:14 AM, ameddin73 said:

Honestly I think what I feel most comfortable with is "friend" or but that doesn't adequately describe our sexual relationship - and it seems unfair to them. FWB is almost rude to them if they feel a strong romantic commitment. 

I personally am all for expanding the definition of "friend" to mean whatever you goddamn want it to be. I have several friends that I have sex with semi-regularly, and as far as I'm concerned I shouldn't have to call them something else just because parts of society can't fathom the idea of having sex with friends.

 

That said, it sounds like your partner is willing to work with you on figuring out this relationship, so maybe it's worth just talking to them at some point about what you call each other? (It's fantastic that they took the initial discussion so well, they sound like a great person to have in your life!)

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