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Do you describe yourself with terms like romance-repulsed/indifferent/favorable?

Do you describe yourself with terms like romance-repulsed/indifferent/favorable?  

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Romance indifferent or slightly positive when it is about other people.

Slightly romance repulsed when it's about me.

I don't use this label: even said with a big smile the 'aromantic' label is usually enough to discourage potential suitors.

 

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Romance repulsed. I do not like it when it is directed at me, it makes me feel trapped since I cannot reciprocate it. The only way I would accept a romantic gesture (kissing, hold hands) is if the other person knows I will feel nothing doing it and is completely ok with it. But only my best friend has earned my trust in believing they words. Also, I cuddle with any living being (dog, cats, snakes, people) and I see it as something completely normal and no romance involved. It is the only activity that isn't romance coded for me, cuz hey we sharing heat, that means we won't freeze to death, yay.

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I'm completely romance neutral. I don't hate it but it's not like I have any interest in it. If a piece of media has romance in it I won't mind but I find stories that are solely romance can be boring to me.

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I don't use any of these terms for myself, but then again, my romantic orientation fits pretty well with my sexual orientation so I've never been in a position of having to specify.

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Personally the repulsed/indifferent/favourable terms seem like they are taken from the ace framework in regards to general attitudes towards sex. I know there are social complexities and cultural differences but sex can be simplified to the act itself. Romance cannot be simplified to one universally acknowledged act, there is too much cultural input and diversity so repulsed/indifferent/favourable seems too ill fitting when most people will probably have a range of reactions to different aspects of romance-coded things. 

Personally I use the words repulsed and indifferent/neutral but in an entirely different framework of understanding. I see repulsed and indifferent/neutral as steps on the attraction framework in regards to specific activities, situations or people. I actually changed my vote, I originally selected romance-repulsed or averse because those are words I use, just not with that general meaning, and I have no connection with 'favourable' being the other end of the options. I did my own examples of what I mean here  https://mesotablar.dreamwidth.org/13965.html

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I know a few people have posted that they don't personally see a lot of worth in apply these terms to themselves (which is fair! Any label is only as useful as you find it), but I have found the terms romance-repulsion and romance-averse to be really helpful terms for me to understand why I tend to shy away from people that seem overly positive towards me or overly interested in me, even if I've enjoyed spending time with them before.

My aversion tends to start with touch, since I'm not a touchy person in general. There's a lot of boundaries that have to be established before I'm even okay with the idea of a person touching me. I get uncomfortable when people express PDA, though I don't say anything because I do believe that open expressions of love are very freeing and I don't want to take that away from them because I'm squicked out. But the repulsion is at its peak when someone starts expressing romantic interest in me. It's a particular look in their eye, a "subtle" attempt to see where my romantic relationship stands, at worst an admission of feelings.

If the other person isn't too close to me, I can usually rationalize it as "they don't know me well enough to know that they love me" and politely find a way to redirect the conversation or turn them down. Irrational as I know it is, a close friend expressing interest in dating me feels like betrayal. Since I understand where this comes from for me, I can take some time to quiet down those feelings and work with the other person.

Having a label might not mean I get to use it to explain to someone else what is happening to me, but it sure helped explain to myself what was going on and let me see this isn't as rare of a thing as I'd once thought.

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I've desensitized myself to a lot of romantically coded gestures, like hand-holding, and even cuddling to some extent.  But most of the time I still feel incredibly uncomfortable with romance directed towards me.  I hate "I love you" and "I miss you" texts, because I feel obligated to respond in kind, even though I rarely feel the same.  It's suffocating to have to fake those expected gestures, especially when I know that the other person means it in a way that I'm not capable of.  This is probably where my problem with ghosting people came from... 😅

On the flip-side, I love romance in fiction (though not when it's the focus of the plot).  I'm a shipper, and it sometimes let's me enjoy a story more when I can pair up characters in my head, and then gush over the pairings to my bff.  However, I like it to be more of a side-plot than the main focus of a story.  Strict romance doesn't interest me all that much, but throw in some weird supernatural or sci-fi element, and I might be on board.

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I fluctuate how I feel about romance, both in real life and in media. Sometimes I like rereading my favorite romance novels and looking up fanfiction for some queerbaited couple in the latest TV show. Sometimes I think about doing stereotypically romantic things for my friends or people I think are attractive. 

And sometimes I can't stand reading about couples, or seeing people hold hands and kiss, or thinking about doing any of that for myself. 

Sometimes it's even a mix of both. The consistent through-line is that I don't want a traditional romantic relationship, and I never have, no matter how much I told myself I did.

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I definitely identify as romance repulsed/averse. My understanding of the terms are that they describe how you feel about yourself in a romantic context/ about having romance directed at you, and don't (necessarily) have to do with how you perceive romance in media or other people's romances (though that can be a factor in choosing or not choosing a label too). For me, the thought of anyone having romantic feelings for me is awful and uncomfortable, and even more so the thought of someone thinking I have romantic feelings towards them/interpreting my actions that way. It's surreal and distressing. With media, the repulsion isn't always as strong (or at least not as easy to set off at its full power), sometimes the Media Feels are more neutral/indifferent, but definitely sometimes overtly romantic or I guess particularly Typical (or amatonormative?) romance does make me feel kind of eeuughh and alienated from the story. And in role-plays characters expressing too much interest in my character could border on distressing too, I haven't tried to rp a romance before so I'm not sure how much that would set off the repulsion, but I expect that it would at least a bit if it went too far. The repulsion part of my identity is honestly as big a part of my personal aromanticism as the not feeling attraction part, as that is a large part of me I was looking to explain when I first started really thinking about Possibly Not Being Straight.

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Also repulsed for myself/real life, but I'm totally OK with it in media. I love (www English) popular music, and apparently there's an unwritten law that says 90% of your songs must be heteroromantic (no recs, please. I don't want today's hip kids' music) , and I'm genuinely OK with that, even if when I write (to then let languish) I 100% write about literally anything else. 

I don't mind it in media, and I ship... writing romance the most aro way possible, it would seem

 I get really happy those once in a blue moon cases a character could be read as aro or they specifically go "we don't talk about so-and-so's love life" and they don't seem to have one. Both shows I can cite like this are Japanese, not translated, so I can't share them with 98% of people I know (they're famous, though, so that other 2% usually know them already), and also copaganda (which I'm aware of, but I like logic puzzles. I just harden myself to that message) I wish more shows were like that, but I've only minded it when I had reason to not expect a cishetamatonormative development (Bleach ending is a good example) 

 

But happen to me? NOPE.

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Posted (edited)

I think this is a really difficult question since I don't 100% understand the definition. Yes, I'm uncomfortable with being in a relationship and romantic-coded stuff but the reason I'm uncomfortable is because I'm not attracted to the other person, and isn't that how a lot of other people work, including allos? Does that make me romance averse?
Likewise with media, I can be really uncomfortable with romance in movies but often it's just the ones that are grossly normative and full of the standard annoying tropes, while more nuanced relationships can fly right past the aversion radar.

So I guess I'd say I'm indifferent.

Edited by Oatpunk
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ok so i think about romance-repulsion/indifference/positivity both in terms of romantic actions being directed Towards me as well as just generally seeing romance irl and in media, which i think not everyone does? i think plenty of folks focus more on the personal entanglement aspect of how they feel abt romance which works just fine! but i do want 2 be clear about what im talkin about 

in most aspects i would say i'm romance-repulsed? i've never explicitly used that term to others before coming on here, but i think it generally describes my experiences for when i see romance in media and when romantically-coded actions are directed towards me. generally i just dont want people to do romantic stuff AT me, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable and i get the strong urge to oust myself from the situation asap (which is why personally "repulsion" is an apt descriptor) but as long as im not involved and as long as im not expected to care, then its no longer my business so 🎉! same thing with media; i dont like seeing characters i project onto being romantically involved (i rly hate it actually lmao) but for other characters i dont personally identify with, i usually couldnt care less who they be smoochin (provided it doesn't take up a ton of screen time)...

but yeah ! i think a large aspect of romance-repulsion for lots of folks is the idea that romantic words and actions can't really be fully reciprocated, which makes them uncomfortable things to deal with. i think there are a certain amt of people who are repulsed by romance because it just IS romance, like whatever is considered to be explicitly romantic in their time and context is alienating or repulsive in some way, and that their negative disposition towards romance is regardless of whether they themselves are involved in anyway (like how i can get miffed at the inclusion of romantic subplots in media, even if its well written and otherwise not obstructive to the rest of the story)

so i guess if ur looking to make definitions for those kinds of terms (romance-repulsed/indifferent/positive) then the directionality of romantic-coded words and actions (who they're directed at, and from who) could be a good thing to take into account? and also to not think of them as completely analogous to sex-repulsion/indifference/positivity but someone else in this thread already touched on that so 😳 But on the other hand i am also. A fool! so take my words with a grain of salt🤪sorry this post is long and a mess lmao

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For me, it varies situation to situation. In terms of someone going out with me, I would say repulsed/adverse, simply because I hate the notion. I have never had any fantasy where I am with another person in that way, in fact, I am largely solo. With other real people, I really don't care, as long as its a healthy situation. With characters I range from favorable to repulsed based on how much I relate, and how much it is focused on.

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Mmh, i used to describe myself as romance repulsed. The spirit is still there , i don't suddently love romance but... i tend to care less now 🤷‍♂️ About the term i mean, for myself. 

 

It tend to depend, frankly, on the context. Context i don't always a clear definiton on. Can be a ship i actually like, for some reason. Can depend on the characters. 

 

In real life, i depend too. Two random peoples kissing in a corner and a group of friends i am talking with is not the same. It's not that i hate talking about romance, i just can't relate (not that peoples can't say some bs about it eh )

Edited by Leton.
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Can't say I am any of those 100%. Mostly neutral though (my pick)

I am averse by it if it is on public, or at neutral places like work. I am confused-aversed by it if it is towards myself. Disgusted of how it is almost top 1 priority today

Though I absolutely neutral if it is has nothing to do with me - if I can't see and/or be directly affected by it. I am OK talking about it, I just can't say much about any romantic staff :D


Also I have strong aesthetic feeling if it is some fictional/media/movie/theater. If only it has something powerful, like plot or music (yay broadway), going on same time. I adore when actors who played in one art piece (that I liked) get together - talented people get what they deserve and I really happy for them. I adore how fictional characters that has nice story find what they desire, even if it is romantic stuff. I like watching people when they achieve their goal, even if it is romantic stuff. So I think I am also partly open to romance

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I suppose if asked I would describe myself as generally romance positive, I am totally fine with other people being romantic and acknowledge that it is healthy and necessary to most peoples wellbeing. I would also describe myself as personally romance averse, in that I have no intention to have a romantic relationship. I don't really identify with any such terms though.

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