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Crush vs Squish

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Hmm for me, there is a bit of possessiveness/jealousy in a weird way, though it is not due to any romantic feeling but simply because of how hard it is for me to get really close to someone. I would feel like I am not good enough when I see someone else is closer to said person, friendship-wise. It is kind of a third wheel friend feeling but other two sides aren't dating either. It probably has a lot to do with my self-esteem, though I don't act on it whenever that happens and instead simply act as its nothing. (there have been cases where a bestfriend at the time would befriend another really close friend/bestfriend of mine and leave me out of the loop so...I think it is a bit fair to be afraid of that?)

 

But other than that, agreed with first list. Though, I sometimes freeze in front of people I really respect too? Maybe it has to do with RSD if I do have ADHD though, so that's an aside thing. It is not that I am afraid they wouldn't find me "compatible" in a romantic situation way but a lot more of "I really do care about your thoughts on topics because you did show me that you make sense and actually have respectable personality and I would like to be someone you would respect too so we can exchange thoughts on things as equals" thingy.

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On 2016-4-22 at 4:18 AM, Natkat said:

because of this and the general notion that most of the people I want to be QP with cant do QP because they either are confussed by the concept or "want to be more than friends" I am pretty sceptical on being QPR with allo-people.

 

Having tried for this a few times now, the only way I see this working out long-term is if they also have a romantic partner but that can be a difficult thing to balance for all three people.

 

On 2017-4-13 at 0:19 PM, Confidential_Con said:

I don't have crushes or squishes, but I am in a QPR with an allo person. We were friends before we were in a QPR, and I'd told them that I was aro and they were cool with it; they identified as ace at the time, so they were familiar with the concept of romantic and sexual attraction being separate.

 

This is awesome to hear about.

 

5 hours ago, ApeironStella said:

Hmm for me, there is a bit of possessiveness/jealousy in a weird way, though it is not due to any romantic feeling but simply because of how hard it is for me to get really close to someone. I would feel like I am not good enough when I see someone else is closer to said person, friendship-wise.

 

I get this too, though usually the only person I really get jealous of is the persons romantic partner. I don't want to be romantically involved with them but I feel bad about their romantic partner monopolising them.

 

-----

 

So, lets start with the fact I don't feel like I crush at all. But my squishes are fast and furious, especially if I act on them. If I don't then they can drag out for a few weeks at most. If I do pursue them though they can die down in as little as a day or two.

 

* My squishes are triggered by interactions with the person - this is a defining feature to me. Crushes seem to able to be directed at virtually anyone; see also love at first sight. 

Strong feelings of connection and a desire to talk to and spend time with the person

* I get a strong urge to be close to them physically, hugging and such - it's hard for me to decide if this is actually part of the squish or not because I have this feeling with all my close friends. May be tied to the above point - feeling super connected despite barely knowing them yet.

 

Someone mentioned not wanting to kiss as being a defining feature for them but I feel like this isn't true for all aro's. It is probably a helpful guideline for greyro people though. For me, I don't get an explicit urge to kiss my squishes, though I might if I felt in the mood to kiss and they were ok with it.

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as i understand it, a crush involves romantic and usually sexual attraction, which tend to be interconnected (??!,?).  since i've never experienced romantic attraction, i've obviously never had one.  i have my own term, 'aro crush', for the combination of platonic and sexual attraction (unrelated, coincidental), whereas a squish is just platonic, but i think the former can fall under the squish category; the requirement is platonic attraction.  when i have one, it's pretty much a more intense desire for friendship with the person: being happy when you see or talk to them, wanting to do more of it, to share time and interests with them, and thinking about them frequently.  additionally with an aro crush: thinking frequently about how hot they are, wanting to do sexual things with them.

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For me:

- I like to hug them

- Sometimes I get jealous when she's with someone that I don't like/hate. 

- I trust them

- I want her to keep my secrets. So sometimes we get exclusive. 

- I'm always there when they need me

- I'm being protective to them

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It's very confusing for me because my whole life I've always thought I'd had crushes. 

Only recently when I was talking to my alloromantic friend I realized "............shoot. I've never felt this way." 

I asked her a bunch of questions and by the end I was sure I had never experienced romantic attraction.

But the thing is, I consider myself romance-positive. The idea of dating doesn't bother me at all. It actually seems like something I would want! However, I don't ever feel the romantic attraction which can be very frustrating. 😕

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Guest clarasclue

for me, a squish is a crush, but totally platonic.

to have a crush would be to want to be in a romantic relationship with them, but a squish would be basically to want to be friends with them, or just closer friends.

you may already be friends with someone you have a squish on, the same way some people in romantic relationships have crushes on each other, although they're already in a relationship.

this is just how i view it, so correct me if i'm wildly incorrect.

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I don't think I've ever experienced anything but squishes, because the "romantic" and/or "sexual" connotations of the crush are just never there for me.

Squishes, the few times I've had them, are either a mild "this person is nice and I like being around them and I hope they'll continue to allow me to be friends with them" sort of feeling or a more intense thing like this:

  • This person is wonderful and I find them fascinating
  • I feel valued and safe when I'm with this person
  • I want this person to be my friend so that I can continue being around them
  • I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with this person because I like who I am when I'm around them
  • If this person initiated cuddles or hand-holding I would be very happy to accept
  • I am somewhat terrified of having this person disappear from my life

But there's never a sensation of "I want to be in a relationship with this person" and I've never been open with one of my squishes about how I feel about them because I'm terrified they'll see it as a romance-coded thing and that on the off chance they have some sort of more-than-just-friends feeling towards me they'd want to be "in a relationship" with me... (or, y'know, there's that whole "I is an asexual creature" thing, and my squishes thus far have been on allosexual people, so even if I could get myself to the point of being okay with "romantic-coded relationship" things... I know I wouldn't be an appropriate choice of mate for them)

ah, the joys of being aroace and occasionally having alterous attractions...

I really wish "friends who cuddle" was more generally acceptable, it would make my life much easier. 

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Yea so I never got the memo that a crush was supposed to be romantic.. And I genuinely felt like I did experience crushes before realizing that I am actually aromantic. So it's really hard for me not to associate the word crush with whatever the fuck it is that I am experiencing 😂. It kinda sucks. I hate that it implies romance.

But basically how I define a crush is
-Thinking they are aesthetically attractive.
and/or
-Thinking they are really cool.   

And a squish is
-Thinking they are really cool and relatable.

It's pretty vague. I get 'crushes' a lot, but squishes not so often. Also I barely have desire to act on it, and I don't want physical closeness because I'm touch averse.

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