Crush vs Squish

[breaddd]

Oh yes, you all knew that this topic would come up sometime. Don't even try to deny it.

 

I was thinking the other day about crushes and squishes, and I was wondering how people can tell the difference. From what I've heard, they're very similar. Usually the distinctions vary on the person. What do you consider romantic and what do you consider platonic?

 

I've heard some people say that a squish is non-romantic and non-sexual, but I think that sexual attraction can come with platonic attraction. Otherwise FWB just wouldn't exist or be a thing. Although I've never really had an intense squish that comes with sexual attraction, I do think that it's possible.

 

My friends say they always get fluttering feelings in their stomach and they think about kissing them and stuff when they're around their crushes. They think about their crushes all the time. Maybe someone who experiences romantic attraction would want to add to this?

 

My definition of a squish is:

1. You think about them. When I get squishes I think about them all the time and I wish they were with me to share experiences with them.
2. You want physical closeness. When I'm around my squish I hug them and I put my arm around their shoulder. I might sit close to them. The thing that I don't want is kissing. That's what usually tells me that it isn't romantic. I've never felt the need to kiss anyone I've had a squish on before.
3. You enjoy being around them. When I'm around my squish I smile a lot and think "I love them" and "They're the greatest" etc.

 

Some thing that I've noticed that help me differentiate from a crush are:

1. NO KISSING. Kissing is just so weird...*shrug* I don't like it.
2. No jealousy. I've noticed that I won't get jealous when people are with my squish.
3. I don't think of them as a romantic partner. This might just be my mindset, but I can't think of my squish as a romantic partner. Being friends with them just seems natural. We can talk about who we find attractive and where we want to go after high school, and we're friends. Nothing about my attraction just feels like it's romantic in nature. Although I do want to be with them and think about them a lot, I just can't imagine myself being romantically involved with them.

 

One last thing: has anyone ever had a squish (edited because I said crush first) on an alloro person and has been in a QPR or something of the sorts with them? That's been a problem for me because alloro people don't normally understand the concept of QPRs and that's what I want, but I'm afraid it would be weird to ask them about it. I don't really know many aro people irl and squishing on alloro people seems to be unavoidable.

[Cassiopeia]

Never had a crush, but

A for me a squish is:

• The interest is mostly intellectual curiosity. I want to talk to them, hear their ideas, I enjoy the way their brain works.
• I enjoy their company. I feel comfortable and relaxed if they are around.
• I think about them a lot, reminded of them by stuff. Like I'm at work and someone shows me a picture of a lapel pin that is also a flower pot, and I instantly go, "not really my thing, but XY gonna love this so much, I'll send them a link". I want to show them my favourite places. I want to show them my favourite music. I want to show them the books I like. Things like that.
• I don't want to flirt with them or flood them with random compliments. Alloromantic people tend to switch into courtship mode when they have a crush. I do compliment my friends, especially if they have self confidence issues,  but the "I like your hair...I like your jokes...I like your eyes...I like the way you hold that pencil...I like the colour of your belly button" thing just seems excessive? I never had the urge to say things like that in such frequency.
• I'm fully functional when they aren't near me. Alloromantic people tend to act like abandoned puppies when their crush is out of sight. I do miss my friends if I don't see them for a while, and I am really excited and happy to see them again, but never really had that intense longing.
• No jealousy if I see them with someone else they "like" like(d). They can bring along all their exes to whatever we are doing together, I don't mind. I'm actually happy to meet the people who already passed the "decent human being, good friend material" test by someone I consider a friend.
• I don't want exclusivity. Pretty much what it says on the tin.

[Natkat]

2 hours ago, breaddd said:

One last thing: has anyone ever had a crush on an alloro person and has been in a QPR or something of the sorts with them? That's been a problem for me because alloro people don't normally understand the concept of QPRs and that's what I want, but I'm afraid it would be weird to ask them about it. I don't really know many aro people irl and squishing on alloro people seems to be unavoidable.

 

Did you mean squish or chrush???

----------------------------

I think its so difficult to tell squish and chrush apart. all the thing with kissing and jelously are blurred like I may want to kiss them and I may not and I dont typically get jelous but I am capable of jelousy even when I dont feel like I experience the type of jelousy that is typical in many romantic relationships.

-

The only way I have been able to tell the difference between a chrush and a squish were when i liked someone alot and thought "this must be a chrush" but then they liked me back and I where supposed somehow to show romantic feelings from them and been happy but instead I were annoyed, bored, indifferent or abit worried why our friendship should be complicated. 

 

[omitef]

@breaddd, not sure if you're unaware, but there have actually been a couple other threads discussing differences between a crush and a squish. You can check out the three following threads for some more information:

 

Romantic Attraction

What is a Crush?

Where is the line between sexual and romantic behaviour?

 

[breaddd]

17 hours ago, Natkat said:

Did you mean squish or chrush???

----------------------------

I think its so difficult to tell squish and chrush apart. all the thing with kissing and jelously are blurred like I may want to kiss them and I may not and I dont typically get jelous but I am capable of jelousy even when I dont feel like I experience the type of jelousy that is typical in many romantic relationships.

-

The only way I have been able to tell the difference between a chrush and a squish were when i liked someone alot and thought "this must be a chrush" but then they liked me back and I where supposed somehow to show romantic feelings from them and been happy but instead I were annoyed, bored, indifferent or abit worried why our friendship should be complicated. 

 

Agh I did mean squish.  I didn't even notice that.

[Louis On Air]

I think the fact that I just want to talk to her and be around her defines the Squish for me. Also if she ever does get in a proper relationship I won't care or feel abandoned because I guess that if she's happy I'm happy and we won't stop speaking to one-another. And plus, I function fine alone without feeling empty or worthless

[Natkat]

On 20/4/2016 at 7:44 PM, breaddd said:

 

One last thing: has anyone ever had a squish (edited because I said crush first) on an alloro person and has been in a QPR or something of the sorts with them? That's been a problem for me because alloro people don't normally understand the concept of QPRs and that's what I want, but I'm afraid it would be weird to ask them about it. I don't really know many aro people irl and squishing on alloro people seems to be unavoidable.

12

I been in a sort of QPR. we didn't have the word for it back then but we did talk about it afterwards that our relationships probably been pretty QP. And he were allo, and I thought I were too because I didnt knew aromantism existed. unfortunately it did end because he wanted to be "more than just friends, even when we had started out with feeling that non of us were interesteed in a relationship. 

because of this and the general notion that most of the people I want to be QP with cant do QP because they either are confussed by the concept or "want to be more than friends" I am pretty sceptical on being QPR with allo-people.

 

 

 

 

[lindi]

I could never clearly tell the difference, so lately I've been calling them all crushes, because whatever - it's not like I want to act on them anyway.

Of course, since I don't want romance or a partner, it might make more sense to call them all squishes... but at least "crush" is a word that the mainstream has some clue about, even if it would be slightly misleading.

Oh, and this might sound paradoxical, but to me a "squish" implies more strongly, that you actually want to get close to the person. As a friend, but still. What comes to a "crush", people have celebrity crushes and such all the time, without wanting to get close to the person.

[paporomantic]

My distinction may sound strange.

 

To me, a squish is an attraction whose causes are obvious to me immediately (i.e. I know why I should like the person). A crush is an attraction whose origin I can't explain to myself for at least 2 days, and can only find an answer until I inquire myself deeply.

 

In short, a squish is a manageable attraction and a crush is an uncontrollable one. But of course other people need different definitions.

 

Ironically, the definitions of genders are tied to the definition of a crush for me. A 'generalized male' is someone I feel I can never crush on (minus my relatives who were AFAB), while a 'generalized female' is someone who I'm afraid can trigger a crush in me if I'm not careful (plus my relatives who were AFAB).

[aussiekirkland]

I agree that a lot of distinctions that can be made are up to the individual (like physical affection and butterflies) but I think what separates squishes and crushes is how you see the person. Could you see yourself in a romantic relationship? If not it's probably not a crush. While there are a lot of similar feelings, alloromantics want to be in a romantic relationship with someone they have feelings for. This was what made me realise that I was aromantic because no matter how strong my feelings were I never wanted a relationship with them.

 

I've always wanted a qpr, even before I knew what they were. It's the kind of relationship I can see myself in when I have feelings for a person (regardless of gender), but if not I just don't think about it. Like right now, I don't have any platonic feelings so I don't feel like getting into a qpr.

 

I've suffered through two romantic relationships but still no qpr's 

[Dodgypotato]

My squishes are the same except I don't want physical closeness, and I do get jealous. So swap the number 2s for me!

[brsajo]

Are squishes and crushes mutually exclusive? Because from what I've read, when I get scrishes (what I'm calling them for now until I know which they are), I get symptoms of both, but not all the symptoms of both. 

When I get one, these are some things I go through:

• "OH MY GOSH THEY LIKE THAT TOO!? WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON"
• "OUR DIFFERENCES COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER OMG WE'RE SO COMPATIBLE"
• I want to be close friends with them
• I want physical closeness
• I want to spend my life with them
• I hypothetically imagine kissing, but it's mostly out of curiosity since I've never done it before. The idea is silly, but I don't wanna knock it till I try it
• Same with a lot of romantic situations; I can imagine my scrish and I going on a date, for example, and having a good time, but part of me doesn't like the idea of having to repeatedly find the time to it and it all seems impractical in the long run. Also why should I have to buy my partner presents to prove that I care for them? I'd like my partner to know that I love them regardless of what romantic notions I haven't done in the last couple of months, so if I do get them a present, it's because I legit want them to have it and feel happy, not for my own justification.

I'll edit this post when I have more time

[aussiekirkland]

16 minutes ago, brsajo said:

Are squishes and crushes mutually exclusive? Because from what I've read, when I get scrishes (what I'm calling them for now until I know which they are), I get symptoms of both, but not all the symptoms of both. 

When I get one, these are some things I go through:

• "OH MY GOSH THEY LIKE THAT TOO!? WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON"
• "OUR DIFFERENCES COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER OMG WE'RE SO COMPATIBLE"
• I want to be close friends with them
• I want physical closeness
• I want to spend my life with them
• I hypothetically imagine kissing, but it's mostly out of curiosity since I've never done it before. The idea is silly, but I don't wanna knock it till I try it

I'll edit this post when I have more time

All of that minus wanting to spend my life with them is how I experience squishes. You could have a look at alterous attraction, which is in between romantic and platonic.

[omitef]

@brsajo Squishes and crushes are not mutually exclusive. I've had two scrishes (love that word, btw), and I can relate to some of what you're feeling. This is how I tend to feel:

• Hey, they did something interesting/weird/cool that most people wouldn't have the courage/creativity/craziness to do in public. I like that. I want to get to know them better.
• I want to make them happy. I don't care if I'm doing this as their friend or lover. If they asked me to leave them alone forever, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
• Sometimes I might get jealous if I think they are crushing on someone else, but it's because I'm worried they'll stop being friends with me, not because they might be crushing.
• I can easily name a whole bunch of traits that I like about them.
• I feel as if I've known them forever.
• I trust them.
• Physical intimacy is nice, but unnecessary and significantly less important than emotional intimacy.

[Guest Apple Cake]

Ok, now that I think of it, I guess my first crush was a squish. And the second one... a scrish? (Oh I love the concept) Like, I wanna be close to her and be her friend and spend my life with her, and the idea of a romantic relationship has been in my mind (mostly because of curiosity, I wanna know what having a girlfriend would be like). I wanna be important to her and see if I can love her. As for my first... squish, he was already my best friend so I was happy with it. I just wanted to spend time with him and be his best friend forever

[morallygayro]

In my experience,  a crush involves wanting an exclusive relationship with someone, feeling jittery and nervous around them, daydreaming about them a lot, and feeling jealous when other people act romantically toward them. Beyond that, it's pretty much the same as a squish.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I agree, I think one main difference is the jealousy factor. You could be jealous in two ways:

 

1. That person should belong to you, and you to them (or you should be committed to each other, place each other as the highest importance)

2. A romance would monopolize their time and you wouldn't get to be with them as much

 

If you are experiencing the second one, then it's not necessarily a crush, but the first one is.

 

There's also an obsession with the target of the crush that surpasses how you might feel about a friend or potential friend.

[LJ_84]

Complicated topic...

 

When I was a teenager, friends often told me how I was crushing on someone but I always told them that it wasn't like this! I'd say it was a squish. I think people can experience this very differently. For me it's like: I want to spend time together, to get to know them better, I think a lot about them, I'm happy when I see them, want to hug them. I also do feel jealous sometimes. At the moment I'm squishing on someone who's actually a celebrity but I see him just as a normal guy, and because of that in my younger years I never could befriend boys (because I'm trans and they "don't want to play with girls") I sometimes do get jealous when I see he shares pictures of time with his friends and how much fun he had. It hurts in a way and makes me sad because I want to hang out and doing funny boys stuff too with him. Do I make sense?

 

One thing has left me a bit confused. It sounds like some people have squishes on people they are already friends with. Wouldn't it stop if you reached that goal to be close friends with the person you squish on? Like don't alloromantic people stop crushing on a person when they enter a romantic relationship with their target? Like the crush changes into romantic love? Is this possible?

[aussiekirkland]

1 hour ago, LJ_84 said:

One thing has left me a bit confused. It sounds like some people have squishes on people they are already friends with. Wouldn't it stop if you reached that goal to be close friends with the person you squish on? Like don't alloromantic people stop crushing on a person when they enter a romantic relationship with their target? Like the crush changes into romantic love? Is this possible?

Ive thought about this a lot and I'm not completely sure. My most recent squish developed for a female friend I was starting to get to know better, and it faded once we were a lot closer (specifically the night where we were drunk, sharing a bed and talking about personal and stupid things).

 

My other squishes started once I began a friendship with a guy, but would go on for much longer because I was too afraid to be emotionally intimate with them (since this kept on resulting in romantic relationships/feelings that I didn't want) and so it wouldn't go away until I innevitably gave up on the friendship.

 

So I guess the ideal for me is that once I have the relationship I want with the person the squish fades and develops into a loving platonic bond. So pretty much like the romantic example you gave, only platonic.

[Natkat]

10 hours ago, LJ_84 said:

One thing has left me a bit confused. It sounds like some people have squishes on people they are already friends with. Wouldn't it stop if you reached that goal to be close friends with the person you squish on? Like don't alloromantic people stop crushing on a person when they enter a romantic relationship with their target? Like the crush changes into romantic love? Is this possible?

Hmm well you can still get high on awsomeness for your friends even if you have known them alot. I do that once in a while. But to me however I think squishes is most strong when you just get to know a new person and get this new energy attraction (I dont remember the word, its used in the poly comunity alot?) to you get the level of intimacy you want but it may take some time even years to get to a stage where you feel satisfied and dont feel you are "just another friend" but not the close friend you want to be.

--

I noticed I havent said much about how I define a squish and as I said above, the only way I have been able to tell the difference had been because I didnt want them to like me back. but to go abit more in details only speaking from my own perspective.

 

my squishes had been people I felt sexual attraction toward or no sexual attraction. they have also been of various gender and ages. we would talk alot or I would want us to talk ALOT if it was a new person I got to know, and even thought not all of my squishes are very sensual I still desired a sensual relationship where its okay to hug, kiss, cuddle or whatever we want. 

when I have a squish I think about them alot, but not all the time, and if they contact me too much I may get tired.

I value them very highly amount my friends but they arnt like a nr1 only person in the world.

I dont get jelous of them the same way I seen many alloromantic get jelouse. its more like "why dont you spend time with me" type of jelousy and not "why are you having a gf/bf that is not me?"

 

in short.. I feel like my mind is focusing on that person but not enough compared to how many of my alloromantic friends would like it. 

its more like "I think alot about you and you are awsome, and I want to hang out with you often and have you meet all my other friends, and have a good time while still being me and minding my own busness"

and they are like "I think about you all the time, and want to hang out with you all the time, and we should be together"

 

maybe its an exaggeration but thats how I feel.

 

 

 

 

[Ettina]

On 10/16/2016 at 3:20 PM, Natkat said:          

But to me however I think squishes is most strong when you just get to know a new person and get this new energy attraction (I dont remember the word, its used in the poly comunity alot?)          

New Relationship Energy (NRE). Though from what I've seen they mostly use it as another term for limerence.

Anyway, I have a feeling that I've been terming squishes, but it's kinda weird. It's like it suddenly hits me, and for a few seconds to minutes I'm just overwhelmed with how wonderful they are and how much I love them. And then it passes, but I still feel very close to them and want to be with them a lot. My first squish I can remember was on my 2 year old brother, and I've squished on cats, kids, and rarely on close friends. The only times I've squished on a stranger have been with a newly adopted kitten and with a friend of the family's newborn baby. (Who I don't really like very much now that she's grown into a bratty, mean kid.) Except for those two, I've always squished on someone after I got to know them for awhile (say acquaintance/minor friend level). And the humans I squish on are pretty much all either small children or people with autistic traits.  

[SoulWolf]

16 minutes ago, Ettina said:

Anyway, I have a feeling that I've been terming squishes, but it's kinda weird. It's like it suddenly hits me, and for a few seconds to minutes I'm just overwhelmed with how wonderful they are and how much I love them. And then it passes, but I still feel very close to them and want to be with them a lot. My first squish I can remember was on my 2 year old brother, and I've squished on cats, kids, and rarely on close friends. 

This sounds very similar to how I feel about some people & many animals, and is what I've been thinking 'squish' means. I suppose it's a valid use of the word, because everyone's different and will have slightly different ways of feeling love towards people/animals anyway...

[EmFairy]

Crush- Romantic

Squish- Platonic 

[trillian25]

On 3/14/2017 at 2:02 PM, EmilyTheDemiFairy said:

I've had more squishes than I can count, but only two crushes. I can tell the difference very well. 

When you have a crush, you have thoughts about dating, marrying, kissing them, or being all lovy duby with them. 

When you have a squish, you think about being freinds with them, spending time with them, talking to them, or just plain having fun doing things you enjoy.

This seems the most accurate difference between the two.

I do think that the physical aspect isn't necessarily a part of either a squish or a crush (for me physical contact is lovely, but completely unrelated to any emotional aspect. I can cuddle with pets, family, lovers, and friends and I feel about the same way with each, kissing and sex also work that way although I don't attempt them with pets and family lol). There are even groups of people (strangers) that get together strictly for cuddle sessions, it isn't something that needs to be tied to romantic interest at all.

When I've had a crush on someone I think about being with them, us falling in love, joining our lives in some way (living together, marriage, kids (if I was into having kids), etc.).

A squish seems to more about wanting to bond with the person intellectually, sharing common interests, enjoying time together, I may be sexually attracted to them or not, but that isn't important (I often think I could go either way and be happy).

I currently have what I consider to be a massive squish on someone, it started as a crush, but he's aromantic and I'm somewhat lithromantic (or possibly just bad at romantic relationships) and once I realized that romance wasn't going to be a thing it switched in my mind. I now want to spend time with him, I can see us being best friends one day, but I don't have those gushy love feelings (I am beginning to love him, but just like I would a female friend or a close relative).

It's a fairly fine line, but it's clear to me the difference, in fact if he were to declare a romantic interest me at this point I would actually be disappointed rather than excited (which to me is a huge indicator that it's no longer a crush).

[Confidential_Con]

I don't have crushes or squishes, but I am in a QPR with an allo person. We were friends before we were in a QPR, and I'd told them that I was aro and they were cool with it; they identified as ace at the time, so they were familiar with the concept of romantic and sexual attraction being separate.