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Amaya
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Today my mother said that my friend "clearly doesn't form strong connections" because she's basically poly and then I pointed out that I was talking about friendships, not romance (and also that poly people can form close connections because duh) and then she basically stated that "people don't ever form close connections with friends."

And that apparently being close to friends is "weird" and ugh so wrong.

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49 minutes ago, Vega said:

Today my mother said that my friend "clearly doesn't form strong connections" because she's basically poly and then I pointed out that I was talking about friendships, not romance (and also that poly people can form close connections because duh) and then she basically stated that "people don't ever form close connections with friends."

And that apparently being close to friends is "weird" and ugh so wrong.

Ugh. 

The devaluing of friendship is one of the worst things about amatanormative society. Before I realised I was aro I found it so weird that people would expect me to prioritise my "romantic" partners over friends who I had known much longer  (and connected with more).

I had a really close friend die last year, I was pretty messed up and had to travel to my hometown for the funeral. My boss was super unsympathetic as it was a friend and I couldn't find the words to explain that this was one of the closest people in my life and it was more of a hit than my partner dying would've been (though thinking this made me feel kinda not great). I still feel hugely uncomfortable when his girlfriend posts on his Facebook in a way that claims ownership of him (calling him "my boyfriend" rather than his actual name).

Don't let anyone tell you it's not ok to be close to your friends. It's one of the best things there is.

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I came out to my parents during the first few minutes of 2015 (New Years) and I thought they'd accept it because they have many gay friends and my aunt is gay but they said something along the lines of 'eventually' and 'but love' and now 1.4 years later I still have never brought it up. When my sister started identifying with bisexuality it was harder for my parents to dismiss it because amatonormativity but my mum absolutely hates it when my sister makes remarks relating to her gay side and I absof***inglutely hate romance being brought up at the table so... I'll come out on their death bed or something!

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I've never actually come out and said it. But I think they all know at this point. I'm 28, and my last relationship was at 18. I've always been very clear about not wanting kids (first time I said it was during the second grade, and I'm pretty sure everyone believes me by now), and in the last years I've been very clear that I like being single and I don't want a relationship. I've just never defined it. My parents pretty much let me be, they don't pry. If I wanted to talk about it I'm sure they'd listen, but I don't feel the need to say anything more. Every time I say I don't want kids or that I don't want a spouse they're like "okay". But they're basically like the most open and accepting people ever, so I'm not worried. I think they are a bit disappointed about not getting grandkids from me, because I'm the eldest and my younger sisters aren't very enthusiastic about it either (my youngest sister doesn't want any, my middle sister doesn't say she doesn't want kids but she's not in any rush to do it before she's 30, so we'll see), but their basic attitude is "it's your life, do what makes you happy".

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I always thought it was pretty clear that I've always been one of the most flagrantly aro people in existence, but I guess it wasn't as obvious to my parents somehow, because when I came out to my mom it took several rounds of explanation for her to get that yes, there's a difference between aro and ace, and yes, I'm both...and then used it as ammunition with respect to my dad shortly after they split up in an argument that he wasn't even remotely part of. Then there was my dad, who kept on bringing up the inevitability of me getting a boyfriend whenever we would have a conversation about the future, until I finally came out to him on accident the last time he asked about it. (To his credit, after he'd asked me about boys and I'd flippantly said "No, that's not a thing for me" like I always do since I'm so used to being extremely out with my friends and then proceeded to quietly panic because I'd never planned on coming out to him, he just calmly said "What about girls?", which was more progressive than I'd been expecting from somebody who still occasionally uses "gay" in the same sense a 12-year-old boy uses it, and when I said no to that, he just kind of verbally shrugged and said "eh, as long as you're happy." I'm hoping that'll be the last I hear of it from him...it probably won't be, but I can hope.)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I came out to my mom a while ago and it took a long time and several different ways of explaining it for her to get it. When I explained that it was a spectrum she started to understand a little bit more because we discovered that she might be demiromantic and demisexual. The fact that I'm allosexual is a point of contention between us because she thinks sex outside of marriage is a sin against God yadda yadda yadda, so we just sort of avoid that subject to avoid conflict. Sometimes when we're watching a movie or tv show she'll be like "I bet that character is aromantic" so that's kind of nice. I've tried to come out to my dad multiple times but I don't think he understands what I'm trying to say. Eventually I'm going to have to be as plain and direct as possible. I don't know if he'll understand it as a concept, but I think he'll be in favor of me not getting married or anything-he's one of those dads who thinks no one is good enough for their daughter. I'm not out to either of my brothers. Neither of them would get it, and I don't care if I have their approval or not anyway.

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I'm not out to my parents and don't think I ever will be...

My dad turned to me today and asked if I was seeing anyone... >.> 

 

But the other day he was talking about when I got married/have kids and after kind of making a face he said "Well, if". He mentioned wanting grandkids because he didn't really know his grandparents, but I did mention just getting loads of dogs and he said he'd be happy to baby sit if he ever needed to :P 

My mum's pretty traditional and I know she wants grandkids and talks a lot about me getting married... So I know she'd be a lot more disappointed if I didn't have kids.

 

Let's hope my brother has kids at some point, so they won't be too upset about it.

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I'm essentially out to the relatives (though I don't use the lingo), and they still think that refusing to date is my conscious decision or a consequence of laziness or of seeing how my brother is exhausted by being the sole breadwinner for his sons and lazy wife and nurturing them at the same time.

13 minutes ago, Simowl said:

but I did mention just getting loads of dogs and he said he'd be happy to baby sit if he ever needed to :P 

 

Pets are legit (grand)kids too!

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My mother always talks about how she likes people who break societal molds, and generally "different" people, and yet when I try to point out to her that not everyone is monogamous, or wants romance or sex, all the responses I get are something like "That's weird/not possible" and I just wish I could be out to her and be honest about what I am.

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12 hours ago, Tal Shi'ar said:

If anything, my parents will end up with grandcats. Or granddogs.

Same, the problem is just that my mum doesn't like cats and my dad neither cats nor dogs. But I guess they'll have to deal with it xD 

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@Tal Shi'ar Yep. Mine are ending up with grandcats.

 

I'm not out to my parents, but I've clearly shown that I'm completely uninterested. Dad thinks because I'm not straight I must be gay. He always gets really excited if he hears I'm hanging out with one other person by themselves. Sometimes my parents do something and I think I could come out to them. But then they go and rant about trans people or gay people and then I'm like, "Nope." Sometimes mum seems like she's really educated about gender and then she goes on another rant or just does something. It's pretty confusing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm out to my parents, my brother and my oldest sister. I have one sister I have not told yet. I was nervous telling them, because as far as I know, none in my family/extended family are anything but straight, alloromantic cis. 

My mom asked a lot of questions, but she was cool with it. She was a bit worried tho, like if it was because of my upbringing, if she and dad had done something (I told her no).

My dad was like "...okay, but do you like girls?". Which I told him no, and explained further. He said he accepted me, and he would have accepted me if I came out as something else as well. Then he focused on the importance of me finding new friends. I have few friends, thanks to my introversion and mild social anxiety.

My oldest sister was very understanding, but she took the scientific approach. "Okay, so you lack the chemical that makes you fall in love?". She also thought I was asexual. Later she told her husband, which kind of bugged me. She could have waited until after I told everyone I wanted to tell personally, like our brother, other sister and my best friend.

My brother, much like my dad, asked "are you a lesbian?" when I told him I wanted to tell him something. But once I told him, he just said okay, and nothing else. I think he maybe took it a bit too well, no questions or anything. But maybe he just needs to digest it? or maybe he knows someone who is also aro, so he knows more about it?

 

I still have one sister to tell, and I have no idea if she will understand. She is newly single after a 10 year relationship and is currently in the "extreme flirting with guys on tinder fase". We'll see.

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every time I say I'm aro ace, it gets dismissed one way or another. I've given up trying to explain it because I don't owe them any more explanations than I've already given them.

it's saddening. I come from a religious Christian family too & they've told me to my face that they pray for me to change constantly :'(

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I've told my family and friends, and my parents just avoid the issue, and never bring it up, which is perfectly fine by me. All I ask is that they respect my orientation. I don't really care if they fully understand it, to be honest. My siblings try harder than my parents though, which I'm very grateful about. I've spent a good majority of my life looking after my parents instead of the reverse, so I've never felt a particularly strong bond with them. I have to assume that's why I don't really care if they ignore its existence. My siblings thouigh, are very important to me. They've been wonderful about it. After the initial explanations and coming out were out of the way, they never tried to make me feel uncomfortable, or singled out for it.

 

Each of my siblings also already have a child, so there's no real pressure on me for more grandchildren. I'm the middle child so it's easy for me to fall through the crack sin that respect xD

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I've never had the "I'm Aro" or "I'm Agender" conversation with Mum, even though I'm out about being ace and have been since 2007 or so. 

 

I mean, it's kinda obvious... I don't date, I never sought to date - even back in HS and Uni.  The only dates I ever went on happened when someone got very persistent with me, asking again and again if I'd date him and it was just easier to give in, since I had no 'reason' not to (it really is amazing and horrible just how much we're socialized to have to justify not wanting a relationship/sex, especially for women/female-bodied people!  I didn't know what aromantic or asexual were back then, either... I just knew I didn't want to date and never wanted to have sex, but still thought I had no... 'right' is the wrong word... but close.. 'justifiable reason' is also close... to refuse).  I never prated about boys the way other 'girls' did (also didn't see myself as female, despite being stuck wearing this body, but didn't know there was a word for me there, too - agender!) and never joined in when friends started talking about what traits they wanted in a boyfriend or future husband, envisioning their weddings, and talking about sex.  I'm 40 now, and I haven't tried to date in decades.  I had one situation, about 2012, where I agreed to go out with a guy I'd met at work, but again, it was only to get him off my case.  I figured I go out with him once or twice, he'd realize I wasn't what he was seeking once I informed him I was ace and sex-repulsed, and he'd fuck off and leave me alone.  I've only had 3 relationships in my whole life that lasted longer than 2 weeks!  And none made it longer than 8 months!  So, yeah.  Obvious.  But I've still not had that conversation.

 

I guess I should.  But given how Mum reacts when I mention anything related to me being ace, this isn't a conversation I really look forward to having.

 

 

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I emailed my parents telling them that I'm aro ace yesterday (I probably would not have been able to tell them face-to-face). I did it just before I went to soccer training so that they had plenty of time to read it and think about it before speaking to me about it. This morning, my mum came into my room asking whether I wanted to talk about to which I responded, "there isn't really much to talk about". She was concerned that I might be limiting myself, to which I assured her that I wasn't. She also wanted to make sure that I wasn't depressed, which I'm not. And then that was it. No big deal. It's done now.

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I probably won't come out to my parents ever, if I can help it. I thing they will be much happier not knowing. 

My mother is a decorator by trait since my brother and I moved out and her favorite thing to decorate are weddings. She doesn't care who marries whom at all, she routinely decorates gay weddings (or rather our equivalent to them). As long as they have a wedding ceremony, she's in. She also loves and adores children. She wants to be a grandmother so badly. While I still lived at home, one of her odd jobs was taking care of a little girl while her single mother went to work. 

I have the fortune of having a brother, who's been in a steady relationship since forever and who'll probably have kids and get married, so he kind off covers her wishes already  (though he actually really wants to be an uncle, too...). But I'd still really much like to refrain from having to explain aromanticism to anyone so intrinsically romantic... She doesn't really listen to other weird shit I do or chose for my life so I highly doubt the conversation would be pleasant. She'd probably cry and get angry...

 

Well, I at least put the idea of me ever having baby's out of her head years ago, since I was very vocal about my discomfort of children as long as I can remember. That's enough for me! Funny enough, my former neighbors and friends of the family are way more prying, going from "do you have a boyfriend" to "a girlfriend then!" whenever I visit. I really like the guys, but damn I wish they'd just shut up. 

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I was recently back home visiting my parents, my sister and her long term partner were also there, and my Mum brought up becoming a grandparent. My sister and I were both super quick to shut her down (we've both long maintained/partially joked we'd be better piblings than parents. I'm aro and mostly uninterested, she doesn't want biological kids with her current partner because their genetics both suck). My mum pushed the issue quite a bit, basically saying she was expecting to have grandkids at some point, and would be surprised if either of us (let alone both of us) didn't have kids. I ended up telling her I was about 90% sure I won't ever have kids and then we changed the subject.

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I haven't told my parents about being aromantic or asexual.  They tend to think that a lot of the new LGBTQ+ labels that have been popping up recently are just silly fads by teenage that are trying to become special snowflakes.  While I've never heard them comment directly about aro/ace people, I image they'd have similar reactions.  I don't think they'd care too much if I never got married or had kids, but I think they would care if I tried to attach a label to it. 

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I haven't told my mom because I know exactly how she'd react. However, while I was questioning, I did ask her what she would feel if I never had a husband or any children. She told me she didn't know and asked me why, so I told her it wasn't in any of my plans and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life working and traveling. After that, she told me the usual, that I'd "eventually find someone/I haven't really meant guys" (holy hot damn I was most bothered about how amatonormative and heteronormative that statement was). Overall, she was fairly understanding, but I know that's only because she won't take me seriously. Eventually, I will. Probably when I get into college... It really honestly shouldn't be any of her business, but our family upholds a lot of traditions and literally came from nothing (financially) so it's kind of an obligation to stick with each other (otherwise you'll be ostracized and hated behind your back).

 

As for my dad, he hasn't contacted me since I was a kid for whatever reason, so I don't owe him anything. However, it's because of his absence that I owe my mom at least a "Hey, you know I love you and I'll take care of you when you're old like I promised, but don't expect any grandchildren. You can expect dogs, though." I know she'll probably chalk it up to her parenting and her tumultous marriage, and I can be honest with her and tell her that it played a small part in my aromanticism, but-- oh god idfk where I was going with this. She's going to blame my aromanticism on a lot of things, so I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to come out to her in a way that won't make her start hating herself (if anyone has advice on this, I'm all ears).

 

In the meantime, we're okay. She trusts me and respects my counsel despite the age gap and hierarchy. Trusts me way too much, actually, so I hope it stays that way even when I come out.

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I tried to come out to my mom, but eh it didn't really work out. :B  I was smack-dab in the middle of my last year of highschool so I'm sure she thought I was just worried that everyone around me was dating and I wasn't (even though only 1 out of my 6 friends has ever dated >>)  the fact that I was crying my eyes out probably alerted her that it wasn't a random thought but I don't really think she knew I was coming out.

Once I do I'm sure she and my dad will be supportive about my aroaceness, but I just don't wanna deal with all the explenations and conversation that will ensue, it was too emotionally exhausting when I tried it last time so /:  I might write a letter or something. 

But you should have seen the look on her face when she asked if I thought any of the boys at my school were cute, and I said nah and she was like ok but any cute person and I'm like, symmetrical faces and clear eyes and skin are biologically more attractive because they indicate good health :v it was super funny

 

On a good note, I'm out to most of my friends!  Woo :0

Sometimes I think they forget or don't really understand what it means to me (literally my friend the other day, when we were talking about storytelling, told me that stories with no romance are boring.  lmao who are you talking to??)  

But usually it's fine :v

 

Wow ok Long Post :>  oops I have a lot of feelings ok

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I'm not out to any of my family members. I want to come out to my mom because we're really close, but I highly doubt it would surprise her at all. She'd probably just shrug and say "alright" and that would be that. I am much more nervous about coming out as asexual. While she is not in the least bit homophobic, I still don't have a 100% take on how she would react to that piece of information. I'm thinking of coming out as aromantic first and then bringing up the asexual part much later on. 

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In my dad's very eloquent words, asexuality is 'bullshit'. I coordinated with agent zemaddog to gauge his reaction to asexuality. I didn't even mention aromanticism. Mum doesn't know. Unless dad mentioned it to her. My sister is very accepting of it, however.

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