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DannyFenton123

How Many Times Have You Heard This?

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I've heard it from a few strangers, who usually say the good old 'you haven't met the right person' line (OK, I can't discount the possibility 100%, but right now I don't really want to meet anyone). I haven't had anyone be really rude or aggressive about it, though.

My mum hasn't said it in those terms, either, but she has hinted now and again about thinking it would be nice for me to find someone to settle down with. I have told her I'd prefer to be single. There was a guy I hung out with for a year or so (I did 'like' him, but it wasn't exactly dating), and mum tried to guilt me into carry on seeing him when I said I was fed up of him, because he was treating me like crap (I could write a novel about that, but what killed it for me was stuff like him always wanting me to ferry him to the pub - even when I felt sick - so he could get drunk, when he knew there were alcoholics in my family and that I was fed up of seeing that shit all the time, plus a fuckton of other red flags). 

 

She also got angry when I let my boyfriend go earlier this year, saying stuff like I was making a rash decision and my best friend was making me do it (??), when she A) was also good friends with him and B) has a stable, long term boyfriend, and also C) the main person I was actually talking about my feelings with was my boss! OK, I had told my mum I still liked him, but I was hiding my real (non) feelings out of blatant confusion and fear - if I'd told her the truth she'd have been angry anyway, and would have asked why I was with him. 

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On 03/04/2016 at 3:10 PM, deltaX said:

I still remember when I was talking to my undergrad advisor about whether or not grad school would be the right choice for me, he started telling me what his grad school experience was like, and he happened to already be married at the time.  He then said that one important thing I should consider when making a decision is the difficulties of startig a family while in grad school, because I "seem like the type of person who would want to get married early".  I almost laughed aloud when he said that, because it couldn't be farther from the truth.

There's the assumption here of marriage being a "when" rather than an "if". Also something of a logical leap from "married" to "starting a family".
What's this really got to do with the path of your education anyway?
 

On 03/04/2016 at 3:10 PM, deltaX said:

I also have an elderly great-aunt, who thinks it's an absolute disgrace that I'm 21 and don't even have a boyfriend yet.  In her mind the only reason a girl should go to college is to find a husband, and she thinks my plans of studing computer science on my own is ridiculous.  I know she's just set in her ways, but I'm always fighting back anger every time she dismisses what I actually want to criticize my lack of a husband.

Is having a smart great-niece of no importance to her?

 

On 05/04/2016 at 4:31 PM, deltaX said:

I get this from the other direction:  "You're a smart girl in a male-dominated field, how do you not have a boyfriend yet?!?" ¬¬

Sometimes I want to remind people that finding a boyfriend isn't just a matter of finding a single guy, it's a matter of actually wanting to be in a relationship (which I don't).

IME this is where the vast majority of people fail to understand.
The desire, interest in, wanting to be, etc. in a romantic relationship, get married, climb the relationship escalator and so on is not a universal human trait.

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On 06/04/2016 at 3:35 AM, katicha said:

Especially since I've been raised in a christian family, I hear it all the time!

Though The Bible does not advocate marriage for everyone. Especially passages like 1 Corinthians 7.

 

On 06/04/2016 at 3:35 AM, katicha said:

And whenever I try to insinuate that maybe I won't get married (because realistically, finding a lifelong qp partner who's also christian, okay with me being aroace, accepts not having sex and only kissing a lil bit and cuddling when I feel okay with it and who matches my physical an moral requirements and with whom I feel completely comfortable and not ashamed to share my thoughts and feelings with will be rather hard cx), I always get the "Oh, there's someone for you. Don't be silly. And then you'll see, you'll love him so much and it'll feel so great and (all the bla bla about a cute love story and getting married and having kids and all that jazz)."

But expecting a single person to be one's ideal partner in all possible ways cannot possibly be "silly"...
 

On 06/04/2016 at 3:35 AM, katicha said:

Something I get a lot is also "Ohh do you have feelings for him?" every time I have a guy friend ^^' And even when I say no, they say that I'm lying and blerh

Feelings for != romantic feelings for.

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I've luckily not gotten this all that much. I can only think of two people who've actually done this, both strangers who I've never seen again. I actually wrote a blog entry about the first one.

http://abnormaldiversity.blogspot.ca/2011/03/gallant-knight.html

(Note that at that time I had no idea that aromantic and asexual were separate things.)

My parents have always been openly pro-LGBT rights, long before I hit puberty. So they were open to the idea that I could wind up with either gender, and although they didn't know about aro/ace people, as feminists they were pretty open to the idea that I might not want to marry. I think they'd also be fine with me not wanting kids, but since I've made it pretty clear that I really, really want kids my Mom is quite happy to fantasize about how much fun it'll be to be a grandma. I'm usually right there with her.

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Right now I get more "you'll meet someone" with the implication of getting married than "when you get married." It still bothers me though. I've also been getting a lot of "when you have kids" from people. 

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my mom makes the "when you find the one" comment, trying to be inclusive, but she's just jabbing me to keep trying. 

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