Coming out is hard

[Kricket93]

Hello! So I have identified as gay for a while and struggled with it but finally came out to my friends and family. Now I’m realizing that I might have been conflating aesthetic attraction with romantic and sexual attraction and that I might be aroace. I only just came out to some of my friends that I was gay and I’m afraid to come out as aroace and have them think it’s a phase. I’m also afraid that if I do tell people and then realize that I was demiromantic or demisexual that they’ll feel like I was lying or trying to get attention. I told one of my closest friends that I was questioning if I was asexual or not and she wasn’t very understanding. She seems to think that I might be ace because I was raped when I was a teenager and that my “trauma damaged me and made me not want to have sex.” I guess I don’t really have to tell anyone but I feel like I’m lying to them.

 

I guess I didn’t really have a question— I just didn’t have anyone to talk to this about so thank you for listening!

[JetSettingAro]

Wow Kricket, that sounds tough!

 

I think that sometimes society treats orientation too restrictively, while in truth, it exists on spectrum that is often in flux. Some people will waiver between a few orientations their entire life, and there is nothing wrong with that! It is quite possible that you might be a grey-romantic and/or grey-ace identity, or you might even be in an undefined part of the spectrum. it's okay to try to figure out who you really are, and you most certainly should not feel like you are living a lie. Surround yourself with allies, and let them be part of your journey.

 

As for talking about this with other people, keep in mind that many people are ignorant of aromanticism and asexuality. Some will react in a bemused way, others might try to dissuade you from being aroace entirely, just remember to stay true to yourself. In time, your true friends will accept you for who you are, regardless of your romantic and sexual identities.

 

 

 

 

[Holmbo]

I'm sorry to hear  about your troubles. I agree coming out is hard because so few people know about anything beyond gay or straight.
I'd say don't feel like you have to tell your friends or family just for the sake of it. I agree with @JetSettingAro that labels should help you, not make you feel like you have to defend yourself. Try to explore what you really feel, maybe talk to friends about it without going into labels, since they might not know much about those labels anyway.