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Blue Phoenix Ace

What is a crush?

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I posted this in another thread but maybe this warrants its own thread.

 

This may be a crush if:

  • You think about this person somewhat obsessively, in a much higher proportion than the amount of actual interaction you have with them, even when they aren't around
  • Imagining them finding a significant other (that isn't you) makes you feel a bit remorseful or jealous
  • You can imagine forming a long lasting relationship with them that puts them before anybody else in your life

It may just be a squish if you don't experience the above but feel:

  • You find them interesting
  • You like talking to them
  • You want to be around them, you feel your attention drawn towards them when they are around
  • They make you nervous or excited
  • You find their quirks and flaws endearing

That's not clear cut and dry, but some indication that it may be more than friendship you are feeling. Things that don't matter:

  • Other people thinking you would make a great couple

I'd be interested to see what other people think about squish vs. crush. This just my own opinion, not based on any kind of research or consensus.

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1 minute ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

You can imagine forming a long lasting relationship with them that puts them before anybody else in your life

 

This is true for my squishes too. Saying that this indicates more a crush lets suppose that romantic relationships are more important than platonic ones.

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I can sometimes get jealous when a friend starts dating someone. It has nothing to do with having a crush on them though. It's just the fact that they stop spending time with me and are preferring someone else. 

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4 minutes ago, eddie said:

I can sometimes get jealous when a friend starts dating someone. It has nothing to do with having a crush on them though. It's just the fact that they stop spending time with me and are preferring someone else. 

 

No, I think maybe this is different. The jealousy is that you actually want to be that person's partner, not that the partner is going to monopolize their time. Does that help to see the difference?

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17 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

 

No, I think maybe this is different. The jealousy is that you actually want to be that person's partner, not that the partner is going to monopolize their time. Does that help to see the difference?

 

Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. 

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This is very useful, thanks!

I wonder—is it possible to have both a crush and a squish on the same person?

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30 minutes ago, Sentient Android said:

This is very useful, thanks!

I wonder—is it possible to have both a crush and a squish on the same person?

I would say probably yes-- you both want to get to know them better as a friend, and you also want to date them. I don't think it would be unreasonable to have both (and one feeling may outlast the other, like if you stopped having a crush but you still wanted to be their friend).

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This is actually a pretty good division. And definitely helps explain away the squishes which I misinterpreted as crushes in the past. 

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Yes, thank you for this. Schools should teach this, it would make life easier.

Straight people must have it too. Its not just an aro thing. My allo friends confirmed that they'd have squishes on all sorts of genders, and they were a it embarrassed about that part.

Why nobody talks about this outside of aro/ace communities?

 

It is even more confusing when your identity mismatches. (Or loopsided? Is there a word for this?)

Like I had this massive squish on this boy in nursery, and people assumed its some straight romance thing. I assumed, because that was the only thing that was even remotely close to what I felt.

And then later on I had several on girls, boys, non binary people...and it was confusing.

And because I never had a crush, I guessed that is the thing I was having.

 

Nobody talks about this squish thing, I guess heteropatriarchy finds it too gay or too emotional or whatever and sweeps the whole phenomenon under the rug before anyone gets the wrong idea.

 

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5 hours ago, Sentient Android said:

This is very useful, thanks!

I wonder—is it possible to have both a crush and a squish on the same person?

 

I would say no on this one. The crush kind of supercedes the squish. I'm not sure that you could have romantic desires for a person but not want to be their friend. Right?

 

So are you all saying that I gave a good definition of a crush?

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5 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Yes, thank you for this. Schools should teach this, it would make life easier.

Straight people must have it too. Its not just an aro thing. My allo friends confirmed that they'd have squishes on all sorts of genders, and they were a it embarrassed about that part.

Why nobody talks about this outside of aro/ace communities?

 

It is even more confusing when your identity mismatches. (Or loopsided? Is there a word for this?)

Like I had this massive squish on this boy in nursery, and people assumed its some straight romance thing. I assumed, because that was the only thing that was even remotely close to what I felt.

And then later on I had several on girls, boys, non binary people...and it was confusing.

And because I never had a crush, I guessed that is the thing I was having.

 

Nobody talks about this squish thing, I guess heteropatriarchy finds it too gay or too emotional or whatever and sweeps the whole phenomenon under the rug before anyone gets the wrong idea.

 

I'm constantly amazed at how terrified straight guys get at any implication of gayness. Like in a game if someone calls someone else gay the get really offended, just why? "Ok cool im gay now but that changes literally nothing??" Or if you try to hug a guy they freak out and move away its so dumb.

1 hour ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

 

I would say no on this one. The crush kind of supercedes the squish. I'm not sure that you could have romantic desires for a person but not want to be their friend. Right?

 

So are you all saying that I gave a good definition of a crush?

From my expeirience, yeah. The few times people have said they thought of me as their best friend, who then got a crush, it always ends the friendship.

and yes the definition is good :D

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I get quite a few squishes. Sadly a lot of them are online friends. But the fun thing is to have a squish and also find them sexuality attractive. That is what confused me in the past and why it took me longer to figure out that I was aro. I thought that was a crush for a while. But nah I just wanted them platonically and sexually, just not what you described as a crush. This really does need to be taught though. It would help so many young people.

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I define a crush as strong romantic attraction towards a person. It's more of a feeling than a set of actions.

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13 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

 

I would say no on this one. The crush kind of supercedes the squish. I'm not sure that you could have romantic desires for a person but not want to be their friend. Right?

 

So are you all saying that I gave a good definition of a crush?

 

Yeah, it's a good crush definition!

I guess what I mean is that sometimes my crushes have "devolved" into squishes. Or at least I think they have.

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For me, what makes the difference is that crushes are much more based on sensual attraction and desire. I may want to use physical contact with a squish like with a cute puppy. With a crush, there's a real desire that is linked to attraction, so it's very different. My crushes are based on squishes, always, but they're deeply mutated. Being attracted to someone's personality, if this changes into a crush, makes them attractive and makes me desire physical contact with them.

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I know it's a squish when I feel comfortable and happy around them, when I feel like there are fireworks going off inside my chest and everything is warm and bubbly. I know it's a crush when I feel overwhelmed by a desire to reach out to them, when contact with them is so intense, it makes me feel like I'm burning alive.

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I agree with a lot of these distinctions and they definitely help to confirm that all of my attractions in the past have been squishes. What I'm unsure about is this distinction between physical affection and sensual attraction? I've experienced sensual attraction with most of my squishes and it was a strong pull to be constantly touching in some way, like sitting close together or hugs or play wrestling and I always thought of this as very platonic in nature. Does anyone else experience this?

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On 13.4.2016 at 11:11 AM, Robin said:

I define a crush as strong romantic attraction towards a person. It's more of a feeling than a set of actions.

I have to agree with this one. Of course, it doesn't exactly help in defining a crush to just abstractly describe feelings, but to me they are just that - feelings, that don't directly lead to actions or even a desire for actions.

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On 13/4/2016 at 0:14 AM, Sentient Android said:

This is very useful, thanks!

I wonder—is it possible to have both a crush and a squish on the same person?

Why not? I think I can experience several squishes simultaneously on the same person, or a squish augmented by layers. In the same way a romantic person might be conscious of the squishy layer of their crush. The only problem I see is the contradictory features like jealously, since my squishy layers were compatible among them.

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On 13/04/2016 at 0:13 AM, Cassiopeia said:

Yes, thank you for this. Schools should teach this, it would make life easier.

Straight people must have it too. Its not just an aro thing. My allo friends confirmed that they'd have squishes on all sorts of genders, and they were a it embarrassed about that part.

Why nobody talks about this outside of aro/ace communities?

 

I wonder if part of what is going on is that because romantic attraction is seen as so important any strong attraction is assumed to be romantic.
With allo-romantics not really knowing what to call a strong aestetic, sensual, platonic or other attraction...
Probably especially difficult for straight people in that they are least likely to have encountered any concept of "split-attraction". Whereas the idea of differing sexual and romantic attractions is fairly well known in aro & ace communities. It's also more likely to be recognised within LGBT+ communities. Whereas str8 culture has this strange idea that relationships between men and woman can only be romantic and/or sexual.

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Now I'm wondering if those crushes were really just squishes. I never felt romantically towards them... I don't think. I just wanted to be closer friends. No relationship. It did bother me to think of them being closer friends with someone else but I never quite thought about them being in a relationship with someone. My feelings didn't quite fit those in the category of indicating a crush.

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On 10 April 2016 at 9:37 PM, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

This may be a crush if:

  • You think about this person somewhat obsessively, in a much higher proportion than the amount of actual interaction you have with them, even when they aren't around
  • Imagining them finding a significant other (that isn't you) makes you feel a bit remorseful or jealous
  • You can imagine forming a long lasting relationship with them that puts them before anybody else in your life

On more than one occasion I've wanted to be friends with a person and hug them a lot, and thought about them somewhat obsessively when they weren't around (this was actually really distracting to the point of being annoying)... the thought of them being with someone else was fine, other than the fact that this probably meant they wouldn't consider me all that important. And I could imagine a long lasting friendship-type relationship with them, in which I consider them an important part of my life...

 

But I didn't have any sexual feelings for them (unless I tried really hard, which I could, but didn't see a point to doing that), nor any kind of romantic feelings (as far as I can tell, and I'm not good at this)...

 

I'm hesitant to think of my feelings for these people as crushes, even though it seems to fit most of the criteria...? :eyebrow:

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  • You think about this person somewhat obsessively, in a much higher proportion than the amount of actual interaction you have with them, even when they aren't around
  • Imagining them finding a significant other (that isn't you) makes you feel a bit remorseful or jealous
  • You can imagine forming a long lasting relationship with them that puts them before anybody else in your life

RE1 - what does this thinking about them obsessively really entail though? i have obsessive thoughts because of an anxiety disorder, so left that plainly it isn't helpful. i have obsessive thoughts about any new person in m life who is showing to be a friend, because it frightens me.

 

RE2 - if when a person does find a SO, and i feel relieved because of the above, does that mean i am aro or does that mean I have anxiety lol. I get jealous when my frineds have friends, and i do feel kind of jealous when my squishes get a partner. but if aromantic people can desire a partner, then that only makes sense right? or do aromantic people just don't get jealous if they want a partner for some reason?

 

RE3 - I thought aromantic people can want this too, a long lasting relationship with the partner before any other. 

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I feel with a crush you want to do more romantic coded things with them, like kiss and hold hands. I've got an on and off crush on someone who I also have a squish on, and while I'm in a more aro period I do want to do more romantic coded stuff with them, while when I'm full on aro I'd never want to even hold their hand lmao.

 

Ah, the joys of being aroflux :D

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^ that is interesting to me to read! While it is true that I enjoy the more romantically coded things and such. when i have a squish for a person, i don't have any extra desire for such things towards them or anything. mostly with a squish i just want to admire their personality I guess, to be near them as a friend essentially. before you said what you said, I would not have felt confident to say that. 

 

anytime that I feel a need to kiss someone or hold hands, it is very dependant on situation in the case of kissing, usually involving closeness of another person's face to mine. heh. and in the case of hand-holding it is almost exclusively when I'm either notably cheerful or notably sad. altho usually with a squish I am a little uncomfortable about that... and it could be said that is because of my wanting them not to think I am romantic towards them, but on the flip-side it could be said that it is uncomfortable due to romantic feelings making the gesture more real, so I am afraid to declare the former in case the latter is secretly true... although one would think that I am sensitive enough to notice romantic feelings if I had them in those moments... idk. 

 

edit: no, I am certain. thinking back on my most notable squishes. there was a lot of clear indication emotionally, that they were only a friend to me... I found myself even thinking, "I'd love to just stay friends with this person forever. but if they make romantic advances towards me, I will be ok to play along" I had to make that decision just in case, so that i would not act surprised or upset if they revealed secret feelings for me. the only time in which I declared that I felt romantically for a person, it was out of jealousy I guess, when another frined first declared (to me) that they romantically liked that squish of mine, I said that I felt the same way towards them too. but after a bit I realized that I didn't really, and was confused because I did feel special towards them, but it wasn't romantic, so what was it? (this was before I knew what aromanticism or a squish was) and TBH I would have been happy to be a friend while my friend dated her if it turned out that way (it didn't) but at the same time I was both frustrated with that friends behavior (he followed her around like a puppy, it was so obvious he pined for her, and that made my interactions with her as a growing frined look similarly pathetic, and i hated that) and also I knew that she was going through a stage of romantic pain because of her previous (and possibly recoverable) relationship. so I didn't want the friend to hurt her more by his romantic stifling of her. 

 

 

although all this does is reveal that my most intense "infatuation" feelings were squishes. I think that I am demi because I am wondering if a small set of friends/relationships ended with romantic feelings towards them. but here i am not so sure about my feelings. but that is not a squish or crush or anything so it's not meaningful to this thread hehe. 

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