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hippiesthop

Origins of Romantic Feelings

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As far as I'm aware, people can get crushes on you from the moment they meet you. However, and in my experience this has been more of a problem because both of us are then invested in our relationship, they can develop romantic feelings to you as they get to know you. Has anyone noticed any trends in which friends this happens to? Or any specific signs that what they're feeling is romantic and not platonic? I love my friends to death, but sometimes I get scared that they're developing crushes on me, and I think (hope) it's in my head and I'm just being paranoid (I probably am), but I don't want to lose another friend to my lack of romanticism and if anyone has an idea for preventive measures I'm here to hear them.

 

Another thing to note: From what I've heard, alloromantic people have trouble staying in sexual platonic relationships without developing romantic feelings or distancing themselves platonically. If I had to guess I would say this is due to cognitive dissonance, a psychological phenomenon in which when people do things they don't agree with it basically creates tension in their brain and they are likely to either fit their actions to their thoughts or change their thoughts to fit their actions. Since sex is viewed by society as romantic, doing an action they see as romantic with another person over time brings on romantic feelings. Thoughts?

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People can definitely develop romantic feelings well into a friendship even if they had no intention of it, sex or not. I think a lot of it has to do with not feeling completely fulfilled in life in general, and developing feelings towards people who are already contributing something valuable to their lives. There's already admiration/appreciation/compatibility in there, and we often find ways to apply what we already have to growing needs.

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Honestly I never realise until they let me know, or I say "I love you" platonically (for example after they said anamazing joke) and they get really serious. Whenever it happens I get that cold, sinking feeling again :T

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For me, this has pretty much happened with every male friend I've had (except one who was very gay.) 

It's hard to say when the feeling have developed, but I've personally started feeling scared when they start showing clear signs of interest. I've noticed things like lots of compliments, both on appearance and other skills, as well as more proximity. So they might try to stand closer to you, or hug you, or just things like touching your hand when you two talk. The sometimes also start making more sexual or romantic-type jokes, maybe to gauge your reaction. (Though I have to point out that I tend to make a lot of dirty jokes anyway, so it's hard to say when it crosses the line from being silly to actually being flirty.) 

 

It's not really that surprising that friends often fall for friends, after all, you already like the person as a friend and get along with them. So there's already some investment there. And from what I've heard, it's not too difficult for alloromantic people to develop a crush on someone. 

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Not sure, because allo people seem to develop crushes on people they otherwise would not be friends with. They can't really control it, so there is no real pattern.

 

Now, I'm just guessing (based on how sexual attraction works). I'm no psychologist, and I never really had these feelings or attractions, as I guess nobody on this forum really does....

But basically they'd have a few traits that they would find attractive? Also a few more they find attractive, but subconsciously?  And then if some of these are there in another person they may or may not start to develop feelings. This could depend on things like emotional state, current life events, mental health etc.

But because they aren't always aware of what makes them connect with someone, they can have a crush on someone without realizing it.

I don't really get it.

 

Behaviour wise, its really hard to notice if someone is romantically interested, because really depends on the person's personality. It can be the exact opposite of what another person does in the same situation. Some get touchy feely? Some people get really shy and almost invisible when their crush is around? Some get really awkward? Some are way too chatty? Others would do silly things to catch their crush's attention? Others just want to be around them and but never really want to talk to them?

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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I don't think there is much you can do to prevent somebody from developing a crush on you. Unless you want to start acting in ways that aren't really true to yourself. But, then you'd attract another set of people instead.

 

The best you can do is confront them when they express romantic desires towards you. And, I don't mean flirting, but an actual "hey you wanna go out on a date?". You have to be prepared to be honest with people. Don't be too shy to say no in order to spare their feelings. It would be worse to string them along if you really aren't into it at all.

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Yeah...I almost never notice when someone has a crush on me.  It has to be suuuper obvious for me to notice it.  I can literally only think of one time that I know a friend of mine had a crush on me when we were teenagers.  And he didn't ask me out or anything, so I didn't have to deal with rejecting him.  In fact, I've never had anyone ask me out.  I think I must either give off uninterested vibes or people are just scared of me.  Either way, I consider this a bit of an accomplishment xD.

 

I tend to just entirely ignore the possibility that someone could be interested in me romantically.  That allows me to act normally and not be awkward around people.  If I constantly thought about whether or not someone may have a crush on me, I would be uncomfortable and may act differently around them.  Even if I am getting a feeling that the person is acting a little differently around me than around other people, or that someone is flirting with me, I staunchly ignore it and refuse to change my behavior with them.  So far it's worked well for me :)

 

But I agree with @Blue Phoenix Ace, the best thing to do is be honest if they do go as far as asking you out.

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16 minutes ago, PerformativeSurprise said:

In fact, I've never had anyone ask me out.  I think I must either give off uninterested vibes or people are just scared of me.  Either way, I consider this a bit of an accomplishment xD.

Haha, I'm the same. Nobody has (seriously) asked me out in my entire life. And I don't think I've ever been the object of anybody's "crush" ever. I think I just give off the sense that I'm not really interested (or maybe I'm just ugly :P ). Either way, it doesn't really bother me because I don't feel like rejecting people is something I want to do often.

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2 hours ago, PerformativeSurprise said:

But I agree with @Blue Phoenix Ace, the best thing to do is be honest if they do go as far as asking you out.

Yeah, but also to be simple. People can be aggressive and childish when they aren't getting what they feel entitled to... So you don't have to explain why or give reasons or apologize. Just say no if its safe do so in that situation. If it isn't, then try to get out of it ASAP without making them angry.

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I generally assume the other person is romantically interested in me if they try to monopolize my time--like, if they try to keep talking to me when I'm alone, if they keep trying to butt into conversations I'm in. Also, if they start giving me exaggerated compliments for little/no reason, like "you're the coolest person I've ever met" when we've only had one conversation, I immediately get suspicious of romantic development. The last sign I try to look for is nervousness and excitement. When they're around me, I pay attention to the way they look at me--when someone's romantically interested in me, their eyes get wide and they grin a lot, even if I just said "hello." I also pay attention to the way they talk to me. If they're shy, and they talk to me in whispers even though there's no need to be whispering (so I have to get closer to hear them), then it's usually a sign of attraction. If they're outgoing, then they'll invade my personal space and get really close to my face when they're trying to talk to me.

 

Generally, as a lithro, I've used annoyance as a measure of how much people like me. The more annoyed I am with their actions, the more they probably like me--assuming that they're acting on their desires. Some people avoid their crushes like the plague...like me (because I don't want anything to do with them!).

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I'm glad I asked this, hearing other peoples' thoughts is really interesting.

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We have a topic with almost the same title/discussion. Mods, should this be moved or not?

 

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That's an interesting article. I disagree with a lot of stuff in it, but one thing I found interesting was the author's love of water was equal to (not just equivalent, literally the same) as how she experiences romantic attraction. At first I thought she was saying she's romantically attracted to water, which she kind of is, but whatever, but then once she got around to explaining why she thought that it got more relevant to my curiosity. She says romantic attraction is something you feel with your entire body, and if she says it's the same feeling as her love of water, I am not qualified to say she's wrong.

 

She goes on to talk about scientific reasons for romantic attraction, though she tends to mix that and sexual attraction. Though I suppose some people who don't use the split attraction model probably think they are the same thing.

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4 hours ago, Simowl said:

 

 

Topic was merged. 

 

 

 

Ok.... But it wasn't a discussion. I was just posting a link to a news article in the area that says to post news articles. 

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23 minutes ago, eddie said:

 

Ok.... But it wasn't a discussion. I was just posting a link to a news article in the area that says to post news articles. 

Yes, but because the topic of the article and the topic of the discussion is kind of the same, so if people already follow that discussion, they will see your article... Also, questioning people who just stumbled upon this community, might try to use this forum as a source of information, so if its well structured, they will have easier access to it.

Also, this way we won't have billions of almost identical threads, so it will be much easier to look up something somebody posted 2 months ago? (At least that's how it used to be on a similar forum I frequented-mods/admin correct me if I'm wrong)

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People can definitely develop romantic feeling well into a friendship. I think it's a combination of things. Obviously, they already like the person and like spending spending time with them, or they wouldn't be friends. Then there is sexual attraction (if they aren't ace). In romantic people these two things combine into romantic feelings, which we as aromantics don't really get. One variable in this equation doesn't happen to us.

As for signs, I think Vega pretty much summed it up:

On 4/10/2016 at 1:03 AM, Vega said:

For me, this has pretty much happened with every male friend I've had (except one who was very gay.) 

It's hard to say when the feeling have developed, but I've personally started feeling scared when they start showing clear signs of interest. I've noticed things like lots of compliments, both on appearance and other skills, as well as more proximity. So they might try to stand closer to you, or hug you, or just things like touching your hand when you two talk. The sometimes also start making more sexual or romantic-type jokes, maybe to gauge your reaction. 

Those are the signs I encountered, especially the compliments. I think in these cases, if you want to keep your friendships, you have to "kill it while it's young", and set the boundaries as soon as you see this. You might still lose the friendship if that's all they were interesting or if they can't take rejection well, but it's better than letting it drag on because you don't want to rock the boat, which might end up with them feeling like they were "led on".

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On 4/10/2016 at 10:34 AM, hippiesthop said:   

Another thing to note: From what I've heard, alloromantic people have trouble staying in sexual platonic relationships without developing romantic feelings or distancing themselves platonically. If I had to guess I would say this is due to cognitive dissonance, a psychological phenomenon in which when people do things they don't agree with it basically creates tension in their brain and they are likely to either fit their actions to their thoughts or change their thoughts to fit their actions. Since sex is viewed by society as romantic, doing an action they see as romantic with another person over time brings on romantic feelings. Thoughts?

I think it's because sex can trigger oxytocin release, which can cause feelings of attachment.  

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