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briesplease

Questioning Sexual attraction while super aro

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So I've always just assumed that I was straight, but I was always open with talking about attractive women but always kind of left at that. I was never averse to the possibility, but because I'd never really had an experience or every felt like I "liked" women so I just assumed. 

I've recently had my first wlw experience which I enjoyed, it opened my perspective on what I like, but I am still feeling kind of weird. Like it's cool that I now know that I'm not straight (still hesitant to chose a label, so I am still questioning but identify as queer.) but have no desire to act on it, like I have no desire to actively pursue men that I find attractive unless it's a more convenient situation. 

 

I'm feeling weird because I want to feel "true" to this new discovered part of attraction, but because I'm super aro and I never felt that my sexual desires were the least important part of my life. Like I really hated ever talking about my sex life with people to the point that people assumed I was gay anyway. I still feel the same way, but I don't want it to feel like I'm hiding my life even though I know that I am just a secretive person. 

 

I dunno, I think Im conflicted with the culture of the LGBTQA community and wanting to be out and proud and having this be the forefront of my identity, but I don't feel this way. I really don't think it's important for people to know all of my business. Like who gives a fuck who I fuck, but also knowing that why should anyone need to know? 

 

Has any one else experienced this? asking for a friend (me)

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I'm kinda the opposite in that I'm very open about my identity and I enjoy queer culture in a lot of ways, but I totally understand that queer culture is not for everyone.  I know you aren't the only person who thinks being queer just isn't a big deal and doesn't want to talk about it.  I've met plenty of people like this.

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i'm very straight.  by which i mean i've never been sexually attracted to a woman (or romantically, obv--in term of squishes/platonic attraction i'm like pan but i think pretty much everyone is).  i'm not opposed to the prospect; it's just never happened.  my heterosexuality is not a big deal, especially compared to my aromanticism--i'm not worked up about acting on it, which would be evident from observing my life.  😄  but i agree, while i'm fairly open about my aromanticism, i think sex is a weird think to discuss in casual conversation (it's fine if other people like to).  anyway, orientation is defined by attraction, not action, so only you can define yours.

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Perhaps if you don't have any desire to act on your attraction that's more important than the attraction itself? 

 

I'm gray sexual myself and would be open to try something sexual with a woman I found good looking if given the opportunity. But I wouldn't actively pursuit anyone since I don't really know that I want it. I also don't have that much interest in queer culture, I don't feel part of it. 

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@Eklinaar Yah I'm sure I'm not alone. Like I don't mind discussing my attractions and relationships with my close friends, I am just one of those people that believes not everyone is entitled to that information, as I am not not entitled to theirs. 

 

@aro_elise I open about my aro-ness when its relevant, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything, I just don't think it matters. All of my relationships are very personal to me, It made sense to me that I may have a wlw experience eventually, but because I didn't feel too strongly about i just assumed I was straight. 

 

but @Holmbo you may be right. I never really consider that I may be a gray ace because I really do like sex but just never cared to go out and get it which I just assumed was due to being super aro.  

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I am fairly secretive about attractions and relationships in my real life world. I do really think that it is no one's business most of the time, I am certainly not going to come out to people I am rejecting a date from, and I don't really care what orientation any of my friends are (their orientation is not why I am friends with them, so who cares?). The friends I have come out to with labels for myself was mainly for educational purposes.....and in one case to explain why I couldn't bring myself to care anymore 2 hours into a conversation about dating. 

 

However I do feel it is a very big part of who I am, though I did accept myself before I even knew there was a label and a community. So I just sort of make people take me as I am without knowing labels. Especially as with gray labels and favourable/neutral/averse/repulsed reactions change from person to person and would probably need much explaining when all you need to do is spend time with another person and be honest about your reactions when they come up. I have been to LGBTQA+ events (mainly protests) and it is sufficient to say you are there to support a cause you believe in, and if anyone asks about orientation a polite 'not you' is all you need. 

There may come a time where I will turn into a spokes person and proudly wave the aro flag to educate people, but for the moment I am not comfortable giving that much personal information about myself to randoms en mass. 

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On 6/29/2018 at 2:06 AM, briesplease said:

I dunno, I think Im conflicted with the culture of the LGBTQA community and wanting to be out and proud and having this be the forefront of my identity, but I don't feel this way. I really don't think it's important for people to know all of my business. Like who gives a fuck who I fuck, but also knowing that why should anyone need to know? 

Nobody has a right to know any more about your sexuality than you want them to. You're not required to share personal or intimate details with anyone, if you'd rather keep those things to yourself.

 

Being queer only has to be as significant a part of your identity as you want it to be - you get to define who you are, and what that means to you. You don't have force yourself to try to find a more specific label than "queer" if you don't want to!

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On 6/29/2018 at 3:06 AM, briesplease said:

I dunno, I think Im conflicted with the culture of the LGBTQA community and wanting to be out and proud and having this be the forefront of my identity, but I don't feel this way. I really don't think it's important for people to know all of my business. Like who gives a fuck who I fuck, but also knowing that why should anyone need to know? 

I had a same-sex experience much earlier than you and I thought my attraction to men had tapered off in the meantime. Well that turned out to be wrong… so I'm technically bisexual.

 

Now, if you're gay or lesbian and have or want a live-in partner, the big issue arises that everybody around you (family, friends, neighbors, …) can infer your sexual orientation. That's not a problem for me, obviously.

 

Also I'm totally out of the loop regarding how to actually try a M|M experience again; it won't be a relaxed experience as when I was in my teens – I spare you the details. So I don't. Therefore my technically non-straight sexual orientation is a total non-issue for me. Who needs to know?

 

With aromanticism sharing your sexual orientation with the people around you for me feels a bit like telling them about random other sexual preferences. And if they're pretty much theoretical it becomes even more pointless… like massive oversharing? If I was gay and wanted a romantic partner it would be very different.

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To be honest, I'm the same way. If asked about my tattoo, or if I'm 'seeing anyone', I take it as an opportunity to come out as aromantic, because awareness and dismantling amatonormativity is important to me. But otherwise it just...is. I don't bring it up if it's not relevant. 

 

Similar kind of thing with my sex life -only a few people know anything about it. I have a weird thing where I'm casually open (like telling my housemate I'm going to an orgy), but otherwise don't disclose anything about my sexual partners. I frequently tell stories about past sexual encounters, but only my best friend (and housemate by necessity, lol) know who I'm currently intimate with. And I really don't feel a need to be an out and proud pansexual, unless it's relevant (like if I'm on Tinder and wanting to connect with other queer people - or let them know that I'm into a connection). Otherwise, I feel like it's not anyone else's business, and what I'm into is so outside of the norm (kink, poly, group stuff) that I wouldn't feel comfortable casually talking about it anyway with people that aren't a part of the communities themselves. 

 

I've run into this a bit in queer culture and spaces, where it's almost unacceptable to not be super open about your sexuality. I feel like this has a lot to do with the violence and erasure experienced by queer people, and it's completely legitimate to want to be out and proud, and to take up that space. But I feel like there also needs to be space for the quietly queer, who don't really care about other people's intimate lives, and don't really want other people to know about theirs. It's just being private about highly personal stuff - and that is allowed, and nothing to be ashamed about or question whether you're repressed or not. Even if you do experience shame or repression, it's still no one else's business unless you choose to share that with them. 

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13 hours ago, ladyasym said:

If asked about my tattoo

Ooh, is it something aro related? 

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On 7/28/2018 at 3:02 AM, NullVector said:

Ooh, is it something aro related? 

It's an enigmatic circle on my left middle finger. I read that an 'unofficial' aro symbol is to wear a black ring on that finger, and I prefer tattoos to jewelry, lol. :) 

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