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aromantics in romantic relationships


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Here's something I've been confused about for a while:

So some asexuals are very repulsed by sex, some are indifferent, and some like sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction. 

It seems as tho it would be the same for aromantics. Personally I'm not interested in romantic relationships but are there aromantics who want one?

What are your experiences on the topic?  

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I wouldn't say I want a romantic relationship, but I do want physical and emotional intimacy, and for a long time I thought the only way to get that was from a romantic relationship.  It's still really hard to find someone willing to be intimate outside a romantic relationship, especially at my age, so I've been in a number of romantic relationships.  Most of them were miserable experiences, mainly because my partner would pressure me to do romance-coded or gender-coded things or berate me for not being romantic enough or masculine enough, so those tended to be short-lived.

 

I did have one romantic relationship that was very good.  That partner had strong feelings about how harmful it is to pressure people into certain behavior, so she wouldn't do that to me.  And while she's alloromantic, she thought a lot of the way romance is structured in our society is bullshit, so she actually liked that I wasn't into it.  We communicated really well and we wanted similar things, so we talked a lot about what we both wanted from the relationship and were both able to provide that.  It was a really good relationship and sometimes I still miss being with her, which I can't say about anyone else I dated.

 

I was at a point in my life where I probably would have given up on having romantic relationships and on having intimacy in general if that relationship had gone poorly.  All my intimate relationships since then have gone poorly, but I know it's at least possible for me to have an intimate relationship that works.  I'd prefer not to have another romantic relationship and build some different kind of intimate relationship, but if someone like her who actually listened to my experiences wanted one, I'd at least consider it.

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1 hour ago, Eklinaar said:

I wouldn't say I want a romantic relationship, but I do want physical and emotional intimacy, and for a long time I thought the only way to get that was from a romantic relationship.  It's still really hard to find someone willing to be intimate outside a romantic relationship, especially at my age, so I've been in a number of romantic relationships.  Most of them were miserable experiences, mainly because my partner would pressure me to do romance-coded or gender-coded things or berate me for not being romantic enough or masculine enough, so those tended to be short-lived.

 

I did have one romantic relationship that was very good.  That partner had strong feelings about how harmful it is to pressure people into certain behavior, so she wouldn't do that to me.  And while she's alloromantic, she thought a lot of the way romance is structured in our society is bullshit, so she actually liked that I wasn't into it.  We communicated really well and we wanted similar things, so we talked a lot about what we both wanted from the relationship and were both able to provide that.  It was a really good relationship and sometimes I still miss being with her, which I can't say about anyone else I dated.

 

I was at a point in my life where I probably would have given up on having romantic relationships and on having intimacy in general if that relationship had gone poorly.  All my intimate relationships since then have gone poorly, but I know it's at least possible for me to have an intimate relationship that works.  I'd prefer not to have another romantic relationship and build some different kind of intimate relationship, but if someone like her who actually listened to my experiences wanted one, I'd at least consider it.

I too am like that... when I was growing up all my “crushes” were more about ‘ I wanna kiss him/hug him/have sex with him’ but not ‘I would like to be his girlfriend or romantic partner.... I crave physical intimacy but i lack romantic attraction which confuses people that’s why my last ‘Romantic relationship’ was weird to alloromantics because we had a friendship with sex and physical contact incorporated into it & we did not do much that would consititute as romantic.... and what romantic relationships ‘should be’

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For me, typically romantically coded actions (hugging, kissing, holding hands, sex) can be done in a platonic way and I am comfortable with doing them with anyone I am friends with (not so much sex).

4 hours ago, Zorcodtoa said:

I want romantic relationships the same way I want lasagne - I can't stand the white sauce and don't like the cheese either but I may crave the rest.

I think this is a good analogy of why I would engage in a relationship that is "romantic" (I'm in it so it can't be full romo). I want all of the hugging, kissing, and hand holding but often times in order to establish a relationship which meets these, it may be required that it has to be romantic relationship.

 

But I think that whatever the label maybe, there just needs to be full honest disclosure on both ends to what both are looking for in a relationship so that no one is hurt.

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  • 3 months later...

I tend to want a romantic relationship, but more because i want that closeness, that special person. I like those romance-coded things, heck i like those cutesy dates and stuff, but i don't experience romantic attraction at all.

that said, i'm still really new to the aro scene and inexperienced with relationships so

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I am okay with most romance coded activities (holding hands, snuggling, hugging, flirty bickering, long walks on the beach at sunset, pina coladas and getting caught in the rain). However I certainly don't want a limerance love-that-consumes relationship but if there was someone interested in a subtle old-married-couple type relationship, basically a slightly more intimate version of flatmates (with or without sex), I would be open to it. I guess I would fit under the generally indifferent label. 

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So, I have been in two romantic relationships (the most recent one ended a while ago).

 

On 4/4/2018 at 1:28 AM, yenyyoo said:

I think this is a good analogy of why I would engage in a relationship that is "romantic" (I'm in it so it can't be full romo). I want all of the hugging, kissing, and hand holding but often times in order to establish a relationship which meets these, it may be required that it has to be romantic relationship.

 

But I think that whatever the label maybe, there just needs to be full honest disclosure on both ends to what both are looking for in a relationship so that no one is hurt.

 

I want all the hugging and cuddling and just being close, too but going further I'm just not comfortable with. My last SO and I were fully honest and he knew from the start that I was aro and potentially ace ( I hadn't really experimented because I was always just not comfortable with that level of intimacy) but I think he kept hoping that it would change but that was who I am at the moment and it just became suffocating with all the expectations.

So in short, I don't mind labelling a relationship a romantic one as long as I'm not expected to behave a certain way and not be pressured or stuffed in a box of expectations.

I kept thinking something was wrong with me or that I was broken because I couldn't meet the expectations (as I said I wasn't sure about the ace thing) and in my opinion that is kind of a toxic relationship, more damaging the mental state than the emotional support can balance out.

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A couple of hours ago, I "broke up" with a woman I'd been on about 4 dates with and had sex with once.
She was getting more and more romantic, more emotionally involved, and it was getting more and more uncomfortable for me.
Dammit, I really enjoyed her company though! And the intimacy and kissing were really nice.
But... I didn't want to deceive her. And I didn't want to hurt her. 
So I basically outed myself. I told her about my (now only about 7 week-old!) revelation about being aro.
She was very kind and non-judgmental about it, but obviously it revealed a very critical incompatibility between us, and ... that was it. She left.
I'm so sad.
Now I'm thinking... it's hard enough to find someone who you're compatible with, and mutually attracted to... but am I also limited to women who are either aro or just "unavailable" in one way or another? There may be very little intimacy in my future. 
OR... is this revealing that I'm not completely aro, but just on the spectrum?
Or, am I just sad because I'm a compassionate human and I hated hurting this woman tonight?
I'm kinda confused.
Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread, but my thoughts seemed like they might fit here.

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  • 1 month later...

I was a serial dater shortly before realizing I was aro. Not because I wanted a romantic relationship, but because I craved the emotional/physical intimacy. I like cuddling, kissing, and even sex, but I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with the person.

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  • 3 months later...

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