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Blue Kafka

How to find companionship for life?

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I'm aromantic but allosexual. This year i'll turn 30, and as usual, on this age we seemingly being push to be in a relationship. I'm okay with being single but i guess i'm also feel okay with being in relationship with someone, as long as he was open minded with labels, which is hard to come by especially in the city/country that i'm living in.

 

All of my best friends mostly married and have their own life to deal with. I guess I'm somewhat feels lonely since i lost my friends one by one.

 

I have tried dating apps to find someone but in the end it was futile because i lost interest in the middle of it. I have been close to this 1 guy, but when i thought by dating him and have relationship with him means i need to spends most of my free times with him have made me suffocate. In the end i back out and lost interest.

 

what should i do? I don't mind to get married as long as i can have a loyal companion and monogamous sex friend. Lol. But i don't like getting attach to someone, especially if i'm not comfortable with them. Uggh.. So complicated. :/ I don't have close friend who still single and only a few friend who understand and open about me being an aro (mostly girls). And it's also quite stressful when my coworkers keep pushing me to be in relationship with someone. 

 

Need help!

 

and i also been wondering, does any of you (especially for aro) have ever felt jealousy? 

 

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This is a tough one.  I don't have an answer, and I wish I did.  I also want committed companionship, but romance feels stifling or just bizarre to me.  Most of my friends are married, too, and they don't make time for friendship any more.  The few friends who are single are devoted to their careers and/or pursuit of romance.  Finding people where I live who are open-minded about sexuality, identity, and lifestyle is somewhat common, but they still are not open-minded about romantic/aromantic needs.  Ideally, I would be with someone who is independent and wanted a balance of doing things together and doing things alone, but still liked to cuddle and have sex a lot, and share food.  I don't need monogamy, but I do like loyalty and devotion.  Emotional intimacy and trust is something I crave.

 

I tried online dating for a couple years and it was awful.  Everyone just wants romance or casual sex, and I don't like either of those.

 

I mostly get jealous of my friends who aren't lonely.  I don't want the lives they have, I just don't want to be lonely.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you.  If I did, I'd be doing it, too.  Making friends here has been a good experience for me, at least.  There are some needs this community can't fulfill, but they are great, and they help, and I'm doing better now that I've found this place.

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Very difficult question! (The companionship one, at least. I think many of us can empathize with feeling jealousy toward someone. When I feel ignored by a friend I can definitely get jealous and upset, in a way not unlike how couples get jealous.)

I'm not sure if it would work, as I haven't tried it myself, but I know that there are some internet-based forums that set up meetings between people who are alike. Where I live, we have something called meetup.com and on that site you can find groups in your area who share your interests and want to make friends and things like that. You might even find specific groups for people like yourself - who would love to find a companion but not in the traditional romance way. Other ways you might be able to find someone like this is by making friends with a local LGBTQA+ community that is welcoming. You might be surprised to find people who are looking for the exact same thing as you!

 

In sum, I think that meeting more people, making friends, and opening up (when possible, as I know that outing yourself to people is not always what you want to be doing) are some ways you can find people like you, who want the kind of relationship you do. Hope that helps even somewhat. :)

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Thank you so much for your response guys @Zorcodtoa @Eklinaar @running.tally Much appreciated it! 

 

@Zorcodtoa you're so lucky. i wish people's around me won't bother about my relationship. Thank God my parents not too nosy about it, but they're still expecting me to get married one day even though i already gave them a hint that i don't want to do it. *sigh* 

 

@Eklinaar yes, i agree with you. It's hard to find someone who have the same prespective like us, not only in online dating but also irl. I wish we could find someone, who could at least, understand and accepted they way we are. I have this one friend and i think she is also aromantic (because we're quite similar) But she's not aware that she is one. In the end, she is marrying her boyfriend (they have been dating since college). She said she doesn't love him but the guy doesn't mind about it. she also said by marrying him feels like cohabitating with a bestfriend and she like it. Apparently the guy accepted all of her conditions, and it make her feels comfortable with their relationship, which is very nice. that got me thinking to find a companion instead of finding a husband. Lol. 

 

@running.tally hey, that's a great idea! Why i didn't think about it before. Haha Thank you so much! I'll try to be more open with people in local community. I don't mind talking with new people, but the only problem is i don't know if there is a LGBTQA+ Community in my country. *sobs* maybe there are many communities for LGBT, but QA+? i don't know, since Queer, Aromantics & Asexual is not common in my country. Even LGBT communities are still fighting about their rights in here. It's tough. Mostly people in my country are closed-minded & religious types of people. :( 

 

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I can definitely see how it can be tough to find like-minded people where you live, @Blue Kafka. :( It's a sad reality sometimes, and I hope it can change in the future. I think that being more open with people in your local community, like you said, is a great place to start though! So I wish you lots of luck. Especially since you mention that your friend is similar to you and has managed to successfully find a companion in a relationship that works for her, I think that it is definitely possible for you. :) Be patient (easier said than done, though, I totally get it). Even just being a roommate with a friend can help you feel like you have a companion but without the commitment right away. That would also get your parents off your back at least temporarily, maybe!

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@running.tally yes, being patient is definitely the answer. thank you for your advise, dear. It's mean a lot to me. :) 

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This one comes with lots of trouble for me. I deeply wish to have someone to share my life with. The home, the joy, the sorrow, everything. But in order to conclude whether a certain someone is right for me or not, I need time. Lots of time. Apart from the face that I don't fall in love, I'm capable of offering support, lots of physical affection, intimacy and all... but only if I love that person... and love doesn't just "happen" in my case..that person must be worthy of it. I need to form a strong bond, we have to be comfortable and at ease around each other, trust each other...in other words, we have to be best friends. But I don't think anyone would wait for me. When a guy asks me out, with the intention of pursuing a relationship with me, what am I supposed to tell him? "I don't like you now because you're a fucking stranger, but I MIGHT come to love you deeply in two years' time"? The other problem is that I don't want children, ever. And this is the only thing for which there is no middle ground to be found. I lost the life partner of my dreams for this reason and I am still devastated... What we had was the relationship I've been dreaming of ever since I was 14. And I fear that I will never find what I look for.

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On 5/13/2018 at 11:04 PM, Ice Queen said:

 When a guy asks me out, with the intention of pursuing a relationship with me, what am I supposed to tell him? "I don't like you now because you're a fucking stranger, but I MIGHT come to love you deeply in two years' time"?

 

I'm really confused by the concept of dating for this exact reason. Also, when you don't know the person, it must be so awkward at first, just imagining it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

@Blue Kafka I don't think I would be happy in a romantic relationship but I'm definitely interested in a QPR but it's so hard to find, unfortunately. It's already complicated enough to find someone compatible with us, we really don't need family/friends to pressure us into dating...

 

About the jealousy part, I feel a little envious when I see how close a couple is. I'd love to have someone I could connect with like that (well not exactly like that but, you know).

 

 

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9 hours ago, Silyun said:

 

I'm really confused by the concept of dating for this exact reason. Also, when you don't know the person, it must be so awkward at first, just imagining it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

@Blue Kafka I don't think I would be happy in a romantic relationship but I'm definitely interested in a QPR but it's so hard to find, unfortunately. It's already complicated enough to find someone compatible with us, we really don't need family/friends to pressure us into dating...

 

About the jealousy part, I feel a little envious when I see how close a couple is. I'd love to have someone I could connect with like that (well not exactly like that but, you know).

 

 

 

I agree with you 100%.


I am actually happy being alone to an extent, especially since that means that I don't have to partake in romantic relationships, but it is a lonely road. I get jealous of the close friendship that many couples have, and I wish I could find a deep permanent friendship like they have. The truth is that I have built many close friendships throughout my life, but invariably those friendships wither away once the other party gets into a serious romantic/sexual relationship with someone else.

 

I am incapable of building a deep relationship that doesn't start as a friendship...so conventional dating is out of the question. As you say, dating really is a concept that I can't wrap my head around. Its like society has erected this barrier to keep those of us who don't follow normative romantic conventions out of their club.

 

 

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14 hours ago, JetSettingAro said:

I am incapable of building a deep relationship that doesn't start as a friendship...so conventional dating is out of the question. As you say, dating really is a concept that I can't wrap my head around. 

 

Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know. 

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15 hours ago, JetSettingAro said:

I am actually happy being alone to an extent, especially since that means that I don't have to partake in romantic relationships, but it is a lonely road. I get jealous of the close friendship that many couples have, and I wish I could find a deep permanent friendship like they have. The truth is that I have built many close friendships throughout my life, but invariably those friendships wither away once the other party gets into a serious romantic/sexual relationship with someone else.

 

This is my worst fear. I have some friends I'm really close to and I'm so scared to lose them once they get into a relationship. It just makes me sad to think about because that'd mean our friendship wasn't important enough for them. I feel like a lot of people take friendship for granted and it hurts because it means so much to me. To me, friends don't just "come and go".

 

1 hour ago, eatingcroutons said:

 

Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know. 

 

Yeah I don't see why that's the norm. Nothing seems right haha. The worst is when in movies two people go on a first date and kiss at the end of it even though they met like, a week ago....

 

The whole concept is weird. Dating is like going to a job interview as both the employer and the one job hunting at the same time.

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5 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know.

 

Oh, you are definitely not the only one. I think close to 100% of the people I've interacted with on these forums feel this way 😁

 

It got me thinking: what actually is 'dating' and why is it something that weirds out most of us here? I sort of get the concept of trying to get to know somebody that you are 'interested in' a bit better (perhaps most typically a euphemism for 'interested in having sex with', hah, since as you pointed out @eatingcroutons you know next to nothing else about them at this point!). But isn't 'dating' rather more than that? Well, I just skimmed through the very long Wikipedia article on dating and they say there that 

Quote

One of the main purposes of dating is for two or more people to evaluate one another’s suitability as a long term companion or spouse

and

Quote

Social rules regarding dating vary considerably according to variables such as country, social class, race, religion, age, sexual orientation and gender. Behavior patterns are generally unwritten and constantly changing

 

So maybe it's both the ends and the means that we take issue with here? Conventional dating IMO typically assumes you have a particular end goal in mind (finding one central person to spend most of your time with) and want to follow a particular set of prescriptive, culturally ritualized, but often ill-defined and confusing, steps to get there. But when neither of those things are true (as I suspect they aren't for most of us here) then where does that leave us? (in terms of having socially accepted procedures we can follow to establish sexual partnerships, for example).

 

On 3/30/2018 at 3:05 AM, Eklinaar said:

Everyone just wants romance or casual sex, and I don't like either of those.

Same. And I also don't know what to do about it. 😕

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7 hours ago, Silyun said:

 

This is my worst fear. I have some friends I'm really close to and I'm so scared to lose them once they get into a relationship. It just makes me sad to think about because that'd mean our friendship wasn't important enough for them. I feel like a lot of people take friendship for granted and it hurts because it means so much to me. To me, friends don't just "come and go".

 

I'm not sure what your experience is, but I have noticed that couples only like to talk to other couples. Our so called "friends" treat us like we are diseased and avoid us like the plague, especially once they get married and have kids. At that point, if you can't talk about couples and parenting stuff then you are a worthless to them. :(

 

 

8 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

 

Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know. 

Ditto the thought. 😁

 

I mean you barely know this person, you met them last week and they are somehow already your "soulmate". Bizzare. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. It takes years to learn the ins and outs of another person, not a week.

 

2 hours ago, NullVector said:

 

Oh, you are definitely not the only one. I think close to 100% of the people I've interacted with on these forums feel this way 😁

 

It got me thinking: what actually is 'dating' and why is it something that weirds out most of us here? I sort of get the concept of trying to get to know somebody that you are 'interested in' a bit better (perhaps most typically a euphemism for 'interested in having sex with', hah, since as you pointed out @eatingcroutons you know next to nothing else about them at this point!). But isn't 'dating' rather more than that? Well, I just skimmed through the very long Wikipedia article on dating and they say there that 

and

 

So maybe it's both the ends and the means that we take issue with here? Conventional dating IMO typically assumes you have a particular end goal in mind (finding one central person to spend most of your time with) and want to follow a particular set of prescriptive, culturally ritualized, but often ill-defined and confusing, steps to get there. But when neither of those things are true (as I suspect they aren't for most of us here) then where does that leave us? (in terms of having socially accepted procedures we can follow to establish sexual partnerships, for example).

 

Same. And I also don't know what to do about it. 😕

 

I like that you call dating a "culturally ritualized" practice. It is somehow so ingrained into our society that if we don't date then we are somehow broken, or worse "hiding something". It used to be that people married for non-romantic reasons, but now nobody seems to do that anymore. Romance and sex are everything, and as has been noted, it is difficult in our society to have one without the other.

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22 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

 

Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know. 

What I find really odd and baffling is the way in which many allos can very quickly, sometimes in a matter of hours, get into a "deep" romantic relationship.
Very often marginalising, even ending, pre-existing relationships in the process.

The idea of dating being about "getting to know someone" seems reasonable. Though I'm unsure if this is how allos tend to go about it.

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This is so fun reading you folks, I relate so much!

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On 7/16/2018 at 9:55 PM, JetSettingAro said:

I'm not sure what your experience is, but I have noticed that couples only like to talk to other couples. Our so called "friends" treat us like we are diseased and avoid us like the plague, especially once they get married and have kids. At that point, if you can't talk about couples and parenting stuff then you are a worthless to them. :(

 

That is so sad :(. My closest friends are okay with me being aro so I don't think they'll ever see me as diseased but I think my family would see me that way if they found out.

 

You're right about couples. It is so boring when they have only two conversation topics.

 

On 7/17/2018 at 12:07 PM, Mark said:

What I find really odd and baffling is the way in which many allos can very quickly, sometimes in a matter of hours, get into a "deep" romantic relationship.
Very often marginalising, even ending, pre-existing relationships in the process.

 

I don't get it either haha

 

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Being a romance-repulsed aro, I am not seeking relationships, marriage, or sex right now. Plus, my experience with possible relationships were not so favorable. A girl bullied me after she claimed to like me and then rejected me for basic friendship. I'm just not ready for any relationships. I prefer my cat and a large plushie of my favorite video game character for companionship; they don't lie, cheat, steal, or otherwise judge me for who I am.

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Do you want to be in a relationship with someone? If so, I suggest you look at my post. :) If not, I don't know what to tell you, except I'm sorry and I empathize. 

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Wow can't tell you how much I relate to all these posts above. The only reason I have ever wanted a relationship with anyone is for companionship and emotional closeness. I've never been able to keep friends for more than a few years either and it's rubbish to think I'm just going to be alone forever. Ah well, maybe someday I'll find a qpp.

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On 7/17/2018 at 6:07 AM, Mark said:

What I find really odd and baffling is the way in which many allos can very quickly, sometimes in a matter of hours, get into a "deep" romantic relationship.
Very often marginalising, even ending, pre-existing relationships in the process.

The idea of dating being about "getting to know someone" seems reasonable. Though I'm unsure if this is how allos tend to go about it.

That's one of the few things that makes sense to me, honestly. My relationships with my current best friends both felt "deep" pretty quickly.

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