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What makes you feel romance repulsed?


Cassiopeia
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Luckily for me, I'm completely oblivious to other people's intentions/feelings towards me 99.9% of the time

 

But the moment I'm made aware of it, my body feels like caving in on itself

Worst thing evar!

 

There was an aro tumblr pic I can't find anywhere, but it said "I'd rather listen to dogs barking outside my window, than have a man tell me how much he wants me" or something like that

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I think most of my repulsion comes from actually being in a relationship. I know I answered earlier, but the more I think about how I've felt before, and especially the last relationship I had (which is basically what led me to find out about asexuality/aromanticism), the more I realise it's something I used to like the idea of and sometimes kind of want, but not something I can handle in reality. It makes me feel sea sick!

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Does anyone else ever get this thing where if they're squicked out by a relationship between characters in something like a TV show or podcast, they get even more squicked out if they find out that the actors who play those characters are in a relationship IRL as well? Because that's a weirdly specific thing that I've just encountered, and I was wondering if anyone else ever had that reaction.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't like poorly written romance stories, but I'm only repulsed if they show poor consent practices. (One book I literally threw across the room because the male MC started kissing his coworker while she was quoting the regulations on sexual harassment, and the book seemed to think she was consenting because her body language didn't match her words.)

 

In real life, pretty much the same. The only romantic relationships that have bothered me were ones where I got warning bells from how they interacted - overly controlling, pushy, asking me to spy on their SO, etc.

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When people (mostly males) do grand ceremonious things for the other person that they could just as easily do themselves. Especially when they make a huge deal out of it and it just takes longer and looks dumb. I mean... most people can open their own doors and pull out their own chairs. And the whole room doesn't need to be notified that someone thinks you can't do it yourself. :facepalm:

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18 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I mean... most people can open their own doors and pull out their own chairs

The scene where Harry stands and pulls out a chair for Ginny in the 6th Harry Potter film is the worst. Like, she can do it herself. I know you wanna get it right because of how you failed with Cho, but this is too far if anything, Harry!

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  • 1 month later...
  • 3 months later...

-obsessive/possessive/controlling/stalking behaviour (I have a phobia for that already)

-overly-dramatised declarations 

-dozens of heart and kiss emoticons

-people who brag by posting constantly about their idyll on social websites 

-people who show affection too explicitly when with a group (hand gripping, hugs and pecks in semi-private, like when the two are in a park on their own bench or something, are decent and okay, but making out is not)

-pet names + saying "I love you" out of the blue on a (way too) regular basis

 :-?

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I'm only repulsed when I think of myself in a romantic situation.   Otherwise, I find romance very annoying and sometimes uncomfortable in movies (although I wouldn't consider myself repulsed), sometimes annoying in books, and I find my friends sometimes cute, sometimes ridiculous when they are being romantic-y.  

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I started as neutral regarding romance. There was nothing repulsive about it, just a strange aura surrounded it. Contrary to any other human interaction – with all their subtleties and nuances – what's special about it (the parts where it doesn't intersect with friendship or sex) didn't make any sense at all.

 

Having romantic attraction directed at me and forcing myself to reciprocate it (didn't know better) made me feel very guilty (correctly) and very broken (like a psychopath).

 

I strongly suspect it's conditioned behavior for me (don't claim it's like this for any other aro), though if I put, for example, my aversion against kissing (at some point it dawned on me that it was really a way to communicate strong and very real feelings) into words I sound like the worst germaphobe (but I am not anywhere else). I've recently started to always tell myself that I'm only different in this one area, and it helps very much. I notice that when calmly approached, romantic love begins to feel again as only strange to me.

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23 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

-obsessive/possessive/controlling/stalking behaviour (I have a phobia for that already)

-overly-dramatised declarations 

-dozens of heart and kiss emoticons

-people who brag by posting constantly about their idyll on social websites 

-people who show affection too explicitly when with a group (hand gripping, hugs and pecks in semi-private, like when the two are in a park on their own bench or something, are decent and okay, but making out is not)

-pet names + saying "I love you" out of the blue on a (way too) regular basis

 :-?

That not love for me... You just had the very definition of 'sickly behavior by sick people, please don't even breath near me or I will puke' u.u

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7 minutes ago, sarcastic kitten said:

That not love for me... You just had the very definition of 'sickly behavior by sick people, please don't even breath near me or I will puke' u.u

Well that's what I was trying to say, too. I'm repulsed by all those things. 

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On 04/05/2017 at 8:40 PM, Ice Queen said:

-obsessive/possessive/controlling/stalking behaviour (I have a phobia for that already)

Something interesting is that allos tend to find such behaviour desirable if it comes from "the right person". Even in cases where someone they are (romantically) attracted to and someone they are not is behaving identically towards them,
Whereas aros tend to the behaviour universally repulsive.
 

On 04/05/2017 at 8:40 PM, Ice Queen said:

-people who show affection too explicitly when with a group (hand gripping, hugs and pecks in semi-private, like when the two are in a park on their own bench or something, are decent and okay, but making out is not)

My feeling tends to be more one of envy. Since due to being aro (and other reasons) it's very difficult for me to find even one person i can do anything affectionate with :(

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  • 3 months later...
On 23/11/2016 at 11:59 PM, Cereal Tendencies said:

Luckily for me, I'm completely oblivious to other people's intentions/feelings towards me 99.9% of the time

 

But the moment I'm made aware of it, my body feels like caving in on itself

Worst thing evar!

 

There was an aro tumblr pic I can't find anywhere, but it said "I'd rather listen to dogs barking outside my window, than have a man tell me how much he wants me" or something like that

I am this oblivious too! Knowing how they feel makes me feel like ants are crawling under my skin when I am around them

 

On 13/12/2016 at 11:26 PM, Ettina said:

I don't like poorly written romance stories, but I'm only repulsed if they show poor consent practices. (One book I literally threw across the room because the male MC started kissing his coworker while she was quoting the regulations on sexual harassment, and the book seemed to think she was consenting because her body language didn't match her words.)

Surprise bad consent practices are the worst, especially if the romance quickly degrades into sex acts with no clear consents. At least if there is a warning that the story is noncon I can expect it and also have the knowledge that the author has the smarts to identify the thing that happens is not a good acceptable thing and should be warned against. 

 

On 14/12/2016 at 2:02 AM, SoulWolf said:

When people (mostly males) do grand ceremonious things for the other person that they could just as easily do themselves. Especially when they make a huge deal out of it and it just takes longer and looks dumb. I mean... most people can open their own doors and pull out their own chairs. And the whole room doesn't need to be notified that someone thinks you can't do it yourself. :facepalm:

So, I was raised to see most of this as acts of consideration. Holding and pushing in chairs is something that is done for all the older members of my family when we sit down to food and it can actually be handy when you are wearing stupidly large heels. I hold doorway doors for strangers and friends all the time, car doors I don't understand unless it is a chauffeur thing. But I guess specifically what you are talking about is when they rush or fight to be the one to do the thing and become all annoyed if you dare to do it to them as it undermines their perceived image of themselves as a provider/protector or some bull.   

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I think I am fairly tolerant of most things, mostly I find romance boring or pointless or I am happy it makes someone I like happy (like if your friend's favourite animal is a blobfish, and they finally get one for their aquarium. Yay! I am happy that you are happy, but I don't really want to see it or be around you fawning over it). But I have limits.

That thing when one of them does a high pitched bad grammar affectionate baby talk to the other one can make me physically ill. Also similar is when they mention anything like incest roleplay, like calling their SO Daddy or Mommy. Hells no. I'm leaving the vicinity. 

 

PDA is pretty bad but fairly easy to ignore, but if there is a couple feeding each other in public I will be put off my food as well as being hella creeped out. I can't even watch romantic feeding behaviour in movies/TV or read about it. Far too disturbing. Princess Mononoke is about the limit of feeding another person I can deal with before I get repulsed.  

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  • 1 month later...

Like a lot of people have already said here, I'm basically fine with romance in the abstract, but get squicked out by just the idea of doing it to somebody, or having it done to me.

 

E.g. I think it's quite cute when my parents (married 30+ years) hold hands, but the thought of someone doing this with ME kinda squicks me out. Same with kissing. Not sex though. That seems like it would be fun to try :D I don't know why it is that my brain has categorised hand-holding and kissing as "romantic" and sex as "sexual" :eyebrow: As they can all be some combination of the two... 

 

I think the underlying reason for my repulsion is that "romance" for me is associated with loss of an autonomous identity. So behaviours that my brain flags (rightly or wrongly) as "romantic" trigger my repulsion due to that underlying fear of becoming "merged" with another person and losing my separate identity. That's also, I think, why it only bothers me when directed at ME. If others want to "lose themselves in another", well fine, whatever makes them happy I guess, nothing to do with me, why should I care!  But if they want ME to "lose myself" then no thank you! Romance Repulsion TRIGGERED :D

 

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14 minutes ago, NullVector said:

Like a lot of people have already said here, I'm basically fine with romance in the abstract, but get squicked out by just the idea of doing it to somebody, or having it done to me.

 

E.g. I think it's quite cute when my parents (married 30+ years) hold hands, but the thought of someone doing this with ME kinda squicks me out. Same with kissing. Not sex though. That seems like it would be fun to try :D I don't know why it is that my brain has categorised hand-holding and kissing as "romantic" and sex as "sexual" :eyebrow: As they can all be some combination of the two... 

 

I think the underlying reason for my repulsion is that "romance" for me is associated with loss of an autonomous identity. So behaviours that my brain flags (rightly or wrongly) as "romantic" trigger my repulsion due to that underlying fear of becoming "merged" with another person and losing my separate identity. That's also, I think, why it only bothers me when directed at ME. If others want to "lose themselves in another", well fine, whatever makes them happy I guess, nothing to do with me, why should I care!  But if they want ME to "lose myself" then no thank you! Romance Repulsion TRIGGERED :D

I like plenty of romantic coded activities, including hand holding and kissing.

 

However I have very similar reasons for finding romance repulsive. It's the whole thing about identifying as "a couple". The whole "merger" idea comes across to me as the antithesis of being human. Also I see "partnership" as being distinct from merger...

 

I don't always find it "fine" if others just want romance. It can make it impossible for me to have much to do with people I like. Also seen people putting themselves through awful things trying to find "the one".

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40 minutes ago, Mark said:

I don't always find it "fine" if others just want romance. It can make it impossible for me to have much to do with people I like.

 

Right. I meant "fine" in the context of not feeling repulsed. But in other contexts, yeah, not so fine! I don't like the "exclusive" aspects of romance (particularly romantic couples). Just one example of this: I have a female friend and back at university we used to have protracted hugs/cuddles. It was nice. Now she has a husband and I don't know if this is still "allowed". This sort of thing doesn't trigger any repulsion though. I just find it a bit sad. Then there's also the standard "I'm in a couple now so now I'm going to ignore you and do everything as a couple rather than a group" romantic trope. Which also "can make it impossible for me to have much to do with people I like."

 

40 minutes ago, Mark said:

Also seen people putting themselves through awful things trying to find "the one"

Yes. But understandable, I suppose, when there is a lot of cultural messaging that this is the only way to be happy.

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2 hours ago, NullVector said:

I don't know why it is that my brain has categorised hand-holding and kissing as "romantic" and sex as "sexual" :eyebrow: As they can all be some combination of the two... 

Hand-holding doesn't seem sexual to me, though. More like mostly romantic and sometimes platonic.

 

It helps to consciously imagine scenes where kissing isn't meant romantically, over and over. Better yet, to experience it in completely non-romantic contexts.

(jeez, this sounds like NLP :$ I actually don't know if it helps anybody else but it did for me)

 

Kissing would still be uncomfortable/awkward for me if it is meant romantically…

2 hours ago, NullVector said:

I think the underlying reason for my repulsion is that "romance" for me is associated with loss of an autonomous identity. So behaviours that my brain flags (rightly or wrongly) as "romantic" trigger my repulsion due to that underlying fear of becoming "merged" with another person and losing my separate identity. That's also, I think, why it only bothers me when directed at ME. If others want to "lose themselves in another", well fine, whatever makes them happy I guess, nothing to do with me, why should I care!  But if they want ME to "lose myself" then no thank you! Romance Repulsion TRIGGERED :D

  1. I can't intuitively mentalize1 romantic behavior. That's an eerie experience, if you can intuitively mentalize any other common behavior.
  2. Being a total failure in the romance-department is regarded as pathetic. Romance = ticket to happiness. So it remembers you what a sad freak you are.
  3. For all the supposed LOVE, at least in the early phase, romance seems like missionary activity by Scientology2: lots of careful maneuvering and emotional manipulation with the goal of “absorbing” you. Like, when a friend asked me “Should I tell my girlfriend <dark secret X>?” … I'm just thinking: “Well, you already told me! If you love her sooooo much why is this still a question?!? O.o
  4. If romance was directed at me by someone I don't care about, there's not much to worry how to reject them. But if it comes from someone I already like and care for in my way…

=> Romance repulsion!

 

Points 1 and 2 are not affecting me anymore, which considerably reduced my romance repulsion. But I guess there is no way I can get used to points 3 (which is most similar to what you wrote) and 4.

 

1 Wiktionary: (psychology) To understand the behavior of others as a product of their mental state

2 phrased in a slightly hyperbolic way :D

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