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arokaladin

romance repulsion in qprs?

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hey there, I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed anywhere else on the forum, I'm still learning my way around, but if any of you have been in a qpr have you found that some aspects of the 'platonic' relationship still repulse you due to them being romantic coded? For instance even calling something a relationship making you feel trapped and uncomfortable. When I was in a qpr (which I broke off about a year ago after ending up too distressed to even talk to my qp) I never considered that things like kissing could make me feel repulsed outside of a romantic relationship, and saw no mention of this in any of the resources on qprs I read before entering the relationship. So I wondered whether it's an oversight that the community doesn't stress this more or whether my position is simply uncommon.

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I think QPRs already occupy such a strange and unpredictable space that there's no real standard for what's expected within a QPR, and I can see where some things could just resemble romance too much for comfort.

 

Honestly, I have zero interest in kissing, and I could see that creating romance repulsion for myself as well, so I imagine there's others who resonate with your words. I'm slowly discovering a growing desire for platonic touch, but I feel like I need lived experience to know what kinds of touch are still at risk of registering as romantic even if the intent is platonic. Once a certain type of touch gets associated with something you're repulsed to (be that sex, romance, or something else,) then it's not hard for that type of touch to become unpleasant.

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2 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I think QPRs already occupy such a strange and unpredictable space that there's no real standard for what's expected within a QPR, and I can see where some things could just resemble romance too much for comfort.

 

Honestly, I have zero interest in kissing, and I could see that creating romance repulsion for myself as well, so I imagine there's others who resonate with your words. I'm slowly discovering a growing desire for platonic touch, but I feel like I need lived experience to know what kinds of touch are still at risk of registering as romantic even if the intent is platonic. Once a certain type of touch gets associated with something you're repulsed to (be that sex, romance, or something else,) then it's not hard for that type of touch to become unpleasant.

Thank you that's really helpful and yeah I feel you with needing lived experience. I've given people pecks on the lips and also ya know, full on Kissed someone and now know I view the first as platonic and the second as romantic which is a distinction I'd never had thought about otherwise. association as the cause of repulsion is not something I'd have thought about but makes sense and helps a lot.

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I was wondering this myself recently. People come into things with their own ideas and likes and dislikes, so I guess learning from a lived experience would show some more things you hadn't previously known about yourself because this is a new experience with a new person. Maybe you have to be completely confident in them also being aro to be accepting of romantic coded things you were not completely comfortable in the first place? maybe not.

 

Say if they are fully comfortable with holding hands they might go about it in a blasé way which might trigger a aversion reaction simply because initially you are not as comfortable with it, those feelings might build over time ~this is the point I was pondering~ would it be a different story with someone else who was more careful at holding hands?

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I know this is an older post so maybe the issue was resolved, but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents on the matter. I think it makes a lot of sense that if you're really romance repulsed, than anything romance-coded wouldn't work for you even if the relationship is mutually platonic. I'm somewhere on the romance-repulsed scale (maybe more neutral? I think it fluctuates) and have thought that while I would like a QPR, I would want it it to not really resemble dating outside of commitment level and maybe a small increase in displays of affection and willingness to discuss personal issues. After all qprs don't HAVE to be very romance-coded, they can be more friendship coded with the only difference at all being commitment level (since I think that's the only Solid distinguishing feature between typical friendships and qprs). At least that's how I see the issue currently.

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