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Physical contact survey


Momo

Physical contact  

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10 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

So if you don't have a romantic partner, that probably leaves you with your closest family members where it is still accepted.

If you are romantic repulsed it's unlikely that a romantic partner would be a possibility.
The family option also depends very much on culture too.

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31 minutes ago, Mark said:

If you are romantic repulsed it's unlikely that a romantic partner would be a possibility.

I nearly wanted to write something like “since” instead of “if”.

31 minutes ago, Mark said:

The family option also depends very much on culture too.

So are there cultures where it's not even okay to hug (as an adult) your own mother? Well... but I'm not even surprised. Recently I learned that there really are still families in the US (South) where children use Sir / Ma'am for their parents. I always thought this was just a joke. :$ That's not teaching your kids to be polite, that's probably just narcissism. :D

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5 hours ago, DeltaV said:

And female friends are an absolute a no-go, of course.

I'm actually not quite sure where this comes from. It may just be cultural differences but here at least things like hugs are not uncommon between male/female friend pairs. I'm just personally too neurotic about being perceived differently than intended to actually do it.

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I'm what my friends like to call a 'strange little bean'. I love physical contact, and I love cuddling and hugging and being close to people and... yup. Sometimes I'm afraid I bother people, though. I actually haven't seen many other aroaces who enjoy being in relationships and physical contact like I do, so sometimes I feel alone :(

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2 hours ago, The Non-Month May said:

I actually haven't seen many other aroaces who enjoy being in relationships and physical contact like I do, so sometimes I feel alone :(

I do too! You're definitely not alone. The population of aroaces is small to start with though so when you start dividing it up into even smaller subdivisions then it can start getting harder to find someone very similar to you. But according to this completely informal survey apparently lots of aros do like physical contact so I'm sorry you've had some bad luck.

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8 hours ago, Momo said:

I do too! You're definitely not alone. The population of aroaces is small to start with though so when you start dividing it up into even smaller subdivisions then it can start getting harder to find someone very similar to you. But according to this completely informal survey apparently lots of aros do like physical contact so I'm sorry you've had some bad luck.


The survey does not indicate the proportion of the third of aros who like physical contact are also ace.

The paradox is that it may be easier for aro ace people to meet in comparison with aro people in general.
Because ace meetups and events are rather more common, than aro ones.

Few allo aros are likely to consider attending an ace plus aro event (even if they know it exists and would be welcome).
Ditto for heterosexual aros and, any,  LGBT plus aro events.

Looking on meetup.com for "aromantic" gives a list where all except two contain the word "asexual" or "ace". Ironically one of these exceptions is the closest one to me, but still a four to five hour train journey each way.

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My friends can touch me literally all they want (provided I know beforehand). I really do enjoy them touching me; I guess I'm just a very tactile person and enjoy the warmth of like, a friend hugging me. The really good friends are the ones who will snuggle up with you; truly the best. 

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On 7/18/2017 at 11:35 PM, Momo said:

I'm actually not quite sure where this comes from. It may just be cultural differences but here at least things like hugs are not uncommon between male/female friend pairs. I'm just personally too neurotic about being perceived differently than intended to actually do it.

Yes, hugs are not uncommon, or let's say certain hugs, which are initiated with open arms while still at a distance (a warning that a hug will happen ;)) and don't last longer than a few seconds, but anything more intimate than that is very, very likely interpreted as romantic, I would say.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I crave affection in general but it feels empty if I haven't built trust and emotional connection first.  The problem for me is that I start desiring affection from my close friends, but affection is coded so differently for them compared to how I see it.  And my desire to be affectionate with someone grows as my trust and sense of connection with them grows.  But that's not how it works for alloromantics, apparently.

 

As for what affection I like, I really like holding hands, cuddling, backrubs, and sometimes sleeping in the same bed.  Just, none of those things are coded romantic or sexual to me.  Cuddling and sleeping together are very intimate to me, so I prefer to only do those with people I feel particularly close to.  Cooking together can also be intimate to me.

 

I'm also allosexual, so I like all that, too.  I'm involved in a polyamory community and I find that polyamory is much more compatible with my feelings and desires than monogamy, but there's still some difficulty understanding each other when I date a polyamorist, and I still feel bewildered by romance in a polyamorous relationship.

 

On 7/18/2017 at 1:09 PM, DeltaV said:

I nearly wanted to write something like “since” instead of “if”.

So are there cultures where it's not even okay to hug (as an adult) your own mother? Well... but I'm not even surprised. Recently I learned that there really are still families in the US (South) where children use Sir / Ma'am for their parents. I always thought this was just a joke. :$ That's not teaching your kids to be polite, that's probably just narcissism. :D

 

I'm from the US South, and usually people are taught to call everyone Sir or Ma'am.  It's considered a way of showing respect.  However, it's an older tradition that has fallen out of use except in formal occasions, and it seems like the current generation of parents aren't teaching their kids to do it at all.  I haven't heard of only using Sir and Ma'am to your parents and not anyone else.  I have heard some say that you should always use Sir or Ma'am when addressing anyone older than you, but that's considered a very archaic concept these days only held by crotchety old people.

 

On 7/19/2017 at 3:35 PM, The Non-Month May said:

I'm what my friends like to call a 'strange little bean'. I love physical contact, and I love cuddling and hugging and being close to people and... yup. Sometimes I'm afraid I bother people, though. I actually haven't seen many other aroaces who enjoy being in relationships and physical contact like I do, so sometimes I feel alone :(

 

You're not strange!  There are definitely more of us.  I understand how you feel, though.  I had two very close alloromantic friends who would cuddle and hold me and do other affectionate things.  But when they got married, they said it wasn't appropriate any more.  I was so heartbroken.  I'd rather have friends who would be affectionate like that than romantic partners, but it often feels like I'm doomed to the pains of misunderstanding and invalidation in romantic relationships if I want any affection at all.

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4 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

I'm from the US South, and usually people are taught to call everyone Sir or Ma'am.  It's considered a way of showing respect.  However, it's an older tradition that has fallen out of use except in formal occasions, and it seems like the current generation of parents aren't teaching their kids to do it at all.  I haven't heard of only using Sir and Ma'am to your parents and not anyone else. 

I didn't mean calling only your parents Sir & Ma'am, but also calling your parents that way (instead of strangers, teachers, customers, business partners, superiors, etc.). It seems pretty cold to me to address somebody so close to you in such a formal way.

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8 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

It seems pretty cold to me to address somebody so close to you in such a formal way.

Formality and respect doesn't necessarily mean a lack of warmth, though if you aren't brought up in a culture with a high level of formality it can certainly seem that way.

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6 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I didn't mean calling only your parents Sir & Ma'am, but also calling your parents that way (instead of strangers, teachers, customers, business partners, superiors, etc.). It seems pretty cold to me to address somebody so close to you in such a formal way.

 

It didn't used to be formal in the South, it was just what everyone did to be respectful, kind of like honorifics in Japanese.  Respect and politeness are very important in Southern culture, much more so than in the rest of the US.  The South has been undergoing rapid cultural change for a few decades, and this custom changes significantly with every generation.  The next generation probably won't use these titles at all except ironically.

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