Arden

But that's so unrelated to aromanticism - psychology is not relative to romantic love whatsoever. If you're going to claim such ridiculous and dangerous claims, like telling someone they won't achieve their life goals, and telling them that they won't live past the age of 20 just because they don't experience romantic attraction, at least like back it up with some science or statistics. Show of hands if you guys know any aromantic people that haven't lived past the age of 20, and if you do, is it because they didn't experience romantic attraction??? Like make claims, but back them up at least, don't just shout dangerous shit around 😭

Ok, this is something I've never really considered as an aroace, but I'll try to explain my reasoning as best as I can. In my opinion, as a complete asexual: I'd rather there wasn't any sexualisation. But what I'd rather doesn't mean it's the best thing. In my opinion, if someone sexualises something, they take something that isn't intended to be sexual and make it sexual. Whether it is an object, or a human that hasn't shown the desire to be seen in a sexual light (eg, a schoolgirl, a child etc). Now I am all in for people expressing themselves as much as they want however, but it needs to reside in the realms of morality (eg, not sexualising children or child's objects, not telling children about their sexualising fantasies of characters, sexualising with consent etc,) because there is this key element to my definition that is you 'take something that isn't intended to be sexual'. So someone who has expressed a desire to be seen as sexual, they've already sexualised themselves. Of course, you must always ask consent before sexualising, even if the person themselves has sexualised themselves, however, it is key to separate the two. Someone who dresses in a certain revealing way does not mean that they wish to be sexualised. It simply means that they wish to dress that way, and should they wish to be sexualised, they will imply it with their words and actions. In all of this reasoning, the term sexualised is being used in the same way as my definition: taking something, and making it sexual when it could have not been seen as sexual. But sometimes this happens involuntarily. Again, personally I've never experienced any sort of sexual attraction so the extent to what I can speak on this subject is near none, however I presume that you cannot control what your brain finds sexually appeasing, and what it doesn't, in the same way you cannot control sexuality. However, it is imperative to then take the necessary steps and make sure your actions remain respectful. You talk to the person in question (should it be a person), and ask for their permission. Should it be immoral, you seek immediate help. But as long as consent is given and there's no immorality integrated within the sexualisation, I'd say it's perfectly acceptable. It's part of the sexual community, and it can lead to people exploring their sexuality, and sexual attraction. I can't see once certain boundaries are implemented, and as long as it remains completely moral and respectful, why it should be seen as a bad thing. Now, from what I know, there are certain kinks within the allosexual community that have been frequently shamed in the past, and are now using pride as a way to break from the shameful stereotype. Again, I'd argue that's completely separate from sexualisation: sexualisation is taking something which ISN'T INTENDED TO BE sexual. A kink usually stems from trying it out sexually beforehand, and then seeing that it makes sexual activity more arousing. So if it does stem from trying it out sexually beforehand, I'd presume that 9/10, it is with a partner (or multiple) and that it has been communicated through. Communication is important, to establish if something is morally correct, and to establish boundaries. This was really interesting to consider, especially as someone whose sexual attraction is in the negative part of the scale😭

Absolutely yes please. I am in desperate need to read up on aro (well specifically aroace but aro works too because it's my most recent awakening) books since I spent all these years pretending, hiding and thinking I felt romantic attraction, that I want aromantisicm to flow through my veins🤣 DM me if you ever start one. I've purchased your suggested first book: it sounds awesome :)))

Absolutely yes. I love book clubs. Like an aro (and other aro branches like aroace) specialised book club to get like book suggestions. Hell knows I need a lot of reading to catch up on all these years I thought I felt romantic attraction. DM me if you guys ever start one please

Because humans are complex people. Our subconscious may not be the most developed (see dolphins for further example), but we are incredibly intelligent creatures. So, to harness that intelligence and that capacity, we must do something completely dumb to counterbalance that: love. This is not only referenced to romantic love, but also platonic, family love alterous love etc, but any kind of love can be seen as a threat to natural survival. Why do mum's die to save their children? Because they love them. Why in films the love interest dies for the main character? Because they love them. In purest subconscious form, we try to preserve ourselves and stay alive: it's a natural instinct. However, loving someone defies all those natural instincts. I'm aroace, and I love someone. I fucking love my best friend/queer platonic partner (we haven't worked out the details yet 😭) but I can feel love. God knows it's not romantic love, nor platonic, but I'd fucking die for her. And why? Because I'm a fucking moron. To summarise, anyone who feels any sort of love (whether they can help it or not), is dumb. However, we should take pride in feeling love, no matter how little, or what type, because despite its downsides, it has many upsides too. You start to enjoy life more. Before I met my other half, I was a fucking bitter wanker. I used to be envious of other's achievements, I used to aim to be the best, no matter the success, or the upset of others. However, when I met my other half, I started to enjoy the success and happiness of others. Sure, I no longer strived to be the best person, but I smiled everytime I saw my friends get an achievement and I gained so much more happiness in my life. So really, love exists everywhere, and it has it's time and place. You love a hobby, you love a human platonically, you love an animal, I suppose there are so many layers to love. But even if you don't love anything, that's fine. Remember, free will exists 👍

Basically, this forum is the only thing I know in regards to meeting sites. I know that there are a lot of aroace safe spaces on TikTok that I've used, and that I got into a discord groupchat that was aroace inclusive and it did kind of help but the lucky thing for me is that out of the immense population that there is in our school, there is literally only 2 aroace people (me and my best friend), so we literally only had each other. I'm more than happy to ask around for any discord servers that are aroace inclusive and share them with you, but the only reason I've found someone who was aroace is because I literally had no one out of a population of about 1200 that was aroace. Sorry that seems a bit counter intuitive giving you advice but not actually the resources to implement it, but I would reccomend your average social media like TikTok, Instagram, Twitter and Discord.

No but literally- that's a whole other story There could be so many character arcs, and such interesting character development if authors and movie writers decided to actually focus their energy on developing the character's personality, not just integrating a love interest. Like it's easy to create thousands of characters with weak and unestablished personalities but to create one character that has an in depth personality, one that draws upon philosophy, and psychology: that's talent.

Ok I have quite the list to be honest (ironic since chances are slim for me to ever have kids), but I've always found beauty in names. Nina- I really like this name because it just gives me a lot of serotonin. It's also the name of a song by Hozier 'Nina cried Power'. It's a song about protest, and about giving power to induviduals who do not have power. “Nina Cried Power” also guides us into a new era. It’s not just a salute to activists, it’s a protest song itself. While it doesn’t protest anything specific, it could be interpreted as protesting public apathy toward major changes in our political and social spheres. With all his heart and tact, Hozier aims to mobilize people to action. Louis - this name is related to King Louis the XVI, and an amazing (overplayed, but still amazing) song called Viva La Vida. “Viva La Vida” tells the story from the perspective of King Louis XVI and is linked to his last speech, after his monarch was overthrown and he was about to meet his death by guillotine. As he was strapped down on a guillotine bench (bascule) and his neck set in place, the former ruler gave one final speech before he was executed in which he proclaimed his innocence and concern for his former kingdom. It's a song that inspires love, and revolution. It's also a song used in TikTok about the indomitable human spirit. Arden - I picked this name for myself because it's the perfect mix between masculinity and femininity. It doesn't imply anything but human. And it's also a slight oxymoron because it means biblical paradise however, it is close to the verb 'ardem' which in my home language (romania) it means to burn. Which is ironic, again, because it shows the battle that eastern european countries have with queer identities, and that my name is meant to symbolise the burning of that hatred. Richard - the person mentioned in 'Perfect Sense by Arctic Monkeys'. He's Richard of York. It's a song about the complete sense of love, and how much it makes sense to be in love. It's the sweetest song about love. Not platonic, romantic or sexual, but the overarching theme of love. Unfortunately the name just has connotations of old men with an office job in finance, however, maybe it will actually come to be a nicer name with nicer connotations. Arabella - this is obvious. This is the arabella song from AM. However, it's also for me, a very powerful and sort of suffocating feminine name, which I LOVE. It's unapologetically feminine, and that's amazing.

I've always felt sort of 'destined' to be aroace because I'm autistic, and I tried not to give into it but it's sort of been putting me down for a while now. Like yes, I'm autistic, but I can still have a decent grappling understanding of love. I really thought I could feel romantic love for a while, and in all my other relationships I acted decently interested romantically and sexually in the other person. However, I don't feel romantic love. And people sort of use my autism as an excuse to sort of 'justify' why I'm aroace and use my autism as a cause or correlation. Like I'm broken. I know this is all wrong, but I do need some help sort of telling people to piss off, and that autism is not linked or correlated with aroace and that it doesn't invalidate my sexuality.

I really like romantic stuff, and that includes songs. Ok fair enough, I'm not into romance at all (literally, when I came out everyone wasn't even shocked), but the fact is, some romantic songs relate to love and I do still feel a lot of love (especially for my queer platonic partner) and for my best friends so really, I just try to apply it into that sense. Like arctic monkeys, their love songs are amazing because they're either so abstractly written that my dumb brain cannot fathom how it's related to romantic love or just written about love and I can relate it to my own life. Some examples for me include (all of these are Arctic Monkeys songs) Piledriver Waltz - this song is clearly about love, but never actually specifies what type of love. Love is a Laserquest - this song is clearly about love, however it's not extremely sappy or even romantic - it just describes love. Perfect sense - THIS SONG is mwah. It's short, but it's absolutely phenomenal. It described my feelings when I first realised how much I loved my partner. Big Ideas - This song (I think) is about an engagement, but to be honest it's so vague you can barely relate it to romantic love I wanna be yours - ICONIC. Was my favourite for a while. Fine, I'll admit, it's very clearly sexual and romantic, however it sort of sums up love and the despair of it. That's where you're wrong - This song is just amazing, and it never links to romantic love, but sort of showcases the idea of soulmates. NOTABLE SHOUTOUT: Bon Jovi- You give love a bad name. I LOVE THIS SONG because it sort of makes me feel like yes, traditionally aroaces 'give love a bad name' but so what? We do us and we deserve to feel comfortable in our own skin.

Ok, but this is smth that I've kind of wanted to vent abt for SUCH a long time. Why tf are the aroace stereotypes so polar? Like seriously, aroace ppl are either nerdy, shy and innocent or complete psychopathic killers with no interest or heart. And why does every person in the world seem to think aroace ppl fit one of these stereotypes?? I recently came out to someone, and their reaction was 'but you're too confident to be aroace'. So? What's the correlation to me dressing like a total slut with my sexuality. That's like saying that gay men must wear dresses, which is ridiculous. I don't have to do anything. I dress, act however I want and that should have no correlation whatsoever to my sexuality. I apologise that my scandalous outfits, and outgoing personality (and mind you, I'm really not that confident, it's only around my friends) mean that I must find romantic and sexual attraction in people. And what is it with all the villains on the planet being coded as aroace? Take Sherlock Holmes for example (and yes, it must be the BBC version). Now I'm not saying he's a villain, but he certainly hasn't acted friendly in the SLIGHTEST. The guy is a 'high functioning sociopath' for fucks sake. But we see him clearly be coded as aroace when he keeps saying that 'relationships are futile'. Like hey, you slay my dude, but why must you also be a sociopath and be aroace? That's why I personally love the idea of John and Sherlock being together- breaks that negative aroace stereotype. So yeah, boohoo to anyone who ever enforces these stereotypes onto me, and heavens forbid you do.

Ok, so I have some advice for this because I was in the exact same situation. I've always been kind of lucky, because my friends are the biggest straight allies to exist on the planet, but I still felt like they would eventually end up with their own families, husbands, and I would be left alone. And I constantly had this impending sense of doom, and just buried any true feelings and slapped on a mask of romantic and sexual desire. However, it didn't really work, and I had to come clean to them both. My first piece of advice is to talk to your friends about it. Tell them what you are scared about. Like for me, talking to my friends made me realised that they are the biggest allies ever. Some dumb little straight people tried to put themselves into my painful position and work out solutions. It may be that they can't do much, and you can't ever ask them to sacrifice their romantic love: but at least they're aware what position you are in. Make it clear to them that you'd never ask them to pick between people, but merely just letting them know what your position and feelings are. My second and best piece of advice: QUEER PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS 🥳. There is something as a queer platonic relationship. Maybe you've heard about it, or maybe you haven't but honestly, if you communicate with your partner it is honestly the best thing ever. I had a decently close friend who was aroace like me and I asked her a BUNCH of questions about being aromantic since she was the only other person I knew and then we bonded over smaller things, and now she is literally my closest friend, and we're considering getting into a queer platonic relationship. I experience the best label for it is 'alterous' and it's basically in between platonic and romantic feelings for her, and she feels strong platonic attraction. We've been discussing how scared we both are to end up alone in the world, and from there we just sort of stemmed this bond and now we're in the process of working out through stuff but honestly, even if it doesn't work out with her, I'll still try to get into a queer platonic relationship. You could always try to get involved in social media groups, or find local aroace (or just aro) people through meeting sites etc. It's always a good shout.

For me, it was the fact that I still love someone right now, and I'm still in a relationship. I had a pretty abusive relationship for a year, and I thought that because of that I couldn't feel romantic attraction anymore, so I always felt like it was a 'you're traumatized' situation, not a 'you never felt romantic attraction in the first place'. I also had a crush for a year and a half, but it wasn't ever romantic I figured out. I'm working around with my partner and we're considering the label of being 'in a queer platonic relationship' since we're both aroace but to be honest we're not really just 'best friends' and she agreed that as well. The thing is, I don't want to live alone. I don't want to be alone, and I'm actually quite fond of people, but I've sort of always imposed romance onto myself because of the fear that everyone will eventually choose romance over their friends. All the 'found family' and 'living with friends' tropes were always my favourite in literature, and I always wanted that sort of relationship with my friends and I figured: it's ok for a while, but then after a certain age they will both end up having romantic feelings and I don't want to have romantic feelings and I can't. So that's probably when I decided to consult with a friend, who was aromantic (who is now my partner).