Jeeperz_

This is a personal essay I wrote for one of my classes about being aromantic and asexual. I hope you like it. Something Is Not Right The whole world started to fracture around me. The grime of Nate's couch, the itch of his woolen blankets, the stench of weed, a place so unfamiliar to me and my mind was revolting against it all. I had always suspected there was something wrong with me, like a storm rising within, from around the fourth grade. It came stumbling onto me at that moment, a cascade of panic and wrongness punching me right in the face, knocking me down swiftly and mocking me happily. I leaned over the side of the dirty beige couch; I drank metallic water from the stained glass cup and it gave me little comfort. I tried to focus on the buzzing TV, my heavy breathing, anything to distract myself from the body heavy atop me and what every single person in my life seemed to want me to do. What I should want to do, I reminded myself, you want this. I pushed down the lump in my throat. The ride here had been long and uninviting. We hummed along in Dane’s old car, listening to bad pop mixed with country off her personal playlist through old speakers that jittered at the change of each song. It was dead middle of the night, the roads pitch black and frightening, only dulled by the occasional honey-colored streetlamp. It was just the three of us, Maci, Dane, and I. They laughed at the absurdist idea: we’re driving a whole hour so that Dane could bang her boyfriend. But of course that wasn’t all, of course, that couldn’t be it all. They both stressed on every occasion that Maci and I would have the downstairs couch all to ourselves, making it very clear the expectations for the night. So they went on talking of sex and the adjacent; I, the strangeness of it all. I suppose it’d be a lie if I said it was just them. For the past few weeks, every acquaintance I knew came up to me under the fluorescent glow of the hallway lights to weigh in on my love life. ‘She likes you, you know’, from our closest friends, band kids with bright shocks of tacky dyed hair or the people they dragged along that we barely put up with. ‘She did these things, you know’, from people who almost knew me, concerned citizens almost always looking for drama. But worst of all, ‘Are you really considering this?’ from the people who only knew of me, the people who knew all too well the world of trouble I was getting myself into. Words flew by more wildly every day, the rumors growing in a violent symphony, low whispers following me everywhere I went. Despite how bad it was getting on the outside, our inner friend group stayed warm to the idea. They giggled like schoolgirls, asking for the gory details, everyone waiting on me to tell them exactly what they wanted to hear. Slowly, the thought formed in my head, growing more concrete every time I gave it attention: give the people what they want. So there I was. For preparing to do something so adult, I was feeling so very small. It felt like I was nine years old again, watching everyone around me get crushes and write love letters. What it felt like most of all, was that I was out of place, the fifth corner piece in a battered puzzle, something wrong. She was on me, and I was climbing out of my skin. I stood in front of me, watching it all happen. I saw my hands move awkwardly, a combination of panic and inexperience, watched the TV blast pale, almost sickly light on us. I listened to the sounds coming from upstairs, hollow creaks of bed frames and floorboards, things that made me uncomfortable to even imagine, observed the condensation forming on the glass, little drops of clear liquid contrasting the calcium stains riddling it. I did anything to distract me from what was really happening. I dragged it along, stretching out every move I made, blocking any progression she tried. I could do this, I could run out the clock. If I was in any better frame of mind I would have probably told myself to get it over with. Push through, this is what people do after all. But something primal came over me. It turned into survival, a matter of life and death. I was a stark white rabbit, hiding poorly in the bushes and waiting for a bigger, badder predator to chase away the one hunting me. But just like that, it was all over. Dane and Nate came back down, everyone made their disappointment known, but it was over. I went to bed alone that night, lying and saying that my mom needed me just to escape another night sleeping in the too-soft bed of a woman everyone seemed to want me to sleep with. Laying by myself, alone in my too-big bed and too-plush blanket, everything caught up to me. The storm building within me started to overflow, trickling down my face in large tears and solidifying everything I had been feeling. Something is not right, my brain rasped in a foul screech, this is not what people feel. I found myself on the same website that seemed to haunt me, something I knew in my soul but denied in my mind. Arocalypse: welcome and forum rules.

tits

i just want to forget about it. i just want to stop feeling her on me all the time. i just want to be okay again.

aplatonic just means not being platonically attracted to someone. most aplatonic people still have platonic relationships, they just don't look at people and want to be friends with them. same way that aromantics or asexuals cans still have romantic or sexual relationships, they just don't look at people and want those things. hope that makes a little more sense.

i guarentee you it is not looks. i am one ugly mf and 132 cm and i get loads of action. idk if it's because im not picky or bc im actually charming, but i am 100% sure that it is not just looks bud. are you acting like an incel? that's a pretty big turn off. i think you're probably just worse at communication than you think. no one really thinks of themself as bad at communication, they just are.

i'm not sure how a bunch of aromantics are meant to answer why no one is romantically attracted to you. also, this is far too little information for anyone to give you answers off of in my opinion anyway.

i think it's important to keep in mind when thinking about this that correlation does not equal causation. frankly, i don't really think it matters if there's a correlation because that wouldn't really tell us anything. there is a HUGE stereotype that aromantics are intelectuals, but it doesn't mean much. even if there was a scientific correlation between these two things as well, it again doesn't mean much. it's the same way with everything else. there are plenty of stereotypes about all sorts of groups of people, but that's just it, stereotypes. engaging in things like this is usually damaging because it just renforces the idea while overlooking the wider, more important issues of a group that is varried and diverse. i think it would be a better use of everyone's time to invest in other issues rather than engaging in stereotypes and correlation that doesn't really tell us much about aromantics. no hate, just saying.

I'm not really sure, I think it can be a lot of things but it is only ever really described as between romantic and platonic. I would say if you're just having physically attraction and platonic attraction, it might just be an aromantic thing. I don't really experience physical attraction though so I might not be fully equipt to speak on it.

QPRs are one of two things generally. There is a lot of variation, and that's probably why the internet isn't giving you many answers, so this is by no means exhaustive. Firstly, long term platonic partnerships. This is basically where you enter a long term partnership with a friend, doing a lot of things couples would do like buy a house together or even so far as have kids or get married together. The second is when you are in a relationship where you are both feeling alterous attraction. This is an attraction that is in the middle of romantic and platonic. If you have any more questions I'm happy to help!

when i found myself thinking, 'maybe if i try hard enough, i can make myself fall in love with her.'

Important update, I am much more versed in weed now... I feel stupid.

"water is wet but wet is not water because wet is all liquids... I think"

I'm offended at your use of an exclemation point!

I already did this when I first made the account, but a lot has changed since then. Hi, my name is Jules. I use he/it/pup pronouns and I am aroace. I am romance repulsed but sex favorable. I love writing, reading, forensics speaking, and punk music. I need friends TwT Feel free to reach out to me! Insta and discord both quaint.pile4

I mean this in a completely platonic way. I just never want to know a life without them. I want to move into a little house far away and bake things and watch movies and adhbfaiudsnfailwdnfw. I just don't understand how most people don't feel things like this. I just wanna stay up late sending little goofies to thing and hahaheheing like little kids. This is what it means to be in love, and I can't believe I went my whole life before this not understanding it. It's weird how when I finally accepted not wanting romance is when I understood what love is <3