Karasu

Helloo~ So I had my first sexual interactions with someone. And I just want to talk about it, because it somehow drives me insane, haha. Don't understand me wrong, he was very kind and tried his best that I feel good. But! I just didn't, lol. I know, I can't suspect that it will be super good for the first time. But idk, I realized that my body reacted, but myself didn't. My head was full of toughts and I coulnd't relax. And than it was too much for me, so I stopped it. What was okay. We couddled, what was also okay, but somehow also annoyed me - a bit. The whole experienced was to me more like a movie what was played and I was the watcher. I just let it happened because I tought, girl, just let it be, look how it feels and if you like it or not, you need to have this experience someday why not now? So I did. We also kissed what I also didn't like that much, but he did so he kissed a lot what was also annoying for me, lol. I mean, whats the point of kissing? I just absolutely don't feel it, not a bit. I just kissed because he seemed to like it. And he said he liked me - a lot. I could't response. And now I am going crazy because idk, I want my chill, lonely, virgin live back. He asked when we will meet next and it stresses me. What does he expect then? I know, talking about how you feel is very important but it's so haaaaard! I just want to hiiiiide. Now, if I think about the situation I am feeling anxious, at the edge of crying, confused and stresssed. I know there is someone who likes me but I can't like him back. I am just feeling nothing. At the beginning it was curiousity I guess. But now this is gone, lol. What also feels kind of weird is that my brain somehow pushes this night away? Idk, I felt a bit like a robot. I don't want to blame him because he asked if anything is ok several times, it was just me... Sorry for the spam I just wanted to write this down. If you like to response, I would be glad to hear about your toughts.

oh yes, this! Friendship is just a great safe haven

I don't know if it's just me or other aromantic people. but i just love my friends. I feel so much for them, love to give them little gifts or help them - just love them so much. but not in a romantic way. and I think that often it's just me who feels this way and others don't consider friendship to be so strong and emotional. Alice Oseman got to the heart of this in her book loveless. "I've learnt some things. [...] Like the way friendship can be just as intense, beautiful and endless as romance. Like the way, there is love everywhere around me - there is love for my friend's, love in my paintings, there is love for myself" So which experiences do you have with this? 🧡

When I was in primary school, my classmates all had crushes on boys. I just didn't understand what they found so great about them, they always annoyed me. It wasn't really any different at secondary school. There was one boy every year who everyone had a crush on. For me, it was just stupid excitement for nothing. But somehow I also wanted to belong, to have a crush on someone. When a new boy came along in my last year at school, I chose him as my crush. I did my best to pine for him, just like my friends used to pine for their crushes. I really thought, wow, I finally like someone! But now, I think I was just wishing I had a crush, just to belong.

yeah you might be right about that. I've never been in a relationship and also never dated anyone seriously, I think he really is scared that I'll never find someone haha. Or maybe he just can't imagine how people can permanently be happy without beeing in a relationship...

Aunt: Sooo, do you still have no boyfriend? Me: Nope, I'm happy single My Dad: Haha, yeah, that's what she tries to tell herself Me: No, seriously, I'm happy single My Dad: Hahahaha, yeeeah, sure Me: (ノ°益°)ノ

i felt the same way about the festival guy! ...but with my dance partner it was like that i already knew him well and wanted to be together with him. i think. at that time i put a lot of pressure on myself because of this whole relationship thing... everyone around me was in a relationship, was happy, i actually wanted that too. and i thought my dance partner was the right one... But then all of a sudden little things started to bother me, very banal things, right on prom night. A schoolmate said he had "girl's eyes" because of his long eyelashes. He's a huge idiot, but somehow it also bothered me. He and my twin sister's boyfriend both have red beards and their physiques are similar, but that's about it. Still, I thought, do the others think I've chosen someone who looks the same? because we're twins? He was also drunk early on, which I found a bit repulsive and annoying? In the morning I was still looking forward to the end of the evening, but the closer it got the more stressed I felt. When we talked about trying a relationship, i was pretty drunk. but as soon as i woke up the next day, i regretted it deeply. it was so weird, like someone had flipped a switch. Maybe I'm just incredibly afraid of making a commitment to someone.... I think I like the idea of a relationship, but in reality I can't even stand dating anymore... when i was 16-18 i found it kind of okay, but now it's just extremely uncomfortable for me... and i'm also kind of afraid of it... I've already read up on lithromanticism and I think if I'm aromantic it's more in that direction.... but i'm really not sure if i don't just have big commitment fears, haha anyway, thank you for listening to all of this, and @Deltalorian for sharing your experiences with me. it's so good to know that people feel the same way! and sorry that the answer has become so long again

I don't know if it may help you, but I asked myself the same questions. Than, i found the book "Loveless" by Alice Olseman. The main character is aro/ace and discovers this during the book and i really connected with her. Maybe it helps you too, just to know how it can feel when your in that spectrum... I was more confused than ever afterwards, and still don't know exactly what really applies to me, but It opened my eyes to the whole spectrum and it really helped to know that others feel the same way. (The author also identifies herself as aromantic, as far as I know). https://aliceoseman.com/ya-fiction-book/loveless/ here is the link to the summary :)

Heyy, a little heads up, this post is getting a little long. I would still be happy if someone takes the time to read through my story :D (does not have to be everything) Where should I start? .... Every time something starts to happen in the direction of a relationship I panic. I don't know, it's weird. I'm dating someone and I like them and everything is great, but as soon as it gets more relationship-y, more serious, suddenly I just don't want to do it anymore. And somehow it gets worse and worse.... I don't have too much experience in dating and I've never been in a relationship anyway, but all the experiences I've had so far have been the same: I like to write with the person, but I don't like to meet them. At the same time, I liked the idea of being in a relationship with this person, of finally having those butterflies that everyone always talks about. (I actually had them once and it was anything but nice. They were the worst stress feelings I've ever had). Once I went to a 4-day festival with someone I met at the time. (But we had different campsites) We wrote a lot to each other beforehand and met twice. The first two days I thought it was nice to watch the acts together. It was great when he stood behind me and held me in his arms. On the third day, however, it started to get on my nerves. I felt constricted, tied to him and no longer free. He asked me every time I went out to eat with my friends when it would be to meet there. And that annoyed me. Why does he always have to be there? On the fourth day, I answered him extra late when I was going to the stages so that he couldn't get through the crowd. I know, it's pretty asshole, but at that moment he was just unbelievably exhausting for me... Another example is my dance partner for the prom. I always found him visually interesting and was even more pleased when he agreed to dance with me. we met at dance rehearsals and in private and I knew that after the ball we would be together. I also had these "butterflies" with him. Actually, I was really looking forward to finally having my first relationship, and with someone I'd always really liked. after the afterparty, both of us really drunk, we decided to try it out together. But when I woke up the next day, I was in a complete panic. What did I do? Why? no, no, no, i don't want that! I avoided him at school, had a crisis when I smelled the same aftershave on someone in my class that he used, hid in the basement and ate my snack there for fear that he would seek me out in class. If I met him in the corridor, I immediately turned away and fled into some room or corridor, as long as he didn't see me. It was absolutely terrible. After two weeks, I texted him and told him that I just wasn't ready for a relationship... Since then, I haven't really dated and I haven't had any interest in changing that. Or rather, I never really gave it a serious try. That was four years ago, and every time I wrote to someone and I realised he might want more, I immediately got this feeling that I just don't want that. This feeling that I get is just unbelievable stress, it feels like I'm standing on a cliff that I have to jump off. At the same time, sometimes I just want so badly to have someone by my side.... To hug someone, to be loved, to do things together. But I just can't. I was never really in love, the maximum was just these butterflies... I never had a crush either, at least not on real or close people. Once I liked a punk from my school, but that was more of a fangirling because he just had such a great style. I was completely satisfied with just admiring him from afar... And it has nothing to do with the fact that maybe I was just looking at the wrong sex, because now a girl has asked me if we want to try dating and I have the same feelings... So is this commitment anxiety or am I aromantic, and aren't both actually kind of the same thing? Although, I've read that people with commitment anxiety usually just fall in love with unapproachable people, but I've never really been in love either... Is anyone here feeling the same or similar?