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Everything posted by Costati

  1. I don't think this issue is specific to aromanticism there's a lot of way you can have people close to you in your life that aren't your partner. I think you could still have friends when you're old even younger one. I know a lot of young people could see you as their grandmother of substitution. There's a lot of young people being close friends with older one because they see them like their grandmas that can tell them stories about the past and make them cookies or even being really energetic for their age. I'm personnally really terrified of old people but a lot aren't they find them sweet and cute like children (I'm scared of children too so I don't get it either). My mom (who's 47) is really close to an elderly woman that take dance classes with her for example. I'm pretty sure if this woman asked her she would be really glad to be her emergency contact even if she doesn't know her that much. If you stay nice and respectful I'm sure you'll find people to help you when the time comes x).
  2. @DeltaV What you're saying is actually really interesting to me because it points out how in the US the CBT approach is the most popular one which is something that I completely forgot and put a lot of sense in my réaction. In France psychanalitic approach (if that's what it's called.. Freudian approach's anyway) is the more reputed one. This way of thinking and seeing psychology especially has been a huge part of my education (and life) with my dad being a psychiatrist (and me following a therapy for almost four years now). It really explains why I found it a bit Weird to tell someone that fears are exagerrated. Because we're really on the going further approach here. I completely forgot that it weren't like that in the US. Things make more sense to me now x). @NullVector Don't worry about it. It makes a lot of sense you gave that advice without thinking about that if you've been raised in the US with this all different point of view of psychology. I don't blame you for it. I think it could be seen as a cultural shock x). I wasn't that offended by it like I said. I just want to warn you how it could have sounded because I'm really close to a lot of person dealing with anxiety and I think there might be some on the forum and I know how it could have impacted them. But I think it's a good thing that I could point it to you. It's Nice sometimes to have a reminder of how different people and their experiences are from yours. I always like it personally when it hits me in the face like it did for how psychology is seen differently across the globe. It makes life more interesting. (I might be the only weird person who thinks like that tho)
  3. So you felt like demiromanticism was sort of twisting the knife into your already there depression ? (If I understand correctly?) I'm glad you feel better. It must have been an awful experience.
  4. Costati


    Helloooo I think you should probably check out the "coming out story" topic then it seems to be pretty appropriate to what you're going through. Like I said on there, try small like randomly talk about this or this person that prefers being single because they're more confortable and see how they'll react. They most likely won't put that much thoughts into it but I mean if they react by saying "Ewwww what a weirdo who's gonna die alone like a loser" well you'll know they're probably not the most supporting people in the world when it comes to that.
  5. Helloooo, I hope you'll find the answers to all your questions.
  6. @NullVector : I don't disagree of course my fears are exagerrated. That's fear...it's basically the point. I'm not gonna go into details but I was traumatised as a child and also bullied of course I am paranoid when it comes to other people and other people reactions. If you read my presentation (but I don't think you did and it made sense because you really don't have to x), I've talked a bit more about my need for exterior validation. So if you're interested to know how big and disproportionate my fears are about a lot of things you can get the point by reading that I think. Anyway, that's why I'm asking the question to be confronted to the truth about my fear (that I make for myself by taking into accounts each of the exeperience that were share on this thread). That's how I deal with my fear I rationalize it to desimplified it (if it makes sense x). Don't worry about me on that. I'm working on it. P.S: I don't think it's a really awesome idea to tell someone their fears are exagerrated tho...obviously I don't mind because I've already accepted all about that but a lot of people could feel like you invalidate their feelings by saying they don't have a reason to be afraid because in theory it's not that bad. Like yes, it is the truth, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to say to someone that could be anxious or having some trauma due to this fear. Fears are always more deeper than what they really is about like if someone is afraid of water maybe they almost drowned as a child and that's really the reason why they're afraid of water. Of course you didn't traumatize me and that was really a small thing so everything is okay but I mean...the subject of fears is a bit bigger than some paranoid thought implanted by society on how everything that is not in the norm is supposedly wrong.
  7. No she didn't but she said she realized she was when she was engaged and that it was a breakup story. I'm not sure if she was the one breaking off it just made sense to me and either way it must have been a hard experience anyway.
  8. I'm more interested about adopting alone personally but I think it would maybe be easier to adopt with a qpp. If people assume you're in a relationship (especially if it's straight) they'll probably be more favorable into your adoption. The most important for them is that you're financially stable I think. If you're both financially stable it'll probably won't be a problem. I think the biggest issue would be on the child tho. Because they would probably hear about other children with their parents being in love and together and all that jazz. I mean it's a common thing that divorced parents is pretty hard a child because of society. Now it's a bit better but you've gotta be prefer for them at school hearing about all these others parents being alloromantics together or allos divorced and it could pretty confusing for them. They could wait for their parents to fall in love or just not understanding why you live together (if you do) and in good terms but not together together in a romantic way. They would ask about why you're not kissing like other parents and you'd have to be prepared for that. You'll need to straighten things up pretty soon with them I think and be really clear and ready to fight the ignorance of the system. That's where the challenge will be I think (well it's a child so there'll also be a ton of other challenges but regarding you being in a qpp instead of a romantic one).
  9. Helloooo. I've got to say you're really brave for breaking off the engagment after discovering you're aro. You could've ignored your feelings to settle down and fall into society's pressure. It also must have been tough to break off with someone you probably liked enough to agree to marry. I hope he was understanding. Anyway, I really admire you for it ♥. Welcoooome heeere
  10. All your answers are honestly really and a lot of them are pretty reassuring actually. Thank you so much. I didn't want to answer sooner because I didn't really know what to say or which questions to ask but I think @Digestive Biscuits asked a really good one. It would be interesting to know . Your situation @SoulWolf with your friend sounds pretty idyllic x). I would to live with my best friend till we get older but I'm scared we'd have to be separated because of her dating life. She's the only close friend I have so I'm really attached to her.
  11. YMBAI when someone ask you for romantic advices your first instinct is to answer "But why don't you dump them and find someone new" (It's not really that complicated peoooooole)
  12. Hello to you What do you mean by you didn't exactly take it well?
  13. I do think it's probably cinematography and hollywood that started this trend about romance being the centered of everything. I watched a lot of old movies from differents countries, because I really love cinema and the history behind it. Romance is a must in everyone of them even if it's secondary to the plot there must be romance. I think it's probably related to sexism in a way. The world being a bit more evolved you probably had to have a female character in the movie because representation was important and you wanted for woman to be intetested in the movie. They needed a character to relate to. The thing is even if society was evolved enough to put woman as important character I think it's still wasn't enough for having a female character as a whole deep and complex character and not just as a sort of trophy for the male protagonist. Display of affection not really being accepted at the time the female character was more of a romantic trophy than a sex trophy. Anyway that's my interpretation about it I'm not sure in any way that it's that but it would make a lot of sense to me and it would also probably explain why stereotypically woman are supposed to be more interested by romance. If they could only relate to female characters being romantic trophy they could feel like it's what they need to be and to achieve because if they're not they're not valid in any way. In old movies you can see men without women being an interesting part of the plot as secondary characters but for women secondary characters if they're not widows they're always married (or too young to be like the younger sister). In forms of quotes of reaction about aromanticism I've got this one which is...something: "Be careful it (being aromantic) will likely attract weirdos" Hmmm okay wuuut?! Am I supposed to..stop? because it's dangerous?! I mean I don't think the guy was being offensive but I remember being confused by this comment.
  14. @'Naegleria fowleri' >> Thanks, at least knowing you only had one bad reaction outta fifty is a bit reassuring. I don't really live in a city and the closest to me doesn't really have a lot of young adults or students in them. I feel like in the vaste majority students or just young adults have more chance to know a bit more about this and to be a bit more open because the most awereness comes from internet and young adults are statistically more in it. Where I am from anyway. I've thought about joining a LGBT+ association a while back but like people said before me I have no idea if they're arospec friendly I mean they seem to be but it's still scary to me especially because I'm heterosexual. If they don't understand the difference betwen romantic and sexual attraction they'll for sure think I'm an allohet who has nothing to do there. I'll try the pin tho that's honestly a great idea and great place to start. People that don't know about it won't notice and people who do won't think I'm a psychopath (which is crazy btw because psychopaths do have feelings and the ability to love so that's a dumb comment even if it weren't offensive).
  15. Oh that's really really cool that you all did that. I am really afraid to do anything tho. I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified if I do something even if it's like putting a poster up people will just pass in front of it and scoff at it. Even if I don't see it for myself, that thought terrify me. I guess I'd rather have people not know about aromanticism than know and being openly arophobes and against it
  16. Bea Miller released new songs and two of them give me a lot of aro/better love myself than someone else vibeees and I'm super happy and excited about that ♥♥♥♥ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNPOVnN5LII https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaRUAICLYWQ
  17. I don't see my external family that much but to be honest how I deal with is is...get drunk. It's a really sad and not healthy way to deal with things but I'm really not sociable anyway so it temps on basically all levels. I mean every women on my father's side of family (I don't see the other one) are in long-lasting relationship (even my 15 yo cousin) most of them even recently have children. I definetely know it will come up. Last year everyone was so focused on babies (yeah awful) they thankfully didn't talk to me but in june I'll have to see them for the wedding of one of them and it will for sure come up during the week sooo alchohol is my solution. I'll probably just giggle and not answer. We'll see. Which is funny tho is that I had a favorite cousin for a long time and then she asked me when I was twelve "Ooh and do you have a boyfriend?" I think I cried and never talked to her again. I didn't even know I was aromantic at the time but it was so uncomfortable I just cried.
  18. I'm so glad to have found this thread I never knew there were some other people being touch-repulsed in this community. I didn't even think the two could be related but it makes a lot of sense now. A lot of alloromantic put touch as the biggest part of showing their romantics affection. It makes sense that us being not attracted to that idea in any way we could be touch repulsed because it's just not important and reassuring for us we just find it creepy and uncomfortable. It makes so much sense to me now.
  19. Hello, I was wondering if there was anyone over 30 yo on the forum because I really wanted to ask something. I'm eighteen right now and I know it's pretty early to start freaking out a bit about that but I have this really huge fear of mine of being an over 30 yo aromantic. In every movies, TV shows and even in real life we can easily observe that after passing the 30 years old step most people start wanting to settle down...be in a relationship and found a family. I feel like for most people it's their ultimate goal and purpose in life and it terrifies to think about all the societal pressure might come from that. I'm also a woman and I feel like it's probably worst because of the famous "tik tok tik tok the clock is tickiiing". I just wanted to ask you. Is it really that bad? Is it really as stressful as I think it might be? And if it is how do you manage it? Did you find some solution to protect yourself from that? It's a really huge fear of mine and I would love to know if I have any reasons to panic at all or if it's just in my mind. I'm eighteen so I'm sure by the time I'm thirty it'll probably be easier with the world more open...at least I hope but you never know and if it stays the same I wanna be prepared. Thank you anyway for reading this and especially if you can answer. It would be really appreciated
  20. Oh yeah I've never thought about it but Tom Riddle is aro for sure. It's indeed not a good image but it's still someone. I personally don't hate him tho but it's still better to praise Merida as an aromantic figure than Voldemort for sure. I would say Michael from the good place. He's the only one that really crosses my mind. It's not really that great to have him as a figure of aromanticism or asexuality but since he's not human he doesn't really seem to feel these feelings and actually find it a bit ridiculous. I hope it stays that way because I feel like it would be really weird to give him a romantic interest but anyway it's been two seasons we can't really know for sure but it seems like he could be aroace.
  21. My parents are like unhealthily obsessed with love and I'm not saying this because I'm being cynical. I actually really like the idea of love and romance it's just not for me but I get how it can be helpful and important for people if it's healthy. I like to write a lot about relationships and how they work because I find it truly interesting and fascinating even romantic relationships. It's just really amazing how different people can meet and developp completely differents and personalized forms of relationships depending on how they interact with each other. Anyway I know how love can be cool and sweet for alloromantic people but when I say my parents are unhealthily obsessed with love I don't mean it lightly. They actually thought by the power of their love they wouldn't have any problems ever and they childhood trauma would disappear. They always put their romantic relationship at the center of everything to the point where they come to find reconfort and advice from me about that and when I say something to one of them the other blame me to try to put myself in the middle of their relationship problems. Which is completely crazy because I honestly couldn't care less since I'm aromantic. It's just messed up, but it really doesn't make me cynical tho. It honestly could because my parents are the definition of how the idealisation of romantic relationship is seriously dangerous but it doesn't make me hate the concept. So I guess it didn't really influenced me that much. I mean it influenced me in my discovery of my romantic orientation and it makes me feel so bad about being like that because my parents seriously can't understand and sometimes I think my aromanticism is just me faking it because I'm actually afraid of love because of them. I rationally know it's clearly not the case but when I'm sad and don't feel valid it's something that makes me feel unvalid. But except from this and how it's related directly to me and my experience as a general form it didn't really change my view. I'm pretty objective on the matter I think. I understand that even if it's not necessary to me it can be for other people and how they feel is valid. I'm sad for them sometimes because the idealisation of love in the media can cause a lot of damaged on easily influenced people but I think most couples (married especially) are probably pretty healthy and well balanced and if they're happy like that and sad if they didn't have that well it's pretty neat they can live the way they want. I mean aromanticism is not a choice I know that really well since I tried to forced myself a lot of time to feel it, alloromanticism isn't either. It seems a bit pointless to me to be bitter about romance. I for example don't like chocolate, it would be ridiculous from me to boo or make fun of people who enjoys chocolate.
  22. I thought for a long-time I was too emotionally damaged by my childhood trauma to have the ability to love someone. I also thought for a while that I was a nymphomaniac or just a really sexually perverted person because I'm allosexual but aromantic so I thought I valued sex and sexual attraction so much more than romantic attraction because I was mentally ill and obsessing over sex. I also thought it was a defense system because I'm a really cold person (even with friends and family...I'm just really cold. I'm really nice and comprehensive tho so I never thought I was like sociopath I just keep my emotions for myself that kinda make me a bit scary sometimes and I like that idea) so I could reject everyone because I was afraid to get hurt. You know all these things that people basically drill into your heads either you're super romantic and love romance or you hate it and say that you won't catch feelings but in the end it's just because you're afraid of love and opening up to someone so I thought it was something like that.
  23. Oh this one is brilliant I wish I could have thought of that >>>>>> A shower with no curtain rail (yes I am obsessed with bathrooms I know)
  24. I've never properly come out...in the sense that I haven't had like a sit down situation and be "well listen everybody I'm aromantic yooh". I hadn't have to do it with my best friend since she actually was the one who suggested I could be aromantic so when I was "Oh my god yeah" that wasn't really a big shock for her and she didn't mind at all (my best friend is awesome I know ♥) but for my family it was another story. My parents are really really romantic to the point where it's seriously unhealthy. I mean you don't have to be a genius to understand they're both using romance and relationship as a way to not confront their huge abandonment issues. They put romance and their relationship before everything and I knew it would be complicated so I just put some subtle hint here and there then try to explain it a bit to them. It's complicated because I was giving them hints so they could ask questions but they clearly aren't interested in learning how I work and what it is. I mean my dad did his research when he realized how important it is for me but he's a psychiatrist so I think deep down he thinks it's some trauma due to how they put romance as a huge part of my education which is honestly really annoying because I already have to deal with my own doubts I don't want to add to that the person close to me not believing me. My mom on the other end she's clearly on denial. It gives her a headache when I talk about it and she has a lot of trouble understanding how I could be aromantic but not asexual. She also has a weird point of view on the issue I feel like for most people understanding asexuality would probably be easier than understanding romanticism because sexual orientation is more objective in a way. Everyone knows what sexual relationship and sexual attraction means when for romanticism people have a lot of different definition so I was going for the "It's like asexuality but for romanticism" because I thought it would be easier but the thing is she understand the concept of asexuality but not of for her everyone is alloromanticism that's like romantic orientation doesn't exist there's only sexual orientation and it's directly linked by romantic orientation. I've been suspecting she's bisexual or pansexual for a while so that would make sense that in her head you can't not love everyone if you have a connection with their personnality. So I don't know maybe that's why she's a bit in denial about me because she's actually in denial about herself. I don't know but...that was way too long and probably not really what you wanted but that's my experience basically it's kinda bad honestly but I think it mostly come from me I really want my parents to accept aromanticism completely even though it would have to make them rethink everything they thought about life and themselves. I also get way too hurt everytime my mom for example makes comments like "That's weird that you like this movie because it's a pretty romantic movie" or when I made her watch simply-kenna video's about aromanticism and asexuality and from all the video the only thing she got was the part when Kenna said that even if it's unlikely she's not against the idea of her maybe later discovering she's demiromantic and demisexual instead of aroace. That hurt me because I feel like she flipped this against me. I know I'll never be demi because I've had deep emotional connection with guys and I still didn't want a romantic relationship with them but even if Kenna said it was her view of thinking my mom heard what she wanted and it's hurtful. Because even if she tries to understand in her mind it's more logical for her to think "Oh but don't be so closed on this issue maybe you're demi" instead of being "Okay you're aro" and if I come out as demi be "Okay you're demi now that's pretty cool". It's like from the bottom of her heart she actually wish I'm something that I'm not and it's hurtful. So yeah anyway coming out can be bad especially when people who actually don't know that much about you or how you ever felt on this subject want to subtely convince you that you're not what you are because "Oh but look this time there was this guy" when clearly this guy made me unconfortable and there were before that guy and that guy and also that guy that I really liked but never wanted to be with. They just want to hear what they want and see what they want and sometimes it makes me feel foolish to have told about these crush that I thought were crush to them (I just wanted to connect with them I realize that now). I feel like I'm judged and everything I said or did is held against me. But on the other hand my best friend is absolutely adorable and so supportive and I am really grateful for her. I've also had other friends who I came out with them that were pretty supportive it was still scary to tell them but the thing is they were all LGBT+ (my best friend is too) and I think that's what's important to take notes of. Even if there's arophobia in the LGBTQ community, if you have friends that are in this community there's a slight chance they'll be more supportive and comprehensive. But I'll advise you to drop subtle hints at first just to see what's happening. For exemple you could talk to them about asexuality. I feel like there's more visibility for it so you could say "Oh have you heard about this celebrity who's asexual and make great content" (in you bio you put aroace so you'll really directly know how they feel about that). Maybe they won't take notes...don't push it too much or it could sound weird but it could be a good place to start I think. I think it's a good idea to come out anyway because even though my experience with my family was seriously pretty bad at least the truth is out and it doesn't have to be awkward when my cousins ask me "Oooh and do you have a boyfriend" and I say "Nope I'm not interested and no I'm not a lesbian either just not interested". It'll still be unconfortable but at least it won't be awkward. The truth is always better out I think (well not if you live in a situation where you could be killed for it in that case it's probably a really bad idea). Anyway good luck to you, I hope it'll be better for you than for me keep in mind that my parent's view on romance and relationship is pretty weird and unique. It's probably not the same case for yours.
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