Old Goat

It's a big problem - as some of you wrote in the start of this thread - that it is hard to define what a "romantic relationship" really is. If you look at Wikipedia, the definition is pretty vague: "Romance is the expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person. This feeling is associated with, but does not necessitate, sexual attraction. For most people it is eros rather than agape, philia, or familial love . In the context of romantic love relationships, romance usually implies an expression of one's strong romantic love, or one's deep and strong emotional desires to connect with another person intimately or romantically. Historically, the term "romance" originates with the medieval ideal of chivalry as set out in its chivalric romance literature." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_(love) (If someone else have quoted this, please bear with me - I haven't read the whole tread) In the article on Wikipedia, there are lots and lots of different approaches to the meaning of "Romance" depending on point of view and context. It is interesting that the idea of "romantic love" originates from the 'courtley love' in 13th - 14th century France. It was part of the culture and a "Code of Conduct" for the knights, and a token of their passionate devotion and loyalty to a noble wonan .. she was meant to be admired, respected and obeyed, .. but it was most ceartainly not supposed to end up in any sort of physical involvement ... One might say that "Romantic Love" today also is a "Code of Conduct" in our culture, regarding 'courtship' - and a whole lot of rituals and unspoken social rules as well, of which many seem to date back to the rituals of 'Courtley Love'. Besides, Romantic Love' today is also an ideal - or almost mandatory - for the emotional life and the relationships of a 'healthy' adult. What "romantic love" is, is not defined by a complete set of clear rules, but instead communicated through stories, songs, movies, ... There is a wide spread consensus about what it is (though many people in relationships get in passionate rows about it because the rules aren't so clear after all ) Being aromantic might mean that you somehow don't 'grasp' - or don't fit into - that concensus .. you simply don't really understand something which is self evident to everybody in our culture's mainstream. I partly agree with the 'rules' of "Roantic Relationships" that SamwiseLovesLife wrote: .. in particular about the 'being faithful' , 'giving gifts', 'cerimonial to stay together', and that you expect your partner to 'love you more than anyone else' ... ('Kissing on the mouth' and 'kissing with tongue' are in my mind much more sexual and erotic, than it is romantic - but it is included in the romantic norms, an romantic 'fundamentalists' would like it only to take place in a romatic context ... I think as I am allosexual - and have pretty intense erotic feelings - I could explain some of the romantic emotions and romantic behaviour - they are erotic or sexual, but not necessarily romantic ... For those of you who a are asexual as well as aromantic, it may be hard to know the difference ...

Pretty much the story of my life .. thanks a lot .. I have always had problems with social skills - something along the Autism / Asperger spectre .. (which may also be some of the reason for my aromanticism) This made my life very hard in my teenage years .. I was tolerated during my high school years, but I did not understand and could not take part in the social 'games' they practiced ... F. ex. I could not figure out what partying was all about, and really never took part in it ... As a result, I felt very much excluded, as I wanted so much to be part of the circle, to have fun, to be accepted ... And as I have told, I had (have) a pretty intense sexuality, so feeling left on my own was just terrible. I did not have one bit of a chance to live out my sexuality. I have once read a description by an autistic woman, she wrote: "It was as if all my friends from my childhood days suddenly went away on a train to which I couldn't get a ticket" At last, I had a total collapse at the age of 18 with anxiety, depression and derealisation, as if my mind shut down and cut off from the outside world .. So yes, I can relate to the feeling of sadness when watching all kinds of movies where people have relationships and have good times together ... I have learned to cope, to a certain degree, some of the time ... But there is an underlying depression all of the time, and I never really got over that ...

I partly agree - and this is where I get confused. Yes, the romantic dream is spontaneous, out of control, euphoria and andrenali This is the part I never experienced .. and the part, I think, to most people is the way to start a relationship (the romantic dream) However, it is to me ceartainly NOT the same as attraction. I find that I can often experience attraction - both physical and emotional - to a woman, but without the 'out-of-control' euphoria etc. you describe ... So I can feel attraction. But I do not "fall in love" ... In my view, it could be a good way to start a relationship based on physical and emotional attraction, but WITHOUT the "falling in love" romantic emotions. I sometimes try to talk to people about it .. NOT a good idea ... It is like discussing ateism with people in the Bible Belt About love, I totally agree with your definition .. I think one of the big problems is that it is very hard to 'transform' from romantic passion, from "falling in love" to the feelings of 'real love' ... In many ways, "falling in love"-feelings, and "deeper love" feelings are total opposites ...

Interesting that you mention this. To me, there is a close link between the ideal of romantic partnership, and capitalism ... Romance is very expensive, it takes all your life and energy to be up to the the ideal of a romantic partnership in a nuclear family. The romantic dream sells lots and lots and lots of consumer goods, it is a 'driving force' for the market nowadays. Besides, as the romantic relationship (as I read somewhere) devaluates all other relationships, it is not easy for those of us who disagree with the consumption culture ... If we get into a romantic relationship, we're trapped, so to speak ... (PS - I hope my reply makes a little sense, I am not english, and I an a bit out of practice in writing in english ... )