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ladyasym

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Everything posted by ladyasym

  1. Yeah, that is exactly how I pictured myself while growing up. Whenever I pictured myself living as an adult, I always saw myself alone, in a cozy small house or an apartment. This never really occurred to me until one day while living with an ex-partner, he asked me what my ideal kitchen would look like, and I suddenly realized that I would never feel entirely content with someone else's stuff or aesthetic tastes in 'my' space (outside of a roommate situation). He liked picturing us merging our stuff, and I was hugely uncomfortable with it. Also, I always wondered why people thought it was 'sad' to be at a restaurant solo (especially in movies or TV shows). I thought it seemed like a nice experience, and didn't understand why 'just a table for one please' had a sad or shameful connotation.
  2. YMBAI you wish shows like 'Jane the Virgin' had less lovey romantic stuff, and more focus on platonic relationships and murder-y intrigue.
  3. That was a really interesting test. Definitely take it with a grain of salt - basing gender analysis on stereotypes and problematic 'gender identity disorders' is a little sketch and won't really be accurate for many people. For me, it actually was helpful in clarifying some things. My overall score was 455. I can't attach an image, but essentially, I'm overall androgynous. I present and socialize feminine, but my thought processes are androgynous. This actually neatly spells out why I'm comfortable being a woman, but why my gender identity has never really been a defining aspect of my overall identity. I'm a little confused as to why I'm a cross-dresser, but I could see myself potentially adopting masculine traits/appearance to explore in certain situations - I'm just not all that interested, lol.
  4. Ha, this must be a fairly recent (within the last 5-8 years) thing. Back in the day when I was deep into the HP fanfiction world, there was none of this A/B/O stuff. Good to know what the youth are up to these days, lol. On topic, I'm pretty romance repulsed for movies, but for some reason, have a higher tolerance with books. So, romance stories in the classics (Jane Austen, Brontes, Tolstoy, etc.) I'm into. I'm ambivalent toward YA romance, and I like reading about romance in memoirs (Thru Hiking Will Break Your Heart is a good one). Also, I am neither religious nor romantic, but I find Amish romance novels really satisfying for some reason. More escapist type reading. I don't know why. Maybe the idyllic country setting and sense of community? Oh, also the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice is 10/10. It's straight up BDSM erotica but I love the portrayal of intimate relationships and connections that aren't a 'typical' romance.
  5. So many things I don't understand about romantic people! Why there has to be this complicated dance around hooking up but still being friends. Some people will hook up, but refuse to talk to you outside of a sexual context - like, I don't want a relationship?? Why can't we just hang out as friends and watch a movie and hook up later? And if we do just hang out, why do alloro people make it full of weird vibes? Ghosting. I hate this so much. If I am investing my time and emotional energy into someone, I don't want to be left hanging. Like if we've already established that there is no 'relationship goal' and it's all for fun and friendship, why ghost? It just doesn't make any sense. If the sex isn't good, why stay together? I have a friend who constantly moans that her partner is too vanilla, and the sex is dull, and they don't want to try anything she's into. So why...? I know I'm a sexually-energetic aro, but seriously - why would you want to suffer boring sex for (presumably) the rest of your life? Why they always think things can be 'worked out'. It seems like they're always working something out. Sorry, but if your partner is dull and hates your family and isn't interested in anything that you like to do, why are you investing so much time into making it 'work'?? Engagements and weddings - why go into debt for something so fleeting? Like buy a house instead - it'll still be there in five years when you divorce and kick them out. Why romance is given such prominence in almost every single book and movie. There are more interesting things in life. Like crocodilians. Shipping. And being emotionally invested in a 'ship' and defending it within an inch of its life and putting so much energy into justifying the very existence of a 'ship'. What even is dating. What constitutes a 'date'. What elements make it a date. What makes it different from doing an activity with someone that you enjoy being around (or want to be around more). Ugh, amatonormativity. Romance is more trouble than its worth - why do so many people think it's the be-all and end-all of human existence?
  6. That's unfortunate! I haven't had too much trouble finding play partners, but I'm looking forward to going to an event next weekend and hopefully meeting some more people in a casual context. There's always a few couples looking for a third, but so far, the scene here seems pretty inclusive. I really enjoyed your article - very interesting, and I definitely appreciate your perspective. Thanks for sharing!
  7. So, does anyone else watch the show 'She's Gotta Have It' on Netflix? Honestly, I'm really vibing with Nola Darling right now - I think she's aro-spec, because she's a relationship anarchist but gets uncomfortable when her sexual partners make things romantic or want to take things 'to the next level'. Could be wishful thinking about me really wanting more aro-representation in the media, but I think her aversion is more than just 'commitment phobia'. Also, if you haven't watched the show - it's wicked, and 110% worth watching.
  8. Let's keep it PG! Is anyone else involved in BDSM type relationships while Aro? How is it working out for you? I'm pretty active in the scene and curious about how other Aro-spec people are experiencing this type of relationship. For me personally, it goes way beyond the sex, and I truly enjoy the non-romantic type of deep connection that comes with BDSM. To me, it is a really great compromise between an intimate romantic connection, and a purely sexual one - kind of an ideal middle ground, and one that's working out really well for me so far. Thoughts? Also, I'm open to questions here or over PM, in case anyone doesn't want to ask or discuss openly. (And if this is crossing a line, please let me know!)
  9. I've definitely felt those feels before! I'm a bit romance-adverse, so I don't tend to get them while watching most movies, just occasionally if there's a really touching closeness between a couple characters in one of the shows I watch (like Diane Lockhart and Curt McVeigh in the Goodwife). Then I get those achy feels because I want that kind of closeness and intimacy with people, but it seems almost impossible to find without romo-strings attached. It doesn't really cause me a great deal of sadness, just a temporary dissatisfaction and pang of loneliness. I think you just need to find some kind of coping mechanism when these kinds of feelings come up though, especially since romantic-type connections are in our face, all the time. Maybe instead of dwelling on the kind of connection you don't have, make a list of things you have instead - like independence, freedom, the ability to live your own life without compromising for another person. If you're old enough for online dating, maybe post a profile about what you're looking for - who knows, there could be someone else in the same boat as you!
  10. I'm currently 24, but looking forward to being 25! Gonna go off on a bit of a tangent, but I've always felt that 25 is kind of the best age. It's a great number, a quarter of a century. I feel like people take you more seriously after you turn 25. But that might have to do with FINALLY being able to rent a car without paying an underage premium.
  11. For me personally, physical touch (even romantically coded stuff like kissing, hand holding, etc) is never romantic, and strictly sensual/sexual - a physical display of platonic affection, sensual pleasure, or sexual attraction. I just don't feel like its a romantic activity for me - although I can understand why it can be interpreted as such. I only get weirded out if someone makes it romantic - like saying 'there's no one else I'd rather be here doing this (ie kissing) with'. Then I get uncomfortable. Also, I would get bored kissing my ex if it seemed more romantic than sensual/sexual. Otherwise though, it's just all in good fun for me - and often, kissing someone is how I tell if there's sexual attraction or not. It's really hard to explain - but it makes sense why past sexual partners felt uncomfortable with prolonged kissing. They interpreted it as romantic, and for me, it was just nice.
  12. YMBAI you look for aro-characters in every single TV show or movie you watch. (Where is the representation?!?)
  13. OH I SEE Hahahaha. It's still not good to wash things directly in water sources, but yes, there's plenty of water to do such things. Personally, I'm a fan of the dirting-bowl method, where you rub dirt and pine needles in your dish to get all the stickiness/food remnants out, burn the dirt, and rinse the bowl. It works really well and I did that all summer, but I am canoe-trippertrash... On that note... I would rather drink fish-egg water treated with bleach than get married.
  14. It's all good, I know about the Appalachian Trail. And no way dude! Leave no trace - unless you straight up just go swimming, washing in water sources just contaminates the water for others. There's showers in towns though. I'm hoping to hike the PCT in a couple years actually.
  15. YMBAI you feel nothing but relief (and guilt at being relieved) when you end a romantic-type relationship. And don't feel anything but happiness for them when an ex tells you about someone they're currently dating. (Also, having to reassure said ex more than once that you're fine hearing about it, and no, it's not weird.)
  16. This is actually the best quality quiz that I've seen on the subject. When I was hiking with a good friend of mine, we talked about love languages a lot - it's interesting, and I find that it certainly helps to understand the different ways people give and receive love. My Scores: Physical Touch - 11 Quality Time - 9 Acts of Service - 5 Words of Affirmation - 5 Receiving Gifts - 0
  17. I would rather hike a long trail and live in the dirt for 6+ months than get married.
  18. That would make sense - her romantic relationship with her husband was very public and well-known, especially after he died. Marrying for status/wealth was more culturally-accepted at the time too though. Perhaps it had more to do with cinema idealizing on-screen romances, and from there, love, romance, and finding 'the one' became more of a socio-cultural norm?
  19. I have had three 'romantic-type' relationships (and one longish-term FWB type relationship that was schrodinger-romantic). I never dated throughout high school because I never felt particularly romantically inclined towards anyone (or had my lust-crushes/interest reciprocated). My first ex I met online, and developed a good friendship with - we chatted for months before we ever met up in person. I thought he was an interesting person, and looking back on it, most of my interest in dating him was sexual (as I was a virgin with zero experience but a high sex drive). Most of his interest in me was fetish-y (gross details in the spoiler for those interested) and I was relieved when it ended after I found a summer job (far away). Parts of it were fun, and a good learning experience, but not gonna lie - that relationship kinda messed me up. My second ex. HA. It lasted for a month and a half, and honestly - after our first date, I didn't feel the slightest bit interested and was put-off by him in general. BUT. I dated him anyway, even though it was weird and I was not into it. Because I had a bunch of self-esteem/worth issues from my first relationship, and the attention made me feel somewhat okay + he had a car and would drive me places. Not proud of this. It was one of the lowest points of my life. It ended after he called the cops on me to try and force me into a mental institution when I didn't answer my phone for a few hours (I had a migraine...), called my mother to 'get a better understanding' of my mental health history, and when I freaked out about this, told me to 'call him when I got off my crazy tree'. Stupidly overdramatic, and I was very happy when it ended, but still had a lot of anger/resentment. My third ex (and most recent of my romantic-type relationships) was pretty successful, and we were together almost three years. It ended a few months ago (very long story, and there were a lot of painful, unrrelated-to-aro reasons). I think the only reason we lasted so long, was because we became very close friends before we got sexually/romantically involved, and the relationship was primarily platonic throughout. We remain good friends, and are on good terms. I actually came out as aro to him tonight, which went over really well - it put a lot of things in context for both of us. Even though I experienced platonic love with him, looking back, I don't think my feelings were ever romantic, and I just confused my strong platonic feelings for romantic love because there was sex involved (and I got close with his family and friends), and after the dumpster fires of my previous relationships, our closeness seemed 'romantic'. But I was uncomfortable throughout with being referred to as his partner, and receiving romantic gestures, and always felt like I was never 'enough' or couldn't 'give' him what he needed. It was great except for the romantic parts, ahaha. I guess this is the end of my 'experimental romantic' phase? Or at least, the last of my attempts to have a romantic-type relationship, lol. I don't regret any of it, but I'm happy to be moving forward with my aro-identity.
  20. Not really an aromantic moment, but something funny (and pretty gross) that strongly outlines the difference between alloro's and aro's: Was on the phone with my ex (still a friend), and he told me about how about three weeks after I moved out, he got sentimental over some hair he pulled out from the drain "because a part of you was still here". SENTIMENTALITY. OVER HAIR. I died laughing because that's just insane to me (but other alloro friends have admitted to having similar thoughts over equally crazy things). I guess it's an aromantic moment, because who gets sentimental and not grossed out over drain hair???
  21. From a historical sociology perspective, conformity (to some extent) makes sense within the context of a close-knit social group. If you alienated yourself/the other group members by behaving inappropriately (defined as something not acceptable to the rest of the group), then you would certainly be putting yourself more at risk (and as humans are predominantly social creatures), and it was probably a tool used to bring harmony, or enforce social norms/order - conform or die, basically. It might not as useful today, but that hardwiring to conform is still there. The only problem is, that love/romance has become ingrained as a socio-cultural construct/norm - everyone 'needs' to do/experience it (even though it's not especially necessary). I think the biggest problem is that our society/culture has less room/demand for people who fall outside of the socio-cultural norm. Historically, close-knit social groups had a variety of roles that people could be in, not just pair-bonding/procreation, and all members were seen as of equal importance to the safety/culture of the group. Now there is a distinct pressure to do/have/want it all, and it's shoehorning people into roles to conform to societal expectations. It's interesting, but doesn't particularly make a lot of sense - I wonder what the 'inciting incident' for this socio-cultural shift was?
  22. The Heat is really funny, action packed, and about strong female friendships. The Good Dinosaur (actually the best) - animated children's movie but full of adventure and friendship and lovely moments The Goodwife - awesome courtroom drama, some romance, but mostly as a subplot The Twelve Chairs - obscure Mel Brooks movie set in Soviet Russia and about an uneasy friendship between two men looking for treasure. Ridiculously funny.
  23. I'm really surprised no one has mentioned Ouran High School Host Club yet! Really funny, fluffy anime. Even though the premise of the show is all about romance, there's actually a couple of characters that I am 100% headcanoning as Aro (perhaps not coincidentally, they're my favourite characters). Haruhi Fujioka (though apparently in the manga she eventually ends up with one of the main characters but I like to think that it's a QPP based primarily on friendship), because she is just genuinely not romantic, and really into the friendships she has with the other characters. Maybe she's even Aro-ace? Kyoya Otori - extremely practical, calculating, not romantic (or even romantically inclined, outside of a very technical way), and very possibly Aro-ace. Devoted to friends yet very self-serving, idk - I think he's the coolest, lol. Also Death Note - Light Yagami and L, I think are Aro-ace or at least Aro, because neither of them are interested in romance (and Light uses people who are romantically interested in him to further his own ends). I mean, IMHO they're both pretty sociopathic so maybe not the best representation for aromantics? Jughead Jones - from the original comics (don't even get me started on how they desecrated his character on Riverdale...) Aro-ace for sure. Minerva McGonagall - I can totally see her as Aro, but apparently she has a canon tragic romantic backstory (?), so maybe Aro-spec? And a few that have already been mentioned... Merida - Brave Rey - Force Awakens Voldemort - but again, very much full of hate and sociopathic tendencies...
  24. I don't really like kids, or enjoy being around young children. I just feel super awkward and have nothing to say to them. Outside of my family/close friends of my younger brothers, this has always been a theme where I never (willingly) socialized with kids more than a year younger than me - even as a 9-year old. I always got along better with older children, teens, or adults. I enjoy working with youth (12+ years) though, especially at-risk youth facing challenges. I volunteered this summer with them, and it was an incredible experience - a lot of really meaningful connections, and I learned so much from them. I think that if I were ever in a financially-secure/stable position, I would probably look into fostering/adopting an at-risk youth or teen, because they tend to be overlooked or just destroyed by the system. I do intend on having one child, as a surrogate for my best friend (basically a platonic life partner) whenever she decides she wants to have children. She has a lot of health problems, and is unable to conceive or safely have a child herself. I decided to be a surrogate for her back in high school, and have never wavered in this decision (though the whole pregnancy process is rather...icky). But in my mind, it has always been her child - even though it will undoubtedly be a part of my life as well (I think I'll be an okay aunt, even to young kids, haha). So I'm choosing to remain (mostly) childfree because I have other things that I would much prefer to do, and believe that I'll find more meaning in life outside of parenthood. Also, it's the most environmentally-friendly (if controversial) and sustainable lifestyle choice - and I like the planet.
  25. I heard the same! As much as I like the overall aesthetic of arrows, in the world of tattoos/symbols, there is a huge variety of meaning/symbolism already attached to arrows. For me personally, I kind of wanted to get something to represent my aro identity without people making assumptions about it (ie. "oh look, another basic arrow tattoo - it means something like following your heart amirite??"). So I got a small circle tattooed on my left middle finger - it's simple, cute, and so far has been a good way to start a conversation about arom and the spectrum. Overall though (and speaking in terms of tattoos), I think as long as a symbol represents aro-spec to you, its an aro symbol. More generally speaking though, I like the green heart idea...
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