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Everything posted by ladyasym

  1. Yeah, that is exactly how I pictured myself while growing up. Whenever I pictured myself living as an adult, I always saw myself alone, in a cozy small house or an apartment. This never really occurred to me until one day while living with an ex-partner, he asked me what my ideal kitchen would look like, and I suddenly realized that I would never feel entirely content with someone else's stuff or aesthetic tastes in 'my' space (outside of a roommate situation). He liked picturing us merging our stuff, and I was hugely uncomfortable with it. Also, I always wondered why people thought it was 'sad' to be at a restaurant solo (especially in movies or TV shows). I thought it seemed like a nice experience, and didn't understand why 'just a table for one please' had a sad or shameful connotation.
  2. See, none of that seems inherently romantic to me. I feel like it was a very strong and loving friendship - it was way more common in those days for people to treasure platonic love. I feel like there's way too much of a tendency for modern day people to project romance onto historical figures - probably because amatonormativity devalues friendships, and most people can't comprehend feeling or being that articulate about love for 'just a friend'. Personally, I feel like that post should be renamed 'write to your close friends like Cicero writes to Attics'. I think romantic love and attraction has always been around, but it just had less emphasis in culture, society, and relationships because it was outweighed by practicality, survival, and different cultural norms. You married (or were married off) for power, security, and reproduction. Amatonormativity hadn't been integrated into society or culture as a 'norm'. Personally, I think we have the Victorians to thank for introducing and beginning to normalize that nonsense.
  3. It's an enigmatic circle on my left middle finger. I read that an 'unofficial' aro symbol is to wear a black ring on that finger, and I prefer tattoos to jewelry, lol.
  4. To be honest, I'm the same way. If asked about my tattoo, or if I'm 'seeing anyone', I take it as an opportunity to come out as aromantic, because awareness and dismantling amatonormativity is important to me. But otherwise it just...is. I don't bring it up if it's not relevant. Similar kind of thing with my sex life -only a few people know anything about it. I have a weird thing where I'm casually open (like telling my housemate I'm going to an orgy), but otherwise don't disclose anything about my sexual partners. I frequently tell stories about past sexual encounters, but only my best friend (and housemate by necessity, lol) know who I'm currently intimate with. And I really don't feel a need to be an out and proud pansexual, unless it's relevant (like if I'm on Tinder and wanting to connect with other queer people - or let them know that I'm into a connection). Otherwise, I feel like it's not anyone else's business, and what I'm into is so outside of the norm (kink, poly, group stuff) that I wouldn't feel comfortable casually talking about it anyway with people that aren't a part of the communities themselves. I've run into this a bit in queer culture and spaces, where it's almost unacceptable to not be super open about your sexuality. I feel like this has a lot to do with the violence and erasure experienced by queer people, and it's completely legitimate to want to be out and proud, and to take up that space. But I feel like there also needs to be space for the quietly queer, who don't really care about other people's intimate lives, and don't really want other people to know about theirs. It's just being private about highly personal stuff - and that is allowed, and nothing to be ashamed about or question whether you're repressed or not. Even if you do experience shame or repression, it's still no one else's business unless you choose to share that with them.
  5. 1. I think it's definitely necessary to start talking about romantic orientation in the LGBTQ+ community (ideally everywhere, but let's be realistic). There are so many people who are varioriented - it's erasure to not talk about or validate/normalize these types of experiences. 2. Yeah, 100%. There's not enough awareness, and amatonormativity (and I don't know what the word is for sexual normativity) is a real problem. 3. Not at all. I am a hypersexual person, so would feel uncomfortable in that kind of community - mostly out of concern that I would make other people uncomfortable. 4. In my experience, no one knows that aromanticism is actually a thing until I show up and talk about it. I feel included/acknowledged afterwards though. But really, I feel like the issue is a lack of awareness in Queer spaces, and not intentional exclusion.
  6. Yeah, I definitely know exactly what you're talking about. For the longest time, I thought it was what people meant when they said 'crush'. I still don't understand what a romantic crush is, or how it differs from thinking someone is a cool person, and wanting to get physical with them. Like, if the main focus of a romantic crush is just doing things with the other person, how does that make it romantic?? Anyway, too bad that nothing happened with that French guy!
  7. I'm very involved in the kink community where I live, and I've found that the best approach is just to tell people straight up about what you want, or what you're looking for. Playing coy or feeling uncomfortable about outlining your needs and boundaries is just going to lead to miscommunication. So if you decide to approach them about becoming play partners, make sure you know exactly what your boundaries are, and what you're looking to explore. Before engaging in anything, also outline limits, and have a safeword/safe non-verbal action in place for informed consent and safe play. As an aro-spec person, just be sure to tell them what your limits and boundaries are for connection, and what aromanticism looks like for you. BDSM is not inherently romantic, but with the right play partner, it can be an extremely intense physical and emotional experience. Be prepared for that. It may not be romantic, but depending on your role, and the amount of power dynamics/mind-play, you may develop a very strong emotional attachment and connection to your BDSM partner. There's a lot of trust, connection, and intimacy in these kinds of relationships. Don't underestimate it, and make sure you're on the same page with your BDSM partner in terms of expectations/what you mean to each other. Have conversations and check in with each other about where you're at emotionally on a regular basis. Unfortunately, I got severely emotionally burned by my former FWB/BDSM partner because even though I thought we were on the same page (in that it was a rewarding, intense and fulfilling physical and emotional connection), to him, I was just convenient, fun, and ultimately, expendable, when he started seeing another woman and 'just really liked her'. Be aware that this is always a possibility when having any kind of relationship with alloromantic people. They will screw you over in the name of 'love' and amatonormativity. Always choose what is in your best interests (such as self-care and ending things when you start doubting your own importance in a person's life), even if it goes directly against what you want (or are hoping will happen). And as a practical consideration, if you feel like you won't be able to impart the seriousness of the conversation in person, ask the person over text or through email if starting a BDSM relationship with you interests them. This gives you a good opportunity to outline your boundaries, limits, and what you're looking for as well. Good luck!
  8. YMBAI you wish shows like 'Jane the Virgin' had less lovey romantic stuff, and more focus on platonic relationships and murder-y intrigue.
  9. That was a really interesting test. Definitely take it with a grain of salt - basing gender analysis on stereotypes and problematic 'gender identity disorders' is a little sketch and won't really be accurate for many people. For me, it actually was helpful in clarifying some things. My overall score was 455. I can't attach an image, but essentially, I'm overall androgynous. I present and socialize feminine, but my thought processes are androgynous. This actually neatly spells out why I'm comfortable being a woman, but why my gender identity has never really been a defining aspect of my overall identity. I'm a little confused as to why I'm a cross-dresser, but I could see myself potentially adopting masculine traits/appearance to explore in certain situations - I'm just not all that interested, lol.
  10. For me, kissing is not inherently romantic - so I don't usually notice or care when I'm around PDA. Unless of course, the couple is acting particularly romantic or over-the-top flirty - then it's gross, haha. Like if my roommate and his girlfriend are cuddling on the couch, and acting all lovey-dovey I generally need to leave the room, lol. I get really bad romance repulsion while watching movies or shows - I actively walk away or browse my phone, and just get fidgety. If I'm watching with someone else, I make cranky comments. Some shows that I love (like Jane the Virgin) I need to pause every 5-10 minutes and go do something because it's so romance heavy and I get distracted/can't pay attention to the storyline, lol. Romance repulsion usually manifests for me as a general fidgetiness, feeling very uncomfortable, wanting to look away or do something else, occasionally nausea. I've only had really bad chills/nausea with romance repulsion when there's a grand romantic gesture directed at me, that I have to react nicely to and can't run away from.
  11. Ha, this must be a fairly recent (within the last 5-8 years) thing. Back in the day when I was deep into the HP fanfiction world, there was none of this A/B/O stuff. Good to know what the youth are up to these days, lol. On topic, I'm pretty romance repulsed for movies, but for some reason, have a higher tolerance with books. So, romance stories in the classics (Jane Austen, Brontes, Tolstoy, etc.) I'm into. I'm ambivalent toward YA romance, and I like reading about romance in memoirs (Thru Hiking Will Break Your Heart is a good one). Also, I am neither religious nor romantic, but I find Amish romance novels really satisfying for some reason. More escapist type reading. I don't know why. Maybe the idyllic country setting and sense of community? Oh, also the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice is 10/10. It's straight up BDSM erotica but I love the portrayal of intimate relationships and connections that aren't a 'typical' romance.
  12. In my experience, there's a significant difference when the relationship is more of a romantic-type. Personally, I define intertwining lives by such things as: * Having a common or shared bank account * Co-signing long term loans, mortgages, or car payments * Spending significant amounts of time with the other person's family, especially around holidays or when you would prefer to spend more time with yours * Referring to 'we', 'us', or 'our' when discussing beliefs, future plans, etc. * Symbolically intertwining lives in a marriage ceremony * 98% of your personal time (outside of work or friend gatherings, and family commitments) is spent with them * Being mentioned in one of their family members obituaries * Any and all long-term personal, career, or life goals are worked around with them as the primary concern. Now, I totally get that any or all of these things might be present in a QPP without it being romantic. That is, by definition, the essence of a QPP or QPR. This is more of a general list of how (again, in my experience) romantic-type people intertwine their lives, and how I view the more practical components of a romantic relationship. Generally speaking, when you hang out with someone for a reasonable amount of time, or want to get to know them better, you don't ask them for joint access to back accounts and credit cards, or want to spend a significant amount of time with their family around the holidays to the detriment of your own...unless you're a con artist, lol. 😁
  13. As an aromantic pansexual, I feel those feels a lot! Normally, if I'm feeling very strongly about someone but can't figure out exactly how, I try to articulate my feelings by asking myself a series of questions: Do I think they're pretty? (Aesthetic) Do I want to be physically close? (Sensual) Do I find them interesting/want to hang out with them and get to know better? (Platonic) Do I want to bang them? (Sexual) Do I want to intertwine my life with theirs/be romantic? (Ha, no, never) I have a difficult time figuring out if a particularly strong platonic-aesthetic-sensual-sexual combo of feelings is romantic or not. It kind of feels like it, because I genuinely care deeply about the person and love being around them, and it doesn't help that I don't really know what romantic attraction is (shouldn't it be similar??). It helps that I was in a relationship with a very romantic person, so usually I just picture the person doing the kind of things my ex would do (like flowers, introducing me as a partner, expressing their romantic feelings, etc.) and note how it makes me feel - usually, uncomfortable lol. So you could try those strategies to help clarify your feelings toward someone, and figure out if it's romantic or not. If you don't have personal experience with someone being romantic towards you, picture the person doing a romantic gesture from a movie, and note what your initial reaction is.
  14. I'm actually sending my best friend a card for Valentine's Day this year expressing my love and appreciation for her. I definitely think that Valentine's Day has the potential to be more about celebrating other kinds of love - when I was growing up, my parents made me and my brothers cards saying how much they loved us. So for me, I ignore the icky romantic marketing and take it as a day to express my appreciation and love for many of the people in my life. Screw society, let's make our own rules and normalize love outside of a romantic context!
  15. Great minds think alike! I've been designing a poster to go up in my community, and have created an email for people to reach out and get more information. I already do most of those things in my day-to-day life, but definitely going to amp it up during aro-awareness week. The chalk messages are a great idea - for those who live in less snowy places! If there's enough support in the LGBTQA+ community wherever people live, you could organize a social night to celebrate Aro-Awareness week? Just as a fun gathering for everyone, but with an aro-theme.
  16. I feel this on a very deep level. Touch is also my primary love language, and I don't get nearly enough of it - especially since I moved thousands of km's away from everyone I was close with. So I'm pretty much always touch-starved and feel very restless/lost much of the time. It's gotten a bit better since I've found a very lovely and cuddly FWB, but even a lot of touch 1-2x a week isn't really enough. I would suggest getting a body pillow, I find those are really soothing. If you're a sexual person, maybe look for a FWB type relationship, or even a cuddle-buddy. If it works for you, one-night stands are also a quick-fix way to go (but just be safe about it) - and though they worked for me in the past, I find they're not worth the energy for me anymore. If it's within your budget, you could also look into having a massage 1-2x a month. Hang in there though - I wish touch was way less romantically-coded and more of a common thing.
  17. I don't think they'll think that you were 'lying' to them. Do they know that you're ace? Maybe approach the topic like: 'I've been doing a lot of thinking and self-exploration lately, and I think that I'm aromantic.' Emphasize that it doesn't change the way you feel about them as a friend or as a person (and if you like the way things have been going in this relationship), say that you're happy with how things are. If they ask what your needs are as an aromantic person in the relationship, make sure you state your needs clearly (and reiterate as needed). Not gonna lie, I suspect that coming out to them will cause a shift in your dynamic and relationship, as their needs should also be considered. As a very romantic person, do they 'need' someone to reciprocate that romantic attraction? Or are they happy with being in an emotionally close platonic relationship? How will this work in the long-term (if either of you are thinking that way), is polyamoury a possibility to ensure that everyone's needs are met? Just some things to consider. I was in a relationship for 2+ years with a very romantic person, and when I came out to him as aromantic months after we broke up, our whole relationship made more sense to him, and he was able to move on (without the regrets or feeling like he was the only reason I ended it). Hopefully by coming out to them, the relationship or 'quirks' might make more sense to them, especially if you have had any romo/aro-type conflicts in the past.
  18. So many things I don't understand about romantic people! Why there has to be this complicated dance around hooking up but still being friends. Some people will hook up, but refuse to talk to you outside of a sexual context - like, I don't want a relationship?? Why can't we just hang out as friends and watch a movie and hook up later? And if we do just hang out, why do alloro people make it full of weird vibes? Ghosting. I hate this so much. If I am investing my time and emotional energy into someone, I don't want to be left hanging. Like if we've already established that there is no 'relationship goal' and it's all for fun and friendship, why ghost? It just doesn't make any sense. If the sex isn't good, why stay together? I have a friend who constantly moans that her partner is too vanilla, and the sex is dull, and they don't want to try anything she's into. So why...? I know I'm a sexually-energetic aro, but seriously - why would you want to suffer boring sex for (presumably) the rest of your life? Why they always think things can be 'worked out'. It seems like they're always working something out. Sorry, but if your partner is dull and hates your family and isn't interested in anything that you like to do, why are you investing so much time into making it 'work'?? Engagements and weddings - why go into debt for something so fleeting? Like buy a house instead - it'll still be there in five years when you divorce and kick them out. Why romance is given such prominence in almost every single book and movie. There are more interesting things in life. Like crocodilians. Shipping. And being emotionally invested in a 'ship' and defending it within an inch of its life and putting so much energy into justifying the very existence of a 'ship'. What even is dating. What constitutes a 'date'. What elements make it a date. What makes it different from doing an activity with someone that you enjoy being around (or want to be around more). Ugh, amatonormativity. Romance is more trouble than its worth - why do so many people think it's the be-all and end-all of human existence?
  19. That's unfortunate! I haven't had too much trouble finding play partners, but I'm looking forward to going to an event next weekend and hopefully meeting some more people in a casual context. There's always a few couples looking for a third, but so far, the scene here seems pretty inclusive. I really enjoyed your article - very interesting, and I definitely appreciate your perspective. Thanks for sharing!
  20. So, does anyone else watch the show 'She's Gotta Have It' on Netflix? Honestly, I'm really vibing with Nola Darling right now - I think she's aro-spec, because she's a relationship anarchist but gets uncomfortable when her sexual partners make things romantic or want to take things 'to the next level'. Could be wishful thinking about me really wanting more aro-representation in the media, but I think her aversion is more than just 'commitment phobia'. Also, if you haven't watched the show - it's wicked, and 110% worth watching.
  21. Let's keep it PG! Is anyone else involved in BDSM type relationships while Aro? How is it working out for you? I'm pretty active in the scene and curious about how other Aro-spec people are experiencing this type of relationship. For me personally, it goes way beyond the sex, and I truly enjoy the non-romantic type of deep connection that comes with BDSM. To me, it is a really great compromise between an intimate romantic connection, and a purely sexual one - kind of an ideal middle ground, and one that's working out really well for me so far. Thoughts? Also, I'm open to questions here or over PM, in case anyone doesn't want to ask or discuss openly. (And if this is crossing a line, please let me know!)
  22. I've definitely felt those feels before! I'm a bit romance-adverse, so I don't tend to get them while watching most movies, just occasionally if there's a really touching closeness between a couple characters in one of the shows I watch (like Diane Lockhart and Curt McVeigh in the Goodwife). Then I get those achy feels because I want that kind of closeness and intimacy with people, but it seems almost impossible to find without romo-strings attached. It doesn't really cause me a great deal of sadness, just a temporary dissatisfaction and pang of loneliness. I think you just need to find some kind of coping mechanism when these kinds of feelings come up though, especially since romantic-type connections are in our face, all the time. Maybe instead of dwelling on the kind of connection you don't have, make a list of things you have instead - like independence, freedom, the ability to live your own life without compromising for another person. If you're old enough for online dating, maybe post a profile about what you're looking for - who knows, there could be someone else in the same boat as you!
  23. Well, you're both right. The 'Why is it so hard to just be friends?' has a multitude of different meanings and interpretations, and it all depends on context and individual experience. I've heard it used by some people who /just/ wanted friendship, and were feeling frustrated that other people always seemed to want more from them. Personally, I've used the phrase in both contexts, in relation to different people/experiences. Rather than attaching a 'one-size-fits-all' interpretation to these kinds of phrases, I think it's more important to read between the lines, and listen to the context and experience the person is describing, and legitimizing their frustrations - regardless of whether it relates to a sexual/sensual friendship, or a purely platonic one.
  24. Oh, I 100% agree with you on this. Since learning about aromanticism, and sharing it with friends, they've shared some of their own experiences and many of them fell somewhere on the Aro/Ace spectrum, which was surprising and illuminating. I think the more awareness there is, more people will find it helpful to put a word to their experiences, and start to normalize aromanticism as a legitimate way of being. Before I learned about aromanticism, I used both of those phrases frequently, lol - and I've heard so many people say something similar like 'I'm just not ready' or 'Why is it so hard to just be friends?'. I think there are a lot of lovely and lonely and confused aro's out there - we just need to spread awareness and no-romo love to find them!
  25. Absolutely! (and that goes for anyone else too - always happy to chat over PM!)
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