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Eklinaar

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Everything posted by Eklinaar

  1. I can relate to some of this, since I have also been questioning whether or not I'm demisexual or allosexual. I don't fully fit the definition of demisexual because I am sexually attracted to strangers, but everything else about demisexuality sounds like me. It's like, if the base potential for sexual attraction for demisexual people starts at 0 and then slowly increases to 10 as they form an emotional connection, mine starts at 2 and slowly increases to 10 as I form an emotional connection. I think you have to decide what you are for yourself unfortunately.
  2. It took me a while to realize this, but part of the reason why my hair and beard are so unkempt is because I don't want people to find me conventionally attractive. I feel like they don't really appreciate me for who I am as soon as they put me in the box of "potential romantic/sexual partner". But much more than that, I don't want to be seen as conventionally attractive in a masculine way, because I'm nonbinary and that makes me very dysphoric.
  3. Your posts are all very relatable to me and I appreciate how you share your experiences.  Thank you.

    1. Queen of Spades

      Queen of Spades

      Glad to hear this! :) 

  4. I don't think I'm demisexual, but I've questioned whether I am for quite some time because my sexuality behaves somewhat like this. I'm usually, but not always, only attracted to someone I've been friends with for a while. My sex drive doesn't fade completely when there's no one reciprocating my interest, but it does fade significantly. Being with someone else doesn't gross me out, but I'm polyamorous so that might explain that part. But like you, having reciprocal sexual interest on top of an emotional bond is for me such a different and far more intense experience from simply being horny that I'm not sure they're even the same kind of phenomenon. I understand feeling heartbroken and wanting to be affectionate. I'm sorry you're going through that. It's tough. I hope you two will be able to work out something more satisfying in the future.
  5. Hey, I noticed you haven't posted anything in a while.  I hope everything's okay.

    1. Queen of Spades

      Queen of Spades

      Hello, I'm fine, don't worry! ^_^ It's just that I've been busy working on my diploma project in order to get my bachelor's degree :-s. The presentation is due in June. x_x

    2. Eklinaar

      Eklinaar

      I'm glad you're okay.  Good luck with your project!

    3. Queen of Spades

      Queen of Spades

      Thank you ^_^. 

       

  6. Yeah, I get this a lot, too, so much that I got voluntold to start a discussion group about it. I've been running that discussion group for almost 4 years now.
  7. This is a tough one. I don't have an answer, and I wish I did. I also want committed companionship, but romance feels stifling or just bizarre to me. Most of my friends are married, too, and they don't make time for friendship any more. The few friends who are single are devoted to their careers and/or pursuit of romance. Finding people where I live who are open-minded about sexuality, identity, and lifestyle is somewhat common, but they still are not open-minded about romantic/aromantic needs. Ideally, I would be with someone who is independent and wanted a balance of doing things together and doing things alone, but still liked to cuddle and have sex a lot, and share food. I don't need monogamy, but I do like loyalty and devotion. Emotional intimacy and trust is something I crave. I tried online dating for a couple years and it was awful. Everyone just wants romance or casual sex, and I don't like either of those. I mostly get jealous of my friends who aren't lonely. I don't want the lives they have, I just don't want to be lonely. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. If I did, I'd be doing it, too. Making friends here has been a good experience for me, at least. There are some needs this community can't fulfill, but they are great, and they help, and I'm doing better now that I've found this place.
  8. In high school (back in the 90s when nobody used the word "aromantic" as an identity, and I sure had no idea I was aro), my girlfriend asked me to go to prom with her, and I told her I wasn't really comfortable with it. Then I suggested that she ask someone else to go with her. She got super upset with me and I did not at all understand why. Looking back now, it's the most obliviously aromantic thing I've ever done.
  9. Maybe this is more showing my age, but I've got one that I almost never see. I see a lot of people say Rey in Star Wars is aro in their headcanon, and I'm fully behind this and I hope she never ends up romantically involved. But what about Luke Skywalker? I know in the EU, he gets married and has babies. Frankly, I never got into the EU and I don't care about it. I only ever watched the movies and the cartoons. So, my headcanon is that Luke is aro. I know it's really easy to read him as in a love triangle in A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back, and I think the writers intended for that to be the case, but hear me out. I think in these movies, he's actually aro. Leia initiates all the romantic contact. Luke's interest mainly seems incidental, pretty much only when either Leia initiates something, or when Han brings it up in conversation. Otherwise, he shows way more enthusiasm for other things. The only possibly romantic action Luke makes without Leia initiating it or Han starting a conversation is that he thinks she's beautiful when he first sees her image. Perhaps this is aesthetic attraction? By The Empire Strikes Back, Leia is clearly more interested in Han and both Leia and Luke are mainly keeping up their romantic interactions just to jab at Han. Leia still initiates it. So my headcanon is that Luke's interest in possible romantic attraction is mainly just curiosity, because he's young and has lived a fairly isolated life. And like many young aros, he thinks attraction is something he should experience, and Leia has an assertive personality and has expressed interest, so he goes along with it to satisfy his curiosity. On top of that, they have a clear connection, and maybe he mistakes it for romantic, not understanding the nature of it. It quickly fades as they learn more about each other and Leia turns her attention to Han. Luke never shows any other romantic interest anywhere else in the movies. Seriously, aside from the fact that they are separated twins and don't know it yet, how aro is that?
  10. Hi! Your whole post, it me! I have some feelings about this in general, and about your post in particular. So, I mostly identify as agender. I'm AMAB, I use he/him pronouns (though I don't care if someone uses any others), and I have a rather masculine presentation. I have a big bushy beard and facial features that our society would generally consider rather masculine. I wear men's clothing, but I don't really go out of my way to find clothing that is masculine. If anything, my clothing could be described as "plain". I quite like my body, especially my facial hair. I do know women who are into feminine clothing BECAUSE it is feminine and because wearing it reinforces their female identity. But not all women are like that. Some women wear clothing that isn't feminine and look for other ways to reinforce or validate their feminine identity. The gender scripts fall apart quickest when you examine the assumption that they are universal, because they objectively, provably are not. For me, the separations between presentation and identity are really apparent, but I think that's because I am sensitive to them. While I know that pretty much everyone in our culture would consider my beard to be inherently masculine, and I even understand why people would assume that, I get VERY irritated with anyone who says so. In my mind, my beard is just hair, and it doesn't have a gender, and someone calling me or my beard "manly" is misgendering me. I don't really relate to men as being "like me" at all. Honestly, I find most men pretty gross, and most of my friends are women. Male-only spaces are toxic as hell, and being in them for me has the double discomfort of feeling like I'm in a place where I don't belong and feeling utterly disgusted at men who think it's okay to be nasty and misogynistic when no women are around. I've also found that many men CONSTANTLY seek validation of their masculinity from other men when no women are around, and not much makes me feel more dysphoric than that, so I avoid being alone with men. Long before I realized that I'm trans, I avoided male-only spaces or any event or activity that would be divided along gender lines because I was always uncomfortable in them, like social dances, sports teams, and the like. In large venues, I'd go out of my way to find less-used public bathrooms so I wouldn't have to be in the men's bathroom with other men. In college, I lived on the top floor of a dorm with no elevators, and I would pretty frequently go down to the first floor where no men lived and use the men's bathroom there because I knew it would be empty. And this was with people I knew, trusted, and (more or less) liked. I think most the examples of expressing gender outside presentation are behavior. For example, my favorite alcoholic beverage is single malt scotch, which is considered a manly drink. I don't care what its gender association is, I just think it tastes good. You'd be hard pressed to find any men who would admit that they like colorful fruity cocktails, because they are considered feminine drinks. It may not be the case any more, but when I was a kid, video games were considered a hobby for boys only (and even then, only nerdy boys who couldn't cut it as sports jocks). There are tons of gendered communication patterns, too. Men are way more likely to make confident assertive statements, while women offering suggestions are usually going to add conditionals or pose it as optional or questionable. These are all socially trained responses. When a friend discloses an emotional dilemma or stressful situation, the "masculine" response is to brainstorm for solutions (or just straight up give unsolicited advice) and the "feminine" response is to express sympathy. A lot of emotional labor is also gendered. My girlfriend in college often said that my willingness and skill with discussing emotional content with sensitivity was very feminine, and that it was usurping her role in our relationship. It also bothered her that a lot of my friends saw me as a good person to discuss sensitive emotional issues with, and that her friends didn't see her that way. I've often been told that my lack of aggressiveness and my calmness are "unmasculine", to which I sometimes respond "Go fuck yourself, I'll be passive and calm all I want. Is that masculine enough for you?" Personally, I think people can "observe" my gender identity in my behavior. Or I like to think so. I think most people probably don't see past my big beard. Men are supposed to be emotionally constipated, so I like to express warmth (though depression and my naturally monotone voice doesn't help with this). Men are supposed to be emotionally stunted, so I express emotional sophistication and awareness. Men are supposed to be lascivious and quick to anger, so I'm sexually reserved and slow to anger. Men are supposed to be incapable of nurturing, so I go out of my way to be nurturing. Maybe I'm the only one who sees these behaviors as a gender rebellion, but I'm the only one who needs to see it. The only way I present a lack of masculinity in my appearance is my long hair, but even that isn't the case in a lot of the subcultures I hang out in, like long hair is normal for men in metal music and in wilderness enthusiasts. As for privilege, I do admit I have it and benefit from it, especially when it comes to professional settings or situations where I feel unsafe. Sometimes I use it to subvert things, though. Like if I see men being misogynistic, I'll call them out on it and present myself as a "fellow man", because they're far more likely to take me seriously if they see me as "one of us". I've also found that a lot of men are more willing to take advice about cultivating emotional awareness and sensitivity from someone they think is a man. But on the other hand, sometimes my friends that I'm out to will dismiss my criticisms of their cisnormativity because I'm trans. While I support the current movement against toxic masculinity and cultivating images of masculinity that are healthy, I have no desire to participate in them and my support for them is always at a distance. Even if I liked men and masculinity, I'm still not male and I still don't want to be seen as such. I guess for me there is a little bit of a paradox in that I have a strong desire to be seen as not male, but I maintain a masculine appearance, and my acts of gender rebellion decidedly avoid altering my appearance. I think it's because the paradox isn't something I hold, it's something everyone else holds. My appearance is my appearance, it's not inherently masculine, and in fact, since it is MY appearance, it's NOT masculine, because I'm not male. Everyone else assumes it's masculine, and that's their problem. Though it is interesting to note that in my dreams, I have a much more androgynous appearance. That's never failed to fascinate me.
  11. I'm AMAB nonbinary. I'm fairly masculine-presenting but I identify as mostly agender. So, a lot of my fundamental experience is different from yours, but I think there are some similarities. I find straight cis men to be almost universally repulsive. However, this isn't because of their identity or because of dysphoria, it's because of their behavior. I realize that none of this is inherent to the straight cis male identity, just that toxic masculinity is so pervasive that it's near-universal. Most straight cis men behave terribly, say sexist things frequently, are unnecessarily aggressive and competitive, believe they deserve everything they want, and they hide a lot of this behavior from anyone who isn't also a cis straight man. Because I'm tall and hairy and have a deep voice, most straight cis men assume I am straight and cis, so they let their guard down and behave in utterly repugnant ways when no women or queer people are around; the "boys club" mentality. Younger men seem to be a bit better in this regard since they tend to be more aware of feminism and sexism, but it's still a big problem. I already get pretty dysphoric when people treat me like I'm male because I know I am not, but people associating me with such a bigoted and violent demographic is very upsetting to me a lot of the time. I have met some straight cis men who are very considerate and empathetic and thoughtful, and I wish other straight cis men would realize that these men are good role models for them. Most of my friends are straight cis women, and while I enjoy our friendships, our relationships are often strained by their inability to understand my trans identity. It's also hard when I know that a lot of women bond with each other in ways relating to their female identity, and I can't share most of that. Our society has all these rituals for binary men and women to bond with each other over shared experience, and it can feel very lonely being nonbinary and left out of all that. My experiences with trans people are very mixed. I greatly appreciate discussing our trans experiences, but I find that a lot of binary trans people are wary of me, and some suspect that I'm "not really trans" because I'm comfortable with my body. So even in trans community spaces I often feel isolated because these communities often revolve around the experience of body transition, which is not something I'm doing. But the emotional and personal experience of being trans is something I can relate to very strongly. I have had a few close trans friends, but for a variety of reasons, none of those relationships continue to this day. I very rarely meet nonbinary people, and even when I do, we usually have such different personalities and interests that we can't really sustain a friendship. As for me, attraction and gender identity are just totally separate things. Gender has so much to do with behavior, appearance, personality, communication styles, and all sorts of other things that aren't related to attraction. There are social rules for particular gender roles in relationships defined by attraction, but they still seem like separate things. I'm sure not everyone experiences it this way, but to me, at least, it seems like there are pretty clear distinctions. I don't feel like my experiences of attraction and my experiences of gender identity influence each other very much, since my gender identity is about who I am, and attraction is about who I want to be intimate with.
  12. I confess that I resent the people who used to be my close friends who got married and had babies and quit hanging out with me. And I resent even more that they think there's nothing wrong with that.
  13. I mean... that was 8 years ago, and hardly anybody's touched me since then... but yeah I admit it was pretty great at the time. Sometimes I wish I didn't crave that kind of closeness, though, because the loneliness sucks.
  14. Sex for me has always been an emotionally intense experience. I almost envy people who can have sex more casually, because it sounds like a lot of fun. An allo friend recently described to me the desire for sex as "an itch that needs to be scratched" and I don't think I've ever experienced it like that. If I'm with a partner for a long time, I can get more comfortable with them and sex can be less emotionally charged for me and can become playful and fun, but there's always that foundation of trust and emotional intimacy. I can only speculate about why sex is like this for me, but I think it's because empathy is the main tool I use to build intimate relationships. Emotional connection is what I want most out of friendships and intimate relationships. This is probably why I've been able to have the occasional functional romantic relationship, because my desire for deep emotional connection is sometimes compatible with some alloromantic people's desire for a committed partner. What I want out of sex most of the time is more empathy, deep and intense empathy. I also experience lust and sexual attraction, but those aren't the prime drivers for me, they're more like extra spice added to the meal of empathy. I'm a very touch-oriented person, so I like to use touch as a kind of emotional expression. I'm also a communication nerd, and some people are very expressive in unique ways during sex, so it's very satisfying for me to participate in that, especially when combined with all the other ways that sex is enjoyable. So, the best sex I've experienced is like a combination of really tender cuddling, a very stimulating conversation, an immediate experience of feeling loved and appreciated, the satisfaction of desire, and tactile pleasure. Since my experience of being on the aromantic spectrum manifests partly as a lack of differentiation between the love for close friends and the love for intimate partners, then the kinds of trust and emotional intimacy I build in those relationships are effectively the same for me. I end up feeling comfortable with close friends in nearly identical ways to how I end up feeling comfortable with intimate partners, and so I feel like the same boundaries would work for me, as well as the same expressions of affection. But they don't work for most alloromantics, which is something I have to remind myself of frequently. I usually navigate this problem by relying on explicit and clear verbal consent. As for what can improve the experience of sex, I think that's a highly individual thing. One of my partners and I liked to talk a lot during sex, and we found that affirmations really enhanced the experience. Like, we'd be doing something sexual and simultaneously just saying things we liked about each other. Sometimes they were related to the sexual experience and sometimes they weren't. That had a noticeable change in sex for me as an experience of mutual appreciation and shared empathy. Finding things like that can take time and exploration.
  15. I'm in the US and broke, myself. It's a shame we're on three different continents. But I'd love to meet up with some aros once I can afford it.
  16. I've spent a good bit of time in a variety of LGBTQ communities both online and IRL and this community has shown some of the greatest intersectional awareness I've encountered so far. I'm seriously impressed. It seems like a good place to make friends.
  17. I don't know any ace/aro people where I live, and I'm not active on AVEN. I didn't find nearly as much that I personally could relate to on those boards as I do here. Making ace/aro friends is pretty much why I'm here.
  18. Yeah, I have the opposite problem. I think a lot of people feel threatened by me because they usually read me as a cishet male, and I understand why they feel that way. My friends who used to cuddle with me are all very monogamous, and the culture here is very against platonic touch. It's pretty frustrating. I'm glad you have friends who understand your feelings in this regard.
  19. Yeah, I often feel like people don't take my desires for intimacy seriously, or just dismiss my experience as "having problems with boundaries". I understand where that's coming from, since tons of cishet dudes don't respect people's boundaries, but I've been told by my last few partners that I'm very respectful of boundaries. Most of my friends have entered long-term monogamous relationships and will barely be affectionate with me any more, and new people I meet always assume romantic intent. A meetup sounds like a great idea. I'd just need to save up enough money to travel and work on my social anxiety.
  20. I quite enjoy drinking, myself, but mainly because I like the taste of a finely aged single-malt scotch whisky or an interesting herbal digestif. In times when I've been financially well off, I was as likely as not to have a single drink with dinner, but these days I can't afford that. I rarely drink more than one or two servings of booze.
  21. I've been in a number of romantic relationships, some of them awful, a few of them very satisfying and meaningful. I think maybe I used to feel romantic attraction when I was very young, though it could have just been lust and I didn't know the difference at the time. But I crave deep emotional and physical intimacy, so for a long time I continued to seek romantic relationships because most people consider it inappropriate to engage in that kind of intimacy unless it's in the context of a romantic relationship, even though romance really confused me. Now, I don't know any more. I still crave intimacy but I'm afraid to seek it. I'm afraid of being hurt or hurting my partner because we don't understand each other's feelings, or of them getting hostile and invalidating my identity, which has happened a few times. I'd still like an intimate relationship, but I guess the ideal would be with another aro who wants similar things, or an allo who makes the time and effort to understand our differences and is okay with it.
  22. I'd say to my younger self, "maybe be less of a jerk and think more carefully about how your actions can hurt people."
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