aro_elise

aro heterosexual woman, ring finger is longer (but probably shorter than most of your baby fingers)

my best friend is all i'll ever need. (i want sexual partners, but that's different--i mean for closeness/love.) i want to live with her at some point, but i'm honestly fine with the idea of her finding a romantic partner/husband and living with him for life. i want to be all over the world anyway, not in the same place for long. and besides her, i'd prefer to live alone (i have a roommate due to circumstance, until next april.) i've entertained ideas of asking my best friend for a qpr or some kind of like, unofficial friend-wedding, but i don't think anything would actually change; i don't want it to (except to see her more often). as for my friends other than her, i'm happy to have them, of course, and i'll be happy to make new ones. i feel like what i want i either already have or it's within reach.

listen to yourself. if it's who you are or it's right for you, be honest with yourself and don't apologize. that's the kind of freedom and peace you can't even explain. if you want it, go get it, no time like the present. if it's not making you happy, let it go. sometimes you'll be unhappy for no reason. get help. it's ok to not be ok, and it won't always be like this. god loves you and is with you always. you're perfect. i love you. oh, and love allison the best way you know how, forever. i hope you know how lucky you are.

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relatable. just try to remember crushes and romantic relationships aren't the only fun/happy experience, or even the only sort you can have with another person. idk whether you have or want squishes/qprs or sexual partners, but friends, surely. pretty much anything you wish you could do with a romantic partner, you could do with a friend or qpp, and lots you can do alone. and even if i try to imagine being allo (which, to be fair, i can't), i really can't imagine loving anyone more than my best friend--it's just the best love i could hope for.

@Holmbo yay! good video.

to me it doesn't even sound like it was something you wanted to happen, based on the following: as well as that you seemed more "upset" that you might have hurt his feelings than anything. and when you said: did you mean you weren't into him? and if not him, surely no one? all this is just my interpretation. but as others pointed out, even if you were neutral/unsure or favourable about the situation in the dream, it doesn't necessarily reflect real-life attraction. sometimes we do or think about things out of curiosity and/or a feeling of obligation rather than because we particularly want to. (i mean in real life, but the dream could have been a sort of exploration of curiosity.) i got into a romantic relationship for that reason, and i'm definitely aro. but as always, try not to worry or feel a need to be totally sure of or unchanging in your identity.

cool! makes sense, considering, as @Mark pointed out, we didn't hear much of romance in the west until relatively recently either. and i'm sure i'd be interested to read the book and consider from my perspectives as heterosexual, aro, feminist, 'non-traditional' woman, and all that. hey, you know what would be neat? if a few of us read it so we could have more discussions, maybe even chapter-by-chapter. like a book club, or like we used to do in school ?

hey! this is the only forum i've ever been on, i like it, and i hope you will too. is your title a john mulaney reference or am i overthinking it?

there are a few. here's the movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WYjo-Wrd2w&t=1617s and here are some moments with approximate times to cut them off: 26:24-26:52 allison says she's never been in love (i also just really like this part because of how she talks about her passion/future career--i know exactly how she feels) 37:25-37:42 her mom says she wants allison to fall in love and get married, allison objects 42:58-43:04 "i'm never going to get married; i'm just going to have lovers" (the surrounding scene is sort of a conversation between her and norman about relationships and sex, and they kiss without being romantically involved, but it's too long for a 'moment'--just if you want to watch for interest's sake) 2:08:39-2:08:50 "...and kiss boys whenever the impulse sweeps over me"

i watched a movie with a character i relate to so much! allison mackenzie from peyton place (1957). for reference, she narrates at an unknown age the story which includes her 18th birthday and presumably at least one more. she's almost definitely aromantic (though she wouldn't be able to call it that) and heterosexual. she plans not to get married, but to "have lovers". she likes to "kiss boys whenever the impulse sweeps over (her)". she's happy to live on her own, pursue her dream career (writing), and socialize. there's a guy she's kind of involved with; we see them talk, kiss, swim at the lake, and after going their separate ways, meet unexpectedly on a train and agree to have dinner together. there's no indication that they end up as long-term partners, or even (as far as i could see) that either likes the other romantically. we do see other couples who are definitely married or in committed relationships, leading me to believe that if they were, it would be equally explicit. oh, and she has a single mom--she was the "mistress" of a married man who died when allison was 2. she ends up in a committed relationship with a nice man, so it doesn't seem like allison's preferences are supposed to be influenced by her mom's ~scandalous~ past. she clearly values love, as she begins the story by describing the four seasons and adding: "but there was a fifth season, of love. and only the wise or the lucky ones knew where to find it." the end of the movie is the end of her narration: "we'd finally discovered that season of love. it is only found in someone else's heart. right now, someone you know is looking everywhere for it. and it's in you." which btw i think is really lovely even without the specifically non-romantic context i'm giving it. so yeah, that was super cool. i watch almost exclusively old movies and i can say that especially for the time, the movie was very bold. wasn't afraid to get into serious/controversial topics and discussions, including premarital/casual sex, and--if you're thinking of watching it, trigger warning--rape, murder (self-defense), and suicide. heavy, but good.

ohh man. yup. it was with my first and only boyfriend. we were 17. we'd already been dating for a couple weeks and i guess i'd been avoiding it. we were on my couch, we'd finished watching something, i sensed him looking at me and i purposely kept looking forward lmao i wasn't exactly sure what was up but i was uncomfortable, as usual. then he kissed me on the cheek and i was like, ok fine, so i turned and kissed him. i guess i was like, if this is happening, it's gonna be as non-romantic (ie sexual) as possible, so it was like full-on making out. i remember after he left i was like, ok that was cool. when we kissed normally, like a quick kiss goodbye or whatever, i was not so thrilled. because i perceive that as romantic/perfunctory. these respective feelings are still the same, but now i understand and accept them. since then, i've just made out with a few guys, including him again.

it's up to you how you feel about it. some aroaces see romantic and sexual attraction--or their lack of it--as connected; some see them as separate and they lack both. i imagine that would influence how they perceive their feelings about sex and romance. i obviously can't weigh in.

i'm so glad you found great friends and an understanding of your identity! it certainly is a relief.

sounds like you guys have a good plan! i wouldn't know how to help except to edit; my spelling and grammar are near perfect, if i may say so. and @nonmerci, i'd love to read your translation, just out of interest, since i'm fluent enough to read it but not to write it.

i experience strong platonic attraction/love. for squishes, it's kind of similar to how i've heard crushes described, in that i'm excited to be around them and think about them a lot. no butterflies, just like, 'cool! there they are!' for my best friend of 15 years, it's this wonderful, comfortable, peaceful love, like i know it'll last forever. but it also overwhelms me sometimes just to feel how strong it is. and yeah, i value friendship very highly too. i can't quite tell how your experiences compare, but they do sound like some sort of platonic love.

i'm not sure whether you mean you're aroace or like, if there were someone you were/could be sexually attracted to but they show romantic attraction toward you, you become repulsed by the idea of not just romance but also sex with them. i'm going to comment on the latter. i think i'm kind of like that. when i was dating my ex, we didn't do much sexual stuff and even now in retrospect it's hard for me to figure out to what degree that was because i was freaked out about the whole romantic situation vs i just wasn't ready regardless. a bit of both. 4 years later (recently), we hooked up. before and after, i was vaguely concerned that his romantic attraction to me might sort of return, and after, when he showed what i interpreted as somewhat romantic affection, i was romance-repulsed. (i don't know whether he intended it to be romantic, sexual, or something else, and it doesn't much matter. we later agreed to be--for lack of a better word--"just" friends.) obviously my concerns weren't big enough to deter me from doing it once, but yeah. so hypothetically, if i were sexually attracted to someone (with whom i don't have a complicated history) and i found out he was romantically attracted to me, would that change? i don't think so. i'd be apprehensive but not sex-repulsed. like this: so yeah, it seems they can definitely be at least related in some way for many of us.

apparently i've voted some time ago but not commented, so here i am now. hugs: i think i said sometimes. i never dislike them, but as a greeting between not particularly close friends/family, it's like, whatever, just social convention. with those i love, it's nice. kisses: sometimes. if it's sexual, like making out, then yes. obviously with someone i'm sexually attracted to. otherwise no. cuddling: no. i see it as a romantic thing, and didn't like it with my ex. i doubt i would with friends either, it just seems unnecessary and inconvenient.

i don't remember ever particularly liking the idea of romance, but now that i've experienced a romantic relationship and been identifying as aro for like 4 1/2 years, i'm much more aware of it and sometimes repulsed by it. i guess..before i knew, when i saw or read romantic stuff it was like i couldn't relate yet, and i just didn't think much of it it, didn't notice amatonormativity. now, it's like i can't relate, period, and i can't escape it, you know? on a few shows, a character has done something nice for their friend whom they used to date, or hope to, and i wonder whether they did it out of true friendship or romantic attraction, like hoping to impress them and get (back) together with them or whatever. because if that were the intention of anyone i considered a friend, i'd feel kind of deceived and definitely disappointed. but anyway, yeah, i think it's different now for all of us.

i was thinking that too, how my not wanting a romantic relationship or marriage (or kids) is criticized or dismissed because women are supposed to want those things.

the type of attraction you seem to be describing is aesthetic. for some people, it can lead to sexual and/or romantic attraction, but simply thinking someone is nice-looking doesn't equate to that. like when i find a woman aesthetically attractive, that's all it is. there's also platonic attraction, which is basically wanting to be friends or queerplatonic partners with someone, and many aros experience squishes, which are sometimes compared to crushes, but platonic. this is where the 'thinking about them a lot' may come in. i suppose the person's appearance could be a factor, but it tends to be based on personality. if you are aro, that doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship or experience love. just probably not romantic. but there is an arospec identity term for those who don't experience romantic attraction but desire romantic relationships: cupioromantic. hope that helps somewhat.

1900 (edited, lol i’m dumb)

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