aro_elise

i did it! thanks

@hemogoblin has a point. i don't intend to speak for all heterosexuals, but i believe i'm as heterosexual as you can get, and i'm not attracted to guys because of their genitals. i wouldn't have sex with anyone with biologically female body part(s) like a vagina (or watch porn featuring any such person) because that's off-putting for me--i imagine it's similar to how sex-repulsed asexuals feel about all people/bodies, and i hope that's not wildly off-base. but i could absolutely be attracted to a trans guy with his pants on. and i wouldn't be attracted to anyone, including cis guys, whose presentation and demeanor were more feminine than not. for the record, i have seen naked women and men in illustration class, and that's different because i'm focused on drawing them; it's like drawing anything. certainly i can find women very aesthetically attractive. if in my fashion design career i ever have models, i'll choose them based on that, both their face and (clothed) figure. and again, i certainly cannot have sex with someone without being sexually attracted to them. i understand this statement was about people in general, and that it is of course physically possible, but i don't get how it could be enjoyable. yeah, that doesn't sound straight. when i came across your post the first time i did say bisexual. but idk man, as others have said, it's up to you.

i suppose you could say i care, i mean i definitely identify as a woman. i can't tell you what makes me feel that way, besides my biological sex and upbringing--i don't think my parents imposed too many gender norms on me (they didn't know until i was born, so my room and first clothes and toys were gender-neutral), and they let me pick pretty much everything as soon as i was able to. i chose girly clothes, lip gloss, dance classes, books about fairies, dolls/fashion stuff (partly because i've always known i want to be a designer). some gender-neutral stuff too, of course. and obviously boys can dance and wear pink and all that, you know what i mean. and now, even though the life i want could hardly be further from the kind of life women were supposed to want/have back in the day, that just means i'm not conforming to traditional gender roles, not that i'm not a woman. now, the purpose of the following exercise is actually to differentiate individualist cultures from collectivist, but i thought it would serve to illustrate my point about gender identity too. the task is to complete the sentence "i am (a)..." with the first thing which comes to mind. someone from a collectivist culture would most likely identify themselves in terms of a relation to someone else, ex. "i am the daughter/wife/mother of so-and-so," while someone from an individualist one (like mine, canada) would name their gender, occupation, nationality, main personality trait, etc. when i did the exercise, the first thing which came to mind was "i am a woman." so i think that proves not only that i view myself on an individual level (as expected) but that my gender is a prominent part of my identity. *note: that doesn't mean it's the most important, just the most immediately obvious.* actually, i have to wonder whether those of us in individualist cultures give more thought/value to our gender and orientations overall, like how familiar are collectivists with aromanticism? well, that's a whole other thing.

sometimes, like if it's relevant, like if we're talking about dating and i contribute my attitude or experience, i might follow it up with "'cause, you know." the implied end of the sentence being "i'm aro, so ?‍♀️". like my roommate was talking about the concept of eventually getting bored with a partner and i said "i'd get bored with them in like a month, but, you know." and if i say something like that around someone who doesn't know, i might tell them. occasionally with my best friend i'll talk about deeper stuff like my fear of my friends not having time/love for me when they get married or whatever. sometimes people will ask me questions, like my best friend asked me to help her understand demisexuality because she thought my understanding of sexual and romantic orientation would make for a good answer, and i kind of explained the ace and aro spectrums. but you know, there's only so much of the topic you can really talk about with allos and understand each other, especially without some preliminary lesson. like a lot of our discussions here, i wouldn't have with anyone else.

absolutely, i did that as a kid. my friend and i even used to 'plan' weddings in a notebook, the season, venue, food, decor, like we were wedding planners. as for mine, it never crossed my mind to give any thought to my future husband (i knew i liked boys). i didn't think about the ceremony at all. and now that i know i don't want to get married, i still think about the other stuff--especially the dress, since i'm a designer--just idly, for fun.

i'm always glad to talk about my experiences and feelings, tbh i could just answer questions like an interview. or like a narcissist ? i'll make a post of my own if something inspires the idea. if you guys have ideas, by all means, post away.

my roommate has a friend with benefits, and their 'friendly' activities include having dinner and wine in his backyard, going out for ice cream, and painting together. upon hearing this, friends of hers insist that the two of them are dating. she told me she doesn't have romantic feelings for him (and i believe vise versa). they don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc--pretty much their only physical contact is sexual. to be honest, it sounds a lot like the sort of relationship i'd like. however, she wanted to know what i thought since she said some of the platonic things they do she wouldn't do one-on-one with other friends, and she doesn't want him to date or sleep with other people, partly but not entirely because of covid. while i couldn't relate to those last feelings, i said that if she and he agree they're "not dating or in a relationship" then they're not, and it doesn't so much matter what they call it, as long as they're happy with what it is. since she knows i'm aro, she also asked how i would feel about doing 'date-like' things with someone, and i said fine--again it's not so much about the activity as our feelings; if i knew or felt that the guy was romantically attracted to me or considered the activities romantic, i wouldn't like that, but if we were on the same page, great. she seemed to follow that, and surely applied it to the way she thought about her relationship with this guy. i suppose i'm just sharing this because it's not often i can have a conversation about relationships with an alloromantic where we share many feelings/attitudes, and it was cool. and i wanted to point out how amatonormativity also affects allos (which i know is well-established)--remember how people tried to label her relationship as romantic just based on a description of it without understanding the actual feelings of the people involved.

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hey! same ✌️ i'm glad you found the term and community, it is a relief, isn't it? and the whole thing about sex being associated with romance, yeah, it's so great when you're comfortable with your orientation and can be comfortable going into a sexual experience knowing it's just what you want. back when i was dating my ex and kind of in denial about being aro, it made everything complicated--stuff i'd normally enjoy, like hanging out and making out with him, but when it's romantic for him, it's uncomfortable for me. you're totally not alone and i'm glad you like it here.

i read those descriptions, and i related to a few for squishes and a few for sexual attraction, like this one: "Most of the time, you’ll try and avoid them and just stare at their beautiful face from afar." ? the guy i'm into, whenever i see him i totally check him out, i think i'm pretty slick though. mostly it's watching him play tennis (so he's not looking at me) and i'm just thinking 'nice serve, nice face, nice shot, nice abs.' if he walked right by me i'd have a hard time looking at him or greeting him casually. and i try to look good if i know i'll be seeing him, which, @wintergreentictac, you said you don't even do. and i want a wedding but not a spouse, just the dress and party. and i started identifying as aro at 17, i'm now 22 and still haven't felt romantic attraction. of course, you can only know your experiences up until this point, and if you feel that the term 'aromantic' reflects them, go for it, and if that changes, that's fine. not sure how helpful that was, feel free to ask me any questions.

yeah i have that fear and i've expressed it to my best friend, as well as my logical belief that she won't actually love me less. and i wish it were easier to find the kinds of relationships i want without worrying about the others being romantically attracted to me/having my romance repulsion triggered or whatever. but i don't wish i experienced romantic attraction. i used to wonder, you know, what it would be like, but you could wonder about all kinds of ways things could be different. being aro is who i am and i like it.

@WilmaW since you mentioned hoo, i feel the need to plug my old post: right?!

yes! the 'ay' from aro and the rest rhymes with -pocalypse. the only valid answer. well, ay-row-calypse (first two syllables = aro) can stay but you're on thin ice. ?

what i was going to say. like, someone who identifies as 'bisexual' (and nothing else) is most likely also biromantic, but the former term is meant to encompass the whole attraction thing. we generally don't see specific reference to romantic orientation unless it differs from sexual, for example i believe the most common combination is bisexual heteroromantic--i have encountered a few people who have identified themselves as such. that being said, outside of the a-spec community, not a ton of people are aware of split attraction, so when someone includes ace representation, in their mind, they're not excluding aro--they may think that the two necessarily go together, or they may not think of it at all. among those who are familiar with aromanticism as a separate orientation and (essentially purposely) exclude it, i don't know. maybe it has to do with them not seeing it as valid, either as part of the lgbt+ community or at all.

hey! don't be nervous, it's chill here. sorry, is it not? romantically attracted to two genders? i'm not bi-anything but i feel like all the prefixes apply the same way to romantic and sexual orientations. anyway, welcome.

wow, you said it. i'm gearing up to try the club/tinder thing (when safe) and i'm lowkey dreading weeding through the romance. like when i have sex/make out with dudes i, like, consciously try to make sure it doesn't get romantic and it's like ughhh if i could just not worry... and the smut thing with sudden romance, no joke, it's like that jolt when you've been lying on the beach baking like a pizza and you walk into the comparatively freezing lake, instant regret. thought i'd pipe in here as well, i'd like a few, varying in length, just whatever happens naturally. can also be friends/do 'date-like' activities or not, again, just if we vibe like that. and i'm poly so they can have other sexual/romantic partners or whatever, or a triad would be cool (2 guys of course). so yeah, as long as i'm attracted to them and we're compatible and not romantic, it's chill. if you have any more questions, i'd be glad to help.

hospital for souls is a beaut--the spoken part at the beginning, ooh--but deathbeds is my absolute favourite. and yes, while there is a hell goes hard as hell, sempiternal's gotta be their best.

ahh that's my scene! pierce the veil is my life. i love concerts and of course just listening on my own. and i'm learning to fry scream and when it actually sounds good it's so exciting. like when you check out a new band and the first song you hear is just love at first listen? awesome. exactly!

ok my parents are cool with me being aro but unrelated, my mom emotionally abused me (picking on everything, hella gaslighting, stuff i've prob repressed) so i thought i'd weigh in. though she has apologized and she's like, a good parent aside from that, i'll never forgive her. i've just accepted that and kind of moved on. like i don't waste energy, you know, it's just over. of course it sucks, but what's there to do. so yeah, i guess if you think there's no way they'll understand or make up for it or whatever, i recommend the 'move on' approach. good luck.

exactly! i'm heterosexual and polyamorous and i've only ever been with one guy, but people accept that i'm straight (if that's what i choose to say for simplicity's sake--and i haven't told anyone i'm poly). like, whether i'm involved with 0, 1, or more guys, i'm still aro and still poly. i do find it odd that people define their orientation(s) by their behaviour, like "i'm straight because i date/have sex with guys," "i'm poly because i'm in a relationship with 2 people". "if i kiss a girl am i bi?" (my answer: well, not just because of that, but was your motivation to kiss her not attraction?) similarly, i'm not aro because i don't date; i don't date because i'm aro, as in, without romantic attraction there's nothing leading me to want a romantic relationship. anyway, to answer @hart watcher's question, i've told my parents and a couple close friends i'm aro, like in a sort of coming out moment, and besides that i just mention it if it comes up naturally, not purposely trying to reveal or hide it.

found another one! 'i'm not in love' by kelsey lu https://youtu.be/Nsl4d2nOGg8

yes, it's normal, particularly in the early stages of the journey of identifying and living as an aromantic person. i also dated someone to try to be allo, and cried when we broke up, but out of relief. but i do remember thinking that since he was so great, if it didn't happen with him (romantic attraction/enjoyable romantic relationship), it wouldn't happen with anyone. like that was the test, and the results were in. i must echo you and the others by saying that you should continue to be aware of amatonormativity and the opportunities for happiness outside of romance, and i believe that when you're happy with your life because it makes sense for you, the lack of romance in it will seem like one of many positives, rather than a negative. however, if you are genuinely interested in aspects of romantic relationships such as dates, physical and/or emotional closeness, or whatever, it is possible to have that with someone who understands that you're not romantically attracted to them, and isn't to you either, if that's something which would make you more comfortable--it is for me. sometimes people ask me what my ideal relationship would look like, and i say it's not so much about what it would look like from the outside, or what activities it would involve/exclude (to some extent, sure), but how it would feel. if it's that you want to actually experience romantic attraction, i suppose you know you just have to find peace with the probability that you won't. i hope you do find that; it's a great feeling.

hey! i'm pretty similar. same age; i started identifying as aro at 17, after a long transition from denial, to maybe i'll call myself aro in my head but like i'm not committed, to acceptance. and i've had squishes since i was young, and thought the ones on guys were crushes. and i like your interests ? the only difference is i've always been 100% sure i'm 100% heterosexual, but i also don't consider it a big deal. i look forward to hearing more of your thoughts too.

this may not be a simple or surprising thing, but traveling. i guess the thing is, i don't have to be doing a specific thing, like seeing popular attractions or whatever, just being in a different place is so cool to me. i just walk around and get the feel of it. i want to go everywhere. i've heard that it's pretty common for americans to never leave the country, like not because of money or work or whatever but because they just don't feel like it, and that's crazy to me.