aro_elise

similar thing happened to me in grade 9. i had what i call an aro crush--squish + sexual attraction--on this guy, evan, and my friend sylvia liked him. eventually he asked her out and she said yes, and when she told me rather nervously, i was like, 'that's nice'. then my other friend asked me how i was taking it and i was like, 'uh, fine?' and she said i was a good friend and i'm like, 'thanks, i guess...what's the big deal?' i didn't care because i didn't want to date him. we were friends, like, throughout high school, and it never occurred to me to be upset that he didn't want to be anything else, because i didn't really. they would make out in front of everyone, and any annoyance/weirdness i felt, i would have felt the same about any other such couple. btw they were such a preposterously bad couple, on-and-off multiple times a week, that another friend got sylvia a bracelet where one side said 'single' and one said 'taken' so we'd know what the situation was that day. it was like, kind of a joke but kind of not. anyway, the next year, they were done for good, and a different friend (man, i had more friends in hs than i do now) asked me whether i still liked evan and i said something along the lines of "not like before but i'll ask myself 'ok, do i not like him then?'" and she supplied "and you can't say no," and i said "exactly." in retrospect, what i meant was that i still liked him as a friend and thought he was hot--i couldn't disagree with that--but the aro crush had just petered out; it just wasn't really relevant. but yeah lmao whenever i had squishes on girls, i figured i just thought they were cool/wanted to be their friend, and i was right--i was/am so straight that no alternative crossed my mind (even if i admired their looks)--but then with guys, sometimes it was the same and sometimes there was the added element of sexual attraction, so i never knew where to draw the line, like, do i have a crush on this guy or not? so that was weird. a lot made sense later.

it's definitely hard for alloromantics to understand our experiences without comparison to their own. we may describe a qpr as "like a relationship, but not romantic," or a squish as "like a crush, but not romantic," and they equate "not romantic" to "less than". they see friendship, sexual relationships, or other non-romantic relationships as a step down, so we're kind of backed into a corner when we try to explain their significance to us, and using words like "more," "stronger," or "deeper" just makes them think "closer to romance" (and further contradicts the notion that purely platonic relationships, for instance, can be quite meaningful). they have this idea of a sort of hierarchy of love/relationships, where romance is at the top--often monogamous, lifelong/married, sexual and romantic relationships--this is amatonormativity. so as for other types, like just sexual, just romantic, just platonic/queerplatonic, or the latter in combination with either of the others, is seen as less complete or meaningful, when (aside from the fact that any given relationship could be more so than a traditional romantic one) the point is that they can simply be different. no comparison of value or anything else is necessary. so when i explain my attraction or relationships, i may make comparisons to something they'd understand, but i add that it's a separate thing and that my experiences won't be the same as every other aro/spec person's. for some, a qpr may be between a friendship and a romantic relationship, and/or more important than "regular friendship" and that's ok. everyone should be able to conceptualize and describe their experiences in whatever way works for them. so i guess my best solution is just to emphasize this, and that there's no inherent hierarchy.

What have you seen people using "split attraction model" to mean? What does it mean to you? distinguishing between different types of attraction, usually romantic and sexual. usually because they don't match, and usually because one is a-spec (like me: aromantic heterosexual) but not necessarily (apparently the most common non-matching combination is heteroromantic bisexual), and they could match but feel distinct (i know someone who IDs as "asexual and aromantic"). If somebody says that they use it, what does that mean to you? If somebody says they don't use it, what does that mean to you? if they use it, they want to distinguish their different types of attraction; if not, they don't feel the need to (or don't know about the SAM). i agree with this: i actually talked about romantic vs. sexual attraction to my high school lgbt+ leader (back when i'd just become familiar with the SAM and was questioning about being aro) and she looked confused and said to her they were the same. (???) Do you usually think of "split attraction" correlating with "having more than orientation," or no? generally but not necessarily. Does anybody have a source dating it back prior to 2015? i learned about it in conjunction with aromanticism, which must have been 2014/2015, on my first social media site, google+. good times. Any other thoughts on the dilemmas raised? Does it fill a lexical gap? Does it have multiple meanings? Is it useful? it's useful to me, as understanding that romantic orientation existed and didn't have to match sexual orientation allowed me to realize i'm aro. i've also seen other people describing what sounds like variorientation in confusion, ex. "i like dating everyone but only sleeping with girls--what am i?" i suggest "panromantic homosexual?" and explain the SAM. i don't see any problems. use it if and as you like.

thanks, it's from my tumblr, i made a meme: https://every-reason-shes-fine.tumblr.com/post/183048066134/me-i-want-a-bf-me-to-me-you-know-youll-probably. i know i could have just put this link in a post but i wanted to just have the image in it. oh, well.

it ends with me, too. i'm an only child, my mom's an only child, and my dad has two sisters, one of whom has two kids, so we three are it. i don't feel badly though; i don't owe my parents anything, certainly not something which impacts my life and body in pretty much the most major way imaginable, and theirs in a minor way. even if i had a kid at the age they were when they had me, 38, they would be 76/77. they'd see them every so often for maybe a decade (my mom's family tends to live into their 90s but who knows), while i'd be with them every day for about two (and really the rest of my life), supporting them financially and caring for them on my own (no spouse/partner, right?) while i can't even do either of those for myself. and i don't want to. nothing about having kids appeals to me. there is no way i could endure pregnancy or labour (i couldn't even endure a procedure to prevent those things) and as i say, i don't want the next part, either; i want a fulfilling career, adventure and flexibility, and friends my own age, and yes, i'm confident that will be the case as long as i'm capable of having those things. i think i could be a great parent if i wanted to be (i've been babysitting for 8 years and i seem to be liked by kids and parents), but since i don't want to, i wouldn't be. it wouldn't be fair to me or the kid(s), so no, i'm not putting us all through that to let my parents see them part-time when they already had me full-time, by their choice. this is my choice. and i'll add that i've seen many parents who constantly complain about their kids and can't wait to get away from them--so have my parents, who can't relate--and just about all of them surely wanted those kids in the first place, or thought they did, so if you have any doubts at all, i urge you to give it the most serious consideration. the decision to have kids should require infinitely more of it than the decision not to, and it should be only for your own reasons. yes, as honourable as your intention to give a child a home by adoption may be (i do agree that this is a great option, especially as we don't need any more people in the world), if you're not absolutely willing and prepared to be a parent, it's a disservice to you both.

sorry, i was trying to say when i paste a url it doesn't work. oh, well, thanks anyway.

so i can't do it from the saved image because that's not a url (it's like IMG whatever numbers) so i tried to do it from my tumblr and that didn't work either...? and i don't get the 'from existing attachments' thing, how would i have one? the wild thing is i know i've done it before, somehow. '

this conversation: piper: jason's great. he's my closest friend, even more than annabeth. but whatever i thought was there, my happily-ever-after...it just wasn't. apollo: your relationship was born in crisis. such romances are difficult to sustain once the crisis is over. piper: it wasn't just that. apollo: *anecdote about an ex* piper: it was me. apollo: what do you mean it was you? you mean you realized you didn't love jason? that's no one's fault. narration: she grimaced, as if i (apollo) still hadn't grasped what she meant...or perhaps she wan't sure herself. piper: i know it's nobody's fault. i do love him. but...like i told you, hera forced us together--the marriage goddess, arranging a happy couple. my memories of starting to date jason, our first few months together, were a total illusion. then, as soon as i found that out, before i could even process what it meant, aphrodite claimed me. my mom, the goddess of love. aphrodite pushed me into thinking i was...that i needed to...look at me, the great charmspeaker. i don't even have words. aphrodite expects her daughters to wrap men around our little fingers, break their hearts, et cetera. apollo: yes. your mother has definite ideas about how romance should be. piper: so if you take that away, the goddess of marriage pushing me to settle down with a nice boy, the goddess of love pushing me to be the perfect romantic lady or whatever-- apollo: you're wondering who you are without all that pressure.

this is the latest tea: shakespeare was aromantic. don't @ me ?

i've talked about my favourite aro headcanon of all time: piper from rick riordan's 'heroes of olympus' series, followed by luna from 'harry potter' as aro/ace. also arospec: the title character in jane austen's 'emma,' rosa from 'brooklyn nine-nine,' joey from 'friends,' dean from 'supernatural,' and barney and robin from 'how i met your mother'. i'm sure i'm forgetting some, i pretty much find an hc in every book/show. i have some from the old movies i watch but i figure you wouldn't know them.

i agree. you've probably seen her video about why she's single, which since she made it before she came out does not include the reason that she's aro. i actually related to what she said in it too, which i'm sure isn't a coincidence but i thought she made some good points without actually mentioning aromanticism. and i do like some of her other videos.

depends how warm i am. usually cool in summer or after exercise, warm the rest of the time. not hot or cold.

I like Parker J, he's trans; I actually started watching before he came out. I watched a bit of Connie Glynn because she's aro (and bisexual) but she doesn't talk about it much. I've seen some of Ash's stuff, they're pretty good.

i go to estonian lutheran church on holidays. my mom taught me to pray every night, and for a while i did, of my own accord; now i do it occasionally. i declined the opportunity for confirmation because i believe in God more than i believe in organized religion and i don't need to prove anything. for me, a relationship with God is natural and wonderful; i don't identify with the sentiment some Christians share (or my interpretation of it), that they worship God because He gives them strength. I mean, He does, but that's not why i turn to Him--He's just there, in good times and bad, and while i of course can't confirm his presence, i certainly can't deny it.

no worries, i've been vegan for over 3 years and vegetarian for another 10.

the mcr one made me laugh, i love them

i made this reply to a new male member wondering about the same thing: "yeah, ok, i've been thinking about this. idk how to phrase this but a possible reason for more women identifying as aro is that it's more...noticeable to us? because of the stereotype that women are more romantic and men are more sexual, like, i think some guys just don't really think much of it. and it seems tied to heteronormativity, so being heterosexual could definitely be a part of it. (i know that made it hard for me to realize i was aro. the whole "you just haven't found the right person" rhetoric is thrown around in an apparent effort to assure us we're 'normal' and we kind of believe it.) anyway, the ratio of actual aro-spec men compared to women and non-binary people could be more even, maybe even in favour of men (idk, hypothetically) but it's like, 'oh, that's how it's supposed to be.' is that off-base? i mean, a lot of people don't recognize the difference between not prioritizing relationships/"serious" relationships (ugh, that's a whole other discussion) or not being one for overt romantically-coded expression, and actually not experiencing romantic attraction, i.e. being aro. including many aros, at first. sorry, that's a lot to introduce right away. just a taste of the kind of discussions we get into here. ? welcome."

i do that too. a waitress described a special which contained "aromatic spices" and when she left i said to my parents "i can't hear that word anymore."

sorry to derail the conversation but if you have any questions i'd be glad to help. i'm sure you'll only regret not doing it sooner. good luck.